The night seemed to have lasted an excruciatingly long century. The squared alarm clock over Peter's nightstand beside my head was moving so slow it was as if time wasn't going by at all, to my dismay.
I wanted to sleep but the thunderstorm had arrived at last, and it was so strong, every five minutes I would go blind from the bright lighting bolt, then deaf from the deafening thunder.
Every noise was a distraction, every little clatter kept me alert, awake and overthinking. From the hailstorm and thunder to speeding cars and to little Owen who I, at some point, heard running down the stairs to grab something from the kitchen and coming back up so quickly it was like something was after him.
However when the world fell quiet at last, I still couldn't sleep. Peter kept turning and tossing an awful lot on the other corner of the bed. Maybe if we were touching I wouldn't have been so worried, for I would be sure he was warm, calm and resting, having only a bad dream. Because we were not I had no idea what was happening. The empty valley that separated our bodies was cold and man less. I didn't dare to cross it, even if I really wanted to.
I kept glancing at him over my shoulder tough, as to make sure he wasn't having some sort of thing. I still wasn't sure if he wasn't. All I was sure of was how much I loved the deep scar across his chin and how much I just wanted to kiss it and kiss him.
I wish that was the only reason I remained awake until the sun pierced trough Peter's curtains.
Heartache was keeping me awake above the everything else I tried to justify it with. I was so sad and hurt my head ached so massively it was probably a migraine the size of Texas. All I wanted was to let it all out and cry it away, but I couldn't. Peter was just inches away from me. I couldn't cry that silently if I really tried. Instead my nose was clogging up, stinging badly and my throat was dry and scratchy. My body was punishing me for stuffing it up, yet another time.
What else was there to do? It was alright to feel broken. The person I was in love with had spoken wonders of someone else, using the words I constantly and proudly used to describe our own thing and it hurt. It freaking hurt like hell.
It wasn't that I didn't believe Peter hadn't notice what he was doing, that It wasn't on purpose but it didn't make it hurt any less for It meant he had truly forgotten all about us and all about me.
When Peter stood up from the bed at around nine I ,some why, decided to pretend I was sleeping by holding my breath in and only exhaling when he closed the bedroom's door behind him on the way out. Apparently in my head sleeping was the same as being dead. Either way, I knew that if I faced him I'd let my feelings surface and I couldn't let that happen. For all Peter knew I was long over him and that's how I wanted him to keep thinking.
There was no point of declaring myself to him. I had to keep myself in my own place, and it was being, solely, his friend.
For a while I just laid in bed, debating just leaving without saying anything, but then again, that would be a dead giveaway of how his words wounded me. Instead, I sucked it up and jumped from bed, undressed his clothes, put mine back on and walked down the stairs to meet Mrs. Kavinsky and Peter in the kitchen.
''Hey, sleeping beauty.'' Peter smiled from the island counter. His mouth full of french toast. I ignored him, in fact I didn't even look his way further than that. I know It was borderline stupid and he didn't deserve any of my attitude, yet, I did it as a way to protect myself, for whenever I looked at him all I could picture was him and Chloe. That was one mirage I wanted to avoid at all costs.
''Good morning honey, we didn't want to wake you up.'' Mrs. Kavinsky said, smiling like mornings were her favourite thing in the entire world. I didn't match her mood at all but her cheerfulness made me feel a tiny bit better. ''Did you sleep alright?''
''I slept okay, thank you!'' I smiled back above the uneasiness Peter's intense staring was making develop in the pit of my stomach. ''What's this delicious smell?''
''Mom made your favourite.'' Peter answered as I sat down on the island counter's stool beside him. ''White chocolate cake.'' I didn't look at him directly but from my peripheral vision I could see him shove a fork full of cake into his mouth and flash me a clumsy smile between it.
Even when he was gross he was adorable.
''No!!'' I gasped excitedly, turning to Peter's pleasantly smiling mother. ''I can not tell you how much I miss that!''
''I'd believe so!'' She chuckled as she slid me a slice across the counter. ''I remember all the times Peter made me do it just so he could bring you some.''
''Alright mom, TMI.'' Peter laughed awkwardly, his mother shrugged and my heart fluttered.
There was so much Peter did for me, without expecting anything in return. There was so much he did behind my back, simply to protect me and, or make me happy. There was so much that I didn't know until recently... I wondered if there was more, or if he still did so. Suddenly I didn't feel the need to protect myself from him anymore. He probably knew me better than I knew myself.
''I'm just saying!'' Mrs. Kavinsky raised her hands in defeat. ''You were so infatuated with each other!''
''Mom.'' Peter warned.
''Oh, Rita knows! Don't you dear?'' She turned to me. The divine cake I had just taken into my mouth got stuck in my throat as I tried to swallow. I had to cough it down before I began chocking. ''I had never seen my Peter so happy! I never understood why you let distance come-''
''Mom for fuck sakes! Haven't you got any filter?'' Peter raised his voice and everything else fell silent, even the water kettle.
''Peter Grant Kavinsky watch your attitude!'' Mrs. Kavinsky raised her voice even louder. I turned my full attention towards my cake, pretending an argument wasn't happening around me.
''I'm- I'm gonna take a shower'' Peter mumbled before storming away and up the stairs.
''He never wants to talk about it.'' Mrs. Kavinsky said between a deep breath. Her eyes apologising to me for watching the scene from the first row. . ''You know, I
could hear him cry himself to sleep every single night for months on end?'' I shook my head before turning back to the food I didn't felt like eating anymore. I pushed the plate away. With the deepening hole in my chest swallowing my heart and my head buzzing with guilt, there was no way on Earth I'd swallow a bite, let alone a whole the plateful it. ''The way he looked at you, the way he talked about you.. Oh, he was so in love and I was so happy for my son. He's been trough so much... I know Peter looks like he's made of stone but he's the most sensitive boy there is in the world... He feels silently you know? With you he was stable, he was happy and he wasn't scared to show emotion. God he was so happy...''
''We both were.'' I said, my voice breaking.
''Can I give you an advice dear?'' Mrs. Kavinsky leaned over the counter towards me and I nodded. ''You shouldn't let such a good love go to waste. Me and his father were high school sweet hearts too, and I know for sure that If we had half of the connection you two do, we'd have for sure worked out.''
❃
''Hey.'' I greeted softly as I pushed open the door of his bedroom. Peter was sitting at his desk, a book and a pad open ahead of him. ''Studying? That's a first.'' I chuckled but Peter didn't. His attention didn't even divert from his writing. The sight was odd in itself but that was even odder. I expected at least a small smirk. ''Didn't you shower yesterday?'' I tried again upon noticing his wet hair still dripping over his shoulders.
''Yeah but it helps me think.'' He said with a shrug, yet he still didn't look my way.
''Gotcha.'' I nodded sitting at the edge of his, still un-made, bed, granting myself with the perfect view to the back of his head.
''Isaac called.'' He informed.
''Oh shit! I totally forgot to tell them!'' I cursed. ''What did he say? Is he mad?''
''Yeah, he's pretty mad but also he's coming with Lara Jean, so.''
''He's coming?'' Peter nodded. ''By car?'' Peter nodded again. ''What car? His car isn't in LA - Oh my god.. I'm going to murder him. He's taking my car!''
''And that's not okay because?'' Peter turned on his spinning chair to look at me, his eyebrow raised towards the glow in the dark stars that adorned his ceiling. He had told me it was a decorative choice he made when he was ten but his mother had told me he was way beyond fourteen when he got them. Regardless it was adorable.
''Because he never let me drive his!'' I said as if it was obvious and as if Peter should have known that all along, because, well, he did. ''I promised myself I'd never let him drive mine!''
''Wow, sibling level pettiness. Are you sure you're just cousins?'' He chuckled waving his pen like a wand.
''Oh, oh!! Watch out for the joker.'' I mocked grimacing. Peter rolled his eyes. ''When are they getting here?''
''In ten minutes.'' He said turning back to his studying.
Perhaps I should have let him study and I shouldn't have said a word further. I should have probably laid back and catch some Z's but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't.
''Peter?'' I called somewhat nervous. The subject was sensible in itself but so was I. The match was delicious to my anxiety.
''Hm?'' He murmured.
''I don't think you should be mad at your mom!''
''Wouldn't you think that?'' Peter snorted. I chose to ignore his remark.
''Yes because she didn't say anything wrong. We were pretty effectuated.'' I chuckled softly, trying to lift the tension those words would sure implant in the ambient.
''Yeah.'' Peter snorted again.
''What?'' I asked, now visibly annoyed and sort of offended with his mocking reactions.
''Nothing.'' He shrugged, shaking his head.
''It is clearly something. You wouldn't go-'' I mimicked his snort. ''If it wasn't nothing.''
''Don't pull from me Rita.'' He said shaking his head.
''Oh I'll pull from you.'' I sneered crossing my arms. ''You know I won't let it slide.''
''Alright! Did you even realise what day yesterday was?'' He asked turning around with the speed of a bullet, startling me and probably the goldfish in his nightstand.
''Yeah...It was Friday.'' I frowned, shifting uncomfortably under his intense, narrowed gaze.
''No.'' He shook his head. ''It was Valentine's Day...'' My heart sunk towards depths I thought nonexistent.
The whole commotion of the previous day hadn't let anyone realise anything and although it wasn't really on me, I still felt like I should have known. I should have been attentive to everything despite everything.
First neither me, my mother and Thomas had realised my brother had been born on their first wedding anniversary. Then I hadn't realised I was spending valentine's day with Peter. Third and worst of all I was keeping him from spending it with his girlfriend. I didn't want to be that girl. What's the word? A homewrecker? I didn't want to be that, no matter how much I wanted Peter back.
''Shit Peter...I'm sorry. If I had realised I wouldn't have let you waste it with me.'' I frowned deeply, my hand on my chest. Peter laughed, ignoring my distress, which caught me completely off guard.
''You're clueless.'' Peter said, pointing a pencil at me.
''Why am I clueless?'' I raised an eyebrow.
''Because I say so.'' He shrugged, smugness all over his tone.
''Do you have something to tell me?'' My heart began racing as I finished speaking. Perhaps it knew, way before I did, what those words would entice and it was readying itself.
''Do you want me to have something to tell you?'' He smirked widely.
''No.'' I lied, my mouth running dry.
''The thing is I think you do.'' He said raising both his brows before standing up. I shifted further into the middle of the bed as he then began walking towards me. It wasn't that I wanted to keep a distance between us. God knows I didn't. I just wanted to make it look like I wasn't as frozen as I appeared to be. ''I think you want me to tell you that I spent valentine's day with you because you're the one I should always spend it with. Right?'' I gulped.
''Stop that.'' I raised my finger as to warn him to stop walking and to stop talking. I didn't want to him to stop anything that was going on, but the fact he shouldn't be saying those things, for so many reasons, was throwing me off. Just putting myself in Chloe's shoes was enough. ''Stop!''
''No. I think you want me to tell you that last night I was talking about you, not Gen, not Chloe.'' Peter only stopped walking when his knees met the edge of his bed. Then the room felt so silent I bet he could hear how fast my heart was throbbing against my chest. Peter leaned over me and I, in a silly effort to get away, fell back against his sheets. I was trapped. ''And, I think you want me to tell you that I haven't moved on at all.''
''W-what are y-you doing?'' I stuttered as he hovered over me, his weight supported by his strong arms on each side of my head. His lips so close to me I could feel his minty breath on my skin. He was smiling.
''Tell me Rita, do you? Do you want to hear me saying all of that?'' He said on my ear, his lips brushing against it slightly but teasingly. Every nerve inside my skin reacted. I closed my eyes to enjoy the pleasant sensation. My judgement was clouded from then on. I didn't care. ''Do you want to hear me saying I am still so in love with you it's driving me insane?'' I nodded pulling my lower lip softly under the upper one. Happiness tingled at every extremity of my body. ''Good. I really want to say it.'' He smiled pleased as his finger tapped my lips. ''I love you. I love you so much that if I have to spend a single day more without you, I might as well not live to see it because It's a fucking waste.''
''I fucking knew it. I called it! I knew!'' We both jumped at the sudden shriek coming from the door. A sound that shouldn't have interrupted us at all. It was Lara Jean who spoke. She was excited, no, she was borderline euphoric which was endearing but I wanted to kill her. Even though I loved her to the point I'd give her my life I wanted to kill her. Isaac stood beside her a quarter surprised and three annoyed. I could kill both.
''Shit you two couldn't have waited?'' My cousin protested, his hand still on the doorknob.
''Oh my god, you still don't know how to knock? It's not that hard see?'' I snapped. My frustration transpiring trough. ''You knock your knuckles against the wood like three times. '' I did as I said after walking their way. ''Then you wait for an answer and you come in or not in function of it. Do you want me to write this down?''
''Funny.'' Isaac mocked me.
''Will you just- Bye.'' I said as I closed the door in their face, hearing them protest trough it after.
My chest was still heaving uncontrollably as I raised my head to lock eyes with Peter.
''Where were we?'' He smirked as he tried to embrace me. Tried only because I pulled away, making him frown. With the interruption his spell faded away and maybe I should have wanted to thank my best friends for it instead of wanting to kill them. Because of the interruption I realised that I needed clearing more than anything else and before anything else.
''I'm so confused.'' I said massaging my temples. ''I'm- I don't get it.''
''I think I made myself pretty clear?'' Peter said. ''What don't you get.''
''First of all I don't get anything.'' I whined. Peter laughed. I crossed my arms. ''Don't laugh.''
''Okay, I'm sorry.'' He said. ''Go on, ask away.''
''Okay.'' I nodded and took a deep breath to recollect myself and my buzzing thoughts. ''Are you sure?''
''Sure of what?'' Peter furrowed his left eye.
''That you love me?''
''Never stopped.'' He smiled.
''Okay, shit.'' I took another deep breath. I was feeling to much to acknowledged it all. ''Then why the fuck are you with Chloe?'' However, I had to go there.
''That's a fair one.'' He nodded. I stood silent waiting for an answer. ''In the beginning of the year, when you decided to create those rules I though that was it. I thought you were so done with me that you went to the extent to make up a bunch of rules to keep you from coming back. Can you blame me for thinking that? You were so distant and cold-''
''I was hurt.'' I argued.
''Yes but so was I Rita. The same months you spent suffering I did to.'' I looked to the side. ''I take all the blame but I thought I was doing what I had to do for you to be okay and It might have not worked but your well being was always my intent.'' I pressed my lips together, tears building up in the corners of my eyes. ''Chloe was my way of trying to let you heal and let you go. I thought she'd make me want to obey the rules and make me forget you. As you can tell she didn't. Not being able to touch you or be with you just made me appreciate you and what we had more. It just made me want it back badly, though I never verbalised it because I thought you had moved on. You looked like you were finally happy when you got with Leo and as I said, your well being was my prime concern, I always put it above mine so I didn't want to jump back into your life and ruin it all for you. Plus I didn't know you were going through the exact same thing. If I did I wouldn't have gotten jealous and missed your birthday dinner. I wouldn't have stop kissing you on Halloween and I wouldn't have pulled that fucking lame scene.''
''Well.. that explains a lot. But how do you know I was going trough the exact same thing?''
''First of all, Leo, once asked me if you were so closed and cold with me when we dated as you were with him. You weren't.'' I nodded. I couldn't lie, I guess I was a bit. After all I wasn't in it fully with my mind and heart. ''Then, you always got this hurt look on your face whenever you saw me with Chloe. I mean, I thought it was just because you didn't like her but now I know it hurt you because you love me.''
''Oh I do?'' I teased.
''Yes.'' Peter smiled and I was reminded that yes, I loved him more than anything else. Th feelings I have for him wouldn't end until my body ceased to function and my soul would be released for whatever comes after.
''And you got that from those two things?'' I asked with a smart-ass tone.
''Also, last night when you thought I was talking about Chloe your eyes began to tear and you turned your back on me. A dead Give away.'' He shrugged.
''Oh I was pissed about that mister, calling her your soulmate?'' I clenched my heart as If I had just been shot.
''Calling you my soulmate.'' He said approaching me. His arms then encircled around me and he pushed me closer to the place I should always have been - his chest. ''You're the one that I want. Forever Rita. God damn me if I'm letting you go again.''
If there was doubt before, In the way he kissed me next I found the veracity to his words and it faded completely. Not only he meant what he was saying but he felt it and he let me know how much he did.
That's how it should have always been.
Peter's POV on
She placed her hands on either side of my face and the room fell away. I remember how her kiss felt, like the first breath after a lifetime of holding it in a knot in the middle of my throat. It was refreshing. However this time it surpassed all I knew. I was lost and the space between us exploded. My heart kept missing beats and my hands couldn't bring her close enough to me. I didn't want to let go. I tasted her and I realised I had been starving for too long. I had loved before but never like that. I had kissed before but it didn't burn me alive, burn so good.
I always knew but then I was reminded. I had been waiting for Rita all my life.
''You need to break up with Chloe.'' She said as she pulled away, her hands resting softly over my chest. I wondered if she could feel my heart beat against her palm. I wondered if she was aware of how it entirely belonged to her. I wasn't sure there even was a difference between my heart and Rita. She was it.
''I will. First thing Monday.'' I smiled. I just wanted to spend forever getting high off what it felt like to own all her love and I couldn't hide it.
''Cool.''
''Cool.''
Peter's POV off
If it's meant to be, you will find your way back to one another.
Was what I kept telling myself for months on end and I'm glad I did. I had never been more glad to follow my own advice even if for a while I decided to follow someone else's.
~ Some when after the first lacrosse game ~
''I'm gonna be honest with you.'' Eva deep-breathed, eyeing me from across the table. ''Even though I know this isn't what you wanna hear right now, I'ma say it anyway cause you're my girl and I love you. You need to let someone new into your life. It doesn't have to be Leo but he's already here and you like him so why not him? You need to be refreshed.'' I chuckled softly at her wording. ''For real. You need to give someone else a shot at making you smile, making you laugh. You know why?'' I shook my head. ''Because that's what's going to show you that life has to go one for you too and not just for the dude who left you behind. I know you're hurting and I know this heartbreak shit isn't easy but keeping yourself closed off isn't what's going to make it any better. Peter is out there living and thinking about himself is he not? It's your turn now. It's your turn to live and for fucking once start thinking about yourself too.''
~
Allowing myself to forget would never work. Letting Leo replace Peter would never work. There was no replacement possible. It wasn't that Leo wasn't enough. It was that no one was. There was no person, dead or alive, that could, in my eyes, be better than Peter.
What kind of person even hurts himself just so the other can heal?
My person. The kindest, most caring, considerate and loving heart and soul. Peter.