It was late, and Lily couldn't sleep because she was worried about the following day. Mason had decided that they would shoot the nightclub scene. Not only would she have to sing but she would have to kiss Finn. The idea of kissing Finn or rather Finn kissing her was tying her in knots, and she couldn't help but wonder how Finn felt about it.
She had been living with him and Mike for a week and it had been fun. The three of them had hung out together at night and had breakfast and dinners together. She and Finn had even started riding to work together on days when their schedules matched. The fact of the matter was that she had fallen more in love with him not less. He was wonderful with Mike and he was courteous to her, treating her with a respect that no one else in her life ever had.
She watched the moon's reflection dance across the waves and listened to the gentle surf. It was a soothing sound and not one that she was used to coming from South Dakota. Cold, that was what she was used to, cold and snow. She smiled at the thought.
"Why aren't you in bed, it's late?" Finn asked from behind her.
Lily looked over her shoulder, taking in his appearance. He was wearing running shorts, and nothing else and the moonlight highlighted all of the planes and angles of his muscles. Lily had been staying with him for a week, and word had gotten out around the set. According to June, they were having a heated affair, and they were going to announce an engagement soon. Lily gave a long-suffering sigh; she wished that was an option on the table. She would snatch it up in a heartbeat.
To be married to Finn, to live with him day in and day out, to have him by her side for her to depend on would be her deepest wish come true. But none of that would ever happen because the man wouldn't even kiss her without being forced to, and she had her doubts that he would in the end. He would probably do his best to talk Mason out of it tomorrow.
"I'm just nervous about tomorrow." She looked back at the ocean. "How do you not spend all of your time out here?" she asked.
"I spent more than my fair share of time in and out of the water. It's lost a little of its magic." He sat in the chair next to her, propping his legs up on the ottoman in front of him.
"Are you nervous about shooting the final scenes?" she asked.
He gave a small smile. "No, should I be?"
"You have to show your leg, doesn't that make you uneasy or self-conscious?" Lily turned her head to look at him.
"Not really, I've done my best not to let it define me or make a big deal about it. I like to think that's why most people don't notice it." He shrugged.
"Wasn't it hard at first, after it happened?"
"Sure, but loosing by teammates was harder. That was more of a danger to my sanity than the loss of my leg ever was. I've worked hard to deal with both." He looked over at her. 'Why are you nervous about tomorrow?" he asked as if he didn't know.
"I've already told you. It will be my first real kiss, and it will be in front of a lot of people." She blushed a little as she said it.
"I thought you were joking about that!" he exclaimed, causing Lily to look at him and note his shocked expression.
"Why would I lie about something like that?" she demanded.
"To get me to kiss you!"
Lily shook her head, at a loss for a comeback to that.
"How have you never been kissed before?" His eyes were still wide.
Lily shrugged. "Because I've spent most of my life looking like this, and let me tell you, this look does not grab the boy's attention in high school." She wiggled in her seat, uncomfortably.
They sat in silence, listening to the surf for a moment.
"So will you kiss me now?"
"No."
Lily sighed; it had been worth a shot. "You're really gonna make my first kiss be tomorrow in front of all those people!" she all but yelled, sitting up and glaring at him.
"It might be the only way I survive it!" he yelled back.
"What does that mean?" Lily's eyes narrowed. Was he saying it was going to be horrible?
"Not what you think it does," Finn shook his head.
Lily leaned back, keeping her eyes on him the entire time, shooting him with eye daggers, but he only closed his eyes, ignoring her.
"You realize that everyone thinks we're dating and that you're going to propose any moment, right?" It was a challenge that Lily couldn't resist. She didn't like the way he was so calm about the entire situation, but then he had kissed plenty of girls before.
"June did say something about that," he confirmed, not rising to her bait. "Have you seen your mother recently?" He changed the subject.
This time Lily's eyes grew wide in shock. "How did you find out about her."
"I have my sources," he said.
"A little birdy names Henry no doubt," she snorted, "no I have not seen her in a few weeks. My guess is that she is gone."
"She's not gone," Finn said. "Would you mind telling me about her and your parents? You mentioned that you thought Lee was your father at one point?"
"Do you really want to hear all that?"
He turned to look at her, meeting her eyes. "Yes, I do."
"My father and mother were both addicts. My father's drug of choice was alcohol, and my mother's was anything she could get her hands on to give her a high. They were both too sick to do anything but hurt each other and me." She sensed Finn tense next to her. "Not physically, at least not often, sometimes I would get slapped or hit, especially when I got older and tried to break them apart. There were many times I had to evade my father's fists when I was sent to pull him out of the local bar and drag him home. That was always fun."
She paused, gathering her thoughts, and Finn didn't interrupt, giving her time.
"My mother was the queen of the verbal assault. It was mostly typical stuff, how did I end up with a daughter like you, you're selfish, ungrateful. When she was really on a roll, she would go after my father, and she loved to tell him that I wasn't his daughter, that I was Lee's. That would piss him off, and she loved it. My mother loves to hurt with words. After a while, I started to believe it myself. She still likes to tell me that the only reason anyone is my friend is because of my money, and without it, no one would like me." Lily smiled at that one.
"You have money?" Finn asked in surprise.
"No, not until I graduate or turn twenty-five. Uncle Lee put it in a trust for me when he sold the ranch. I have no clue how much there is of it." She turned her head and looked at Finn. "Does my money make you want to kiss me?" she asked hopefully.
"Why didn't you finish school? You're an outstanding actress." He changed the subject.
"One of my instructors told me I lacked the passion for making it as an actress." The words still stung when she thought about them.
"Why would he say that? Tell me the context," he insisted, standing up and walking towards the railing, turning to face her with his back to the ocean.
"I stayed late one night to run lines for a play, it was a romantic scene and the time came for the kiss, and I pulled away. I didn't want to kiss him. So I guess in a way he was right." Lily stood to join him, looking out at the ocean as he looked away from it.
"I think that was more survival instinct," Finn turned to look at her and their eyes met.
His face was only inches from hers, and she let her gaze roam over the lines of his cheeks, jaw, and lips. She couldn't help but think that if he had been the one to ask her to stay late and run lines, she would have been more than willing to kiss him.
"I don't think it was a lack of passion," he said his voice rough as his gaze dropped down to her lips.
"Finn," she pleaded.
There was a moment of silence as the tension between them grew. Finn was thinking about it, she could tell he was, she knew he wanted to kiss her, and she licked her lips in an instinctual move.
"You'll do fine tomorrow, don't worry about it!" he said as he moved towards the steps that led down to the beach. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."
In other words, go to bed, don't be here when I get back. Lily could take a hint, and she turned and walked into the dark house. She wished she could figure out what Finn was thinking and why he was still throwing up walls against her.
*******
Finn reached the beach and started to run. He was running away, he knew it. He had never wanted to kiss anyone as badly as he had wanted to kiss Lily, but he knew it wouldn't end with a kiss and he didn't think either one of them was ready for that. He didn't know if they ever would be.
He had too much pain and guilt stored up in him, and he still fell into depressions and had nightmares, although they had grown less and less since he had met Lily. He dreamed more about her now than anything. It all boiled down to the fact that he would be too hard to live with, and eventually, Lily would start to hate him.
She was so young, beautiful, and full of life and he didn't want to take that from her. She was tough, and her story proved it just as Lee said it would, but it also proved that she had had enough hardship in her life and she didn't need anymore. His sister, the challenges that Mike presented, his damaged soul. It would ruin her in the end, and the simple fact was that he loved her too much to do that to her.
He stopped running at the thought, placing his hands on the back of his head and bending forward with a low growl of pain and frustration.
Lily had already made him a better man. He had already taken too much from her without giving her anything in return.