Empty. I feel empty. I thought he was it for me. After all the heartache, everything I have been through he was the light at the end of the tunnel. He was my sunshine on the horizon. He was the oxygen I breathed after drowning in a sea of misery. I can't move on from this, I don't want too. He told me I was his, that we were made for each other. This had to mean something to him, so why am I left with a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be? Why do I feel like I'm suffocating all over again? Why?
I'd had to left Sam drives us back to my place. I'd zoned out completely from reality. I didn't see this coming, not from Arden. Everything had been incredible. Was this why he'd wanted me to arrange another ride home? Did he know all along that he was leaving? Why not tell me? I know it would have been hard, and would still hurt but at least I would know.
It's now been six days since I'd learned he was gone. That's seven lonely nights and eight long days since I was last in his arms, the strong, tattooed, safe arms that provided me comfort and warmth. What have I done in those days; you might ask? Nothing. I can't function without my heart, and he still has it. So here I am, curled up in bed wearing his shirt and boxers, refusing to wash them so I don't lose his smell. Refusing to leave my bedroom because dead people don't wander. I am dead. I am nothing without him.
I hadn't let go at first. Lived in a state of denial, but after calling him every hour for the first two days, I took the hint. I'd spent the next 24 hours crying nonstop. The tears have dried now, my body moving into a protective state, shielding me from my feelings. Sam and Abigail have attempted to cheer me up, but I refuse to accept their help. I'm not worthy of love, that's now been confirmed, so I want to distance myself from it. I have too, I have no heart left to love with.
I need to eat. Today I have decided to get out of bed. I may be heartless now, but my stomach needs to be fed. My nose works, so I need to shower. I need to run; all this sleep and I'm suddenly feeling energetic. I've got missed calls from Madam Sophie, wishing me a quick recovery from the flu. Clearly Sam's been covering for me. Maybe today will be a good day to go to the studio and see how it goes. Let's see if I can still portray a happy woman full of passion. Let's see how great an actress I can become.
I text Sam to let him know I'd like to go in, then jump through the shower. I'm going to force myself to start going through the motions. How do I feel though? Still empty.
-----
Being back in the studio feels strange, hollow, like it means nothing. I shake this feeling off, putting it down to the fact that for right now, nothing feels right. Casey is here, sneaking glances in my direction whenever he thinks I'm not looking. Sam's sticking by my side as much as possible, but it's only a matter of time before he will make a move again. I feel like he's a hunter, and I am his prey, he doesn't plan to stop till he has his trophy.
"You okay baby girl?" Sam sounds concerned, lingering at my side.
"Yeah, I'm good. Let's do this Sam, I need this" sadly saying the words doesn't help me feel them, but Sam doesn't need to be distracted by me, so I'm going to fake it till I make it.
"That's my girl" he exclaims, happy I am trying to get back into it. If only he knew huh.
We rehearsed many numbers that day, running through group performances, duet numbers and of course several of our solo's. Being a principle dancer here, I'm featured in a lot of the numbers, giving me optimum chances of being picked up by a company. I know I haven't shown a lot of commitment to Madam Sophie lately, and she really does deserve better than me. Maybe I need to really dig my toes in, give it one hundred percent.
We wrap it up for the day and head back to my place. Abigail is there, cooking up a storm in the kitchen, a tell-tale sign that Sam has blabbed to her that I up and out of bed now. I'm going to complain though; something smells delicious and I am hungry. Over the last 8 days I have managed to lose 5 kilos, and I really wasn't carrying any excess, so my hips are looking gaunt and just downright awful.
Slipping into my cosy sweats and jumper, I curl up on the couch and observe my darling friends as they banter in the kitchen over their preparations. For the first time since 'He' left, I actually feel something, not an emotion I can be proud of though, guilt. These two yet again stuck by my side, and I pushed them away, yet here they are. Though I still find it hard to accept that anyone is capable of loving me, maybe I can accept them liking me a lot. They sure do deserve recognition for that.
This continued for five more days. Sam collected me, had me protected at the studio and then brought me home to a home cooked meal made by Abi. Jeremy even swung by a couple of nights, to enjoy the meal and Sam's adorable company of course. Abi's cooking has been to die for, I've even managed to gain two kilos again with all these carbs she's been loading me up with.
Today is Day 14 Post Arden. I still miss him like crazy. I don't talk about him; I can't cope with the flood of emotions that comes once I open myself up. So instead, I keep the thoughts locked away, somewhat hoping that the now tainted memories will drift away on ebbing waters.
Today, I have agreed to return to our ridiculous early morning workouts, satisfied that the small weight gain has allowed my body to recover. We are now 7 days from the official recital. We have to give it our all, it's crunch time. Final rehearsals will start in two days, the dress rehearsals in four days. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement. Despite this being everything, I ever wanted, I have allowed so many issues, and so many distractions to come between me and my goals.
Sam made me work my ass off, I think he knows that keeping me distracted and busy has been key to getting me back on track. I won't lie, I am far from happy, but I am focused. After three hours at the gym, we head straight to the studio.
Madam Sophie is giving a great big pep talk, almost the same one she does every year, making me smile. We sneak in behind the group of dancers, and lean up against the wall to listen in. My muscles are aching from the shock of returning to the gym, so it's a welcome break.
RING RING RING
"Whose phone is that? Come on team, this is an important week, you know the drill when it comes to calls" Madam Sophie's strict voice is loud and assertive.
"Sorry Madam Sophie, it's mine. I hadn't had a chance to switch it off yet" I call out, pulling it from my bag. It stopped ringing just as I reach it, so I switch the sound off and go to drop it in my bag when it rings again, this time only vibrating in my hands.
"I'm sorry, I need to take this" I whisper to Sam, sneaking outside so I wouldn't disturb the group again. Looking at the screen, I have no idea who it is which is why I'd decided to answer.
"Hello?" I'm pretty hesitant, given I don't know who is calling.
"Emerson? Emerson is that you?" A soft female voice asks, a thick Irish accent coming through.
"Yes, this is she, who am I speaking with.... wait, Ashling is that you?" a note of excitement escapes me, the first form of contact I've had that is anywhere being close to Arden.
"Yes, of course Emerson. Oh, I am so glad I reached you. Now I have you, I need to ask, what the fuck?!" her soft voice has harsh undertones, and has been raised on octave.
"What do you mean? Wait, why are you mad at me?" Shouldn't I be asking what the fuck??
"Em, he's needed you. He's so lost now, how could you do this to him right now, when he needs you the most?"
"What do you mean he needs me? He's the one who left, he's the one who doesn't answer my calls and texts. He's destroyed me Ash. I'm here and he just disappeared" I burst into tears, confused and saddened that she could think I'd desert him, "and what do you mean he needs me?"
"Wait, what? Emerson you are not making any sense"
"Neither are you! How could you think I'd ever leave him; Ash I think I love him? But he left me. Two weeks and I've no clue why he left me" I hate how quickly my so-called non-existent heart starts racing in my chest at the mention of his name, that the tears returned so easily. My chest starts to constrict again, tightening like my lungs have closed up shop, protecting them from an incoming deluge.
"Emerson, slow down, take a deep breath for me please sis, let's get to the bottom of this. Arden did not leave you"
"What?" gasping at this statement breaks through the panic attack that had been trying to take over, she has my attention now, I take deep breaths to ensure I'm calm enough to hear what Ash is saying.
"Ems, our Papa has fallen ill. Tomas called Arden and demanded he come home. We had no clue how much time he had left, has left. It doesn't look good. They don't think he's going to survive Ems."
My mind is racing, trying to process all this data.
"Why didn't he just tell me?" His papa is sick, he must be devastated.
She sighed, long and sad, "He tried Ems, he really tried. He called, he text, but nothing seemed to get through. He thought maybe you had decided it was too much to deal with."
"But....but I have been calling him. I text him. I don't understand."
"So, you still wanted to be with him?" she asked nervously.
"Are you kidding me, of course I did! It's all I have wanted since the moment I met him"
"Emerson, do you think you could come? Come to Dublin, be here for him? He's going to need you more than ever if Papa passes. I've never seen him like this, he needs you."
"I'll take the next flight out. Can you pick me up? Don't tell him I'm coming, lets deal with that when I get there. Can you do that?" my voice is desperate, but there's nothing I want more than to be at his side.
"Sure, you have my number. Text me the flight details as soon as you know so I can be there. And Emerson?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you"
"Don't thank me, I should be thanking you. Thanks, so much Ash, I'll see you soon"
Ending the call, I stare at my phone confused and bewildered that they could think that, how could this have happened? I sense a figure in the doorway, and expect it to be Sam checking in on me, but as I turn, I'm furious to find Casey standing watching me.
"Problems in paradise?" he asks, moving his way closer to me.
"Oh, fuck off Casey, we've talked about this"
"Sounds like you could use a hug. Or maybe a little something else, c'mon babe, you know I can make you forget him. We can be good together again" he smirks, still edging closer.
"You're really something else Casey, how could you possibly think I would.........wait, hang on a second, no...... no, no, no" I look between Casey and my phone, then back again. It's all starting to fall into place. I'm not sure how he did it, but this communication issue between Arden and I, it all started the day this bastard had my phone.
"What?" he asked, dropping his head to the side, observing me, then giving me a cocky smile.
Something in me snapped right there and then. A blind rage took over, as I rushed at him, waving my fists at anything and everything.
"What did you do, what did you fucking do you fucking cunt" Honestly if I am saying this, I'm angry, "Wasn't enough that you killed my mom, but now you're trying to destroy everything else I have that is good" I slapping, punching and scratching at him as fast and as hard as I can.
"I hate you, I fucking hate you, what did you do?!" Most of my attacks aren't really connecting with much since he's taller and stronger than I am, but he did catch a fist to the eye, and I've scratched up his face pretty good.
"You're toxic, I can't believe I ever cared for you. You're nothing but lies and bullshit. Tell me Casey, what did you do?" I keep going, my hatred for him building up and up like a gale force wind sweeping through, and only stop when I feel Sam's arms around my waist pulling me back. I glance around to see I've got an audience, most with looks of horror, shock and surprise. One or two looks rather pleased, enjoying watching me try to beat the shit out of him. Surprisingly, Casey remained quiet, unresponsive to my actions and my anger.
"It was him Sam, it was all him" I cry, finally feeling everything. My knees begin to shake as I fall into his arms, weak and desperate for my Arden.
"Miss Roy, what is all of this made of" Madam Sophie's pissed, and she looks like she too could murder someone, "This is not how we conduct ourselves young lady"
"I've got to go Madam Sophie. I am so sorry" I mumble, signalling to Sam that he needs to take me away, my body too weak to carry itself.
"If you leave now Miss Roy, I will have no choice but to remove you from the schedule for this year's recital" she calls out, "This is your future Emerson, do you hear me, don't walk away from this now dear"
"I'm sorry" I say again, though I doubt she heard me as we make out way to the car.
"What's the plan Ems?" Sam asks, getting the car started.
"Take me home Sam, I need to pack my bags. I'm heading to Dublin" I smile gently, my first genuine smile in days.
Authors Note: I hope I got this one out fast enough so you all didn't hate me for too long!!