Lauren
It feels like both the longest and the shortest drive of her life.
She knows she probably shouldn't have driven here; a flight would've been safer, but she couldn't stand the idea of getting photographed at the airport when she's in this kind of state. Her tears blur her vision, and her car seems like it's going five miles per hour, no matter how fast she pushes it, how far she drives. She doesn't feel any further away from Camila.
She doesn't know how she gets to Lucy's in one piece. One minute, she's throwing a bag into her car and driving away from her apartment, and the next, she's pulling up in a parking space in Lucy's building's parking garage, sprinting to the elevators and hammering on the door of the older girl's apartment.
When she opens it, Lucy pulls her into a hug, and she's surprised when a third person joins them. Not caring, crying into Lucy's shoulder, she tries to ignore how sick she feels, but she's honestly scared she's going to throw up.
"Not sure why we're hugging like this, but hey," she finally identifies Vero's voice, and when she pulls out of the hug, she basically throws herself onto the other girl. "Whoa, okay, are you alright?"
She shakes her head, and she feels Lucy rub comforting circles into her back before she pries her bag away from her and takes it somewhere; Lauren doesn't care where, all she can think about is how hurt and just plain angry she feels.
She lets go of Vero, but she sends her a comforting smile. "Hey, talk to me. What's up?"
"I- I just- I don't..." Lauren struggles to get the words out, and she can already feel her throat closing over and the anxiety building in her chest. "Something- something bad..."
"Come on, we'll go sit down," Vero takes her hand and leads her over to the couch, and everything already feels so fuzzy, like she's being held underwater and she can't breathe. She curls up in a ball on the end of the couch, trying to focus on just breathing, not how Camila had lied, how Camila will tell everyone that she's ungrateful, that she hates her fans, when she doesn't, she just hates the ones who hurt her, the ones who made her like this.
She's choking on her own breath before she knows it, crying into her hands, and she doesn't know if it's Lucy or Vero or both of them holding her, she just knows that she appreciates it, that it helps, that it wraps her up in a safe little bubble and helps her breathe.
She doesn't know how long it takes for her to calm down, and she's not absorbing whatever Lucy and Vero are saying, just focuses on how numb she feels as Lucy rubs her arm comfortingly.
"What happened?" Lucy asks. "You know you shouldn't have driven here like this, you could've gotten yourself killed-"
"Babe, leave that for when she's calmed down," Vero cuts her off, "did something happen up at college?"
Lauren feels sick at the thought, and she somehow manages to form a word, "Camila..."
Vero looks totally baffled by the name, because she has no idea who Camila is. Lucy whispers something to her, and Vero lets out an ah in understanding, before she turns to Lauren and takes her hand. "What happened with Camila, Lo?"
"She- she lied," Lauren forces out, trying to push past the anger and betrayal that's almost pushing her over the edge into panic again. "She knew the whole time, about the show. She fucking lied."
Lucy is one of her best friends, and one of the specific reasons for that is because she never coddles her. Even if Lauren is upset, she tells her how it is, and of course this is no exception. It's just the one time Lauren doesn't appreciate it.
"Well, you kind of lied to her too," Lucy points out, and Lauren looks up, shooting her the angriest glare she can muster. "You didn't tell her about the show, so maybe she just took it as something you didn't want to talk about. Doesn't it show that she is different to everyone else? She knew and she still didn't treat you differently."
"There- there's a difference between not treating me differently and actively lying and pretending she didn't know who I was!" Lauren snaps, pushing Lucy away and stalking towards her old bedroom door; it hasn't been her bedroom for years, but she still thinks of it that way. "She just- she just wanted to get things out of me, and I was stupid enough to tell her that I'm bisexual, she's going to out me-"
Lucy grabs her before she can hide away in her old room, "Hey, no, even though you told her, I doubt she'd just out you like that. She's gay herself, I'm pretty sure it's only the straights that love outing. She knows what it's like. You need to call her."
"No, I don't, I don't owe her anything," Lauren argues, shaking her head, "She lied because- because she was a fan and she wanted to get close to me, just to say she was friends with me, she didn't even care that I started to- to fall for her."
Vero and Lucy exchange a look, and it's Vero who pulls her in for another hug. "Maybe she likes you back. Did you give her a chance to explain herself?"
"I already said I don't owe her anything, especially not that," Lauren snaps, pulling away, "you're supposed to be my friends and you're defending her?"
"We're trying to help by not bullshitting you," Lucy tells her, "we're trying to give you advice on how to fix your situation and feel better."
"How I'm going to fix my situation is by staying here. Fuck college, it was a stupid idea, I'll just do season four like everyone wants me to do," Lauren rants, even though that's the last thing she wants to do. "I can't see her again."
Vero looks at Lucy again, and Lauren tries not to get upset at them. It's not their fault, it's Camila's, she's the liar.
Vero makes the suggestion, "Just... let the reshoots and the commentary filming take your mind off it. Maybe once you'd had some time to think..."
"What? I'll forgive her?" Lauren snorts, because that's a joke. "I do need time to think, but not about her. She's- I'm done."
Vero looks like she's going to say something, but Lucy cuts her off, "just... go get some sleep, Lo. You'll need it; we have to be on set by five-thirty."
"Okay." Lauren runs a hand through her hair; she hadn't realised how tired she is. "Okay, yeah, I'm going to go to bed."
"Shout if you need me," Lucy promises her, and Lauren just nods wearily, finally traipsing to her old bedroom and flopping down on the bed. She feels so damn defeated, like Camila had broken up with her even though they were never together. No, Lauren was just stupid enough to let a stranger in, and it'd bitten her in the ass.
She quickly strips from the clothes she was wearing; a pair of ripped jeans and the t-shirt that ruined it all, the one she'd dropped cookie dough on. She pulls it off and throws it on the floor, glaring down at it, wishing she'd never found out, because she already misses Camila.
No you don't, Lauren tries to convince herself, she lied and manipulated you, you don't miss her. Repeating it, making it her own personal mantra, Lauren quickly changes into pyjamas and snuggles under the covers of her old bed with Nala. She makes the stupid decision of checking her phone; she has what seems like hundreds of texts from Camila, apologising and asking for a chance to explain herself, then progressing to answer your apartment door please. She wants to text back, to tell her she's gone and she's never coming back, even though she knows she has to go back eventually.
Instead, she opens the texts, ignores them, and blocks Camila's number. Then, she blocks her on Instagram, from her public and private accounts, and if that doesn't send a message, Lauren doesn't know what will. Listen to Vero, just focus on the reshoots, and then when you go back, maybe it won't hurt as much.
But no matter how much she tries to convince herself, she still feels completely and utterly betrayed.
Camila
She doesn't know why she expected her to be here.
She's waiting at their usual meeting point, outside the coffee shop they buy their drinks from before they head to class. It's Wednesday, and even with the way things ended at the weekend, she figured maybe there was the slimmest of chances that Lauren would show up after cooling down. Maybe she'd respond in person to the millions of texts Camila had sent, apologising and asking for a chance to be heard out. But she's not here.
Camila waits, like an idiot, a caramel latte and a hot chocolate in her hands, but Lauren doesn't show. She stands there for half an hour; she'd gotten there exceptionally early, and she waits until five minutes before her lecture starts. She finishes off her hot chocolate, and gives the lukewarm latte to a homeless guy as she makes her way to her lecture. Lauren will be there, surely. She wouldn't skip class just because of an argument. Camila knows she's a self-proclaimed teacher's pet.
But when she gets to class, naturally the back row is filled up, but Lauren is nowhere to be seen. She takes a seat in one of the middle rows and waits, staring at the door, hoping that she'll show up and Camila can somehow wrangle her into sitting next to her, but Lauren doesn't show. The professor starts his powerpoint up, and Camila feels like crying, wondering where the hell she could be.
Under the desk, she takes out her phone and checks Lauren's Instagram, discovering a new kind of heartbreak; Lauren had blocked her on both her private account, ssweetdispositionn, and her public account, laurenjauregui.
Feeling absolutely pathetic, but knowing she has to do it, she switches to her old fan account. Lauren doesn't know the username, so she's not blocked. She opens Lauren's public page, and checks the story update, and it's so hard to keep her surprise to herself when she's back on the Silverhollow set, posting videos with Lucy, Keana and Vero.
Is that it? Camila thinks to herself, has she just ditched college and gone back to L.A. because of what happened? Did she really mean it, that she never wanted to see me again?
She watches the story on mute, and while Lauren looks happy, Camila can see the sadness behind her eyes, and that fucking kills her. It tears her apart inside to know that she was the cause of that. Locking her phone, she tries to pay attention to what's going on in class, but she's far too focused on trying not to cry, hating herself for how badly she'd fucked up.
If you'd just told her, she would've had time to process it, Camila berates herself, she couldn't have accused you of lying if you'd just told her beforehand. But instead she found out the way she did, and that ruined everything.
She's still reeling from the things Lauren had said. It's a big deal because I have fucking feelings for you. Lauren Jauregui had admitted that she liked her, and it's all Camila's fault that she's not dating her right now. If she'd just said by the way, I like your show, everything could've been prevented.
The lecture feels agonisingly long, and she finds herself going straight home, skipping the rest of the day; the only reason she'd gone was to see if Lauren would be there, and she wasn't. Lauren had gone back to L.A.
When she gets home, her roommates are out, but she doesn't feel much like talking to anyone anyway. She traipses up to her bedroom, defeated, bundling under her covers and letting the tears fall. She misses Lauren; not Lauren Jauregui, star of Silverhollow, but Lauren her friend, Lauren her crush, misses the way she's always so cute and blushy when Camila takes her hand or flirts. You won't get that again, Camila thinks to herself, and the thought makes her cry even more. She doesn't want to see you ever again. So much that she's disappeared off to L.A.
When she starts to cry again, she thinks fuck it, and calls her mom, even though she knows she's probably at work. She hadn't told Sinu that the girl she'd made friends with recently, the girl she was crushing on was Lauren Jauregui; mostly because she knew her mom wouldn't approve of how she was keeping being a fan from her. But that secret is out of the bag now, so nothing matters anymore.
Her mom picks up on the third ring, "Hola, mija."
"Hi, mami," Camila sniffles, and when Sinu starts to ask what's wrong, she blurts it all out, "so, that girl that I told you I liked... I fucked everything up."
Instead of commenting on her language like she usually would, Sinu tries to reassure her; Camila is sure it's only because she burst into tears. "What happened, mija? I'm sure it'll be okay-"
"No, no, it won't, because- god, this will sound so pathetic," Camila cries, "remember that- that show I liked? Silverhollow? And my favourite actress off it?"
"The one in the posters on your bedroom wall?" Sinu asks, and if anything, that makes Camila feel worse. "Si?"
"Well, she was the girl I liked. This is going to sound so stupid and unbelievable, but she started taking classes here, and we shared one, and- and I was going to leave her alone, but she kept approaching me and asking to sit with me because I was the only person who wasn't freaking out over her being there," Camila rambles, knowing she's probably not making any sense, but she feels almost hysteric. "So- so I didn't tell her I was a fan, and she found out and got mad at me and now she's gone back to L.A. without letting me explain. She thinks I just wanted to get something from her, but really I just wanted to be nice, and- and when she smiled, I just wanted that to keep happening, because I'd never seen her smile like that before and- and I went and fucked it all up and hurt her."
"You should have been honest with her," Sinu tells her what she already knows, "but she should have let you explain too. Have you called her?"
"My calls won't go through and she's ignored all my texts as well as blocked me on Instagram," Camila sighs, because it's hopeless. It's been four days; if Lauren hasn't spoken to her yet, it's just not going to happen. "And she's not here, so it's not like I can go to her apartment and beg her to let me in. Not that she'd let me in anyway."
"Maybe she needs time," Sinu suggests, and Camila understands that, but the silence is driving her crazy. "When she gets back from L.A you talk to her. Okay?"
"I doubt it'll be that easy," Camila sighs, "and it's just- at first, it was like oh my god, Lauren Jauregui wants to be friends with me, but then I stopped thinking of her like that. She just started to be Lauren to me. But she still- she thinks I still see her as an actress first and a person second, which isn't true, but she won't listen to me when I try to tell her that."
Again, her mom insists she should give Lauren time, but Camila doesn't know how to feel about that. What's the point in giving Lauren time and space if nothing will come from it?
Maybe you should just give up, Camila thinks to herself, maybe it's for the best if you just leave her alone. It's obviously what she wants.
When she finishes talking to her mom, not feeling better at all about herself or the situation, she goes back onto her old fan account so she can see Lauren's posts. The private account, ssweetdispositionn is completely locked off, but she can still access the public one. The older girl had posted a selfie with Keana, Vero and Lucy, with the caption the gang's back together, and if Camila didn't know her, she would've looked at her, saw how happy she was, and liked the picture before moving on. But because she does know her, she sees the sadness and pain behind Lauren's eyes, and she knows it's because of her.
You did that. That just proves that she's better off without you in her life, Camila thinks to herself, if she'd never met you, she wouldn't be so sad right now.
But then she thinks about the other things Lauren had said to her. About how she came to college to get away from the pushy, invasive fans who crossed the line when it came to shipping her with Lucy, and who crossed boundaries in general. The thought gives her a small spark of hope; she just needs to somehow prove to Lauren that she wasn't one of those fans.
But how do you plan on doing that when she won't talk to you? Camila asks herself, the tiny spark of hope already fading into oblivion. And if you keep harassing her, she's going to think you were like that anyway.
Throwing her phone across her bed out of frustration, she desperately tries not to cry again, but it's so hard. She just has to accept that she can't do anything, at least not until Lauren comes back from L.A.
If she comes back from L.A.
Lauren
She hadn't realised how much she'd missed this, even in the two months she'd supposedly been wrapped for.
The commentary filming is an inconvenience; she has to be herself when she's doing that, commenting on the scenes and revealing funny behind the scenes stories, or referencing bloopers. She has to be her fake self, the upbeat, happy, always optimistic actress. When the cameras cut, the smile drops from her face; not that it ever reached her eyes anyway. But she doesn't get much time to think about it, because mostly it's just a quick break for makeup touch ups.
She'd been grouped with Lucy for most of the commentary, because she shares most of her scenes with the older girl. It's a relief; she doesn't think she'd be able to do it by herself. For a couple of scenes, she's paired with Keana, and that's nice too; it's always easy to laugh with her, especially when reacting to their scenes together; their characters absolutely hate each other. But there's still this gaping hole in her chest, and a cripplingly heavy dark cloud weighing on her shoulders.
That's why it's such a relief when she's doing the reshoots. She's not herself; she completely immerses herself in Vanessa, so much so that she doesn't have to think about her real problems, about Camila. It's the most therapeutic week of her life, in that respect.
She spends all of her time either on set or in Lucy's apartment; she can't stand going out on the streets, because that reminds her of why she left L.A. in the first place. And because of that, she's slowly but surely thinking that maybe she should stay here. She wouldn't have to see Camila again. She could email the dean, ask to go back to online classes, but she knows that once these reshoots are done, table reads and filming for season four won't start until late April or early May. She'll have nothing to keep her occupied, unless she tries to book a couple of auditions, which will mean she'll be constantly focused on all of the negative things that came from her career, with none of the positive.
You'd get to be around your best friends all the time, though, Lauren reminds herself, you could move back in with Lucy, or you could see if Keana wants to get a place when her lease is up.
Deep down, she knows it's not practical. She should finish her senior year of college, graduate with a degree, and then figure everything out. Doing it out of spite just because she doesn't want to face Camila again isn't right.
She heads to catering with Lucy after finally finishing one of the scenes they needed to reshoot. They only have two more to go until they're done, and Lauren is dreading it. Wrapping means she has to go back, and it means she'll have to face Camila in class.
She fills her plate up, like she's going to fill the emptiness inside her with mac and cheese, and when she sits down at a table with her friends, she feels at least a little better. Keana puts an arm around her, watching in amusement as Lauren shovels mac and cheese into her mouth. "Hungry?"
"Yep," Lauren mumbles through a mouthful, clearing her plate in minutes, but that just makes her think of Camila and how fast she eats, and it makes her want to get up for seconds. She doesn't because she knows she'll regret it later, and instead just rests her head on Keana's shoulder, enjoying the half an hour break she gets for lunch.
She catches Lucy filming them for her Instagram story, and manages a weak smile to the camera. She doesn't think anything of it, not until half an hour later, when she and Lucy are getting their makeup touched up, and the older girl casually mentions, "I got an Instagram DM from Camila."
Lauren tries her best to seem impassive and uncaring. "Oh. Good for you."
"She wanted to know if you were alright." Lucy elaborates, pulling out her phone and reading the message, "hey Lucy, I don't know what Lauren has told you, but please can you let me know if she's alright? I've been calling and texting but nothing is going through and she's blocked me on Instagram, I just want to know how she is. Please tell her that I'm sorry, and I'll talk to her when she's ready."
Lauren scoffs. "Tell her to fuck off."
"Tell her yourself, if you really want to make things worse," Lucy retorts, "you need to talk to her. Even if it's just to get some kind of closure. I know you, Lo, and I can tell you care about her. She hurt you, yeah, nobody is denying that, but you need to talk to her."
Endlessly stubborn, Lauren shakes her head, and when her makeup artist tells her she's good to go, she gets up and sends Lucy her best professional smile. "I'll see you on the set."
"You're being ridiculous!" Lucy calls after her. "You need to talk to her."
Deep down, she knows that Lucy is right, and that she won't ever be able to get over Camila if she's got all these unresolved feelings, but on the surface, all she feels is anger and betrayal towards the younger girl, as well as those stupid fluttery feelings she gets every time she thinks about her.
She thinks that's what she hates the most; the fact that no matter how hard she tries, she can't feel anything less than adoration for Camila Cabello.