Catalina stared at the ceiling, her head rested on her frilly pillow as she held a plush fox between her arms. The weight in her chest bore a hole, deeper and deeper. Her breathing shortened with every passing day, her heart overwhelmingly heavy. She was restless and tired, a thread of anxiety coiled deep in her gut. She couldn't get her mind off Jae. It just wasn't possible these days.
Her mind was plagued by images of him, when he'd scoff in order to mask his laugh, how he'd flush pink when he'd do something impulsive, when he'd finally let a smile slip, or when he held her hand to get her away from Philip.
The bed groaned under her as she sat up and hugged her knees. The thoughts tormented her, just as they did every night when she hadn't felt so good about herself. Just like every time that she would remotely feel saddened of afflicted.
Why did Jae like her?
What the hell did he see in her cold, insecure, pitiful self? She wasn't pretty. She wasn't fun. She wasn't good.
Jae was too innocent, he deserved much better than her. She was mediocre, unworthy, and just...emotionally not right.
Jae wasn't. Jae was as perfect as a human could ever get. Sure, he had trouble smiling, but he'd gotten the hang of it lately.
He was perfect.
The mistakes she'd made, they were much too great to be erased. Catalina wasn't what Jae thought her to be; she was poisonous. If he knew everything about her, everything she'd done, everything that plagued her; he wouldn't want to be with her, and he would've dropped her ages ago.
He could never really love her.
Catalina's hand tangled itself in her hair. "Oh, god," she groaned, her nose stinging, "I fucking hate myself."
The anxiety twisted her stomach and bubbled up her throat. She hated the nauseousness that came every time she would think deeply about herself, about how broken she was.
She tried to take a deep breath.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
The feeling loomed over her. She could feel the anxiety coursing through her veins, her breath shortening, her mind spiralling.
Her phone buzzed and she couldn't bring herself to look over at it. The white glow of the screen temporarily illuminated up the room. Within a few seconds, the room was once again shrouded in darkness.
It buzzed once more, light flickering on.
She sighed.
A third time.
Catalina groaned, snapping her head towards the nightstand. She reached out of it, glancing over the notifications.
Philip now
Hey babe ❤❤❤
Philip now
Wanted to know if
you're free friday
Philip now
Wanted to invite you to
Sunny's for breakfast ❤
Catalina dropped the phone back on the table.
Why the hell had she gone back to Philip? Why the bloody hell had she thought it was a great idea getting back with her ex? She hadn't even let Philip hold her hand, let alone kiss her and it'd been a week. She felt guilt in her gut every time he'd lean in. She'd just felt awful that entire week.
Why was she such an ass?
She sunk into the bed sheets once more and covered her face with a pillow. Why couldn't she just sink into the earth and disappear forever?
———•———
"Jae! We're losing! Why are you just running around in circles?!" Andrea leaned to one side as she continued punching buttons on the controller. "Shoot, Jae, shoot!" She went back to biting her lip, staring at the television screen intensely. "I need back-up! I'm about to die!"
"Sorry!" Jae finally snapped out of his trance and began pressing random buttons, hoping to get the right one.
"What are you doing?" Andrea faked a sob. "That's our ship! You're blowing up our—"
The screen lit up red and yellow and the dreaded words faded in.
DEFEAT
"Jae!" Andrea whined. "Why did you—ugh..." she slumped forward and dropped the controller onto the sofa cushion. "We were so close! What happened? You were doing great and then you suddenly stopped. Like we just had to blow up their ship!"
Jae ruffled his hair, closing his eyes for mere seconds before he gave a sigh. "Sorry, I was just got distracted."
"Distracted? In the middle of a galactic battle?" Andrea narrowed her eyes. "What the hell, man?"
He gave an insincere laugh. "Sorry, I'll try harder next time."
Andrea leaned slightly towards him and took the controller from his hand, setting it aside. "Is this about Cat?" Her brows knitted in concern and she straightened her back. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Jae rolled his eyes. "We're not talking about that, okay?"
Andrea frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. "You haven't said anything about the subject since that time in the caf, like I get it, you wanna get over her and the simple answer is to block her out, right?"
He nodded. Andrea had caught on that he liked Catalina and she wasn't as annoyed as she'd first let on. In fact, she'd outright asked him while they were heading to class one time. Her nonchalant attitude nearly made him drop his coffee.
"But is it working? Are you actually getting over her?"
He nibbled his lower lip. "Well I did just blow up our ship, so what do you think?" He gestured at the television, a little agitation surfacing as he bounced his knee.
Andrea sighed. "I think you need to talk about it. It'd do you good. Now." Her hand landed on his, inciting him to talk. "Tell me what's wrong."
Jae had never really seen this side of Andrea. She was always either joking with him or easily angered, he'd never seen her acting compassionate and patient. Her friends didn't just call her 'mom' just because she nagged; she listened, just like any mother would.
He fell back on the couch with a loud sigh. Immediately he soured up at the thought of Philip's arm around Catalina's shoulder. Every time he'd think of her, Philip would pop in too. Jae hated feeling jealous, it didn't feel good at all. It made him impulsive, angry and agitated.
"I don't get it. Like, we were never actually together, so why the hell am I so hell-bent on this? I should be happy that she's happy, right? But I just--is he seriously better than me? Like goddamn, he probably is but..."
Andrea landed a hand on Jae's shoulder. "Jae, trust me when I say he is definitely not better than you."
"But that's what you think. It's because you hate Philip." Jae rubbed his face. "I don't know what to do, Drea, I just...I like her so damn much and it sucks. It fucking sucks."
"Jae." Andrea pushed his hair back and gave him a pat on his shoulder. "I've met many guys out there, and I'm telling you as a friend and as a woman, you're a billion times better than Philip."
"You're just saying that because you're my friend."
"No. Jae, look. You put on that 'bad boy' 'I'm so cold' act but we all know you're caring. Sure you have problems of your own, and you're far from perfect, but Jae, you're amazing. You're sweet and caring." She gave him a smile. "Like, boy, have you seen yourself? You're a perfect twenty out of ten, you have a nice smile, your hair is always on point, those beauty marks on your face are gorgeous, you actually take Cat out to have fun. I really couldn't have asked for a better man to like my best friend."
Jae gave a weak smile. "Thanks, but I'm not that great."
"Jae," Andrea sighed, "You need to stop bringing yourself down like that. You need to focus on all your good qualities. You can't just define yourself on how much a girl likes you."
Jae fidgeted with the sleeves of his windbreaker. "I just...no one could ever like me."
"What?" Andrea nearly choked. "Jae," she hummed. "Why would you think that?"
"You wouldn't understand."
She crossed her arms over her chest, sighing. "Of course I won't if you keep it to yourself."
Jae rolled his eyes. "It just won't happen. I thought maybe Cat would be able to change that, but I should've guessed."
Andrea didn't speak, she only gave a nod, enticing him to continue.
He remained silent for a while, contemplating if he should admit his feelings. His hands began shaking a little, his heart sped up, and he could feel sweat pooling at his brow. His voice came out shaky, insecure, unsure. "If my parents can't even love each other or me how can someone who isn't my family love me? How can they when no one does? I'm unlovable."
Andrea wrapped her arms around Jae, pulling him into a hug. Andrea felt his pain. Her parents had split years ago and it hurt her self-esteem; it was a reason as to why she'd had horrible previous relationship. She'd thought that a boy could fix all her problems, but it only made things worse.
"Jae, you aren't, trust me. But you can't expect that a girlfriend will change that. Everyone's broken. You can't expect her to love you and never hurt you. I'm not saying she should hurt you, but it's something that can happen."
Jae's hands hesitantly snaked around her waist and they sat there, hugging.
Andrea knew what he was going through. The fear of love wasn't something easy. The fear that you were replaceable, that you were nothing more than something that could be used and discarded in a second. Jae was right to be angry and hurt. His parent's failing marriage made him insecure, pained, and scared, and seeing Catalina replacing him so effortlessly also pained him. People would only love you when it suits them.
"Jae, I know how you feel," Andrea mumbled. "You're scared, but you shouldn't be. I'm here for you, and so is Maddie, Danny and Iris. We won't replace you, ever."
Jae sniffled. "Yeah."
Andrea pulled away and saw Jae's shining red eyes. She could tell he was forcing himself not to cry. He blinked a few times. "Now, how about we go for burgers, yeah?" She gave him a smile. "You must be hungry. We haven't eaten anything for hours."
He gave a soft laugh and nodded. "Yeah. Let me just...can I go to the bathroom for a bit. I'll be out in a few seconds."
Andrea nodded and stood from the couch. "Jae, just..." She landed a hand on his shoulder. "You're not alone."
Jae grabbed a pillow from her couch and hit her on her side. "Stop, you're going to make me cry."
Andrea stumbled back a bit, laughing. "You know, it's not bad to, especially when you're not alone."
"Drea," he grumbled, "please stop."
"Okay, okay." She smiled. "Go ahead, but don't take too long, yeah? We've only got like an hour until Mc's closes."
"What? What time is it?"
"Twelve," Andrea deadpanned as she picked up her jacket from the floor. She'd dropped it carelessly when the got home from school.
"Yo, what?" Jae pulled out his phone from his back pocket. "You sure we can leave, though? What about your brothers?"
Andrea huffed. "I'm sure they can be alone for twenty minutes. It's not like the house will burn down while I'm gone and they're sleeping, we just gotta make sure we lock the door."
"Okay." Jae also grabbed his jacket. "Let's go."
Andrea raised her eyebrows. "Aren't you gonna go to the bathroom?"
"I'm good." He ran a hand through his hair.
Andrea smiled and took a hold of his arm. "So, what do you want? I'm getting chicken nuggets and an ice cream cone."
Jae smiled as he rolled his eyes. "Whatever's good, I guess."
"Danny told me that you're going to a party next week with Iris. You really wanna go?"
"Why? You want to tag along?"
"Pft!" Andrea laughed. "No, I mean. Like, what if you see them there."
Jae shrugged. "I'm not going to let that stop me from having fun."