Marty and Note gazed long and hard into each other's eyes, simultaneously thinking about Mary Sue as they obsessed over their opponents' next move, their every thought, their every desire, their every wish.
"I'm not sure I'm completely ok with this character dynamic," Note the Flighty grumbled, continuing to gaze longing into Marty's eyes because the outline I didn't write said he has to.
It's a Love Dodecahedron. There has to be some DRAMA!!!
"No," Note growled. "No there doesn't."
Well, I don't care what you think, the plot's been stalled out for the last 20 pages, and I'm pretty sure the reader is about to fall asleep, so I gotta add some excitement.
Note, you're a wizard, right? I think you're a wizard. Note, have a prophecy come to you suddenly and without warning.
"And what does the prophecy say?" Note the Flighty asked.
Umm, It's supposed to say something. I wrote it down somewhere. It's in one of my notebooks. I think it was notebook 3456.
Darn, that's not it. Maybe it was 34?
No? It's gotta be one of these....
THERE! Notebook 2345678934567345678345678345678456784567834567834567!
Ok, here goes nothing.
Note dropped to the floor like two balls tied together by a string that was thrown out the window of a collapsing empire state building as a typhoon ripped through Alabama and 5 sheep flew through the air like blades of grass.
His voice cracked and contorted beyond what should have been possible, and about three vocal cords just snapped in half right there
"The boy called Marty
Home burned and defiled
Quest for his mother
Will make him all riled" Note spoke before looking me dead in the eyes. "Please end this dumb thing right here, or I swear to god, I will leave the story."
Nah.
Note hissed but continued to writhe as more of the dumb prophecy came from his mouth.
"The Mundane Villain
Shall not win
He will be defeated
By the hero without sin" Note grumbled again, but he was going to be forced to continue regardless.
"Though only once he welds
The Sword of Ultimate Truth
Only then can he defeat
The Mundane Villain ruth-
Lessly" Note rolled his eyes and shouted. "OH COME ON!! THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME!! YOU HAD TO AWKWARDLY ADD A LINE IN THERE!!"
You try to write a prophecy you ungrateful, chattering lack of common sense! Rhyming and making sense at the same time is super difficult if you haven't noticed.
"Whatever...
But the magic blade
Can only be used
Once the vague parameters of a spell
Have been performed and abused" Note instantly clenched his fist. "DAMN IT, AUTHOR!! YOU COULDN'T EVEN MAKE AN INTERESTING MAGIC SYSTEM?!?! NOPE! Everything just has to be easy and convenient for you, now doesn't it.
Well, you're not easy, or convenient, yet I keep you around. Just get on with the prophecy. Also, you're supposed to be like writhing and talking weird like a demon had to possess you so you could speak the prophecy. It actually might go faster if you didn't complain between each verse.
"Whatever," Grumbled Note, more sarcasm lacing his voice than me apologizing to people I hate. (Cough cough, everyone, cough cough)
"The Spell has four ingredients,
So listen well
Or consequences might emerge
Of which we can't tell
The Heart of the Grand
Devourer of THOTS!
Bring him an offering
To forward the plot
The Shades of Coolthulhu
Awesome God of the Obscene
Please get it quickly
So we can get on with the scene
The Pearl of Clamity
Yes- That's a pun
Once this verse is over though
It will almost be done
And finally, the most important
The Ingredient sent from above
Just a small-" Note growled. "I'm not saying that."
Yes, you are. Just say it already.
"FINE!" Note shouted. "I'm not going to enjoy it but if it will end this miserable scene.
"Just a small, teensy weensy
Little bit of Love."
You didn't say it right.
"I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT THAT WAY!!!" Note shouted.
Just do it.
"Fine,
Just a small, teensy weensy
Wittle Bit of Wove." Note the Flighty said like a baby seal if baby seals could talk. "You happy now?"
Sure.
After several seconds of silence, Marty was 27% certain that Note was done with his absurdly long Prophecy. To be honest, though, Marty was as annoyed of it as the rest of us, and honestly just wanted the scene to go somewhere- anywhere actually, as long as it wasn't back.
"But what does it Mean?" Marty asked.
"I dunno," Note hissed. "It makes about as much sense as this entire story."
Fair, but I really thought It couldn't have been more clear.
"Yeah, well, it #$%^&* isn't," Mary Sue hissed. "I thought you were @#$% smart you @#$@#$ $%^ $%^& $%^."
Alrighty then. Jeez. I'll explain it.
It's basically the outline of the story.
"Oh, that's the WORST way to create a Prophecy," Note grumbled. "Then again, I'd expect nothing less from you..."
Welp, I actually make good stories. I swear I do. Just not this one.
(I swear my other stories are way better, please just love me..............)
Basically though, y'all gotta get the Heart of the Devourer of THOTS, the Shades of Coolthulhu, and the Pearl of Clamity, then combine them all so you can get the Sword of Ultimate Truth.
"Why, exactly?" Marty asked. "Why can't we just kill the Mundane Villain in a normal way?"
Like what?
"Magic?"
His armor is actually made from pure plot armor, so magic is a no go.
"Sniper?"
I mean, do you see bullets.
"Poison?"
He pulled a Mithridates on us. He is immune to poison.
"Can't you just use one of the Ingredients to kill him?"
The Heart of the Devourer of Thots is just a heart encased in metal spikes, what do you want it to do. The Shades of Coolthulhu are just cool, and the Pearl of Clamity is just kinda there. I guess it's a bomb or something.
"How about this Coolthulhu character? He sounds pretty powerful."
I'm too lazy to create even a crappy version of an interstellar, ancient, eldritch god at the moment. Maybe later.
"How about the Sword of Evil Smiting. Surely that will work."
NOPE! That will be in the sequel.
"Oh my $%^&* God, not a #$%^ sequel," Mary Sue hissed. "Just when you #$%^& thought this $%^&* $%^& story was over this @#$%^ decides he wants to write a #$%^7 sequel. Well, he's just a #$%^&$%^& #$%^&8 #$%^7 #$%^7 ^789 (*&65 *&^% *&^."
What might just work is Mary Sue's swearing. Honestly, she's got the salt to kill a whale and a dirty enough mouth for a worm to be jealous.
(I've really got to scrub that flaw sooner or later)
"Why can't you just kill him?"
I mean...
WAIT A MINUTE!!
I COULD END THIS WHOLE STORY RIGHT NOW!!!
I CAN ACTUALLY GO WRITE A GOOD STORY NOW!!!
All I have to do is write the words "Then the Mundane Villain fell over backward from 34 consecutive heart attacks" and I could end it right here.
Let's go do that
And then I didn't.