Dear Future Husband,
I just did something absolutely crazy.
I just completely went against everything I have ever known about myself.
I just... wow.
Let me explain...
So as you knew I worked up the nerve to text Sasha, so I did it, like actually.
Hey Sasha, it's Alina :)
I totally thought the smile was overkill. Again, I didn't want it to seem like I was leading her on, or like I was overly excited, but I also didn't want it to be weird with just a bland greeting.
Alina who?
I panicked. Did she give me the wrong number to mess with me? Did she forget who I was already? What was going on?
Just kidding :P
Long time no see, beautiful Alina
I took a huge sigh of relief, smiling as I read the second text. It was definitely her, and she definitely still seemed interested, so I decided to take the next leap.
How about we grab coffee sometime?
I tapped nervously on the back of my phone with the rhythm of the dots in the response bubble, my heart beating out of my chest. I had never asked someone out before, and I was prepared for the rejection or acceptance.
I'll see you at 10 tomorrow. Starbucks
I felt like a giddy ten year old who had just been told her crush liked her back, and in a more real sense, that's exactly what this was. Did I have a crush on Sasha?
I was up all night that night thinking about her and what I was going to wear and I was just so excited and nervous and intrigued that I didn't get an hour of sleep. My stomach churned all night like someone had put vinegar and baking soda in it and I was just exploding.
That feeling carried over to the morning as I tried on eight hundred different outfits trying to decide what would look best for our date. Was it a date? Or were we just hanging out? Did she want it to be a date? Did I want it to be a date? There were so many questions I just couldn't find the answers to and I was dying for some explanations. I had never felt this way before, what was I supposed to expect?
At nine fifty I got into the car and drove downtown.
(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I got my license yesterday! I've been so caught up in everything it completely went past me.)
It took me fifteen minutes to get there, but I figured it was better to be late than early, as eager as I was, I didn't want to seem too eager.
When I got there, she had already gotten a table and had a latte in her hands, smiling at me as I walked through the door.
I made her wait a little as I got my coffee to build the anticipation, as she had done to me a few days ago. Once I got it, I made my way over to the table and sat down across from her.
"I've got to say," She started, taking a sip of her drink. "I'm surprised you texted me."
"Me too." I said, sweat dripping out of my palms, making the outside of my cup moist.
"Well, either way I'm glad you did." She said, smiling at me. "You have incredible eyes."
I swallowed a hard lump in my throat. She's hitting on you. This is your chance, Alina. Get your flirt on! "I've lost myself so many times in yours, I don't have time to think about mine."
She raised her eyebrows at me, a slow smile creeping onto her face. "Well then, I didn't expect that from you, Miss 'I like boys'."
"I figured I could make an exception." I said, my shaky leg finding hers under the table. Where was all of this flirtatious Alina coming from?! I was never the one to make moves like this.
She smirked at me, leaning closer across the table. "I thought you might come around."
We sat and talked for hours, mostly just normal first date stuff—getting to know each other— with the occasional flirt thrown into the conversation. I felt so invigorated for the first time in a while and it was an incredible feeling. I was being bold and sexy and colorful all at the same time and it was liberating. I felt like I didn't have to worry about what Sasha or anyone thought, and even if I did they were good thoughts anyway.
I just felt good after our little date and wanted to keep feeling that. Luckily, she invited me to a party her friend was throwing the following night and I gladly accepted the invitation.
Another restless night of sleep, another anxious day filled with stomach pains and sweaty palms all leading up to that night. I wore a tight crop top with leather leggings I stole from Clarissa's closet. I wanted to be sexy and edgy, the new Alina. The more careless Alina, the Alina that wasn't controlled by the whim of a man.
This time, Sasha picked me up in her SUV and brought me to the party.
"Damn girl," She said, eyeing my ensemble. "You really know how to dress to impress."
I shrugged, smiling. "Always trying to impress you, of course."
"It's working." She grinned.
"So whose party is this?" I asked as she pulled out of my driveway.
"My brother's friend is in a frat and he doesn't stop throwing parties when the school year ends, they're ragers."
That made me a little nervous, but I had to stick it out. The only parties I had been to were high school ones where the craziest thing that happened was someone passed around a blunt. College parties? That was a new arena I wasn't sure I was ready for, but I really wanted to hang out with Sasha and I didn't want her to think I was anything but the bold, sexy, possible bisexual she thought I was.
My expectations were exceeded when I got there and I wasn't sure if bold, sexy Alina could overcome this challenge.
There must've been easily 200 people crammed into that house. Too many sweaty, drunk, older people if you ask me. All of the girls' boobs were D's and above while some of the guys had full grown beards, and all of them were in their prime having the time of their life, too old to have to to care about going to school the next morning but too young to have to worry about having to wake up in the middle of the night to soothe a screaming child. They were just so free and lost in the moment. In a way, it terrified me. But in a completely different way, I wanted to be just like them.
Sasha took my head and guided me through the masses to the backyard which was fitted with a full bar and pool with college kids who were either fully clothed or completely nude— there was no in between— swimming around or making out or just simply passed out.
"This is... wow." I said as Sasha walked up to the bar.
"Totally incredible right?" She grinned at me.
"That's one way to describe it." I said.
"What's your poison?" She asked me as she went behind the bar as the delegated bartender downed a shot.
"Uh, beer?" I chuckled nervously. What was the kind of thing you drink at a party like this? Did college kids drink beer? Or straight vodka?
She laughed and I was worried I had embarrassed myself. I couldn't blame me though, being bold, sexy Alina wasn't as easy as I thought. "I know what you need." She said before turning and pouring a hundred different bottles into a glass.
After a few shakes, a few pours, and a tablet of something I hoped wasn't a roofie, she served me a pink drink garnished with a single raspberry.
"Aren't you quite the bartender." I said, inspecting the glass. I've got to be honest, even bold, sexy Alina wasn't too keen on trying this mystery drink.
"It's called jungle juice, it's a staple of higher education," She laughed, taking a sip of her own drink. "Vodka, rum, a little bit of Jose, lemonade, fruit punch, and two hundred milligrams of Vicodin to help the hangover." She held her glass up and I followed suit. "To new beginnings." She said.
"To new beginnings." I repeated, clinking her glass then reluctantly taking a sip of my drink. If I was being completely honest, it didn't suck, but I knew it would get me drunk as hell.
I was right because after one of those bad boys, I couldn't stop and soon I was among the drunk, sweaty, almost-adults conglomerated in the house as I danced with Sasha. I grinded up on her as I felt her hands all over my, my waist, my butt, my boobs, my neck, my hair, anything and everything that made me go wild.
During one song in particular, I was too drunk to remember which one, Sasha and I had gotten pretty close. Our pelvises were pressed firmly against each other with one of her hands on my butt as the other one was firmly on the underside of my thigh, keeping my body close to hers. Our faces were inches apart and I could feel the sweet taste of her breath against my lips. My body was just buzzing with this thrill that could've been a product of the adrenaline from the night or from the alcohol or from the pure draw I felt towards Sasha. Maybe it was a mix of all three, maybe it was none of them. I didn't know and I didn't care. All I knew is that the tension was killing me and I needed to break it.
"I've never kissed a girl before," I muttered to her as we rocked on the dance floor.
"Would you like to try?" Sasha asked me, her world famous smirk playing on her lips.
I bit my lip, nodding before leaning into her face and latching my mouth around hers.
It was unlike anything I had felt before kissing boys. It was softer, yet more intense, and calm, yet wild. Kissing her was like putting my lips against satin and my tongue inside a rose. It was so elegant and sexy and who knows if she put something other than Vicodin in my drink to made me feel that way, but it felt good with my hands in her hair and against her soft skin. Despite the hundreds of people in the house with us, I felt like we were the only people in the room. I got lost kissing her. I never got this high off of kissing a boy.
On her end, it was probably like kissing a horse I was so drunk, but I could tell she didn't care which turned me on even more.
She pulled away after a few minutes and I wished she hadn't because I wanted so much more. I wanted to just keep my lips against hers forever to keep the world away.
"You want to get out of here?" She whispered against my lips.
"Okay." I said shakily, still shell shocked from being separated from her kiss.
She grinned and kept her hands firmly around my waist as she led me out of the party and to her car.
She opened the door to the back seat and led me in, closing the door behind her and immediately latching her lips onto mine, her hand seizing my breast.
I went with it as I sunk back into her lips, shaking as I did. I was just so nervous and excited in that moment that my body was on overdrive and didn't know what reaction to produce.
Until it decided to throw up.
I pulled away quickly and managed to open the car door in time to spew my guts all over the concrete instead of her leather seats, awkwardly wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my shoulder.
"Yeah," She sighed. "I should probably get you home."
I shook my head, swallowing the foul taste in my mouth. "No," I croaked. "I'm fine."
"It's okay," She smiled at me, pushing a strand of hair out of my face. "You need some rest after tonight."
"Tonight was amazing." I replied drunkenly. "Absolutely amazing. Sasha, I..." I felt more vomit coming up my throat and choked it down.
She laughed. "I know, beautiful, I know. I'm going to call you an Uber okay? Text me when you get home."
I did as she said and that night I actually slept because I was so plastered, but that didn't stop me from thinking about that kiss.
That kiss changed everything. That kiss made me rethink everything I knew about myself. It opened up a whole new world of things I had never even thought about exploring. That kiss affirmed every question I had since meeting Sasha and I was a new person. No more feeling like the bold, sexy, new Alina. I was the bold, sexy, new Alina.
And it felt amazing.
Xoxo, Alina