Note: Tears may be shed in the following chapter. xx Sorry! :(
Primrose's Pov;
"Why didn't you come to dinner last night?" Pesters Effie. I open my mouth to answer but she just continues talking. "I had sent someone to collect you but they said you were asleep on the floor! I don't know what its like back home but here in the capitol we sleep in beds! Anyway, they said that they tried to move you but you... Anyway, its just bad manners!" I look away trying not to cry. I miss home.
"I'm sorry Effie." I mumble. Effie looks at me sympathetically,
"That's okay Primrose, its just I was worried sick. I didn't want to loose a tribute! What would everyone think! I would've lost this job! Not to mention the parties!!! Oh its just terrible thinking about it!!!!" She rambles dramatically.
"Can't even imagine living like that!" Stutters Haymitch sarcastically taking another drink of his coffe poluted with alcohol.
"Well I never!" Says Effie to herself but Haymitch ignores her.
"Refill, thanks." Commands Haymitch rudely, holding up his cup to the train's attendant.
"Coffee?" The attendant questions.
"Actually I'll just stick to the alcohol." Chuckles Haymitch pouring some right into coffee cup. Effie shakes her head, muttering about manners.
"Anyway, lovely breakfast." says Peeta changing the subject, serving himself another a breakfast food the capitol citizens call pancakes. Effie nods brightly. I look at the table presenting lots of different foods. This sort of fiest is so foreign to me, back home we would be lucky to eat this in a lifetime! I thought I was dreaming when I walked into the dining car, the smell was astonishing. Even though the food is incredible and the decor is stunning I would trade it all in a second to go home to Katniss, alive.
"If you two think this food is good wait until you try the food in the captiol!" comments Effie smiling politely at us all, even Haymitch!
"Hmph." Grunts Haymitch getting up and leaving, taking a bottle of brightly coloured liquor with him. As he walks past me he winks and laughs at himself. I shudder, Haymitch nearly scares me more than the Hunger Games! Almost. Nothing is scarier than that.
"Well goodbye to you too!" Mutters Effie.
"I'll be in my room if you need me. Primrose, Peeta." She says smiling and nodding her head at us, shaking her wig out of place. I think I hear Peeta laugh as Effie leaves but I can't look at him so I get up to go as well. Even though Peeta has been really nice to me I still can't trust him and the seeing him reminds me why I'm here and that I'll never see Katniss or home, again. Just the thought of this makes me cry. But just as I'm about to leave once again Peeta stops me.
"Primrose, Katniss would be proud." He states. I turn around to face him and see if he was being serious. He was. Why does he keep bringing up Katniss? Before he says; "You miss Katniss don't you?" Why can't he stop talking about her. I miss her too much. He doesn't even know her!! Why would she be proud anyway? Proud of me crying and screaming all last night. Missing dinner. Waking up in the shower and not knowing how I got there! Sleeping on the floor as well apparently. I haven't been brave at all!
I shake my head.
"She would..." Persists Peeta softly.
"I just want to sleep. Bye." I say smiling weekly and walking towards the door again.
"Last night I heard you..." He says getting up and walking towards a pair chairs in the corner and gesturing for me to follow. I turn away ready to leave but curouisity gets the better of me.
"I..." I try to explain but I get lost for words and I don't want to tell him about my nightmare anyway!
"Were you okay last night?" He asks patting the seat next to him. I sit on the edge of the chair causitiously. Why am I doing this? He could be the one to end my life!
"Mmm." I mutter casually hoping he can't see through my lies.
"Are you sure? I think I heard you crying and... Screaming." He adds softly and warmly. I look at him in disbelief. He heard me. What else did he hear? I always call out in my sleep! Tears gather in my eyes. I feel rage bubble up inside of me the way it only usely does when I think of the capitol. Then I stop myself from screaming, 'Peeta did nothing wrong!' I think to myself. 'How dare I get angry like that at him!' I get up and run off crying, angry at myself and the capitol. I hear Peeta calling after me but I just lock myself in my bedroom. But the lock gets stuck and won't lock, so I can only hope he doesn't follow me.
I cry and then scream in frustration with myself. Then I realise, yes I'm going to die but I'll probably see other innocent people die brutally before me (If I last that long!), be alone in the woods, cold and scared. People fighting, hunting me down with a wish to kill me and getting hurt far beyond help! And this is only the start! I'm entering the Hunger Games! I can only hope I go quickly!
I sit on the floor completely silent thinking about what lies ahead. Mostly my death and saying gooddbye to my family and friends, especially Katniss. Every now and I think of home and start crying and end up eventually screaming. 'I don't want to die yet! I haven't said goodbye properly! Not to everyone!' I think to myself but now it dawns on me; maybe I do want to die, right now. Before I see someone killed, I could just kill myself. 'No!' I suddenly think to myself. 'Don't die!' But I'm going to die eventually, so why not now? In way a lot less messy. And I could write a letter to everyone and put it in my pocket and so when they send back my body they could get the letters! 'No! Don't do it!' the voice in my head tells me. 'You could win! Mabe!' No, I couldn't! There is no way possible I could win, I could/would never kill someone!
For the rest of the day I write letters to everyone I know, the hardest to write was definetly Katniss's. As I write them I cry, a lot. I do a lot of crying and even screaming. Many people knock on the door asking if I'm okay but I tell them to go away. Eventually Effie comes telling me we're having lunch now before we reach the captiol, but I say I'm not hungry. I even find it hard saying goodbye to Effie! But finally I've finished all my letters and I'm ready. I change into my clothes from home which are still slightly damp and leave my room silently. I make my way to the medical room, hoping the door isn't locked. It isn't.
I open the cupboard door looking for painkillers. At home painkillers are so rare I didn't even know we had any until a few years ago. I remember they were for a man at the age of nineteen, it was a mine accident and he was going to dye in the end but he hadn't said goodbye to his family yet. They didn't even know what had happended. So my mother gave him some painkillers to make it through the night. He didn't. When his family came they were too late. They cried hysterically, but the youngest girl only about two couldn't believe it. She kept shaking his dead body like trying to wake him up from sleep. "Wake up Joe! Come on! Wake up." She kept calling brightly, her mother tried to explain by saying he would be asleep forever now. This only made things worse she started screaming at him. Even though I had treated many pationents and them only passing away in the end this one really stuck with me unlike any others. Everytime someone passes away at night time secretly I cry for them and mostly for there families. But this time I'd and still do cry a few tears for the family of Joe and for Joe, every night.
That night I remeber my mother taking out the bottle of painkillers and giving it to me and telling me, "Give him two and only two."
"Why, only two?" I asked her. She looked at me solemly.
"Because any more, will kill him. We never kill someone." She said firmly. "Not like that." She muttered then afterwards thinking I didn't hear her, but I did.
I open the small bottle and pour out a dozen.
Open my mouth.
Tears fall down my cheeks. 'No, don't cry.' I tell myself. 'Be brave.'
I think of all my friends and my family at home. My mother, Buttercup, Lady - my precious goat.
I think of Katniss.
Goodbye.
Dear Reader,
I know what you just read is very depressing and sad. I'm sorry. But I want you to know what Primrose did is not the answer to any problems you may face!!! There is always another way! If you are experiencing any problems in life - you are not alone, I know that because so do I! PLEASE talk to someone about it, I know its awkward and easier to keep it to yourself!!! But PLEASE do!!! I cannot stress this enough!!! If you don't have anyone to talk to please find out your national lifelines's phone-number (in the website linked here; http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html ) and call it. Lifelines are a great way to vent about your life's dilemas, whether they are MAJOR or minor, lifelines are there to help!!! Because you are worth it!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!! (Cliche alert, but its true!) You are perfect in your own way, inside and out! You are loved! Don't be missed!!
Note: Anyway, my story has NOT finished yet (its barely started!!) so you can look forward to the next chapter!!!!!!!!!!! <3
P.S Just like to throw out a shout-out to @Smudge704! Thankyou so much for your advice and help in my story. I am forever grateful!!! <3 Katrina x