After a hearty, though disheartening, breakfast of largely unidentifiable slop, we approached the door to the captain's cabin. The cabin, as it happened, was currently occupied by the king, much to the silent chagrin of the captain.
Derek rapped upon the door until it opened and Higgins, the king's personal retainer, stood framed in the doorway.
"Yes?" Higgins asked, looking us up and down, "What do you want?"
"We're here to speak with the king on a matter of utmost importance," I said.
"Sorry, the king isn't interested in matters of utmost importance," the little man said and began to close the door.
Derek then wedged a size 12 trainer in the doorway, slapped the door resoundingly with his right hand and shoved it back open.
Higgins' eyes widened considerably as he looked up at Derek, who was a good head taller than the little retainer and was now completely abusing that fact to his own advantage.
"Higgins," Derek said. "we need to talk to him, it's a matter of life and death."
"Life and death, what do you mean?" Higgins said, staring at us with obvious suspicion.
"I mean," Derek took a step forward, grinning ear to ear, and quietly said, "if you don't let us talk to him, I'm going to squeeze your neck until it turns purple and your head pops off."
Higgins gulped and took a step back, absentmindedly rubbing his throat, but then, to his credit, stood his ground. His eyes, however, were darting from side to side as if looking for a means of escape should his brain's decision turn out to be its last.
"Higgins?" came a voice from deeper inside the cabin, "Is someone at the door?"
"Regretfully yes, Your Majesty, it's Lord Derek and he's just threatened--"
"Fabulous," the king interrupted, "send him in. Send him in, man!"
Higgins took a large step to the side while watching Derek closely.
Derek, for his part, walked briskly past him without giving him a second look.
As I passed, I gave Higgins a look that I hoped conveyed that I was sorry, and that the whole threatening him thing was all Derek's idea, and that I really didn't know Derek well at all since we had just met yesterday so I clearly wasn't responsible in any way for his rude and threatening behavior, and finally, that I respected Higgins greatly and thought that we could perhaps be fast friends, albeit under different and more pleasant circumstances.
Higgins squinted his eyes at me in what looked to be about five-eighths confusion and the remainder suspicion and then closed the door behind us.
"Derek, welcome to my royal abode!" the king was saying.
"Alright, drop the king act, Barry," Derek said, "We need to talk about Tuesday."
"How dare you speak to--" Higgins began, looking aghast, but the king said, "That will be all, Higgins."
"But, Your Majesty..."
"Close the door on your way out, Higgins."
"Yes, Your Majesty," Higgins said, quickly ducking out the door.
"Those are nice pajamas, Barry," Derek said.
"Aren't they?" the king enthused, sitting up straighter. "I just adore the little ducky print, don't you? Simply smashing."
"Where did you get them?" I asked.
"Oh, uh, well..."
"You're not from around here, are you, Barry?" Derek asked.
"Well, not right here, specifically..."
"Did you happen to get prime shipping on those?" I asked.
"Of course, I mean, no..." the king stammered.
Derek said, "Not this planet specifically, eh?"
"Uh... no, not as such," the king finally admitted.
Realizing he was on the ropes, and that he was putty in my hands, I asked, "Could I have my slippers back?"
"Not a chance!" the king replied.
"Enough fooling around. Spill it, Barry. All of it," Derek said in a very dangerous tone.
We then sat down, and spill he did.
The king talked all about how he had come through a door from England himself, some years before, and had had the smashingly good fortune to meet the then princess. He was instantly smitten by her, however, she had only a passing interest in him. That was until he took her back with him to Earth and introduced her to shopping malls and the magic of credit cards. After that, the marriage was a done deal.
The princess's father had died a few years later and, being that she was his only child, the princess became the queen. So that, in a way, made Barry the king, though everyone knew just who it was who really ruled the kingdom.
These circumstances left Barry with a decent bit of free time, and interspersed with his beloved naps, he had a penchant for science, as well as meddling with things better left alone, like the culture and technological advancement of other worlds.
The king had begun by teaching English and literacy to some of the natives and, not long after, declared English to be the lingua franca of the kingdom. As things would have it, what was hip in the kingdom was followed slavishly by the rest of the world, so English promptly supplanted all of the native tongues.
Now, it wasn't long before the sharpest minds wanted more advanced reading materials, and Barry, not being one of the sharpest minds himself, for a laugh, decided to give them a real challenge by providing the most advanced of Earth's science texts. As it turned out, these men were of genius caliber, and not only met the challenge, but bludgeoned it to death in a back alley.
These geniuses devoured book after book, constantly requesting more and, unbeknownst to the king, experimenting heavily.
This then caught us up to the present, except to say that the advancements of fission and fusion had yet to be tested. They had decided to save that for the celebration, so everyone could enjoy their great feat of engineering.
Now, given that the bomb had never been tested, there was absolutely the possibility that it wouldn't work. In point of fact, the chances of it working were about as good as those of a man dipped in bbq sauce and left on an island full of cannibals making it out alive.
For, you see, scientific progress is largely based on trial and error and learning from one's mistakes and the mistakes and achievements of others over centuries of careful application of the scientific method.
This particular mistake, however, would be quite fatal if they had in fact gotten it right. That sort of success had a way of throwing a real spanner into the works of scientific advancement, not to mention life advancement. Still, I was having trouble buying the king's story.
I said, "Now, nuclear physics isn't my field, but I've read enough around the edges to say that for these folks to have actually built a functioning nuclear bomb would be a bit..."
"Challenging?" the king said.
"I was going to go with impossible."
"Right, well, we made quite a bit of progress really, and then for the difficult bits, the ones we didn't have the infrastructure for... Well, we might have purchased a few odd bits."
"Oh, so you just popped down to the corner shop for a few fuel rods then?"
"We may have purchased them from the Russians. Well, actually, it was from some blokes in a former Soviet Bloc country."
"Really? And how could you possibly afford this?" I asked. "I suppose they were having a smashing sale on second hand SS-20 parts?"
"Well, there are some rich gold veins in the kingdom, and seeing as how no one on this planet has any use for the stuff... Hah, they don't even have a clue what the atomic mass of gold is, let alone the conductive properties..."
"Can we focus here, Barry?" Derek snapped.
"Right. Well, I sort of... borrowed some. Our people were quite amused by my interest in casting it into bars, but then quite annoyed when they had to carry them for me."
"I imagine the arms dealers weren't annoyed by those bars though, were they?" I said.
"No, no, they were quite happy to complete our little transaction. Morons, all of them. Complete morons," the king said.
I sighed and said, "Right, so now that you've botched things quite royally, what are you going to do about this little nuclear celebration?"
"I haven't the foggiest. Don't you think I've tried to stop it? They don't know just how much energy is going to be released and just how destructive it's going to be!" the king whinged.
"Haven't you tried to tell them?" Derek asked.
"Of course I have, they don't believe me! For some reason, they suspect I'm an idiot."
"Huh, wonder where they got that idea," Derek said.
The king gave Derek a dark look and was about to comment when I said, "Well, can't you order them to stop, man?"
"No, they aren't idiots and know that the only one they really need to obey is the queen. Unfortunately, she's excited about the whole celebration. Bought a new dress and shoes for the event actually. That little shopping trip probably cost half the GDP of the kingdom..."
"Surely you must be able to convince the queen to put a stop to all this?" I asked.
"Hah! She knows I'm an idiot, and besides, she's looking forward to wearing her new outfit for the celebration. She hasn't had an excuse to get this dressed up in some time. She's dying to be a part of the celebration."
"Literally," commented Derek, who then rose and said, "Well, that's it for me. We tried, and I really do need to run now. Burning daylight, eh? So, best of luck."
And with that, the self-styled Lord Derek ducked out the door just as quickly as Higgins had earlier.
The king then said, "Well, all of this talk has been exhausting. I believe I'll have another nap."
He then laid down on his bed, which was actually the aforementioned captain's bed, and went out like a light, as it were, clutching a toy rubber ducky and leaving me to excuse myself quietly with a sigh.
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