When they first started again, it was just at night. Sam could handle that, he'd wake up, and then just lie in bed waiting for Dean to wake up. It was fine, he was coping.
It had been a month now since Dean had found Sam, and still they hadn't really had a proper talk. Sam didn't want to talk about it, but he knew he'd have to, they always say a problem shared is a problem halved. So he decided that today would be the day, he glanced over at the clock in the scummy motel room and say it was 4am, perfect. Enough time for Sam to sort out what he was going to say before Dean woke up.
Sam started to hear Dean stir at around 8am. So, Sam did what he always did, lay back down and pretended to be asleep until Dean woke him up. It wasn't ideal, but it was something. So it happened like it always did, Dean got up, then walked over and shook Sam "awake", same old same old, but today Sam was going to make it different.
"Hey Dean? I need to talk to you about something, well not just something, The something." Dean spun back around as he'd been walking away from Sam's bed.
"Oh! Okay, well, do you wanna eat first, or are you ready now?" typical Dean, always worrying about food and Sam's eating. Even though it'd been a month, and Sam was slowly but surely returning to his normal size, he was less muscle now but he looked a lot more like a normal alive human being now rather than an ex junkie.
"Now, I feel like if I don't do it now, I may never say it. So you're probably wondering why I left in the first place. Well, in all honestly, I thought it was because you were disgusted with me because of what Lucifer did to me in hell. Now, I know, it sounds stupid but you wanted the whole truth so that's what I'm trying to do here okay." Sam took a few deep breaths before continuing, "I know it was stupid of me to run off without telling you, or just waiting for you to get back to actually talk it through. And I honestly didn't mean to go this long without speaking to you man, everything just got out of hand really. It was the day I left, that I took my first hit, and first used my knife to get Lucifer out of my head, it was a way of coping Dean. It was a tough time, and I was alone. I know it was down to me that I was alone, and I realized it was a mistake so soon after I left, but I just couldn't face you the way I was. I just thought you'd think of me as pathetic and disgusting, and I just couldn't bear to see that look on your face, the one you give to the things we hunt, because I know I wasn't any better than them. But I'm trying now Dean, I'm trying so hard to stay on track, I'm so grateful you found me when you did, I know if you hadn't I probably wouldn't have been around for much longer. You brought a hope back to me that I'd lost such a long time ago, and I know how much you hate these chick flick moments, but I just had to let you know how sorry I am for everything I put you through this last year, it never really occurred to me how much you actually cared, my judgement was so clouded, and I'm so sorry, for everything Dean." Sam's hands were shaking now as he looked away from Dean waiting to see his response.
"Sammy, man." Sam felt Dean's hand slowly hold his wrists and turn them over to look at his scars again, "I could never, ever be disgusted in you Sammy. You're my little brother, my whole world. I'd do anything or you man, I hate myself every day for letting that shit happen to you in hell. I wish every day it could have been me there and not you. I was the worst big brother at the time you needed me most, and I'll never forgive myself for letting you leave that motel room. I know you're changed now, and things will never be the same between us, but I swear I will spend every last waking minute of my god dammed life looking out for you Sammy. I don't do it simply because dad drilled it into me all those years ago, I do it because it's what I want to do that, it's all I've ever wanted to do was protect you Sammy, I know I failed you then, but I will never, never fail you again, and if you ever, and I mean ever, want to talk about this, it's completely cool, I'll let you be the exception to the chick flicks rule." Sam slowly looked back up into Dean's eyes, and he knew he was being completely serious, it was a rare thing to see Dean like this his green eyes full of remorse and regret, and Sam knew he couldn't have been more serious in that moment.
It was just another part of Dean, that Sam had missed so much more than he'd realized.
"Dean I-"
"Hey man it's cool alright, I know, me too."
Sam knew he should tell Dean about the return of Lucifer in his head, but he would get through it, him and Dean were finally okay, they didn't need this to think about again, it was just unnecessary and Sam didn't want to feel like a burden anymore.
Dean sat on the end of Sam's bed for about 10 minutes, just sat comfortably in each others company before Dean finally got up to sort out breakfast.
"Well then man, I'd say for this momentous occasion, we actually have something home cooked for breakfast, what do you say?"
"I say, do you even know how to use a kitchen!?"
"Oh Sammy, how little you know about your big brother, get ready, and I shall prepare a meal that will blow your taste buds away!"
Dean smiled and stood up to go fetch some supplies for his monster breakfast and he could swear, just as he was leaving the door, he actually heard Sam chuckle behind him. Oh there it was, that smile on his face, was't going anywhere any time soon.
Dean collected all the supplies he needed for breakfast, all the essentials, bacon, sausages, eggs, pancake mix, syrup, fruit, juice, and bread, everything for the ultimate breakfast. He arrived back at the motel room, and heard that Sam was in the shower so set to work on the breakfast.
When it was done, Dean couldn't help but admire his work, there was a stack of pancakes drizzled in syrup with fruit decoratively placed for Sam's sake, an awesome fry up consisting of bacon, sausages, eggs and toast, all cooked to absolute perfection Dean might add. Then he placed one glass of juice at either end of the table, with a jug of coffee in the middle and stood back just as Sam walked out the bathroom.
"Holy shit Dean that looks amazing!" Dean turned around and saw Sam smiling, a real smile, that actually reached his eyes, and found himself matching the smile subconsciously. If Sam was happy, he was happy. "I didn't even know you knew how to cook!"
"Ah Sammy, it's just one of my many talents" Dean went to go sit down at the table, shortly followed by Sam, where they ate the marvellous breakfast until both of them were completely full.
"Oh wow Dean, that was like seriously amazing man, you should cook more often!" When Sam noticed the look on Dean's face he chuckled again and said "I'm serious Dean! You should show off these skills more! I tell you, women dig a man that can cook!"
Dean laughed to himself as he got up to clear the plates away when he nearly dropped one of them as Sam started speaking again.
"Hey man, I did a bit of research while you were out, I hope you don't mind I kinda borrowed your laptop, but anyway, I found us a small job just outside of town, it sounds like a normal spirit doing a bit of haunting, normal salt and burn job, you know to ease back into things?"
"Are you sure you're ready for that man, it's only been a month, and you haven't really done much training yet?"
"Dean, if I don't start even trying to get back into it now, I'll never try, and I meant what I said, I do miss hunting, and I think we should give this a go."
"Well okay then Sammy, if you say you're good, then you're good. We'll leave in 20 alright?" Dean continued clearing things up again, he was happy Sam wanted to get back out there and start hunting again, but he couldn't help but have a bad feeling about it.
Dean was ready to go just as Sam finished gathering up all the weapons that were dotted around, he let Sam go out the room first and before he left he quickly salted the windows and around the door, just in case something bad happened and something ended up following them back, he didn't want anything else to go wrong for them.
Sam was right, the house where the spirit was meant to be was only about a 20 minute drive away, so Dean took it nice and slowly. They weren't in any hurry, and Dean was always more careful in towns as if they got picked up by the cops, they would have one hell of an explanation to do, so he drove at the speed limit, even with Sam's obvious sighs in the background.
They arrived at the house where the spirit was doing it's business, so far it had only hurt one woman, but luckily it wasn't serious, so most people would just brush it off as an accident, but anything that was stated as an accident in Sam and Dean's life rarely ever was, so they went and checked it out, and sure enough came out with a pretty high reading on the EMF meter. Sam went back outside to fetch the salt rounds for the shotguns, when he heard the door of the house slam behind him.
"Dean!!" Sam ran back up the door and tried kicking it down but to no avail, it was like door was cemented shut.
"Sammy! hey hey don't worry alright, I'm fine, just get the stuff and try and get the door open. I think there's an axe in the trunk if all else fails. I'm just going to have a look around see if I can find out anymore more on who the spirit might be from something inside the house, seeing as it can't leave it must be latching onto something in here."
"Okay Dean, but be careful alright I'll be in there soon." With that Sam turned away to go back to the car, as Dean turned around and started walking further into the house.
Dean was wondering around inside when he stepped on a floorboard that made a very unnatural creak. Basement. Dean removed the rug that was on top of top of the floorboards, and sure enough, there was a little hatch that would probably lead to the basement, so he slowly lifted it up to be greeted by a smell that can only be described as death.
Sam was making his way back to the door axe in hand when he heard a yell come from inside the house.
"Dean!" Sam rushed to the door and started hammering the axe into it when he heard no response from his older brother. When he finally broke through enough of the door for him to fit through, he stood in the house all alone. There was no sight of Dean.
"DEAN!" Sam called out again, hoping that he might here something back, and he stood dead still trying not to make a sound when he thought he heard a faint sound coming from somewhere underneath him.
Sam walked around the room trying to find some sort of hatch of whole or something when he heard a very creaky floorboard underneath a rug. He removed the rug and saw that the hatch was unlocked but had fallen shut, Sam slowly lifted the hatch not really knowing what to find, but the smell hit him straight away, it was something rotting.
He slowly began to ease his way down the staircase, and slowly but surely began to hear noises coming from the far side of the room. He held his flash light out in front of him to create a narrow beam of light into the dark abyss of the basement. He slowly lowers the light, so the beam is sweeping around the edge of the basement floor when he sees Dean in a heap on the floor.
Sam drops the light at the sight of Dean and rushed over to help him,
"Dean! Are you okay??"
"Yeah Sammy I'm fine, just got a busted ankle, I don't think I can walk on it, so you'll have to finish off the spirit yourself then come get me alright, damn son of a bitch pushed me down the stairs!"
Sam nodded and walked back over to get to light, leaving it with Dean so he could see around the basement easier without being in the dark. He was slowly moving the beam of light around when it came to rest on a large sack that had a very dark tinge to the bag. As soon as Sam saw where Dean was pointing, he knew exactly what it was, blood.
Sam slowly walked over to it, he had to hold in a gag as he got closer as the smell was so repulsive. He inched closer and slowly opened up the sack, he instinctively threw his arm over his mouth as he started gagging into it, if the smell wasn't bad enough, then the sight of human remains, hacked up and shoved in a sack, was enough to make anyone feel sick. Sam quickly dig the bag back up and walked away from it, he made a mental note to salt and burn the remains before they left.
Sam continued to walk around the basement, searching for anything that didn't belong, or looked like an old heirloom of some sort, and came across an old necklace that was in a glass box and looked like it hadn't been touched in decades. He slowly opened the box and felt the all too familiar feeling of the temperature dropping around him.
"Sammy" Sam heard Dean's warning and knew he needed to get to work quickly, quickly coated the necklace in fuel and then salted it before lighting a match and throwing it onto the necklace just as the spirit appeared behind him. He spun around as he watched the ghost go up in flames with a ear piecing cry. As soon as it was gone, Sam rushed over to Dean to get him out of there, he helped him up the stairs before going back down into the basement and burning the remains. Then it was their time to leave, after quickly wiping his and Dean's prints down, he helped Dean into the car and drove them back to the motel.
It was on the drive back that he first started hearing Lucifer again,
Oh Sammy, how could you let your brother get hurt like that
You were supposed to be watching out for him Sam
He was right, you're not fit to be a hunter anymore
You're weak
You're useless
It's your fault Dean's in pain
You failed.
Sam tried to ignore it, but Lucifer kept talking in his head all the way back to the motel. They arrived and Sam helped Dean back into the room before laying him down on the bed and proceeded to patch up his ankle, it wasn't broken, just a bad sprain, but Sam couldn't help but feel guiltier and guiltier as he watched Dean wince in pain as he was bandaging it.
After he finished bandaging it, and giving Dean some pain medication for the pain, Dean slowly fell asleep. That was when Sam finally saw Lucifer when he was awake again. Sam ran away from Lucifer's form and retreated to the bathroom where he locked the door behind him, and then fell the to the floor with his back against the door.
He couldn't help feeling that what Lucifer was saying was right, he had failed Dean. He'd let him down, and now Dean was hurt. It was his fault Dean was in the pain he was in, and Sam had got out of it completely fine. That wasn't right.
Lucifer appeared before Sam in the bathroom, and Sam wanted nothing more than to get him out of his head again. He didn't want to let Dean down, he really didn't, but he couldn't cope with the continuous taunting him and continuously yelling in Sam's mind. It would drive him crazy.
He knew how to get Lucifer out, but he really didn't want to do it, it would be letting Dean down yet again, but Sam didn't have a choice. He had to do it.
He slowly reached down and felt the familiar handle of the blade next to his ankle and slowly raised it in front of him. The tears had started to fall now, because no matter how little Sam wanted to do this, he had to. He was helpless, and couldn't fight Lucifer off without the pain drawing him back to reality.
He took the knife and held it against his skin, the coldness of the blade making a few of his hairs stand on end before he slowly dragged the blade through the skin just above his elbow. He knew he should tell Dean, but he couldn't, so felt that here it would be easier to hide the cuts from Dean's wondering gaze. Sam felt the blood start to drip down his arm, as he made another cut, and then another. The feeling was familiar to Sam, and although he simply couldn't understand why, it made him feel better. Safer, now that he was alone once more.