Ian Northridge
I wasn't mad. I couldn't even get mad, I felt busted. I felt exposed and naked. When I saw her kneeling there with that journal in her hand, I felt like she had seen all of me, and like a coward, I bolted.
My trip to the grave wasn't beautiful, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't like I expected. It only showed to me that I had lost my heart to a woman. A woman who had chosen another man over me.
I got into the car and just pressed on the pedal, I drove as fast as I could, with the windows down, I let the breeze blow. I let myself forget the madness, I stopped in the middle of nowhere and got out.
I stood overlooking the beautiful scenery, the way the mountains spread and how the grasses covered them like a blanket, it was amazing, the view was mersmerizing but I couldn't enjoy it. I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy it, I was too disoriented. I felt lost, I had no idea what to do, do I beg Snow to take me back?, do I promise I'll be a better man?, do I swear my whole life to her and love her like a real man would or do I let her go?, do I allow her be with a man who isn't as broken, who isn't as lost, who isn't as insecure?. The best option was clear, it was staring at me in the face but I didn't want to accept it. I never knew the day would come where I'd be too much of a chicken to let Snow Carr go.
I allowed myself about half an hour to muse on my failed and broken love life then I got back into the car. I wanted to check the time when I saw 15 missed calls on my phone. 4 of them were from home, 3 were from Royalty, the remaining 10 were from my mum.
On impulse, I dialed Snow's number first and she didn't pick up. A feeling of unease started to wash over me, I called again yet no reply. I dialed Royalty and she picked up on the first ring.
"Where have you been?! " she yelled, her voice sounded tear soaked and my heart started to race.
"I went to get some air, my phone was on silent. What's going on Royalty?" I asked and she started to cry again.
"Damn it sis. Talk to me, what's wrong with Snow?. It's Snow isn't it?" I asked with shaky heart. Lord what is this?, I promised to let her go already, you don't have to take her away now.
"Come to the hospital Ian. We're at Ethan's. I don't know what happened between y'all and I don't even know if I'm supposed to say this in case I might scare you right now but... She's in bad shape Ian and I am scared." She said and I felt life leave me. I felt myself go limp and it's safe say, I died inside.
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Snow Carr Northridge
My head was killing me and so was every limb attached to my body. I opened my eyes slowly and squinted cause of the very bright light. Hospital!
The memories came flooding back, the journal, Ian walking away and.... Oh my God, my baby. My hand moved instinctively to my belly and..... I screamed bloody murder!
"Noooooooooooo!" I yelled. No, no, no, this can't be happening. The door opened and lots of people rushed in, the Royal family and lots of doctors. Ian was with them and rage filled me.
"What's going on?. Why does my belly feel flat?, why does it feel empty?, where's my baby?. Where's she?, talk to me!. Someone say something for the love of God, what happened to my child?!" I yelled and Royalty burst into tears and her hands instinctively rose to her pregnant belly and tears stung my eyes.
"I'm so sorry Snow but you lost the baby" Dr Ethan said and my mouth dried up. I knew it alright, but hearing a doctor validate my fears sucked the life out of me.
"Why?. What did I do wrong?. I did everything right, I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, I didn't overwork myself, I slept well, I ate right, I exercised. I did everything a mother who wants her baby to live does, what did I do wrong?, where did I go wrong? " I asked , tears clogging my throat and the Queen sobbed out loud and ran out.
"Your blood pressure rose too high. Your blood pressure had been on the high side for a while but we missed it, you didn't probably get any symptoms so by the time it became full blown, there was little to nothing we could do to save the baby. I'm so sorry Snow" Dr Ethan explained and I nodded.
"Okay. Can I be alone please?" I said in a low voice, I felt numb and tired out. Slowly, everyone nodded and filed out. Ian wanted to stay back, I could see it in the way he hesitated in his movement. He looked tired and stressed yet still so damn beautiful, it hurt to look at him but I hate him. Oh, how I hate him. I hate him for making me worry so much, I hate him for walking out on me, I hate him so much for not picking up my calls and I hate him so much more for making me love him so helplessly.
Once I was alone, I curled into a ball and wept. I sobbed my eyes out and held on to my flat belly wishing my baby would reappear. I wanted to see what she would look like, I wanted to see if she would look like Ian or her biological mother. It hurt so much losing her even though she wasn't any part of me, it hurt so much to know I couldn't even take care of her, I couldn't hold myself high, I was so pathetic, I held on to a man and cried over him so much that I lost a child. How cheap and sad. I hated myself even more than I hated Ian.
I rang for the nurse and minutes later, a woman who looked like she was in her mid thirties with the brownest eyes so far walked in, a sympathetic smile on her face.
"What do you need your highness?" she said and I almost snorted. Your highness?, your highness?. I'd be damned.
"My baby...where's she?. She's already formed right, my last ultrasound, the doctor said she had already formed and all I had to wait for was the development so I believe she's just not a mass of blood, right?" I asked and she nodded.
"yes your highness, your baby is formed and she's in the morgue." She said and I felt a stabbing pain in my chest.
"Can I see her?" I asked and she hesitated. She looked at me for a while before nodding and excusing herself. My chest felt heavy, my heart was weak and I was at breaking point. In a matter of minutes, I'd be seeing the corpse of my baby, I would never hear her cry, she would never suckle, I would never burp her, hear her first laughter or see her smile, I'd never see any of those things.
The door opened and the nurse walked in, a bundle in her arm and Ian trailing after her. Why's he here?
"Here she is" She said and placed the bundle in my arm. It would be a lie to say she was beautiful cause she wasn't even fully formed, she looked weird really but to me, she was the most beautiful in the world, I couldn't hold her fingers cause they hadn't developed well so I held her hand. She was white, as white as sheet. My breasts felt heavier and I burst into tears. I pulled her close to my bosom and rocked her as tears fell from my eyes. I cried my heart out with my baby laying on my chest and her father standing by the door. For a minute, I felt bad, I felt remorseful, I felt pain for Ian. He really wanted this baby, he really really really wanted this child and he even had to marry someone he could never love just to have this baby and now he's lost her.
"You wanna hold her?" I managed to croak out and he ran his hand through his hair. He was about to say no but then, he hesitated and moved closer.
I placed her in his hands and my breasts became heavy again. If things had been different, I'd be placing a live baby in his hands, a baby who had his eyes and hair probably. Our baby, Our living baby not the dead one.
"I'm sorry little one. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you needed me, I'm sorry you had to die. Forgive me?. Daddy needs your forgiveness baby girl" he said with tears in his voice and it broke me. Oh, how it wrecked my insides. I pressed my knuckles against my eyes and wept.
"Stop. Don't do this Ian. Please don't. Don't say this, don't make me feel bad for you, don't make me wanna hug you and console you, don't show me your weakness cause it's bad for me. I don't want to feel bad for you. I want to blame you, hell!. I want to hate you!" I lashed out before I could even stop myself and he raked his hand through his hair and nodded.
"yeah, yeah. You're right. I should give you some time alone" he said and placed the limp body in my arm and staring at the dead baby in my arms, all the softness I felt seconds ago went away immediately.
I would never ever be too weak for him..... Or any man, ever again in my life.
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