conversations.
trigger warning: panic attack
jennie kim can be quite confusing. first, she'd break up with lisa on the last summer before she left for college and didn't talk to lisa for around seven months; second, she came back for winter break, called lisa and hang out with her for the remaining days of the break; third, she'd constantly text and call lisa for weeks and there would be weeks where she'd ghost her.
this sporadic behavior wasn't intentional, of course. jennie had been so focused in college, her courses were fine, she could handle it, managing her schedule was something she couldn't have a tight grasp on. it was all over the place, and to say the least, jennie wasn't graceful under pressure.
in fact she was starting to question how she even managed high school. she had a lot of extra-curricular, she was student body president, and also she was in the honor roll. top of it all.
it was truly a wonder.
she was trying to figure it out, the things she did before as she poured tea into her cup. tea had always been lisa's favorite, whenever jennie was getting stressed she would make one for her.
she took a sip from it. lisa's always tasted better. there just always had been a dash of something put into it, her delicacy as she brewed the tea, the precision of pouring it into the cup, the way she mixed milk into it, and when she serves it, she serves it with such love. and as jennie drank it, lisa would wrap her arms around her and kissed her shoulder, gingerly, calmly...
the thoughts startled jen, she put down her tea cup and sat down on the chair of her kitchen. she breathed in and out, in and out.
calm down. calm down. calm down.
calm down...
•
"calm down..." lisa kissed the shell of her ear, held her hands that were balled into fists. "breathe in," and jennie breathed in with her, "breathe out." they exhaled together.
the tension in jennie's muscles loosened after breathing with her girlfriend, though her hands were still clammy and her forehead pooled with unwarranted sweat.
lisa took care of that, she took a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the cold sweat off of jennie, and as she did, all jennie could look at was her luscious pouty lips.
"we're settling this, okay, we're going to schedule everything down, so you've got something to remind you of the things you have to do. we're making you a planner... well i'm making the planner," lisa laughed and then she finally looked into jennie's eyes.
jennie couldn't help but bite her lower lip as she watched her girlfriend swallow nervously, a small smile graced her lips, she felt so happy, who would even be this dedicated, this supportive, this protective?
"lisa—" she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's neck, it could only be lisa. "i fucking love you." and then they kissed, jennie kissed her with such fervor she felt as if she was burning. her hands wove their way into lisa's blonde locks, tugged at her scalp as she moved onto her lap, straddled her. her breath was short again, but this time it was because of love that overwhelmed her. "i love you."
she felt lisa's hand slipped under her loose t-shirt, finding their way to where her bra met, upon feeling nothing but her skin, lisa smirked up at her. "how didn't i notice?"
"you were too busy pacifying me."
"oh." a smirk, "now can i treat you like a pacifier?"
"lili!" she protested, but then her top was off, and she felt lisa hover above her chest.
"i love you too, nini." lisa looked into her eyes, and in return she did as well.
she was going to respond with something, but instead moaned her lover's name in a hush, "lili..."
•
...lili. lisa. her lalisa. she thought.
calm down.
but she wasn't there anymore, jennie left her.
my lalisa.
she left her, she must hate her.
calm down.
it wasn't because of something she was doing before, she had her life together because someone was there for her, someone who took care of her, someone she also took care of, someone who made her head above the clouds with her feet grounded in the earth.
her lili.
she was filled with utmost certainty that there was no way, no way she could do this, breathe, function, because she was an idiot and she left the woman who had always been there for her. the woman who loved her without asking or expecting anything in return.
she thought it was for the best, she thought that if they broke it off before she even leaves, lisa won't resent her for the distance, and whatever resentful reasons there could be that would come.
now she was all alone.
calm down...
all alone.
please, just—
she reached out for her phone and pressed number one, speed dialing lisa. it took three rings before lisa answered. and she felt so sick to her stomach knowing that this girl wouldn't even decline her call.
lisa deserved better.
but god, jennie begged, prayed that she'd be the best again.
"jennie..." lisa's voice was low, she just woke up, jennie could tell.
anyhow there was nothing, jennie didn't respond, she took a paper bag from one of the drawers and she started breathing in it.
"fuck, are you okay?" lisa was worried, almost panicked, but she immediately regained her composure, "i'm here—just calm down," she always knew what jennie needed, she didn't have to tell her, she just knew.
"just talk to me, anything, just talk—" pause, "—your day."
"i went to the skate park, hanbin and bambam invited me, jisoo came along too, told me she hadn't skated for a while. so we went there."
"what did you wear?"
"oooh, you like to imagine me like that now, huh?"
"idiot,"
"i wore sweats, but not the baggy one since i'm skating, i wore a fitted one, but not too fit and i wore a crop top."
"were boys staring?"
"'you jealous?"
"why does it matter?"
"it matters to me, but yeah they were staring, gawking, ogling, you know how hormonal teens can be. i'm pretty sure nirvana was playing somewhere that time too."
"smells like teen spirit?"
"damn, that would be a cool background music though while people gawk at my body."
jennie grumbled.
lisa smiled, jennie was certain, she can hear it in her voice. "you're so cute when you're jealous."
"flirt."
"only with you,"
"i'm not jealous, it would matter more if girls were staring..."
"yeah, but even girls did, cause i make those pussies—"
"shut up!"
"quake..." and then laughter, lisa wheezed and jennie couldn't help but laugh along with her too.
"god," jennie labored out a breath, "i miss you so much,"
lisa didn't say anything, there was nothing but silence now.
"jennie?"
"mhmm,"
"when are you coming home?"
"two days from now." jennie sighed and then asked, "why, are you going to pick me up?"
"no, i'm too busy making girls gawk at me."
"oh." that hurt.
"i'm only joking. i'll see you around though."
"okay. i wish you'd be there."
"you know, jennie, you're really confusing..." lisa sounded so frustrated and angry that it alarmed jennie, but as perverse as it may, she was also aroused, "it's like, you keep pulling and pushing me, pulling and pushing me because you know how i'm always at your beck and call. one day you want me and the next you don't. it shows how much regard you have left for me. that fucking sucks. i have no idea what the fuck do you even want from me!"
"lisa—"
"you broke up with me, jen, yet you're the one who always texts, the one who always calls and of course i reply and i answer because i'm fucking pathetic for you. you've still got me wrapped around your little finger, and just, fuck!"
"i don't deserve you,"
"shut up. let me finish."
"okay, go on."
"it's been a year and i haven't even moved on, i tried to fuck it off out of my system but it just doesn't work!"
"you slept with other people?" she was surprised and a tinge of actual jealousy squeezed her chest.
"you slept with ken!"
"it was only kai!"
"ooooh kai." lisa spatted.
"how many people did you sleep with?" now she was the one who was angry, god she wasn't in the place to be so, but she could not help herself.
"you don't need to know,"
"goddamn it lisa, just tell me!"
"five"
"do i know any of them, am i friends with them?"
"no! i won't do that to you."
"did you sleep with rosé?"
"what, why the fuck would i?!"
"the answer is yes or no."
"no, jennie, i didn't sleep with rosé."
"kiss her, thought of it?"
"i hadn't." lisa sounded so frustrated, "you still slept with kai."
jennie groaned and stomped her foot on the ground, "you slept with five people!"
"none of them were chaeng though."
jennie whined, making incoherent noises, "you're insufferable."
"yet you love me."
and jennie didn't even deny that.