Things were really getting rough, getting tired of acting like I was tough, I just had enough. Then you came along, and you sang your song, and you made my day, in your special way. And I knew, that baby it's you.
—————
~ A H M A D ~
—————
When the door creaked open, that sweet scent of hers spread through out the room and it only intensified with each step she took towards my bed. I heard the clinking of something ceramic against the cupboard by my left and I knew it was the "something hot" she told Harrison that I needed to drink when she ordered him as if she was my bodyguard.
I couldn't help imagining how she had squared up to Harrison as she did that and how cute she must've looked. Though by the gravity of her voice, she was extremely distraught but I still imagine she looked adorable and I really hope she wasn't looking my way cause if she was, she would have seen the stupid grin that was on my face as I kept on imaging her showdown with Harrison.
I had heard everything. Though I felt like my head weighed a ton and the ground beneath me was sinking, I had stayed conscious all through. Probably because I didn't want Asiya to see me in an even more pathetic state than I already was.
After she had dropped the cup, she gave Harrison another set of orders and I knew she was preparing to leave. My heart gripped to every word she said and just as she said that last sentence, I felt a part of me missing, I felt incomplete and vulnerable, I felt something I didn't have words to explain, so how could I just let her go?
It was childish, selfish, pathetic, call it whatever you like but I just couldn't and so, just by pure instincts, I reached out to where I hope she was standing and when I felt that I actually grabbed her hand, a joy spread through out my heart just as a jolt of electricity traveled through my veins when I touched her.
"Stay," my voice was a breathless whisper, a desperate plea for help, "please."
Her hand in mine felt small, delicate and fragilie and of course, yellow. Just like I imagine her to be. I held it tight as if I were holding on to dear life, which I felt I was, she was.
It seemed like ages before she finally replied, her tone low and nervous, as if she couldn't quite believe what happened.
"O-okay, I will." she answers, even more breathlessly than I had asked.
Though reluctantly, I start releasing my hold, letting my hand fall back to my side. That ice rain really did a number on me, more than I'd like to admit. I still could feel the chunks of ice hitting down on me and freezing from the crown of my head, to the soles of my feet.
And yes, now I do hate rain since it's natural to hate something that almost killed you. I might be exaggerating but I really did think I was going to die out there, alone, in the rain that poured together with fucking rock hard ice.
And then during my janazah (funeral) when people asked how I died, I'll have the most pathetic cause of death; I was killed by my stupid lack of a good sense of direction as well as my arrogance to admit that I was a blind guy so I did need help and so I should just stop walking and ask people for directions but I didn't. And that was what caused me to get lost in the rain and eventually, die. They would say that, yes a plane crash couldn't finish him off but drops of rain and chunks of ice did that job cleanly. Well that was if an angel hadn't dropped straight from heaven and saved me.
At first, I thought I was hallucinating her voice calling out to me until I felt her warm hands on my shivering face. And in that moment when I opened my eyes to her, even though I couldn't see light, I felt light.
I was elated as well as deeply embarrassed at the same time, I couldn't even carry myself and she had to support almost half of my weight over her shoulder. I always wondered how tall she was and by how I had to lean low before my arm was balanced over her shoulder, I realised she was around a head shorter than me, just like my mom's height.
Speaking of Mama, I was actually more than glad that she wasn't home. Since our plans for "mother and son's special day out" didn't work out, I figured she needed a "mother's day out alone" instead and I forced her to spend the day pampering herself. She had spent three months doing nothing but stressing and worrying about me and just like I have found peace these past few weeks, she deserved to find some too.
Immediately we had arrived into my room, Harrison had tried to call her but I stopped him before he dialed her number. I didn't want to get her on edge again after she had just had a moment to breathe and relax. She shouldn't need to worry about my worthless ass being so stupid that it couldn't even get itself out of the rain. I was already blind, so a cold and fever wouldn't make things any more worse than they already are.
And besides, there's already someone hovering over me and fretting. I don't think I can deal with two women doing that at the same time so Mama better stay where she's at and leave that to Asiya.
My head is threatening to fall of my body but I ignore it and try to sit myself up, resting my back on the headboard. I reach my hand to my left on my cupboard and feel around for the cup. When I find it, it's so hot that all I did was touch it before withdrawing my hand immediately.
"I know it's hot Ahmad, but you need to try and drink it." the way Asiya had said that, I almost mistook her for my mom.
"That will-" I was interrupted by a sudden sneeze that made me feel like I had emptied my brains on the floor. "-be hard." I finish up after I had regained myself.
"I'll help you." the worry laced in her tone couldn't be mistaken and was it wrong that I didn't care that little by little, I was losing my machoness? I just care that she's here with me?
I heard footsteps retreating and the door to my room open and close but thankfully, it wasn't her and even more thankfully, Harrison had left, finally. If she's here, he's not of any use.
"All you have to do," Asiya started when she had secured the cup handle in my hand. "is hold the handle firmly with one hand, then spread out the fingers of your other hand over the rim of the cup so that way, you can hold the cup steady and make out where to place your lips without having the contents spill on you."
I did as she told and it actually worked. I took slow sips of the hot drink that excited as well as soothed my taste buds and my throat without it burning my lips or spilling on me. The ginger made it strong and pleaseantly spicy and the lemon made it fragrant and just as pleasantly tangy. Every sip I took made me feel better and better, it awakened my senses and made my head feel lighter and refreshened my whole body. And the best part, I had been drinking it myself thanks to Asiya. If I had known about this trick earlier, I wouldn't have had to have Mama helping me drink my tea with a spoon.
As I took the last sip, I felt heated and comforted all through. Not only because of the drink that was warming my insides, but because of the woman standing somewhere beside me and warming my heart.
The empty cup was kept on the cupboard and that was when I took a deep breath and sighed it out, as if freeing myself from that wicked cold that had caged me.
I turned my head to the left, to Asiya and was surprised to hear how clear my voice had gotten when I said to her what I wanted to say ever since she had found me in the rain.
"Thank you and I'm sorry."
I thanked her not only for the obvious of saving me from the rain, caring enough to even follow me home and making this cup of tea in a house she wasn't even familiar with and for a person who didn't even deserve it, I was thanking her for simply existing. For being the kind and protective warmth she is, for being yellow, for being her.
And for the sorry, all the thanks I had given her needed to come with an apology because everything she did, she was doing it for one who wasn't worthy of even half of it. I wouldn't be surprised if she was staring daggers at me right now but something in me told me that she wasn't, something in me knew that her gaze on me was soft and tender and caring.
"For what?" she chuckled nervously, she had decided to address the apology.
"For being a worthless and pathetic piece of shit. For being someone who is a total failure. For being someone who would be better off lying in the ground six feet under than walking on the ground he can't even see. For being someone who is staring at a life of nothing but darkness stretched out before him. For being me, Asiya, I'm sorry."
She's silent, perhaps in shock of my self depracation and in all honesty, I was surprised too at how I had just spewed out such raw emotions. But it was the truth, that's exactly how I feel and who I am.
For seventeen years of my life, I have done nothing but watch idly as my father hurt Mama, it haunted me every single night that I was so scared, so pathetic that I had never for once retaliated. If I was the only one suffering, if only I had been the only baring his brunt, I wouldn't have any regrets but I wasn't, and mostly, my mom got it more than me.
I had watched and just let her pain go on and on and on until it became obsolete and even now when he's gone, when we spent eight years of peace and I'd thought that our lives were only giving to get better from here, I couldn't bring happiness to my mother, all I did was disturb the peace we had.
I was just another cause of pain and distress to her. She didn't complain when I decided to throw four years of my life out the door, when I had bailed on law school at the very last minute. She didn't complain when I spent the next three years chasing a stupid license that had caused me my sight at the end of the day, she didn't complain when all I do now is sit at home and do nothing but rely on her and worry her. She didn't complain when I had replaced my father in the position of inflicting suffering on her and that was the final shove to the wall, I couldn't live like this anymore. She would be free if I just did her a favor and ended all these things she's never and I know will never complain about. She'd be finally happy if I just followed my father where he went since it turns out, we're not so different after all.
I'm completely useless and pathetic and I not only am not worthy of the air in my lungs, and the blood in my veins, but I wasn't worthy of the love nor care nor time I get from anyone, I'm not worthy of such precious things being wasted on me. So Asiya definitely deserved to be apologized for for just doing that right now.
I was fucking kidding myself for thinking that I had made peace with this state, that all that craving of just ending it once would just simply go away, disappear into thin air and I'd just be okay again. I was fucking kidding myself for thinking that I wouldn't swallow another bottle of opiads right this moment if I had the chance.
As my chest tightened with these feelings of self loathing and my head reeled, I felt a depression on the matress, on the side of my bed near my legs and I was sure Asiya has sat down there.
"That's not true." her tone was calm but nonetheless tenacious. "You're amazing and important and precious and beautiful and not just worthy of everything good thing that comes your way, but deserve to be happy Ahmad. You are an incredibly talented person in all you do, you have an unshakable passion and love for so many things, and for that Ahmad, you don't need to see to know that you have the world at your feet, you just need to believe. Our Prophet (saw) said that if a person so wills and has the determination to, he can move mountains with his mind so can you not see all that is within your reach? Can you not see all that you have the power to do as long as you believe Ahmad? You are not finished, you are just getting started, you are staring at a life of nothing but happiness and hope and light stretched out before you, Ahmad. You need to know that light isn't what drives out the darkness Ahmad, faith is and there's a lot of that in you. You just need to dig it up, that's all. I know you can do it, and I believe with all my heart that you will. You'll fight through this and come out strong, come out better, Ahmad."
Was I gasping for breath? Were my eyes moist? Did I just feel like the most uplifting and empowering speech in the world has been recited in front of me and for me? Yes, yes and yes.
How she had untangled the knot in my chest and balanced my reeling head and banished my self loathing at the same time was unbelievable.
I swallowed hard as I felt the blood rush to my face and the water forming in my eyes preparing to spill over. The emotions I felt had no name but they were attacking me in waves of overbearing torrents from every direction. I swallowed hard again.
This was nothing like I have ever felt before, no J Cole song had ever brought my feelings to such a high and a low at the same time as her words just did. Am I villain for wanting nothing more at this moment than to pull her into my arms and keep her within the depths my heart so that I can feel what she's just made me feel forever?
The water finally spilled and as I wiped away the lone tear that trailed a crooked path down my cheek, I realised that perhaps it was true that the individual feelings didn't have a name but when they were molded and combined together, they did. And that name was love.
I love Asiya Haroona. I love how weak and strong she makes me feel at the same time. I love how she awakens all my senses. I love how for when she's with me, the scars aren't there anymore and neither is the past, neither is Baba. I love how I can't see her face but still, she finds a way to captivate me. I love her and now, I wanted to scream that out to the world, I wanted to kneel to my feet and tell her that and I wanted her to have mercy on me and accept me even though I don't deserve her.
The silence deepened and knew that I needed to say something but I feared when I opened my mouth, nothing would come out or worst, a sob would escape me so again, I swallowed hard.
I coughed a little too awkwardly and it was then that I'd gathered the courage to speak. "That's quite a superpower you've got there, making a grown man cry like a baby and blush like a teenage girl."
The melody that escaped from her lips in a chuckle was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It was however, with a thick mix of sniffles and I realized that I hadn't been the only one with tears rolling down my cheeks.
When our laughter came down and our tears dried, a serene and comforting silence takes over. I close my eyes and just want to relive this moment over and over again for my whole life time. It was until I heard her soft voice again that I opened up my eyes.
"This room, it's really nice." I sense she must be looking around.
"Thank you." I smile and I'm at a risk of losing control of myself and letting my heart speak through my lips.
I didn't want to scare her away, it wasn't the right time to tell her what I feel so I better just keep myself tamed and wait for a moment when I think I'm worthy of even half of her.
So I tried creating a diversion, I tried to distract myself from how these feelings were threatening to make me explode.
It sounded extremely awkward I know, but I just started laughing. And when I was done and sure that I had gotten her attention, I start explaining the cause of my laughter.
"I remember the only time in my life when I was wetter than I was today was when I was twelve or something." as I continue reminiscing, the scene from more than a decade ago starts playing in my mind and I can't help but continue smiling as I went on.
"I was in Primary 5 (5th grade) and I remember how elated we were to finally graduate from primary school, you know that feeling of pride you get when you're finally going to stop being seen as a kid and you're finally going to join the seniors? It's ridiculous when I look back at it now but back then, I had felt like this was it, kinda like a coming of age rite. Anyways, it was our last class before the graduation and being the bunch of..." I had a curse word to use here but I decided against it."...boys we were, we decided to bunk that class. And what we did was what was even more stupid." I broke out in a chuckle again as the memory intensifies.
"After we'd signed each others shirts with felt pens and markers, me and Khalid and Ebitoye decided to have a water fight and that too instead of us to hide, we had it within the school. And so we were bound to get caught and when we did, the VP decided to punish us by leaving us out in the rain. We were already wet from the water fight and we stood there, getting wet in the rain too with the ink from the markers dripping from our shirts." I shake my head as I chuckle again, "That VP was notorious, she basically terrorised the lives of twelve year olds but she enjoyed it. But funny thing I can't even remember her name now." I sighed and relaxed my back unto the headboard.
"Ms Sulaiman." Asiya states and I suddenly remembered, that was indeed her name.
"Yes, Ms Suleiman, how could I forget the name of my arch nemesis?" I jest and suddenly, I grow curious. How did Asiya know her?
"But uhmmm, how do you know her?"
She took a while before replying and when she did, I felt like it was with calculated and rehearsed words. "Like you said, she was notorious so everyone in Utopia College knows her. And yes, I attended UC too; from nursery (kindergarten) to primary (middle school) and secondary (highschool)."
"Really!?" My eyes light up and my brows knit in pleasant surprise. "You must be kidding me! What year? Maybe I was your senior?" I ask eagerly.
The knowledge that we had been in contact prior to this was just almost unbelievable. Such light had been so close to me yet I didn't know it?
"No, you weren't my senior, you-."
I cut in with even more disbelief, "I was your junior? No, I doubt that's possible." I shook my head, trying to make sense of this.
In my mind, I had estimated Asiya's age to be between twenty two and twenty five and if I was her junior, it probably means she's older than that? I know enough of women not wanting to be with younger men so did this mean that I'd never get a shot at her? Fear was steadily growing in my chest but thankfully, she cleared it right away.
"I meant no, you weren't my senior and you weren't my junior either, you were my mate."
"What?" I almost shouted, the shock had just overwhelmed me too much. "Really? Wow, like seriously? What year did you graduate?" that was a stupid question since she just told me she was my mate but I asked it just to be extra sure.
"Class of 2010." she confirmed and I fawned over more shock.
She and I, have actually been in contact before? What? I don't pride myself in knowing a lot about every one of my classmates but atleast, I'd recognize their names, I'd recognize their voices just like I had done with Maryam Jada and Micheal Ebitoye. It was required of me after all since these were the people I had spent most of my childhood and teenage years with.
But her? Why didn't I recognize her at all? Not even one bit? The name Asiya Haroona had sounded totally foreign to me when we had met. I try to recap to eight years ago and scan through every memory of mine from back then but I still didn't find a match of her. Of her voice, of her aura, of her scent, absolutely nothing.
"I also had five classes with you at the university, you know, during the four years you were there." Asiya said adding fuel to the fire of shock.
She was also at that same university? We also had classes together? For four years? What was wrong with me? Had I just woken up from a coma?
I ran a hand over my face and scratched my clean shaven chin, I was just still trying to process everything so doing weird things like that are allowed.
"I'm just... I can't believe it," I say as I chuckle at the irony. How did she miss my attention while I could see but now when I was blind, it seemed all my attention was on her. "Maybe if I could see, then I would have remembered you. Maybe your name couldn't ring a bell but I'd be crazy if your face couldn't as well. I mean we spent what? Thirteen years in the same school?"
She huffed lightly but I still heard it, was she dissapointed in me? I couldn't blame her if she was.
"I'm sure even if you could see me, you still wouldn't have recognized me. Yes, I was that much of an invisible nerd." Asiya sounded low, as if embarrassed when I was the one who should be embarrassed since I was the dumb ass.
"And I, was that much of an idiot for not knowing you, which I still am, and I was a fool, which I still am, so you were definitely out of my league. How could a pauper ever know a princess?" that was indeed dramatic but I meant every single thing I had said.
Asiya was silent and I wish she would speak and I could know what her emotions were since I could no longer make out expressions. I sincerely hope I had cleared that belief of her being invisible out of her head. I wanted to kick myself hard for missing out on knowing her sooner. She had been right in front of me my whole life yet I had never known her?
The purpose of bringing up that story had been to distract myself, it had been to lessen the waves of emotions that had engulfed me but it turns out, after Asiya's revelation, I had only thrown myself deep into the sea of emotions and I was drowning, I needed to come up for air and I knew there was only one way to do that.
I needed to confess.
Just say it and then I can breathe. Say it before the feelings suffocate me. There's a reason, there must be a reason why I had never known her when she was right in front of me, why our meeting was saved up for this moment and this is it. This is the reason. So that I can love her like this. This was it so I just need to man up and say it.
I heaved out a breath before I sat even more upstraight, summoning courage from every corner of my being. I wish I could look her in the eye, I wish I could see her but then I feared, that would be too overwhelming for me, I would have reached too close to the sun. Her shine and warmth would have scorched my soul and I knew she would be beyond my reach so I scratched that, I'd preferred it like this. When the fact that she was out of my league wasn't screamed so harshly in my face, when I couldn't see her shine, I could only feel it. She was yellow after all.
"So..." I started and the steadiness of my tone was surprising since I felt every part of me retaliating and hitting the SOS button but it was of no use, my heart had alreadt taken full control. "...since it's established that I was and still am a fool,"
I feel the heat rise to my face but I was undeterred. I believe there was a reason why I our meeting was saved up for this moment and I was acting on that instinct, I was acting on every emotion she had made me feel over this week. I was acting with my heart and not my mind.
"Why don't I be the Fool and you be the Beauty and together, we'll be Beautiful?"
Call it the most cringe worthy, cheesy line you've ever heard or even think it an anti climax but yes, this is how I decide to open up. Intentionally putting it like this, in a joke so that she won't be too uncomfortable, so that she won't be too intimidated by how strong I've come on, she was alone in a room with a guy after all.
"Asiya? Are you okay?" I ask when I feel her silence has extended too unbearably long.
I heard something at last, a cough but atleast it was something, she cleared her throat and I could tell she was searching for words to say.
"Yes, yes I am."
"So now answer my question? Because if you are the Beauty, I'd gladly be the Fool anytime, and I'd want us to be Beautiful together, and forever."
"I-I" she was hesitant as she mumbled a few more incomplete words before she finally said something coherent. "I don't quite understand you Ahmad, I'm sorry for being too daft."
At this point, the fact that she at least didn't take this as a joke, she understood that this indeed had a deeper meaning, was enough even if she didn't understand the rest. And atleast, she was willing to understand, she hadn't just shut me off completely.
I couldn't just tell her that I love her, I don't know why. Maybe it was the fact that, though I wasn't proud of it, I had said those same three words to tens of girls before. I had said them to Laila, I had said them to Khadija, I had said them to Chantel and most recently, I had said them to Farida and no way was what I felt for either of them like what I feel for Asiya. It is so much more.
And so it wasn't the nervousness or the fear of rejection that were stopping me, it was because I felt she deserved more than that and what I feel for her was more than that.
It was beyond saying I love you when I was a complete and total stranger to her, it was beyond making her think that I was chasing after her for some useless fling, it was beyond what my tongue could convey. I wanted a relationship with her that wasn't tied by an invisible wire of I love you, I wanted something that was an unshakable promise, a rigid and unbreakable and tangible wire of I love you.
I didn't want to say just an I love you, I wanted to offer her something that showed the deepness and intensity of my feelings. That showed I wasn't just another guy with honey on his tongue, I was the guy that's prepared to stand by her through whatever life decides to throw her way, I was the guy who wants her to be with me forever and save me from myself.
So with bated breaths and heightened heartbeats, I let the compilation of everything I feel for her roll out my tongue and I brace myself for the consequence.
"Marry me."
I was sure she gasped but the door that flung open drowned out the sound. Even before she rushed over and took me in her arms, I had already known it was my mother. Her scent and her footsteps had long replaced all her physical features in my mind and as always, her timing was impeccable.
"Harrison told me everything, we're going to the doctor now," Mama said immediately she pulled away and I know I was done for. She was going to thoroughly embarrass me in Asiya's presence.
"No, please Mama I'm okay." and it was then that a stupid sneeze decided to shake its way out of me.
"Ahmadinajad, not another word, we're going to the doctor."
"Okay okay, but Mama, I'm feeling too weak to even go to the hospital so can't you call the doctor here?"
"Poor baby," she caressed my cheeks. "okay I'll call over Dr. Anthony right now. You're heating up, you already have a fever." she started her hysteria.
I facepalmed myself mentally, I had managed to be free of being dragged to a hospital but I wasn't free of her still embarrassing me she just called me baby.
"I'm all okay Mama, thanks to Asiya over here." for emphasis, I wanted to gesture with my head towards Asiya but since she had hurriedly gotten up from the bed after Mama had entered, I had no idea where she was now standing. Had she taken the chance and finally made her escape? I really hope not. She still owed my heart an answer and I wanted Mama to see who it is I want to finally gift her as her long awaited daughter in law.
"Where are my manners!" Mama exclaims and I imagine she must have turned towards Asiya. "I'm so sorry honey, I'm so sorry. I was so worried about Ahmadi that I didn't notice you. Quit standing in that corner honey and come over here, I really am sorry."
"It's okay Ma'am, please stop apologizing, I understand and I was just leaving actually."
My heart must've stopped beating at those words of hers. She was leaving just like that?
"No honey, how could I let you leave. Please wait a little longer so I can get to thank you for all you did, you should please join us for something to eat."
"It's okay ma'am, it's past 12 pm and I'm sorry I can't stay much longer." Asiya pressed and I heard the urgency in her voice. Did it mean that her answer to my proposal was a no?
"Fine then honey." Mama sighed and I though she wasn't as reluctant as me to let Asiya go, she wasn't happy either.
I hear shuffling and I think Asiya must've went to pick up her bag before I heard the door open.
"Your phone number honey," Mama calls out and I hear her walking to the door to Asiya. "I don't want you to take so much trouble if something like this happens again since it turns out, I can't rely on my son or Harrison to inform me."
I wasn't in support of Mama's reason for collecting the number but I was glad that she did none the less.
"Apart from the angel that's saved my son, what's your name honey?" Mama asks and I know Asiya must've already given her the number and she was going to save it.
Asiya chuckled softly and I was enchanted by that melody again and for some reason, I feel as if she was looking towards me and even addressing me when she had answered.
"It's Asiya Haroona Ma'am, but you can call me Jannah."
Jannah?
Paradise? It was indeed the only place where angels come from and it is the only place that is hidden from me but will be revealed soon enough as a blessing, just like she was, just like she is Jannah.
A/N
This chapter was hard for me to write but none the less extremely enjoyable. And yes, the cruise to JANNAHMAD has officially set sail.
The lyrics from the paragraph up above are from Smokie's "Baby It's You."