August 2016
I scratch the walls trying to make a straight line.
It's the third day in solitary and I can't help but think of Bambi. I need to stop ending up here because whenever I'm here there's no one to protect her.
I've realised that it's the silence that makes this such a bad experience.
Silence is uncomfortable because it makes up face your thoughts head-on without any interference. Sometimes your thoughts aren't pretty and that's what makes it worse.
There are so many people that don't make it back from solitary. They just hang themselves and get it over with.
Sometimes I wonder if death is the same thing as solitary.
Of course, your mind is not as active but it is the same thing of darkness and silence. Maybe that's why they do it. Suicide I mean. Better to hear nothing at all than everything at once.
Guess that's why I attempted it.
****
October 2018
"You have to come out."
Vivian's voice brought me back to reality. A reality I don't want to face right now. I just want it to go back to being silent.
"I'm good thanks," I reply from the other side of the bathroom toilet
"I'll come in then." She states and I stay silent. There's no way for her to come - her little head peaked up from the bottom of the bathroom stall and I was shocked. "You gonna come out now or do I have to stay on this disgusting floor?"
I sigh and let her get up before I open the door. "I'm going home."
"Why?" She says confused, "You knew this was coming, hence why you planned for it."
She does have a valid point. I just didn't think it would hit this hard when it did happen.
"Do you think I should reveal the photos now?" I ask and she shakes her head.
"It's up to you but I wouldn't. Soon people will forget what you did and it'll fade into a scandal when people are on the brink of forgetting, that's when you post them."
She didn't seem afraid of me like she had already forgotten what I went to jail for. Or already knew?
"Aren't you scared?"
She furrows her eyebrows before shrugging, knowing what I'm referring to. "You don't go to jail at 16 if you didn't do anything worth it. Plus it's not like you're ever going to tell me why you killed who you killed so why should I think about it?"
She does have a point. However, I do think that we're getting closer to the point where I could trust her but at the same time, she did warn me that she's no one's friend.
I look at myself in the mirror, proud that I didn't cry so I don't have puffy eyes. I just need to get back out there and be who I always am.
"Okay, let's go."
Vivian looked at me and smiled before nodding her head. "I bought some clothes, mind you, they've been in my locker since the end of junior year so it doesn't smell very nice."
I whip the shirt over the camisole I have on and take off my jeans to put on the too-short skirt Vivian gave me.
"This is so against dress code," I tell her, tugging at the skirt.
"Firstly, it's Gucci so the dress code doesn't matter and secondly, if your ass was flat like mine, it would fit just fine." She retorts whilst picking up her handbag. "Let's leave, this place gives me bad vibes."
*
I barely made it to lunch without cold stares from everyone in the corridor and a few sadistic people coming and asking how I killed Finn. Granted they don't know it's Finn or what he did to deserve death.
The cafeteria went silent when I stepped in. Not that I'm surprised, they were all probably gossiping about me before I entered the room.
Ethan got up from his seat at the table and joined me as I stepped to the line.
People parted like I had some contagious disease. I wanted to scream, You can't catch murder, idiots! But at this point, there's nothing I can even do.
"I've already called dad," Ethan says, "He's going to send her a cease and desist,"
I don't say anything back to him except order my food at the lunch lady who seems to have caught the local gossip too, which is evident with the way she's staring at me.
"How about my cashmere?" I ask him and Ethan looks down at me like I've grown two heads
"Regina, that's not important. What's important is that-"
"Ethan calm down," I tell him seeing the vein about to pop o his forehead, "Dad's sorting it on the legal end right?" He nods his head, "And I'll handle this my way."
Ethan looks down at me with narrowed eyes but doesn't say anything as we make our way to the table.
I know everyone's planning on seeing if I'm going to be able to sit at the table still and before I could even do anything, Caleb pulls out the chair for me and beckons me with a head nod.
I swear, this guy must know what he's doing and he definitely gets more attractive every time he supports me.
"You must be fucking kidding me," Paulette announces as I place my food down on the table.
"It's not good to swear, Letty." I reprimand with a little smile on my face whilst sitting down
"And you want us to believe you're not fucking her?" Paulette asks Caleb and for the first time Caleb responds
"Do you want my dick that much that you care?"
Shocked, I looked at him, trying not to show a smile. Maybe I'm rubbing off on him or he's always been like this but quiet and I've just brought it out of him.
"Oop," Quinton utters
"So you are fucking her then?" Kayla concludes
"No cause I'm not you Kayla." I tell her, "I'm not easy."
"Oh Damn!"
"Quinton, shut up." Jude hisses
Kayla starts to laugh a little, "I find it funny how you think you can still talk to me like that when everyone here knows what you are. You're a murderer. You shouldn't even be here."
I smile in return, "I find it funny that you keep talking when you know what I am," I pause for dramatic effect, "A murderer."
"How did you kill them?" Kayla questions, changing the subject which I realise she does when she knows I have her beat, "You strangle them? Shoot? Stab? We will all like to know your MO so the next time someone dies, we know who to blame."
"Well, When you die," I start, "they know who to call, cause I would have planned it and that's a promise."
"You're not scared of going back to jail?" Jude questions and I raise my eyebrow at him
"I wouldn't even enter," I reply before looking back at Kayla, "Your food is getting cold. You might want to enjoy that, while you can."
Quinton let's out a snigger totally ruining the moment.
"For God sakes, Quinton." Vivian huffs, "You can't stay silent for once?"
They fell back into arguing once again which I was left out of as I was too busy smiling at Kayla who was faring back at me with eyes filled with both anger and fear.
I leaned into Caleb, "Thank you,"
He licked his lips, "You know, you probably shouldn't leave empty threats out like that."
I smiled at him, it's so cute that he thinks it's empty.
"If she tries it again, then I have someone for her," I reply simply
He smirked a little and looked me in my eyes, making me feel like he was reaching into my soul, "You know how else we could solve this?"
I raise my eyebrow as if asking, What? And he moved his arm around my shoulders pulling me into him more and kissing my forehead.
I swear, it was crickets in the room. He didn't even kiss me properly and they're acting like it's the end of the world
the thick silence was cut by the screeching of Kayla's chair as she shifted backwards and left the room.
Paulette followed her immediately and Jude soon after which made both Vivian and I look at each other with interest.
"That didn't solve anything." I reply to him, "If anything, you just made it worse."
His smirk turned into a smile, "I know. I couldn't help myself."