-Sometimes silence can be the sharpest sword-
The winds were shifting. The air smelled of fresh mint mixed with warm loneliness. Engulfing my soul while standing near a metal railing, I peered out at the beautiful sea roaring with blue gracefulness and breathed in its freedom. I needed that. I needed to get freed from the clutches of the belittling world of Elitists.
My sanity depended on warmth and acceptance.
Having my silver earrings swing with the wind and dazzle under the bright sun, I winced as one waitress pulled me away from the flowing image of freedom and began escorting me towards a white table placed in the middle of my husband's 'billion-dollar' yacht. It was time to let go of the welcoming warmth of the ocean and return to a cold and rich crowd that completely ignored my existence.
I was unwanted, ignored and completely invisible to my own in-laws.
My husband 'Demir'...he never wanted my heart. His coldness had sealed my soul in a suffocating cage that even begging for mercy seemed like an empty plea, but I had to endure it all because of my heart. Despite my marriage beginning solely to fulfil the wish of an old lady who wanted to help carry my financial burdens most feasibly, it had turned into something more for me. I was a melted fool.
My heart...my soul...they were so easily attached to something that was so intangible, so out of reach. My husband hated me, but I couldn't help but care for him. Our world...it was like a peasant trying to be accepted by a prince; so dream-like...so foolish and so crushing.
People don't go for copper when they have always kept themselves surrounded by gold.
Quietly taking my place next to my mother-in-law 'Samiya Begum', I kept my head down as she busily continued conversing with my sister-in-law 'Sonia' who was around my age and studying to become a doctor. Despite being a part of this family, I was never welcomed or bothered about.
Immediately after marriage, I was given a tiny room in the main servants' building, far behind the main mansion. No one really visited my place because all the helpers of the Khan family had been given separate quarters, and the servants' building was just left standing in memory of Demir's ancestors who constructed it. Often, I felt like the Khans completely wanted to hide my existence...rebuke all notions of being associated with me, but being people of high class, they had to meet the society's expectations; parties attended without the wife of their main heir would bring them disgrace.
Constricted by responsibilities and status, the Khans had no choice but to tolerate my presence, yet that didn't stop them from taking out their frustration on me. Snidely, I would often be asked to weed their huge gardens and clean the horse stables, my presence wasn't allowed inside the main mansion, and my husband...he hardly stayed in the country to even eye my silent tears.
I was hurting. I had been hurting for a very long time, but this heartbreaking ignorance, loneliness, and misery...it was shattering and soul-crushing. Often, I would spend the nights crying in my shabby room, allowing the blankets to drink up my tears, and listen to the shattering sound of my heartbreak.
There weren't many warm wisps that soothed away my flowing tears.
Knowing that I owed Madam Geena, my sweetest mentor, a lot to even complain about fulfilling the promise she had made me keep, I had decided to keep my shattering heartache to myself and just face the suffocating crowd with a pretentious smile. There weren't many hearts that cared for me, so I couldn't afford to disappoint them.
Also, my family lived overseas. I had shifted to Hill City to earn a life of luxury for them because they deserved me to make an effort...they deserved my love, hard work and care, so the person who had helped me financially support my family, get hired at a place that won't even give amateurs get a chance, I couldn't let her down. Even if her promise kept on crushing my self-esteem and heart, I could never hurt her.
Always trying to breathe in my emotions and gulp down my tears, stopping my pain from overflowing out of my soul, I had allowed myself to lose strength and let my soul flow with the sharp pull of circumstances. There was no loud fight from my side...no complaints...no begging...just a simple retreat to the lonely corners of my heart.
My husband and his family were trampling across my soul, making me feel so low and tiny, and I had chosen to silently ache and hide behind nods.
Sniffing as my confidence hung low and pitiful, I now fidgeted with the white tablecloth, as Sonia and Samiya Begum continued discussing the current shifting of gold prices in the market and how they were going to get the Lohar Jewellers to design a customized set for Sonia's big graduation day.
Personally, I couldn't relate at all.
Gold...silver...diamonds...I never dealt with them, never had my heart naive enough to dream about them. And even after becoming the wife of an extremely rich billionaire, I had an extremely low budget so couldn't even imagine eyeing golden sets. Demir...I never asked him for money...never wanted myself to become a burden on his soul or make him think that I was a gold-digger because then, my tender heart's warmth would be mistaken as greed...as a peasant's sly way of aiming to gain the glorious richness.
I didn't want that.
Many wouldn't understand, but the moment I met Demir, there was something that strengthened my resolve to keep Madam Geena's promise. My heart...it grew warm, tender until it completely melted into a low dark pool and made me linger onto the addicting chance of trying to make him care...for me. Albeit, after our marriage, he hardly stayed in the state, didn't bother about how I was being treated and was never there to defend my heart, yet I kept on sinking into a cold pit for him until his cold ignorance turned into crushing destruction for me. My self-esteem was ruined simply because I couldn't stop myself from trying to gain the acceptance of someone who would never bother with my status or heart.
I was a lonely fool.
Feeling the wind now tangle with the depressing strings of my heart, I breathed as a few waiters began placing delicious dishes on our table. There were fresh garlic and parsley loaves of bread served, fish bites, small sandwiches, steaks and special salads, yet the only thing I was allowed to munch on was a leaf-roll filled with lettuce, onions, and tomatoes. Samiya Begum was strict about my diet. She didn't even allow me to order or choose the dishes because I had once attended a party with Sonia and Demir where I failed to pronounce the name of a fancy Italian dish in front of all the guests. It was humiliating, and Demir had made sure Samiya Begum gave me the verbal thrashing I deserved for embarrassing their family.
However, not wanting the painful memories to keep clouding my heart, I picked up my roll and placed it on my plate. I wasn't sure about what utensils were needed for chewing away on my little snack so had to wait until Samiya Begum started with her meal. The rich class was extremely judgemental about table ethics. They weren't spared if rough-eaters joined their gatherings.
Times, like these, really made me miss home. I had always been a messy eater. I liked munching, chewing and just savouring each bite of my meals without feeling awkward or under sheer scrutiny. Pizza slices were just meant to be taken out of the box, grabbed by our hands, and chewed upon. I couldn't imagine eating without caressing my food between my fingers and letting its rawness float through my senses. That was food for me. Yet here, the simple joys of life were hardly cherished; there were dozens of dishes made but no one to truly cherish them.
Soon being served a thin glass of pineapple juice, I began swallowing the dry bites of vegetables while keeping my gaze strictly lowered towards the plate. I felt so tiny and minute in this company. The gossip, the extravagant discussion about the next trips, and ideas for throwing royalties glamorous parties had my heart hurting over how foreign this world was for me. I had no place here, yet I was staying.
Twirling the tomatoes around my dish, my heart suddenly tightened as I felt someone come and sit next to Sonia who was sitting right across the table from me. Quickly looking up, my soul raced at the sight of Demir sitting next to her. He had joined us for lunch. He never bothered having lunch when I was around, but, today, he had finally decided to tolerate my presence. I could but beam with joy. His presence always made my whole world beam, made me feel like my suffering had been cocooned with sheer hope and warmth.
He was my toxic obsession; an ointment that always wound me.
Not even minding munching on large bits of my vegetable roll now, I began happily feasting on my dietary treat, feeling the wind suddenly swing in a different direction. It had cocooned me, but my heart was now busy breathing in emotions that always havoced a storm inside it and made it hope and dream. This was a naive dream...but an addicting dream, neither less.
Sipping on my pineapple juice, I quietly listened and eyed from beneath my eyelashes as Samiya Begum and Sonia began trying to include Demir in their discussions. They started asking him about his business trips, his plans for opening his next franchise, yet he simply gave one-word answers and began feasting a thick slab of the steaming-hot steak; his expression extremely cold while he kept his gaze firm on his food.
Watching as he gracefully sliced his steak and used his fork to munch on its pieces, I couldn't help but frown over how different his mannerisms were from me. It seemed like his class...his ways...they would never match mine. I was chasing after a roaring storm that would never spare my heart...would twirl away until it had me completely lost in a destructive abyss, but I just had to chase it. I just had to break...for him.
Soon, with the wind shifting and making me breathe in its cold sensation again, I lowered my gaze back towards my dish and began chewing on fresh pieces of lettuce. My heart...it was hurting again. Demir was...he could make me feel so elated yet so insecure.
"So, Demir, Aliya will be attending the party tonight..." Sonia now teased, making me feel like sinking into my seat. Aliya...she was Sonia's best friend who was also studying to become a doctor. She was classy, rich, sophisticated and would definitely suit Demir.
Often, Samiya Begum and Sonia would invite her to stay at the mansion. They treated her like one of their dearest family members and subtly always reminded me that my place in the Khan family was solely meant for Aliya.
I had simply been a forced choice.
Quickly glancing in Demir's direction, a silent whimper echoed in my heart as I noticed a small smirk grace his face. He didn't mind being teased with that name. He didn't mind that his own wife was sitting near him while his family tried to set him up with someone else. I-I...I had never felt so alone.
"Her parents are invited, too." Samiya Begum added. "Such fine people. They have even allowed Aliya to work at their hospital. I am impressed by how far that girl is going. Unlike today's generation, she is really doing such fine work." She praised, causing my shattered heart to further darken with the sheer feeling of envy and hurt. I couldn't take it anymore.
I had to get away.
Quietly pushing back my seat, I got up and politely excused myself
"I-I am going to freshen up for the party if that's okay..." I stuttered, receiving no nods or replies. But that didn't matter as my heart just wanted to escape at that moment.
Retreating to my room, I let my blankets once again drink in my tears and the shattered cries of heartbreak to get absorbed by the sound-proof walls. The ocean waves were swaying beneath my floor, and I felt like floating away with them. Demir...he could be so brutal, sometimes. He never spared my heart a moment of being cocooned in delusional hope...never showed mercy and was never gentle about his honest hatred for me, but I always let him be my world. His words and moods...they meant so much to me.
I-I just didn't know what my heart was doing by clinging onto such a level of toxicity.
Staying in my room as the sky slowly turned grey...I had no choice but to finally leave my room. Our yacht had landed on Green-Villa Islands, and the guests of the parties were going to pour in.
It was time for Aliya to finally show up.