Anthony
I sit in my hotel room in New York with the blinds closed and the lights off. I play with the engagement ring I just bought in my hand as the tears fall down my face. I had been like this for some time now, ever since I got back from the jewelry store earlier this morning. And I wasn't sad that I spent a good chunk of my check on this one ring or that I was planning to purpose sometime this summer with it. No, I had this planned for a while and I wanted to get a ring I knew would be good enough for her. And I did just that in one of the most famous jewelry stores in New York City.
My problem is if I will ever be good enough for her? If this ring will ever mean what I want it to mean. What happens when she needs her husband and I can't be there for her? What happens when my baby says her first words and it's "daddy" and I'm not even there? What happens when it's our anniversary and I can't even kiss her?
I've put a lot of thought into this relationship recently, I've looked back and seen all the beautiful moments we shared and I look to the future and see plenty more there too. But I also see hardship, I see a broken heart because she doesn't really know where on this world I am or what I'm doing. And I can't be there to hold her when she cries, I can't wipe away her tears and that is the hardest thing to know. That I can't stop the hurt or take it away. I just want to be a good husband, I want her to put on this ring and know that it's going to be worth it. That I... that I'm going to be worth it.
I hear a knock on the door of my hotel room and hope that if I don't respond the person will just leave. But they knock again and I let out a sigh.
"Go away" I beg.
"Well now that I know that you're upset so I'm not leaving until we figure this out" they say. I can tell by the voice it was David and I knew he really wasn't going to leave until he knows I'm okay or he's convinced I'm okay.
"Please leave me alone" I try.
"You can either let me in or I'm going down to the front desk and having them make a key for me so I can come in as many times as I want until I know you're okay" he demands.
After pouting for a little I slowly pull myself up off of the couch and to the door. I open it and David lets himself in.
"God... it reeks of sadness in here" he claims as he walks over to the fridge. He grabs himself a water before sitting on the couch.
"Alright, come on" he starts as he pats the seat next to him. I sit back down and he throws his arm around me. "What's going on? Because the boys said you organized a trip to Times Square for team bonding and I waited for you to join them but you never came. That's not like you" he accuses.
"I just... I'm broken. I don't know what to do and what I want I don't think is what's is best and I... I just don't know" I whisper.
"Oh buddy" he sighs as he grabs my shoulder. He starts to massage my muscles which actually helped a little.
"I got this today" I say holding up a ring. His eyes nearly pop out of his head as he hops up a little to get a closer look.
"Holy shit, that is a really nice ring" he admits.
"I know. But this ring isn't what matters. Not even the marriage it represents. This ring scares me because there's a bunch of things that comes with being a husband that I don't think I can be that to her. Not in the way she deserves at least. I'm scared that I'm going to let her down, that she deserves someone who doesn't belong to millions of other people too" I sniffle.
"Welcome to being a grown man in the MLB. You think every man who is married in this league hasn't felt like you have right now? Because we have, even after we get married we still question if we're enough.
And the simple answer is no, we're not enough. Kelsey deserves a guy who will always be there and help her out. She deserves a guy who can take the night shift with the baby at least once a night so she can sleep some more. She deserves a guy she doesn't have to miss 81 nights of the year.
But she doesn't give a shit about that. She loves you and she knows that these hard moments like right now is worth it. She's a smart woman, she knows what love is. Her parents went through hell and back to fight for their love. They never needed that ring because they knew that it doesn't mean shit. And it doesn't. I wear mine because it reminds me of the greatest love I've ever known, I can look at it and not just say "hey, I'm married" but I can say "hey, I'm the luckiest man alive" instead" he explains.
"I just don't want to hurt her. I don't want us getting married to be more of a problem than a solution" I defend.
"Do you love her, more than anything" he asks.
"Of course" I scoff.
"And are you going to spend the rest of your life with her no matter why troubled waters that might find you" he questions.
"Without a doubt" I promise.
"And are you going to fight for what you have found with that girl" he wonders.
"Every single time" I whisper.
"Then stop over thinking this. Stop telling yourself you're not enough because if you say it enough times it becomes true. Start telling yourself that what you have is bigger than any doubt and even though it won't be easy it'll be worth it. You are worth it" he says.
I look over to him and I can see in his eyes how hard this was for him. He knew exactly how I felt and he hated I got that way. But he was right, I can't sit here and think like this. It's not good for me or my family. Marriage can be scary, and not getting married or the love, but the pain love brings us. But in the end love always wins.