Renleigh Kensington
Loud music, people filming on their phones as models walk by, champagne consumed left, right and centre with lights all over the place, making it one of the most memorable events of the season. Yet, I wished nothing more than to be home, ensuring the safety of those who somehow ended up in the shitstorm that is my past.
And, seemingly, my present.
Perhaps your past does follow you. Well, that is, if you leave it unfinished and boxed away like it never happened.
I felt as though people liked my work on the stage and I did around five interviews in an hour and a half. In any other situation, that would have boosted my ego and made me stand around with a cocky grin on my face, but now, as nothing but stress controlled my body and mind, I couldn't possibly find it in me to make it happen. Obviously, I was more than proud of the work I had done and the success it achieved and I couldn't wait to celebrate with a night full of sleep as I usually did after something like this.
But I had more important things to take care of before that could happen. At least, on my list of priorities, sleeping didn't end up in the top five.
I know, I know, I know.
Not healthy, not good, not acceptable. Whatever. I know. But I also knew this was all my fault and that didn't let me sleep. 'That' being guilt. The kind of guilt that people mean when they say it is eating them alive. It was eating me alive. It was giving me stress that I haven't felt in a long while and it made my mind go absolutely nuts, resulting in overthinking which then resulted in even more self-loathing and guess what else?
Ah, yes!
Stress.
So, I guess that pretty much explains why I didn't have it in me to enjoy the success, the attention, the love, the everything that this event brought me. I thanked the Lord that my part was over and I had perfectly skilled employees—Liam, more specifically—who would take over and finish whatever had to be finished. I gave him a list of things to take care of, things that I usually would have carried out myself but I really didn't have it in me to complete them.
"Hey-hey, wait," Styles. Fucking Harry Styles. He was everywhere. And I know I invited him to come along and be here with me—yes, he came even after everything I told him about Louis going after our brothers—but I didn't need his nagging. I really did not. "Renleigh. Stop rushing."
"I just got off the phone with the pilot, they are getting the jet ready and we're—well, I am certainly leaving in an hour," I let him know as I pulled my arm out of his grasp and faced him. We were still in the building, somewhere backstage but there was barely anyone in these halls since the show was still on.
"You wanna go home already?" he asked me and sounded like he had a problem with it.
"Yes. You don't have to come. Stay for the after party if you want," I told him, sounding cold and absolutely not arsed. That was because I wasn't. "My job here is done and I have other things to take care of—like the safety of others. Who, by the way, are in shit because of guess who! Me!" I pointed at myself as I explained it to him. I knew I sounded like a fucking maniac, I felt like one, but I couldn't deal with this guilt. It was horrible. "So, just let me go and I'll come find you when I have the time."
"Alright," he nodded with a look on his face that I couldn't quite describe. "Let's say you get home. What then? Are you gonna go to the police and nag them about updates? Are you gonna sleep next to your brother, just to make sure he's okay? Even though, you hired personal security for him and everything he does is monitored."
"What are you trying to get at?"
"That you are going crazy over this. You are so caught up in it that we haven't even talked about anything that happened."
"There is nothing to talk about."
"There is," he scoffed. "You said not one thing about the situation at your headquarters since it happened. We haven't even been in New York for a whole day yet you are already wanting to go home," he said as a matter of fact. "Do you know what kind of effect that could have on you physically, mentally and emotionally? You are not some superhuman or a robot who can just travel from timezone to timezone and stay unaffected."
"Damn, I thought I was," I groaned and Harry shook his head and let out a sigh that showed just how bothered he was. Sometimes, I really believed he cared more about me than anything else and it made no sense to me. He treated me like I was the only person who mattered to him and although that was everything, I ever wished for in someone, it felt a bit too much sometimes. Perhaps due to the fact that no one ever made me their priority and he did and I just wasn't used to it.
"Okay. You are going to call the pilot or whoever you contacted and tell them you don't need to fly back home tonight," he said sternly. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms in front of my chest. "No, Ren, you are going to do that otherwise I will and I know you won't like it."
"I can't be here, alright?" I blurted. "I can not be here. Not when my employees were threatened. Not when my family was threatened. Not when your family was threatened. How could I stay in New York, miles and miles away from my problems and leave everyone in danger? Harry, I can't stop thinking about what he might do and I have no idea when I became so scared of him. He never scared me. Ever. And now... now, I feel like he's got me under his thumb and he could crush me any time."
"Going home will not solve any of those things. None of them. You won't be able to protect your employees and your family at the same time. It's not possible. You cannot do it. I know, it sucks to hear, but this is something completely out of your control and you need to be okay with that," he said as he kept his eyes on me. His hands were on my arms, just below my shoulders and his thumbs caressed the part as his way of helping me calm down.
"Well, I'm not," I huffed.
"I know, darling," he smiled softly at me. "That's why we're staying in New York and going to relax. Then, if you really cannot shut off your mind for a bit, we will go home and do something about Louis, yeah?"
No.
I wanted to say no. I never had problem saying no.
But he looked so hopeful and reassuring, he knew he could do something to help me here but I just didn't see it. That was why I wanted to say no.
Yet all that came out of my mouth was, "Okay."
We made use of the suite we were meant to stay at and ended up in the bathtub that had a jacuzzi setting on it. It was probably the nicest bath I have ever had and I definitely needed it after hours of flying and then getting ready and getting through a fashion show. Still, I had no appetite or the plan of going to sleep after. Harry must have thought I was long out when he finally let himself fall into a deep slumber. His arms around me and his face tucked in my neck. He was usually the little spoon so it was a surprise to be the one cuddled.
Nevertheless, I got out of the bed and went to sit out on the balcony. It was top floor which meant great view. But not great enough for my mind to shut off and concentrate on the beauty of it or try and relax. It was like everything that I could focus on, was the guilt and nothing seemed to want to make it go away.
I despised feelings. This is exactly why I pushed everything as far away as I possibly could. No feelings to deal with, no personal stress over things I cannot control. Simple and effective. Perhaps not in the long run but it works for a while. Also, not healthy but hey ho. There is always a price to pay, right?
"Baby?" why was that so hot. Damn it. He always did things that were super normal and yet I was over here, with my knickers all across the other side of the room and my heart beating faster than it probably should.
His voice came from a bit away which meant he was still in bed.
I sighed as I bounced my leg up and down, both of them on the railing as I leaned on my elbow and kept biting on my nail. I didn't respond because I just assumed, he would give up and go back to sleep when he didn't feel me next to him—he did that sometimes. Tossed and turned until he found a pillow or the quilt or my stuffed pig to bring to his chest and then he was fine.
This time, however, was not the case. Moments later, his arms wrapped around my neck from the back and he pressed his warm cheek to my slightly cold one. Maybe I lost track of time and just sat out here for longer than I planned. Then again, I didn't really plan on anything.
Other than going home after the show but that got kind of ruined.
"You okay?" he asked me just above a whisper, his voice still raspy from the nap he took. He loved naps, I have noticed that. He could fall asleep anywhere as long as his body was horizontal. If someone played with his hair or fingers or cuddled him, it happened faster but yeah. He fell asleep pretty fast which was something I was jealous of.
"Truth or lie?"
I heard him sigh—he knew the answer. "Wanna tell me?"
"I told you already," I replied. "It's the nagging feeling, the guilt, the helplessness. Being out of control... not being able to make something—someone go away... it's making me go crazy, Harry," I chuckled. It was not from amusement; it was from the craziness of the situation. There was never really anything that I couldn't make go away. "It's actually worse than when something at work goes wrong."
"Of course, it is," he sighed as he pulled the chair out a bit and sat down on it. He wrapped himself up in the dressing gown that was in the bathroom and he crossed his legs as he sat on the puffy chair. "People you care for are in potential danger and you have no idea what might happen. It is supposed to scare you, s'what makes you human, isn't it?"
"I never wished to be some supernatural creature more," I stifled a laugh and Styles copied me.
"Yeah," he breathed. "Me too."
"I can't see you being not human, you know."
"Why?" he asked curiously, his eyes set on the scenery in front of him.
"You care too much. Not just about family and friends... everyone," I said.
"What makes you think supernatural creatures don't care and have no emotions?"
"Well, why would they?" I asked. "Werewolves kill for their food, they don't care that their preys have families and whatnot."
"They still have packs who they defend and need. No lone wolf survives."
"Is that you picking on me?"
"I would never do such thing," he told me as he faked being offended. "No, but, seriously. You are doing the overthinking again and it is not good for you."
"Clearly," I mumbled.
"So, I say we go out tonight."
"I don't feel like drinking, no matter how unbelievable that sounds."
"I meant on a date, dumb bitch," he rolled his eyes and nudged me as he stood up. "I haven't taken you anywhere in a long time and that is not very good of me as a boyfriend. I'm making up for the lost time so I hope you have a nice outfit or connections to get one."
• • •
My mood changed like someone flicked a switch in me and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I mean, I weirdly enjoyed going out with Styles and he managed to take my mind off of the situation going on at home and that was quite scary. I, myself, wasn't able to get it out of my own head and there he was, in his glory, doing the unimaginable.
Then again, he constantly surprised me with the things he did and the way he made me feel so it was time I learnt to get used to it.
Later when we got back to the hotel, I was excited to change into flats and jeans so we could go out and actually see the city. I was never one to explore but it sounded so good, especially with Harry. We made a stop at one of the stores so he could get a camera because he forgot to bring his own and then he told me it was time I got used to him taking pictures of me. Whenever he did, I just fought him—first playfully but then it emerged into a serious fight and we didn't talk for an hour.
"Please," he begged as he tried to get me to pose for him. He made me sit on the bench and asked me to cross my legs but instead, I sat with my legs spread and slumped down. I acted like a child and it felt nice for a change. It was also nice to not have to be in high heels and a suit or a nice dress and think about my next logistic move as a boss. "I need photos from this trip so I can add them into the album."
"You have a photo album?" I asked curiously as he sat down next to me. I placed my right leg over his and leaned down on my elbow a little so I could hold myself up as I pretty much hogged up the whole bench.
"Yeah," he smiled. "Every time I go somewhere, I take a few photos and then get them printed. I like photography a lot."
"Interesting," I hummed. "How many photos have you got so far?"
"From this trip? Only the ones of you pretending to be asleep," he smirked evilly and I gasped. "I'm kidding. I have more of you than just those."
"Cheeky fucker," I mumbled. "Can I see them?"
"Nope," he shook his head. "Not until you pose for me and then we get home and I can get them printed and fill up the album."
"Nah, that is not a deal."
"Don't be a pain in my ass, just behave," he patted my thigh as he got up and lifted the camera in front of his face. "Come on. Think of our kids and how they will react when they see their mummy laying on a public bench like that—absolute mess."
"They will be proud, alright?!"
"'Course they will be. Their daddy will always make them proud," he said smugly. I flipped him off and crossed my arms in front of my chest. "Kensington!"
"Raise your voice at me like that again and you will be girlfriend-less!" I threatened and I knew he rolled his eyes as he glanced away from me. "How much will you pay me if I pose normally?"
"Depends on how good you are at modelling."
"God sake, you can't make a deal to save your career nevermind your damn life," I huffed. "How about a trip to Spain, fully catered and cost covered?"
"Why Spain?" he asked.
"Just wanna see your villa," I replied. "You said you had one and it's been bugging me for a while now. I wanna go."
"Okay," he replied. "But only if I get to take so many photos of you there."
"That was not a part of the original deal," I argued.
"I made it a part of it," he responded. "Now, stop being like this and co-operate."
"Bossy bitch," I mumbled but did as he asked. I smiled so wide that it looked fake and I tilted my head just a little more extra than I should have or he wanted me to and I knew it pissed him off. He came barging towards me and I couldn't help but laugh.
"Renleigh Sage Kensington. I swear to whoever is above us that I will spank you if you will not behave," he threatened.
"If that was supposed to make me fear you, it actually turned me on so you gotta try a new approach," I said with a smirk.
"Whatever am I going to do with you, huh?"
"Well... you always tell me you wanna marry me and move in with me," I listed a couple of things. "Then you sometimes mention having kids as well..."
"I do think this New York weather is affecting you differently," he sighed dramatically. "Scoot over."
"You done with your photos?" I raised my eyebrow.
"I can't get you to be normal so yeah," he said with a cheeky look in his eyes. "We'll just take a bunch in Spain—speaking of which, when shall we go?"
"Well, I definitely want to go home and sort this whole Louis thing out. I feel like it completely fucked with Brandon's head and it messed up his life pretty bad so I need to be with him for a bit," I explained. "And then I gotta do some work, sort out some finance stuff before the meeting in Paris which is... uh, at the end of this month."
"Should we plan it for March then?"
"Well, how's your February looking?" I asked.
"Filled with Gucci meetings," he stifled a laugh. "I'm back and forth Italy almost every week until the team can just go on their way and take it from my hands and give it back around the launch date."
"Yeah, I guess March is the best option then," I agreed. "That is the best time to go, anyway, right?"
"Yeah, I'd think so," he nodded. "Not too many people go around that time but even if they are, we'll manage."
"I'm kind of excited," I told him with a smile on my face. He looked over at me as I already stared at him. His eyes fell to my lips before he caught my eyes and grinned. I licked my lips and rolled them in my mouth before he leaned closer and kissed me. It was gentle and slow, a feather like kiss which seemed to be his favourite.
"I am excited, too," he said. "Our first proper holiday."
"Oh, shit," I chuckled. "It will be our first proper holiday. Wow. We gotta set the bar somewhere we can exceed it with the second one."
"Where are we going after Spain?" he asked, amused.
"Hmmm. Somewhere in Australia. Always wanted to go and spend some time there but work never called and I never exactly found it to be on the top of my to-do list."
"Anywhere specific in Australia?" he questioned me.
"No, it doesn't really matter," I replied. "I just want to see the country—we could go all across? I'm sure I could find the time if I tried really hard."
"I will find it for you," he reassured and I chuckled as I leaned my head on his shoulder. "Leave the planning to me, darling."
• • •
a.n.
i'm too nice and too impatient to wait to update so here's one before my birthday tomorrow 😴 pls vote and comment cos i love reading your reactions and stuff xoxo