Steve ended up carrying Tony. He said something about low blood sugar so the man had to carry him for a good part of the walk. He had a feeling that Tony was just messing with him so he would carry him, but he didn't let his suspicions be known. As the walk got longer, they both grew hungry and searched for a place to eat. Luckily they came across a diner and they walked up the stairs and stared at the no llamas sign above the door. They're going to have to improvise.
So after they went around back and Tony offered the idea as dressing himself up as a woman, which Steve didn't think they'll be able to pull off, they went back to the front and smiled as they walked through the diner and to an empty table.
"This isn't going to work" Steve's eyes darted to the table behind Tony, where a man with an eye patch and a woman with dark brown hair sat.
"Will you relax. Everything will be alright" Tony assured the man sitting across from him. They had just finished going through the menus and know exactly what they're going to get, now they're just waiting for one of the waiters to take their order.
"Here comes the waitress" Steve placed an arm on the table, rested his head on his hand and smiled lovingly at Tony.
Tony pulled out a blue fan they found outside, opened it and held it up to his face. He's wearing Steve's brown hat, his green poncho as a dress, pink lipstick and fake eyelashes. They also fixed his hair to make it look like a woman's hairstyle.
The waitress stopped at their table and gave a sigh. She wants to be anywhere else but there "welcome to Mudka's meat hut, home of the mug..." She turned to Tony and stopped when she saw his face. He giggled and fanned himself "...of meat. My name is Wanda. What will it be?" She's holding a notepad in one hand and a pencil in the other.
Steve cleared his throat before speaking "we'll have two specials. Is that alright, dear?" He turned to Tony.
"Oh whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like" Tony batted his eyelashes, and even his voice changed to fit his role as a woman.
"Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon" Steve told Wanda.
"Bless you for coming out in public" she replied and took the menus "so that's two specials"
"And an onion log" Tony let his real tone of voice slip out but he quickly covered it up "to split"
Wanda gave him a lazy grin and turned around "ordering! I need 2 heartburns and a deep-fried door stop on table 12!"
Tony and Steve laughed when Wanda was out of earshot. "Okay, so I admit, this was a good idea" Steve admitted to Tony.
"When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?" Tony asked Steve.
"Well that's funny because I thought, you going into the jungle yourself" Steve held a finger out as he began to count "being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace, were all really bad ideas"
"Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude" Tony told Steve.
Wanda came back with their orders and set the plates in front of them "hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple" she said without emotion and then threw confetti "mazel tov" again, no emotion behind her voice.
Tony sniffed the food on the plate. He's not sure what that is but he assumes it must be something country folk eat. And judging by the way Steve smiled and tapped on the rolled up bug to get it to open, he was right. He grimaced as he saw Steve sucking up the insides of the large bug. He would never eat such thing. He actually nearly came close to throwing up.
"Oh, here, let me get that for you" Steve tapped Tony's bug and it opened up. Tony grimaced and got out of the table. "Where are you going?" Steve asked with a mouthful of bug.
"I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef" Tony said.
"You're gonna get us thrown out"
"Please. With this disguise" he fluffed up his hair "I'm invisible" he walked up to the kitchen door, his behind looking much bigger due to the fact that he's wearing Steve's poncho as a dress. A man that's sitting at the bar kept his eyes on Tony's butt and then turned to Steve and gave him a thumbs up. Steve returned the gesture and returned to his food.
During that time, Thor and Loki had entered the restaurant and sat at the table behind Steve. Loki is irritated, they still haven't found Tony.
"We've been walking around in circles who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel" Loki groaned and shuddered "I should have done away with Tony myself when I had the chance" Steve who overheard the conversation, choked on his food.
"Ugh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that" Thor told Loki. The dark-haired man held a fork in his hand and bent it in anger. Why does he still have Thor around? And why did he think it was ever a good idea to follow directions from a squirrel?
"I'll get you another one there, Loki" Thor said before turning in his seat and tapping Steve on the shoulder. The man gasped and nervously turned around "are you, uh, using that fork there pal?" Steve held the fork up for Thor to take but the man saw his face and saw familiarity in it "hey, don't I know you?"
"I don't think so" Steve rubbed his ear nervously and tried to cover his face.
"Wrestle you in high school?" Thor smiled.
"I don't know"
"Middle school? I got it Ms. Narca's interpretive dance. Two semesters. I was usually in the back because of my weak ankles. Come on pal, you gotta help me out here"
"Um, I- I don't think we've ever met. I, uh, I gotta go" Steve quickly stood up and walked to the kitchen.
"Don't worry, I'll think of it!" Thor told the man.
Inside the kitchen Tony is talking to the chef with a really bad sunburn. It's so bad that his skin is bright red. How he's managing to move without crying in pain, who knows? But at least he's doing what he likes. That is until Tony walked in and started to annoy him about the food and a million other little things.
"Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. And I'm not the only one who thinks that I'm sure. So I'm just checking to make sure you're gonna take the main course up a notch" Tony told the chef. Steve had peeked through the door and hissed for Tony's attention but the man was too busy annoying the chef. He kept looking over his shoulder to make sure no one is coming. He ran inside and tried to pull Tony away.
"Look, I'll just ask a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible..." Tony asked as Steve pulled him away. The chef groaned in anger and annoyance as he stirred something in the pot "...on this menu"
Steve looked out the circle window and saw Thor walking up to the kitchen. He gasped and pushed Tony across the kitchen and into the pantry. "Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!" Tony protested.
"Hey, pal. What's your policy on making special orders?" Thor asked the chef after Loki had complained about the food swimming in gravy.
"Alright, buster. That's it. You want a special order, then you make it. I quit!" He took his chef hat off and placed it on Thor's head. He pulled a suitcase from under the table, opened it and poured the contents of the pot inside the bag "you know, I try and I try. There's just no respect for anyone with vision. And my name is Vision. How is that?" He placed a hat over his head "there's just nothing I can do about it" Vision walked out and Thor tried to talk to the man. The whole time he was rambling, Thor tried to talk to him but he didn't get a single word out.
The bell at the window was rung and Wanda yelled out an order "ordering! 3 pork combos, extra bacon on the side, 2 chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that honey?" She asked Thor.
"3 oinkers wearing pants, a plate of hot air, a basket of grandma's breakfast and change a bull to a gill, got it" Thor nodded.
He walked over to the table where he got bowls out, put on an apron and an oven mitt. Now cooking is something he can easily do. While Thor had his back and cooked something over the fire, Tony walked out of the pantry and spoke as he walked by "okay, I'll make this simple for you. I'll have a spinach omelet with wheat toast. Got it?"
"Can do" Thor answered.
Tony walked out one door while Loki walked in through the other "what's taking so long?" He asked Thor.
"Pickup!" Thor tapped the bell and set the plate of hot food at the window.
"Thor, what are you doing?"
"Kinda busy here"
"Why am I not surprised?" Loki asked. Thor poured hot soup in a large green bowl.
"Orders up!" He yelled and a waiter with white hair came over and quickly took it to the table.
Loki groaned and made a motion like he was going to choke Thor. "Oh well, while you're at it make me the special and hold the gravy!" He walked out the second door while Tony walked back in through the other door.
"You know what? On second thought make my omelet a meat pie" Tony told Thor.
"Meat pie. Check" Thor confirmed.
Tony walked out and Loki walked back in "Thor, can I order the potatoes as a side dish?" He asked the new chef.
"I'll have to charge you full price" Thor commented as he began to chop up some carrots. Loki groaned and walked out just for Tony to walk back in.
"Hey, how about a side of potatoes my buddy?"
"You got it?" Thor has his back to the doors so he's not seeing who walks in or out "you want cheese on those potatoes?" Thor asked but Tony had already walked out and Loki poked his head in.
"Thank you, Thor. Cheddar would be fine" he walked out.
"Cheddar spuds coming right up"
"Spuds yes, cheese no" Tony walked back in and right out.
"Hold the cheese" Thor confirmed.
"No I want the cheese!" Loki said as he walked in and out.
"Cheese it is" Thor nodded.
"Cheese me no likey" Tony said.
"Cheese out!" Thor repeated.
"Cheese in!" Loki entered.
"Oh come on make up your mind" Thor frowned and took off his oven mitt.
"Okay, on second thought-" Tony stuck his head through one door while Loki stood by the other door "make my potatoes a salad" they said at the same time.
Loki heard what just happened and stuck a finger in his ear to clean it. Did he just hear someone else ordering the same thing he did or is it something to do with the echo in the kitchen? Shrugging, the man went back to his table, not noticing the person sitting across from him on the other table reading the menu. As soon as Loki picked up the menu, Tony put his down for a second before picking it back up and Loki put his menu down. Tony then put his menu down and looked at the kitchen doors, just like Loki is doing, neither of them noticing the other.
Steve was stuck inside, during the whole Tony and Loki ordering food confusion, he tried to sneak out, only for him to hide and not let himself be seen. He had to get Tony out of there before either Loki or Thor see him. He overheard what Loki was saying when they entered the diner. They're trying to kill Tony and he has to get him out and away. He needs to tell him there's an attempt on his life.
Steve poked his head out only to see Tony and Loki drinking water and then looking at the menus. He stepped out and spoke to Wanda as she passed with an order for a table. "Excuse me, see that man over there. Can you send him a birthday cake?"
"No problem, hon. We do that all the time" she waved a hand and walked away.
Loki noticed the person on the other table and looked around his menu and at the woman. Before he could inspect any further, he heard people chant behind him
"One, two, three, four! Happy, happy birthday from all of us to you–" Loki screamed, dropped the menu and stared at the people with the cake. "We wish it was our birthday so we can party too" they managed to put a sombrero on him and he scowled and glared at no one in particular as the cake with candles sat in front of him and confetti fell around him "Happy, happy birthday from all of us to you. We wish it was our birthday so we can party too!"
Thor walked out of the kitchen when he heard the singing, he's stirring something in a pot and smiled at Loki "ha ha ha. It's your birthday?" He asked in happiness. He needs to get Loki a present.
Steve managed to get Tony out of the diner and outside to a safe place. He dropped him and held him by the shoulders so he can understand what he's going to tell him "look, there are two people inside looking for you"
"What?" Tony asked.
"A big guy and a skinny slimy man" Steve explained.
"Wait, was this man scary beyond all reason? Looked like a weasel dipped in grease?" Tony questioned.
"Oh yeah"
"That's Loki and Thor!" Tony wiped the pink lipstick off his mouth and the fake long eyelashes from his eyes "I'm saved!"
Steve grabbed Tony by the poncho and made him look at him "they're not here to save you"
"They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here" Tony took Steve's hands off him and began to walk away.
"No, no. You don't understand. They're trying to kill you" Steve jumped in front of Tony.
"Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me!" Tony smiled.
"No, I can't let you" he held Tony back and he stared at Steve. Why won't he let him go?
"Oh! Oh I get it! You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever!" Tony accused.
"No!" Steve protested.
"This is all an act and I almost fell for it" Tony chuckled.
"Will you just listen to me?" Steve grumbled.
"No, no. You listen to me. All you care about is your-your stupid hilltop. You don't care about me just get out of here! Go!" Tony shooed Steve.
"But- but-"
"Go on! Get out of here!"
"Fine!" Steve barked and Tony walked away in search of Thor and Loki.
The two were walking out of the restaurant, Loki still wearing the sombrero and Thor wearing a party hat. A slice of cake in one hand and food in tin foil in the shape of a llama.
"Ugh, this is all your fault" Loki hissed to Thor.
"What did I do?" Thor innocent asked.
"If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Tony would be dead now. There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and kill him!"
"I said I was sorry. Why can't you just let it go? Not even on your birthday" the man mumbled and ran after Loki. He threw the sombrero to the floor and got in his mobile tent.
"Tony must be eliminated. The empire will finally be rid of that useless slug" Loki muttered. Thor put the cake and llama inside the tent, picked it up and carried it on his back.
"Well you got a point, no one really seems to care that he's gone, do they?" Thor commented as he ran away.
Tony stood in horror as he heard everything. Why would Loki and Thor want to kill him? Why? After everything he's done for them? Well sure there is that small thing about firing Loki, but why would he want to kill him? Because he fired him? He's been with Loki for a long time, a very long time, and for someone he's known all that time, and wants to kill him, makes him incredibly sad.
Steve was right.
Steve.
Tony ran back and called for Steve but he was gone. Scared, Tony walked around the area calling out his name but he didn't answer. Steve is gone. The only person he's come to think of as a friend. He sent him away. No, he went away. It's no use to argue. Tony's all alone and he has nowhere to go.
He walked and walked as he thought about everything he said and did, everything he heard Loki and Thor talking about. Night fell and Tony stood at a cliff where he can see the palace and the houses. He sighed. Now he'll never get home. He took of the small brown hat and the poncho and left them there as he walked away. Thunder was heard and the rain was not far behind.
Wet, tired and sad, Tony found a spot where he can wallow in self-pity. Rain fell and thunder was heard, flashes of light every now and then.
"So, this is where you came in. See just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I have"
"Hey give it a rest up there, will you?" Tony yelled at himself.
"What? I'm just telling them what happened" he defended himself from himself.
"Who are you kidding pal? They read the whole thing, they know what happened" wet Tony explained.
"Well...yeah...but-"
"Just leave me alone"
───── ⋅♛⋅ ─────
In a nice and dry part of the jungle, Thor and Loki are sound asleep. Loki is sleeping in a large black and green tent while Thor is sleeping under a much, much smaller tent. The tent that only really covers his knees. That's about it. The large man is in his striped pajamas and is holding a teddy bear. Thor's whole body is exposed to the wilderness, nothing protecting him from mosquitos or dangerous animals.
Thor snored loudly as he slept and then suddenly gasped awake "the peasant at the diner! He didn't pay his check" he fell right back to sleep, his teddy bear close to his chest. A couple of seconds later he woke with a gasp "he's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Tony on the back of his cart" he gasped for air "must've taken him back to his village so if we find the village we find him and if we find him we find Tony. Oh yeah, it's all coming together' Thor grinned.
He got up and ran to Loki's tent. He pulled the flaps back and yelled "Loki!"
"What?" Loki shot up. He has a green facemask smeared around his- well, face, a two round pieces of cucumber. Thor groaned and yelled in disgust when he saw Loki like that. He never would've guessed the man has a night routine. "This had better be good!"