-' 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙚 - ghosts from the past
9장
"jimin what was that?" taehyung asked seriousness filling up his voice when glaring jimin up and down.
"nothing..." jimin answered shortly.
"it didn't look just nothing to me.. are you really being friends with that piece of shit??!" taehyung scoffed, feeling frustrated.
but jimin was so done with taehyung and his constant judging, the negativity that he was spreading around.
"GOSH TAEHYUNG STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING DICK ALL THE TIME!!! I TOLD U ONCE IT'S NOTHING AND I WON'T SAY IT TWICE !!!! JUST STAY OUT OF IT !!!!" jimin yelled and stood up, walking away from the cafeteria.
the whole cafeteria went quiet and everyone's eyes were attached to jimin. more drama, sometimes it made jimin wonder if they really were at university but the again it made sense, koreans loved gossiping.
"what are y'all looking at?! mind ur own god damn business" he was never the aggressive type of person which was surprising for everyone, he barged out leaving everyone flabbergasted.
"what the heck is wrong with him?!" hoseok mumbled.
"I don't know but he is acting like an asshole" jin rolled his eyes, taking a spoonful of rice in his mouth.
"it must be because of jeon jungloser" namjoon sighed.
"we need to get rid of that dipshit before jimin is like him, maybe his parents moving back to busan is what made him like this" taehyung sighed.
_
finally it was time for the last lesson where jimin and jungkook both were. it was the theory of music.
jungkook knew all the gossips about him and jimin, he hated to be in the spotlight so he just decided to ignore jimin from now on. everyone already knew that they were roommates and he didn't want to make the rumors worse and ruin jimin's reputation.
he felt jimin staring at him many times but he kept his dull neutral face, avoiding jimin's eyes or even the direction he was at.
all of the sudden, jungkook's phone buzzed inside if his pocket informing that he got a new message which took him by a surprise since no one ever messaged or called him unless it was about work.
he looked at the screen of his phone to see a text from an unknown number.
010-543-7993 ;
- Hey Kookie...
Jungkook;
- who's this?
010-543-7993 ;
- No need to be all rude..
Jungkook;
- I don't think i said anything rude, it's pretty usual to ask from an unknown person who they are.
010-543-7993 ;
Okay okay wait!!! It's me Junghyun.
jungkook's heart stopped beating for a moment, his breath got stuck in his throat and phone dropped on the floor leaving a loud thud behind. jungkook was shocked and needed time to take this all in.
could it really be junghyun? his brother who left him when jungkook was young, the person who made their parents turn against jungkook.
"mr. jeon? eveything okay?" the teacher asked, noticing the state of his student. jungkook blinked his eyes few times, coming back to his senses.
" oh.. y-yes. I'm sorry for interrupting.." jungkook apologised and quickly grabbed his phone from the floor.
jimin on the other hand was giving worried looks to jungkook who was back at texting to someone.
Jungkook;
- I'll block u.
010-543-7993 ;
- You have changed so much Kookie.. where is the sweet little person who always wanted to play with me and treated everyone with some much love??
Jungkook;
- look, I was a kid and now I'm not. I don't know where you got my number from but I'd appreciate if you deleted it. we have nothing to do with each other anymore.
010-543-7922 ;
- Please Kookie don't block me!!!!
I am so deeply sorry for everything that happened. I wanna make it up to you, I'm still your brother and I wanna take care of you. I know what you've been through, please give me a chance.
Jungkook;
- if you were my brother, you would've taken me with you but you left me with those monsters. to me you're just one of those people who turned their back to me. there's nothing between us anymore. goodbye.
jungkook could feel the lump in his throat and his eyelids getting heavier due yhe tears that were wanting to push through. heart heavy as if giant rocks in a sack was placed there instead.. it felt like a rock slide had fell down onto his chest, pressing his lungs down. he couldn't possibly cry now, not in the classroom in fornt of the eyes of many.
in fact, he always had the feeling that this was bound to happen. he knew that this day would come, where he would have to take a step back to his past.
jimin was looking at jungkook. he noticed that he was texting with someone and saw his expression saddening. jungkook was pressing his nails on his skin, looking nervous.
you're so weak.
"jungkook-ah.." jimin whispered but jungkook ignored him.
"yah jungkook-ah.. I know you can hear me.. are you alright?" jimin kept asking, jungkook didn't look at him but nodded quickly, he knew if he would meet his eyes with jimin, he might not be able to hold his tears in.
jimin was about to ask something until the teacher spoke to jungkook.
"jeon jungkook, is my teaching boring you?"
"uh no, I'm so sorry teacher, but I must go now." jungkook excused himself and exited the classroom rather quickly, not giving a chance for the teacher to even approve or disapprove. jungkook never skipped classes but he just couldn't be there right now. he felt vulnerable and he hated it. he hated how much his past still affected him.
if you would've given up years ago, you wouldn't be in pain right now.
junghyun obviously needs something from you, why else wait so long? there's absolutely no one who cares about you just release this emotion how you usually do-
"shut up.." jungkook whispered as he was walking fast towards his dorm, feeling his head pounding and the voices getting louder, the voices that has been haunting him as long as he can remember.
maybe he needs money
he probably knows that you got quite a lot of money after your grandma died
you are so pathetic if you really think that he cares about you
you are just fucked up loser, a bully
fuck the promises you gave to your grandma
she didn't care about you, just do it if u want she doesn't care, no one does
or kill yourself this world don't need you
the world spins without you
love is all you need, but if no one loves you then why are you even here at the first place?
jungkook was sitting on the bathroom floor, cold pale tiles underneath him holding him and his heavy burdens. pulling his hair, scratching his arms and thighs, he did anything to distract himself in the least disastrous way. he could feel the panic and anxiety arising in his chest, his throat and stomach - the nauseating feeling climbing up, he couldn't breathe properly. mind slowly giving up about staying strong and fighting through this feeling, he knew he was about to break a promise.
a small metal blade was laying right next to him on the white tiled floor, and the boy was fighting between taking it or not. tears pouring out of his eyes, cheeks soaked, heart pounding too fast and hands shaking - he was getting suffocated.
"ARGGHHHHGG" a painful scream escaped his lips. the images of his brother and his family, his parents hitting him. it just got louder and louder and everything came back to him.
the way to know that a person is actually still vulnerable and has unhealed wounds is when something surprising suddenly happens which might make the unhealed wounds to bleed again - for example some ghosts from the past who had hurt them in some way would come back, it causes them to react in a big way, they would feel like the whole world was crashing onto their shoulders and they couldn't breathe anymore, as if they were free falling and their lungs were failing them, soon to be crashing on the ground either way. that's why these heavy feelings should be dealt and sorted out.
they will always follow you to the present time if you leave them hanging.
for jungkook it felt like he had no time to heal due the bad things just continuing to happen. everytime he's one step closer to peace, he goes two steps back. maybe he wasn't made for finding his peace, he wondered whether he was supposed to survive and still eventually just give up. he has untreated wounds that will always be holding him back, untreated burdens and issues, his mind will always take him back to the painful events he shall never forget.
he needed distraction.
his grandma always said that he needed some good distraction, and that there was no need to go as far as tainting your beautiful skin. she showed him that painting can be good or boxing would be a great way to release the bad feelings, anger, sorrow.
but now jungkook couldn't think about those kind of things. he just needed to get rid of those words in his head, the images of his parents, his brother, his best friend, his grandma. he wanted his head empty, no thoughts at all, inner peace and steady heartbeat. he needed a release from this suffocating cloud that had landed on top of him. this is why a lot of people would lean towards alcohol or drugs, but for jungkook it was enough to make himself bleed, an open wound lets out it's inner demons.
tw
he grabbed the small metallic blade from the tiled floor, placing a long cut on his left wrist. he sighed heavily, squeezing his hand into a fist and finally letting out his frustrations and shifting the emotional pain to his arm. he sighed in pleasure of feeling his head emptying as his thoughts were focused on how much his arm was aching, the sight of the red tears falling down his skin felt satisfying. a rotten blood of his got out, a relief following after.
he kept doing it, slicing the cold metal on different parts of his skin. everywhere was physically aching, he threw his head back against the wall, sighing loudly.
you're doing well. what deeper it better!
he breathed out heavily, feeling himself relaxing.
all he felt was physical pain which he preferred over emotional pain. he finally stopped after he had made dozens of bleeding red lines on his own personal canvas. his body felt sore.
as he stood up, he almost stumbled and fell due the dizziness that took over but quickly recovered from that, he took a look at his own body that was aching and bleeding. he lifted his gaze to look at himself on the mirror and when looking into his own eyes, he immediately started crying again. the disgust took over him this time.
he saw his bleeding arms and thigh. he saw his messy hair, puffy face and dead looking tired eyes. his body made him upset, he has hated his scars all his life - the scars left from the past. and now he kept adding to them.
"oh no.."
"why did I do this.."
"i am so sorry granny.. please forgive I broke the promise.. " painful whispers left his mouth.
he felt guilty for letting himself go immediately when something went wrong. he sobbed as he kneeled back down on the floor, clutching and hitting his chest as he couldn't get the air go though.
"I-I hate myself so much.. I'm so sorry.." jungkook whispered, leaning against the wall but immediately went quiet.
"jungkook-ah?? are you here?"
jimin came running into the dorm and rushing into jungkook's room unil he realized that jungkook was in the bathroom. jungkook quickly stood up, panicking since the last thing he wanted was jimin to witness something jungkook at his lowest, his weakest.
he had thankfully locked the door so jimin couldn't just barge in and cause himself an heart attack and bully the shit out jungkook which he doubted he would so, but jimin just knocked on the door.
"is everything okay? are you alright? did something happen?" jimin's voice was calm and so full of worry, he was sure he heard jungkook sniffling and felt his heart aching. for some reason jimin's voice felt somewhat comforting for jungkook, he calmed down almost immediately.
"oh, uhm.. no I'm fine.." jungkook stuttered, still clutching his tight chest. jimin was quiet for a second until he sighed heavily.
"no jungkook you're not.."
__
edited chapter
word count; 2142