sunday 02.07am
Laying down on my bed I thought about the encounter with Everly again. And again. Just like I already had been doing this whole weekend.
I hated how she still occupied my mind like this, just like she did before this mess. I hated the fact that she acted so damn innocent in front of her uncle, like we aren't fighting our war.
The truth is that I'm so tired of pretending that I'm okay with us fighting. With me hating her. But the thing is that I'm not. I hate how I spend so much time on hating her. It makes me tired as hell.
I know that what Tanner told me was true, I needed to forgive her, even if it was just for my own sake. And seriously, I would.
It's just so fucking hard, every time I see her I just go into this 'fighting' mode and I'm not rationalizing anymore. It's like my mind locks in a kind of unreliable way. It's a miracle she never found out about the bet between Cameron and me.
I know it was a fucked up idea, but we still got through with it. Even Zarah agreed upon it. I just wanted Everly back even when I was the one who fucking had pushed her away.
I have to say that, over the time that we were together, I got to know her really well and I really got to love her. But just as a friend. My heart was still aching for Everly at the time.
But that was my own fault, if my need to revenge wasn't so bad we would've still been friends.
Then my phone rang.
Lighting a cigarette I picked up. "Yeah?"
Camerons voice came through: "Ryder?"
"Yea, wassup?" Taking a drag of the cigarette.
"I might have told Everly about our shit."
Slowly blowing out the smoke I asked him. "You what?"
"Everly knows about our bet."
A string of curses left my mouth as I realized what he meant. Speaking of the devil huh.
"Why?" I demanded, my voice low and threatening.
"She deserved to know? And also I fucking may have been drinking." I now heard him slur the last few words.
"Why'd you always act on impulse?" I groaned, "You're so irresponsible."
"She needed to hear it before she starts working with you. I wanted you both to have a clean slate again."
"You messed it all up, dude. Fucking leave those things rest. Firstly you fuck her behind my back and now pull shit like this?"
So good at blaming others Ryder.
"I'm sorry. But it was time Ry, for how long would you want to keep it a secret? Over time it would've had hurt her even more."
Mumbling a halfhearted response I hung up on him pressing my cigarette against my bare knee, barely feeling the pain as I sank in deep thought.
I knew it was bound to come out sometime but I kind of pushed that thought away. But here we are.
Damn, I wish we had never made that bet. This shit is messy as hell and God knows how I'm gonna work this out.
At the time I thought it would be a good idea, to let her see she couldn't go on without me. That I was going to be the only one for her. But we failed. She locked us out of her heart en almost never tried to speak to me again, which made me so fucking angry and sad at the same time.
After Zarah's dead my anger turned into hate and I started to obsess over her. I hated that I did that but I felt like I needed to, because of the fact that she didn't fucking do anything about Zarah and I.
I eventually had loved Zarah, as a friend, but there was always this annoying voice in the back of my head telling me that Zarah wasn't the one for me.
It felt like I was obligated to Zarah to eventually make Everly fall in love with me, not having her lock us out. Now that Zarah wasn't here anymore, it was as if fate decided to turn against me and make me fucking crazy about the fact our bet didn't work out. Zarah sacrificed herself for me and wanted me to be Everly's so bad. She had thrown her own happiness away for Everly's. She told me that Everly sometimes fucking broke down in front of her because of how I had broken off our friendship.
I have to apologize for many things, as I messed up big time.
*.•~*
I didn't close my eyes for the whole night, but that wasn't anything I wasn't used to. My razor blade made the rest of the night a blur until my phone pinged.
A message from Everly? I immediately unlocked my phone and read it.
E. Ryder?
What'd she want?
R. everly? wassup?
E. Can we maybe talk?
God, did you let her read my thoughts or what?
R. what? u mean like now?
E. Maybe we can go to 'our' place.
I can't believe she'd still wanna talk.
R. yea, if thats what u want thats fine
E. Can you maybe pick me up?
Just like old times..
R. ofc, be there in five
Of course she'd wanna talk, she always wants to talk things out. Never giving up on thoughts.
Throwing a glance at my reflection in the mirror as I walk by, I nod at myself.
You got this Ry.