Nothing's wrong, I swear. -Freddy aka Alex
PS. You can't say you met a guy at Playhouse and then give me nothing. Come on, I want details! You're usually more open about this kind of stuff. Ohhh I get it. You want to keep him all to yourself. Fine. I'll let it go for now, but sooner or later I'll get it out of you. ;)
Her BFF was going through something. Anyone with functioning brain cells could tell. That's why she suggested the notebook at the beginning of summer.
Oh, sure they could have traded texts or emails or even started a secret blog, but the notebook felt more concrete, more real than technology. Perhaps it was because you wrote what you wrote and that was it. No self-editing. It made you more honest—even with yourself.
However, the notebook wasn't working. Not the way Alexx envisioned. They shared crushes—okay, that was all her—and stories that had Alexx giggling, but nothing honest and raw and of true value.
And worse, after the Playhouse meeting, Alex had distanced herself even farther. She stopped sitting with them at lunch and didn't stick around in the morning for their usual locker hang out. It was enough to give a girl a complex which she couldn't afford because auditions were Sunday and she needed to nail her performance as Maria.
Alexx tapped her pen on the dining room table and studied the list she'd made.
How to Fix Freddy
1. Tie her up with duct tape and force her to talk
2. Pray she'll see the errors of her way and come back
3. Convince a shaman to perform voodoo on her
3a. Find out if shaman's perform voodoo
3b. Does voodoo work that way? If not, find another mystical power
i. This would be so much easier if I got my wizarding letter at eleven like I was supposed to!!
4. Lure her back by standing under her bedroom window and blasting Broadway songs
4a. Make a heart shape out of candles and stand in middle
i. Find out if it's a possible fire hazard
The front door opened, and a pack of hungry boys descended onto the kitchen like it was their homing beacon. It was a good thing she already had a sandwich or else she would've had to salvage the scraps.
She perked up when she caught sight of Owen. He wasn't anywhere as good-looking as the guy she met at Playhouse—he was a sucker punch to the heart—but Owen had his own charm.
The few times they'd talked, he'd made her laugh with his stories about growing up on a ranch. Plus, there was something about a guy with defined biceps that made her knees weak. Alexx patted her hair, making sure it hadn't gone wild in the last hour and swiped on another coat of pink lipgloss.
She went to stand, but a sweaty Arlo with a basketball tucked under his arm strolled past and mouthed, "Forget it."
Ugh. Couldn't that jerk find somewhere else to hang out? He was always lurking around like a creep. And sure, he was hot if you liked that overconfident swagger thing—which for the record, she didn't—and wanted someone who always had to be right.
Pouting, she sat back down and plotted how to get into the kitchen without seeming obvious. But before she could turn anything in action, Hugo walked in with last night's lasagna—cold, by the way, which YUCK—and a bottle of Gatorade.
"That better not be another bathroom schedule," he said after swallowing a big bite. "You're verging onto Sheldon Cooper territory."
"That's because you guys hog it."
"We have to in order to get any time. You spend hours getting ready. Why can't you do it in your room? You have a mirror in there."
"The bathroom has better lighting. And that's not what I'm working on so no need to worry."
He rolled his eyes in exasperation as only an older brother could. "So what are you listing now? All the ways to torture me? Or I know how to be annoying in three easy steps."
She smiled sweetly. "No, it's all the ways to kill and bury a body."
He grinned. "You could try, but I outweigh you by at least fifty pounds."
"Who said it had to be physical? Poison works just as well."
Setting his plate down, he put her in a headlock and gave her a noogie.
"Hey!" she yelped, twisting to escape, but his hold was too strong.
He flicked the end of her nose and breathed his nasty, lasagne breath on her. "I love you too."
She pushed him away and glared. "You've been downgraded to my least favorite brother."
He picked his plate back up. "Don't kid yourself. Everyone knows I'm the best."
It was true. Alexx loved Lance and Seth, but Hugo went out of his way to help, especially with the family. Their dad was a lawyer and often too busy with a case to do things like laundry or cooking, so they split the chores. If one of them couldn't finish, Hugo would be the first to jump in and do it. It's just the kind of person he was, which was why she didn't want him to leave for college next year.
Her chest felt heavy. What were they going to do when he was gone? She'd be in charge since Seth was too young to cook or handle anything of real importance.
Hugo took another bite and peeked over the table to her list. "So what are you doing?"
"Nothing." She quickly covered it with both arms. Her brothers were nosey as old ladies and could gossip just as much. When he gave her a long look, she insisted, "Really. It's nothing."
Hugo yelled, "Seth!"
Her little brother stumbled over with a bag of Cheetos, his fingers covered in that bright orange powder that stained everything. She watched in disgust as he wiped it on his shirt. Ugh. That would not come out in the wash.
Hugo motioned to the paper, and Seth groaned. "Not another bathroom schedule!"
Alexx stuck her tongue out. "You create a well thought out list, and suddenly you're the bathroom dictator."
"Well thought out?" Hugo exclaimed. "I had to get up at five if I wanted to pee."
"I asked you before I made it if you wanted any specific times and you blew me off so you could go on a date with that Kory chic."
Hugo let his head fall back and sighed. "That was a great date. A great kisser too."
"Oh yuck," she said, covering her ears. "Can you not reminisce about your love life while I'm in the room?"
He made kissy faces at her, and she retaliated by dipping her fingers into her glass and flicking water at him. Hugo pointed his fork at Seth. "Take the list from her."
"No!" she shouted as Seth lunged for the paper. He ripped it away and dodged from her grasping hands. He offered it up to Hugo like a dog with a ball and Hugo rewarded him with a pat on his head.
He scanned the list. "Something's wrong with Alex?" His voice deepened, something that only happened when he was dead serious.
"No. Well, I don't know." She tugged on her earlobe, a nervous habit she was trying to break. "Things have been weird."
"Weird how?" he asked, sliding it over to her. Concern was written on his face.
Alexx felt something loosen in her. Finally, someone to confide in. "She's been pulling away. She says it has to do with the girls, but I feel it's more than that." She tugged again, then stopped herself. "Or maybe I'm just making things up. Who knows."
He tapped the fork tines against his lips. "I don't think you're crazy. Overboard, yes, but not crazy."
"Gee, thanks. How did I get so lucky to have a brother like you?"
"It is a wonder," he said without the usual bite. His ears twitched like they did when he was thinking about something. A moment later, he asked, "You want me to talk to Alex? See what I can sniff out?"
Her internal radar started wailing. "Why would you do that?" Hugo was a great brother, but he didn't actively involve himself in her friends' lives. Not without a good reason. And since when had Hugo started calling Freddy, Alex? He always used their nicknames.
He shrugged casually. A bit too casually. "She's your friend."
"Exactly. She's MY friend." Lance and Hugo used to call her friends a nest of pests when they were younger.
She didn't know what tipped her off. Maybe it was the way his mouth softened or his eyes becoming hooded as if to hide a secret, but a light bulb went off. "Oh my god, do you like her?"
He glanced away. "I like all your friends, Georgie. You know that."
"I mean, like-like her. As in more than a friend." He refused to look at her, and she knew. "You do. Oh my god. Oh my god. You like Alex Canterbury."
Irritation flashed across his features. "Would you stop saying that?"
A million thoughts entered her mind. "How did this happen? When did this happen? Does she know?"
He shook his head, his face guarded. "Yeah, I'm done with this conversation."
"Wait, wait." She blocked his exit. Hugo was easy-going, but once he made up his mind about something that was it. Their dad said he got his stubbornness from their mother, which enraged Hugo, but it was the truth. She didn't know her mom—like at all—but from the stories her dad told, she was as stubborn as a mule. Temperamental like one as well.
"Move," he ordered. "I have to get back to my friends."
"I won't say anything more. I promise." She held up her hand like she was pledging her allegiance. "But if you do talk to her and she says something about why she's pulling away, will you tell me?"
He nodded slowly. "But not if it's something she shared in confidence."
"Deal," she said and moved out of his way.
Before he left the room, he stopped and turned around, a thoughtful look on his face. "Have you ever straight out asked why she's pulling away?"
Alexx shook her head. She didn't want to come off as pushy or clingy. Her mom had left her dad for that very reason.
"I think you should. Besides, you've never been one to hold back. Don't do it now."
"But how would I even go about it without sounding like a self-absorbed asshole? I can't go up to her and say, 'Hey, I know you're going through something, I don't get it, but spill your guts anyway.'"
Hugo shrugged. "Why not? Or maybe you should open up first. It's easy to demand honesty, but when you don't give it back yourself? Show you can be vulnerable too."
Alexx thought long and hard. His advice was good, but it also scared the crap out of her. She didn't do vulnerable. Vulnerable meant taking a deep dive into her soul, and she was afraid of what might crawl out. However, there was one topic she could write about in their notebook.
Freddy—
I know I've been mum on the whole mom thing (mum and mom. Get it? hehe) but I've been thinking about her a lot recently. Well, more like she's been creeping in without my consent, but whatever. I imagine that's how moms work.
I think it's because my dad's been bringing her up more. He'll casually work her into the conversation like it's normal after years of being silent on the issue. And holy crap, you should see the way Hugo and Lance's face freeze up. Sometimes I have to remind them to breathe. I feel bad for my brothers, mainly because the reason my dad is talking about her is for my sake.
At the beginning of summer, I asked my dad stories about her. Shocking, I know. I don't even know why I did it. No, that's a lie (and we promised not to lie in this remember?) I know exactly why I asked. It's because I thought if I knew more about her, I'd stop wondering, and then move on with my life. I mean it should have been simple, right?
Wrong.
The truth...and this is hard for me to write...the truth is I miss my mom. Even though she abandoned me. Even though she did crappy things to my dad. Even though she left Seth on our doorstep without a single concern for him.
I miss her.
And more than that, I hate that I miss her.
The reason I kept it from you wasn't because I thought you'd judge me harshly—you're not like that at all—but because I would judge myself.
And I do.
Can we make a promise to each other?
Let's be open in this book. Let's share more than our daily lives. Let's share our deepest fears, our insecurities, our flaws. It might get sticky and uncomfortable, but at least we know the other person is doing the same.
What do you say?
The one, the only,
Georgie aka Alexx aka Your BFF aka the future Maria of West Side Story