Dear Alina,
I can honestly say I tried, and I fought, even though I went into today not prepared to do that.
Last night I had been all gung ho and ready to fight, but today I woke up thinking that might not be the best idea.
I was willing to make it better with you, that was a start, but I thought it might be too early to start professing my love for you. Baby steps.
Anyway, I drove to your house like I said I was going to and I was about to go up to your door and ring like a gentleman, but you were already walking out to my car, sweatshirt in hand.
Maybe I sound cheesy, fuck it at this point, but every time I look at you lately it's like you're the most beautiful thing in the world to me. I could spend eternity studying every little detail of your face and it still wouldn't be enough. I wish I could just stare at you forever, then I would be happy.
You came up to my window and I rolled it down as you smiled at me, that smile that always made my day so much better.
"Hey," I said, smiling back. "Sorry about this, I don't want you to think-"
"No, Grant, you don't need to apologize. I should be thanking you." You handed it to me, all folded nicely and freshly washed, something you would do.
"It was no problem, really," I said as I accepted it. It was quiet for a few moments and I knew there was something you wanted to say, there were a million things I wanted to say, but I wanted to let you say it first. When nothing came out of your mouth, I decided to go, maybe I was reading the situation wrong. "Well, thank you for this, let me know if you need anything, Alina. I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but I'm here." I smiled at you one last time and put the car into gear when you spoke up.
"Actually, Grant, there is." You said, biting your lip.
I motioned to the passenger seat and you came around to sit next to me.
"What's up?" I asked.
You took a deep breath, closing your eyes. "Clarissa told me you brought me home because I was drunk and you couldn't find Sasha. Is that the truth? Is that what happened?"
A rock sat in my throat, keeping the right answer from coming out. Hell, no answer came out.
"Grant?" You asked again. "Grant, what happened?"
"I..." I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want you to get upset again, I had seen you upset too many times.
"How many drinks did I have? Let's start with that." You asked, looking at me intensely, your eyebrows furrowed together in worried concentration, the way you looked when we took chem tests.
"I only saw you have one," I started. "You probably had three to four max."
"I don't get drunk that easily, and I got blackout drunk, are you sure I didn't have more? I remember having one before the party, does that change things?"
I swallowed hard. "Alina, I know why you blacked out."
"Then tell me! What happened, Grant? I need to know and whatever it is, I can handle it." You swallowed hard. "Did I play too many games of beer pong? Did I hit my head? Did I get in a fight? Tell me."
I took a deep breath. You were right, I had to tell you. I couldn't try to protect you, this was your story. "When I first saw you, you were arguing with your girlfriend. You both looked pretty upset then you stormed into the kitchen and poured yourself a drink, then went into the living room."
"That much I remember," You said. "Is that it?"
I shook my head, taking a deep breath as I continued. "The next time I saw you, you were stumbling upstairs with a guy-"
"Who?" You asked, becoming more alarmed.
"Julian Rivers, he's on my lacrosse team and I knew he was a piece of shit, so I followed you guys upstairs. When I got up there, you two were in a bedroom,"
You covered your mouth with your hands as I watched the chest rise and fall quickly. I knew this was going to make you hurt, and I promised myself I would never do it again, but not telling you would hurt more. "You were on the bed," I took a deep breath. "He was over you, and he took off your pants."
"No," You croaked.
"After I saw that I went in and I stopped him from going any further. You were pretty out of it, so I think he must've put something in your drink-"
At this point, you started crying and I didn't know what to do. My heart began to hurt and I was so tempted to reach over and hold you like I had done a few nights before. "W-Where was S-Sasha?" You sniffed, trying to stifle your sobs.
"I don't know." I lied.
"You're lying," You said. "I know you're lying, Grant. You have to tell me, I deserve to know."
"I saw her in the backyard kissing someone." I said plainly, looking down at my hands.
Your shoulders tensed up as you looked over at me with wide eyes, shaking your head. "No!" You cried. "You're lying! You're lying to me, Grant! You're trying to tear us apart! You're trying to make it seem like you're the good guy! You're trying to get me back and it's not going to work!"
"Alina, I promise that's not the case-"
"How do I know any of this is true? For all I know, you could've been the Julian in this situation! Why would you do this to me?"
"I'm not lying, Alina, I promise." I looked back up at you. "I would never lie to you about this. That's what I saw and that's what I did and I'm sorry if that upsets you, I really am. I hate seeing you like this."
You continued to sob into your hands and I continued to just sit there doing nothing when I remembered April's words, and I reached out a hand to touch the back of your shoulder.
To my surprise, you didn't shake me off, and you looked up to me with red eyes. "Why would you help me?" You said softly. "Why would you take me home after all we've been through?"
"That's exactly the point, we've been through so much, Alina, I couldn't leave you," I couldn't fight the urge to wipe a tear from your cheek. "I wouldn't care if we had ended in the worst way possible, I would never leave you in a bad situation if I could help it."
You sniffled hard a few times, trying to pull yourself together. "Do you still have feelings for me?"
Before I could control anything, I felt this wave of emotions pass over me. That question I had been asked so many times the past few months I had immediately denied, but this time, I told the truth. "I'm in love with you, Alina."
You stopped sniffling and your face went dead serious, like the calm after a storm, or maybe before the storm. "What?" You asked quietly.
"I'm in love with you," I repeated. "I'm in love with you, Alina Troy."
You shook your head. "No, no you aren't."
"I am," I said quietly, my heart beating in a way that was frantic, yet calm. At peace. Settled. I love you, and my heart beat like that for you, but it wasn't scared to beat that way anymore. It was perfectly okay with being crazy for you. "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean for it to come out like this, at a time like this, but I couldn't help it."
You shook your head, tears slipping down your cheek. "I have a girlfriend, Grant, and she might have cheated on me, but it doesn't mean that I love you anymore than I do her, or anyone for that matter." You started to open the car door but I stopped you.
Suddenly, I wanted to fight. I didn't want to sit back and watch you walk away again. I wasn't going to settle. "She doesn't love you, Alina, hell, she barely respects you enough to keep her mouth off another girl. If you're not going to be with me-- which is fine-- please don't be with her. She's not good for you. And if for some reason you do choose to be with me, I promise that I will love you and protect you and honor you with every part of me because that's all I want to do. You don't know how awful I still feel about us splitting up, it was the biggest fucking mistake of my life and if I could go back and right every time I even looked at you wrong, I would-"
"Grant, stop," You said, your tone changing from heartbroken to snappy and annoyed. "You're being selfish again. You never learn, do you?" You scoffed, wiping your eyes. "You find an opportunity when I'm upset to try to get back together with me. You decide when I'm vulnerable to take a stab at winning me back so you can keep playing games with me-"
"Alina, I swear that's not the reason-"
"Stop interrupting me," You snapped. "I'm talking. "You broke up with me, Grant. I tried to make things work and you gave up, then I moved on. You don't get to dictate what happens between us anymore. I'm not letting you call the shots anymore. You made the decision to leave me, and I made the decision to move on, and you need to respect that." You said before opening the car door and walking away.
I let you walk away, but I tried, and I knew that pushing you further would just push you away.
I said what I needed to say and didn't quite get the reaction I wanted, but you were right and I deserved it.
Now I'm going to respect your decision, like you wanted.
But I'm never going to stop loving you.
Love,
Grant