I was listening to this track while I was writing chapter 8 & 9 ----->
* * * * *
I took Ruari to my favorite French restaurant. Thank the spirits I'm well known on these parts. It didn't matter that I have no reservation or that we came in wearing semi-casual clothes. The maître d' courteously met us by the door once he learned of my arrival and escorted us to a private booth away from prying eyes before leaving us with the menu.
I was surprised to learn that Ruari speaks French fluently. I scored a point choosing this place because he seemed to like the ambience. After selecting the wine, appetizer and main course the waiter silently left.
"What?" He asked a bit annoyed and I realized I've been staring.
"Sorry," I apologized snapping out of my trance. "It's just that you're full of surprises. And I can't wait to uncover more of your secrets."
He glared at me for a full minute. I guess he was trying to intimidate me but I just found it adorable. He gave up with an exasperated sigh before taking a sip of his wine.
"I have no secrets Ciaran."
"I beg to differ," I said leaning close to take a whiff of his scent. "Your thoughts, your actions; everything about you is a secret to me. I intend to unravel you Ruari. I intend to know all of you."
I looked deeply into his mismatched eyes. One is the exotic shade of the forest and the other is that of the sea with a gold ring in the middle. And right now, he's looking back at me like he could see through my very soul. I like it that he's not afraid to meet me eye to eye, that he doesn't avert his gaze from mine. It makes me feel like we're equals even though I know that in some ways he's more superior than me.
I took the hand that he had resting over the table in mine and ran my thumb on his wrist feeling his pulse skip. He didn't pull back and I took that as a good sign. I reveled in the feel of his skin beneath my fingers, enjoying the magical shocks shooting from his skin to mine.
I was playing with fire. I was starting to get aroused and so was he. I could sense him and I know he could sense me. I know I have to take it slow. Everything inside of me is screaming to take it slow. Even Keiron is holding his breath waiting for what would happen next.
The last time I touched him intimately I ended up in the doghouse. I don't want him to distance himself from me any more than he already have. I want us to always stay like this, close and touching. Intimate.
"Ruari, I..."
"I have to make a call." He said successfully cutting me off, pulling his hand away from mine.
I whimpered at the loss of contact. I know. I'm pathetic when it comes to him.
"Now?" I asked not bothering to hide my disappointment.
I was desperate for him to stay. We were having a moment. The moment. I'm not dumb not to notice he's only making an excuse to get away from me, from what we're having or about to have. He's trying to step back and it hurts to know that he's choosing to do that when he could step forward, towards me.
"Yes, now."
I sighed and watched him walk away. I buried my face on my shaking hands, raking my fingers through my hair, resisting the urge to flip the damn table.
Follow him! Keiron urged clawing at me.
No. I answered trying my best to ignore him.
He might run away again! He whined.
He won't. I said tiredly. He just needs time and space to think.
Just follow him!
NO! I didn't want to argue with him so I blocked him out. I don't need his incessant clawing and nagging right now. I need to focus on Ruari.
I drowned out all the sounds in the restaurant and focused my senses on Ruari. His presence here, no matter how far, has a calming effect on me.
"Hey, it's me." I heard him talk over the phone. I should stop but instead I sat up straighter and strained to hear more. "I'm fine. Yes, I'm sorry."
Whoever it is he's talking to must be someone important because I could feel the anxiety coming off him just from the sound of his voice.
"There's some complication. My business here is taking longer than I thought." He explained to the person on the other line and I felt my gut twist into tight knots.
Is that what I am to him now? A goddamn complication! What he has here is not business but his life and the sooner he accepts that the sooner we could all move forward and be happy.
He was quiet for some time listening to the other person talk while I resisted the urge to march up to him and demand to know who he's talking to.
"I know and I miss you too." He breathed out and my head snapped to where he was standing on the other end of the restaurant. His back was turned so I couldn't see his face.
I can't believe he said he missed someone with me in the vicinity. Then I cursed myself for being so paranoid. He's probably just talking to a very close friend. I really shouldn't be listening.
Just when I was about to tune off his conversation all my hopes were dashed when he whispered, "I love you too Jean..."
I felt my heart break. How could he? Those words were meant only for me! How could he say them so easily to someone other than me? Keiron was howling in pain and anger hearing Ruari utter them to someone else. I can't say anything to ease his pain because I was on the same boat as him.
Dinner after that was a sad affair.
Ruari came back to the table a bit light hearted but I was sunk on a very dark mood. I didn't touch him again. In fact, I didn't even attempt to make conversation. He noticed my sudden change but didn't comment on it. His nonchalance made me angrier.
After eating we decided to head back and the drive was more awkward than the dinner. I parked the car on the garage and slammed the door behind me. I didn't wait for him as I head for the pack house.
I can't look at him right now.
"What's wrong with you?" He asked from behind me.
Now he wants to talk. Great! Fine!
"Who the fuck is Jean?" I snarled turning to look at him. Let me see how he goes out of this one, to try and deny the existence of that Jean person.
He looked confused and a bit taken aback but I soldiered on. "The one you were talking to on the phone at the restaurant. Who the hell is he?"
He frowned for a second, lost in thought. Then he paled when he realized what I just said.
"You were listening?" He accused.
"It was easy to hear!" I growled. I'm not sorry I listened in on his conversation actually I'm glad I did it. At least now I know he has a lover behind my back!
I still can't believe it. I want him to tell me who Jean really is. I want him to tell me he's no one important. To reassure me that what I heard in the restaurant was nothing but a mistake, a misunderstanding.
"You have no right to listen to my calls." He yelled advancing at me angrily. "It was a private conversation!"
"TELL ME WHO IS JEAN!" I yelled back the alpha in me rising to the surface and Keiron was making his presence known with a vengeance. His anger was harder to control than mine.
I don't care that we're arguing in front of the pack house or that other people could hear what we're arguing about. I just want to know who the hell Jean is so I could fucking kill him!
We were standing toe to toe. Any more and we'd be on each other's throat. I could feel movement within the house and at the edge of the forest but no one stepped forward. Both of us were too angry to bother about appearances or care that we're making a scene in front of the pack.
"No one you know!" He spat venomously turning to go inside.
"Ruari!" I shouted after him but he just kept going and I was left alone, filled with blinding rage that I don't know what to do with.
I growled and turned towards the forest. I stripped my clothes off before phasing. I felt wolves following me but I ordered everyone to leave me alone.
I let Keiron run free, allowing him to vent his frustration. We ran like the hounds of hell were nipping at our heels. And all I could think about was the fact that Ruari was in love with someone else.
How do I compete with that? I don't even know whom I'm competing with. Was it a man or a woman? How long have they been together? Are they living together or not? How serious were they? How could he love this Jean person and not love me?
Keiron howled in pain as we continued to run. My paws pounded hard on the forest floor and the wind beat harshly against my dark fur. We ran until we were spent. When I felt like all the anger and pain could be shoved to the side, I slowly traced my way back.
Now that my head is clear I realized that I might have over reacted. I should have asked him nicely instead of snapping at him. In the first place, I shouldn't have listened in on his conversation because that would suggest that I didn't trust him.
Truthfully, it doesn't matter if Ruari loves someone else. He's with me now. He would learn to love me. I told him I wouldn't give up. I don't care how many Jeans show up. In the end, it would be Ruari and I. It would always be us.
"I'm sorry," I said to the vacant space that was my room. I sat on the edge of my bed facing the closed door separating Ruari's room and mine. "I'm sorry for what happened tonight."
I know he was awake. I also know he could hear me. He just chose not to respond.