Hero hasn't spoken to me since the night in the hallway, even though it felt like I had seen him a million times after we shared the small kiss.
English literature for the past two weeks consisted of sneaking glances at him while he returned none. Maybe it was just a kiss to him, people can be casual about small acts of affection like that. But the idea didn't sit right with me.
I had no real reasoning as to why I wanted it to be so much more than that simple kiss. Maybe he hadn't even thought about it after.
But then again maybe it was because he just didn't like me. And I needed to somewhat be okay with that. I tried distracting myself with texting Alexis, but her responses were short and cold. The only other friends I had were here, all hanging out with Hero. That just seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.
Christmas break was approaching faster than I was hoping and with Alexis basically cutting herself off from our friendship, I didn't know where I would go for the break. It's not like I had to go anywhere, but staying in the empty dorm hall would surely suck the life out of Christmas for me.
Going home to see my mom would never be an option. And if it were, getting hit on by her drunk boyfriend was almost unavoidable. I sighed thinking about the reality of actually having to spend Christmas alone.
Sam would offer for me to come home with him again and his mom would tell me what color she'd want our nursery for our imaginary children to be. I don't think I could handle that again either.
The four knocks on my door brought me back to reality. I was relieved to see Sam and Shane on the other side, but quickly panicked as Hero wandered in behind the two of them.
I was only in my yoga pants and one of Sam's old t-shirt's that had gotten misplaced in all the trauma induced sleepovers from last year. I shut the door quietly and turned back to the boys standing in front of me.
"Will you come with us tonight?" Sam asked.
I crossed my arms over my chest, "Where?"
"We're just gonna go eat and sing some karaoke at the pool hall downtown." Shane informed me and I nodded.
"I think I'll pass." Chuckling under my breath and heading back for my bed.
Sam wrapped an arm around my waist and spun me back around to face them.
"Come on, you can't stay holed up in this room forever."
I glanced over at Hero who was staring right back at me, waiting for an answer to Sam's remark.
"Maybe she's already got plans with someone." He cut his eyes slightly as the words fell from his lips.
Anger began to boil inside of me. He was playing games, teasing me about Max. Because he was a dumb boy, he was no different from them. I narrowed my eyes at him and practically dared him to go on with the look on my face.
"Like who?" Sam asked, genuinely curious.
"I've seen her a few times with a guy. Blue eyes, sort of tall."
Sam looked directly at me and I could feel the lump creeping up my throat. If Sam found out that I had been even thinking of speaking to Max, let alone what Hero had been keeping from him, I'm sure he would be more than disappointed. Would he even still want to be my friend?
"Oh, you're talking about Dylan." Shane interrupted the intense silence that loomed over us.
I broke away from Hero's stare to thank Shane with my eyes. I know he knew where Hero's insinuation was headed.
"You've been hanging out with Dylan? Like without us?" Sam kind of laughed at the idea and I knew that if I wanted it to seem believable I had to get defensive.
If Hero wanted to play games, a game is what's he going to get.
"Why'd you say it like that?" The attitude in my tone took him by surprise.
"I don't know I guess I never picked him as your type?" His response came out sounding more like a question.
I knew Hero was angry.
"Why? He's smart, cute... funny. Great in bed."
Sam's eyes nearly popped out of his head, Shane's rolled and Hero's had almost disappeared from the glare he was giving me.
"WHAT?" Sam yelled out. "When did you.. why did.. YOU HAD SEX WITH DYLAN?"
"Yea, you had sex with Dylan but you won't hook up with Sam already?"
Shane was shocked at his question. None of us brought up Sam and I ever being anything more than friends. Hero was just hitting below the belt.
"Just a good lay, right?" I recalled the first thing that he had practically ever said to me.
Shane was the first to speak after everything had been hashed out in the most brutal of ways, he was always better at clearing the air.
"We're gonna be late meeting your cousin if we don't leave now." He was speaking to Sam, but Hero was the only one who responded by walking out of the room.
"I guess I'm gonna wait in the car." He mumbled before following behind their dickhead of a friend.
I can't believe I even fathomed up this idea of liking him. I can't believe I had kissed him.
"I don't know how you're friends with him."
"I don't know how you slept with Dylan."
I knew Sam's feelings were hurt and it only made me feel bad that the whole thing was a lie. But I couldn't tell him that this one white lie was only to cover up an even bigger one that would only make him even more upset with me.
"It didn't mean anything if that makes you feel any better." I said the words I thought he'd want to hear. But he did the annoyed chuckle he gets when I typically feed him a load of shit.
"That only makes me feel worse."
"Don't try and make this about us, Sam." I looked up to finally meet his eyes, afraid I might crack under his intimidation.
He said nothing else, he only continued to look at me.
"What? Are you going to say something?"
"You deserve better. That's all I'm ever going to say, Emerson."
So do you, I want to scream. He constantly wastes his time worrying about me and the shitty guys that I waste my own time on. Sam deserves someone so much better than me, someone like himself.
A person who can love others the way he does, wholeheartedly no matter what.
"I'll call you if I get too drunk." His voice was noticeably weaker than the seconds before and my heart started to hurt in my chest.
He feels the same way about me that the dumb part of me feels about Max. You've invested so much time into someone that you can't help but hope that you'll get to have all of them one day. But instead you get bits and pieces of the person that you've conjured up in your head when they want to show their face, wether it's months or years apart. You never lose the hope of being happy at some point, even when it's destroying you while you wait.
"You better." I lightly punched his arm in hopes of lightening the mood.
He only walked out of the room, leaving me alone with my bare walls and the warmth of my bed mixed with the chronic depression calling my name to come back.
I spent the majority of my night tossing and turning and searching for colder spots under my pillow to rest my hand. My mind wouldn't stop racing about thoughts of Sam, Hero and now Dylan. What would Sam do if Dylan were at the party tonight? Would Hero try to cause a scene between the two of them if I weren't there? Would Sam even confront him? What if Max was at the party and he tells Sam that we were seeing each other again?
I sighed, finally sitting up in my bed and turning my lamp on before taking my phone from the nightstand.
Sam's location said he was in his dorm. So did Shane's. Maybe, nothing even happened tonight and I was worried for no reason.
I scrolled a little further through social media before laying down again. Turning my music on shuffle, I placed my phone on the nightstand once more and just as I was drifting off to sleep, there was an insane banging at my door.
Max was the first person to pop into my mind. He was drunk and now he was here at three in the morning.
Nerves consumed me as I walked over, barely cracking it open.
"Let me in!" Hero slurred his words and my eyes went wide.
"How did you get past the dorm security?"
"I paid him off, now are you going to let me in or not!"
"No!" I closed the door in his face, only for the banging to start all over again.
"You owe me, Emerson! You must want everyone to find out about you and-." I yanked the door open and grabbed his forearm pulling him inside.
He stared down at my face and I could smell the liquor and cigarette smoke radiating off of him.
"How did you get here? Did you drive?"
"I'm not an idiot." He began to take off his boots and I raised my eyebrows as he sat down on the bed across from mine.
"Why did you think it was a good idea to come back here after everything you did today?"
"Because I didn't want to hear Sam boohoo over you and some guy you haven't even had a proper shag with. He was spot on when he said he wasn't your type, I just didn't think he'd be that upset. The bloke didn't drink at all." He slipped his shirt over his head and I caught another whiff of him.
"Probably because you consumed the whole bar before anyone else had the chance to." I walked over to my bed and sat down, staring at him as he placed his hands behind him to steady himself.
He closed his eyes and let his head fall to his shoulder. I couldn't help but stare a little longer. The way the alcohol made him feel so comfortable to undress around me made me want to giggle, but I was still so upset with him.
"He was really upset. It was quite bloody pathetic if you ask me. I thought I was going to have to kick his ass."
"Imagine how upset he'd be if he found out the only guy that I've been kissing is you."
"I don't even want to think about that." He mumbled and I didn't know how to take his response.
"I need a girlfriend." He muttered on before scrunching his face up.
I raised my eyes brows at the alarming statement.
"I'm sorry?"
"Don't feel flattered, I'm not asking you." I rolled my eyes, he was back to being an asshole.
"That's what you owe me."
"A girl? What do you think this is?" I was amused at his request but still angry.
"No. Not a real one. I need one that I can take home over the break. One that my mum would believe."
"Why not just tell your mom the truth? That her son is a drunk asshole and no girls want to date that?" I crossed my arms over my chest and he sat up again and opened his eyes only to narrow them.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in any position to judge what I lie about?"
"Why don't you just tell him already? You obviously want to. Just get it over with!"
"No! He's my friend and I'm not going to be the one to permanently break his heart."
We were almost screaming at each other, I shook my head and looked anywhere else but him. I hated how worked up he made me feel.
"So you want me to find you a fake girlfriend?"
"I'm flying back home to London for Christmas. I need a girl for two weeks."
"And you think asking me for help, because I obviously have so many girl friends, is a good idea why?"
He smirked, "I never said I thought it was a good idea. But I think it'll be hard for you. So good luck."
Alexis immediately came to mind. I know she would be down to go anywhere in the world, especially if it involved going with a cute guy. But with her barely speaking to me, the chances of her getting back to the texts would take forever.
"I'm buying the tickets next week." Hero barely mumbled before laying back drunkenly on the bed.
It only took a few minutes before he was snoring and I sighed, happy our conversation was over.
I threw a spare pillow onto his chest and he opened his eyes as I put a blanket over him.
"Nice pajamas." He commented as I climbed back into my own bed, Sam's shirt from earlier surely showing my underwear that was now visible with the absence of the yoga pants.
When I looked back over to him to glare, he had a boyish grin on his face and his eyes were closed. I wanted so badly to be offended at his words but he was so cute it was hard to be anything but infatuated with him.
I turned the lamp off for the second time tonight and fell asleep to soft sound of his snores.