Aman had written in his letters that for years after our estrangement, his day had always began with a morning ritual; watching me water the plants in our garden. Creepy, isn't it? And yet I found it sexy.
...My life was empty save for those thirty minutes or so, he'd written. "Watching you take care of those plants like you do. Showing restraint on some and lavishly treating some, with your love evident. It was a gift, Reima, one I knew I didn't deserve but accepted nevertheless. However I couldn't help but feel some resentment towards you. How can you take care of these plant for the longest time, saving some from near death even but somehow had let what we had succumbed to neglect? It simply wasn't fair."
It was a gift, he'd said, one he didn't deserve, but I can't help but think him wrong. Not sure I blame him though
I was after all, someone he loved and who had loved him. Someone he'd spoken to daily, looked forward to seeing and have his heart flutter about just by simply thinking was in his life. And then suddenly he got shut out completely and everything that had once made sense began to haunt him. There was nothing to look forward to. No school, no meeting in the forest. No nothing. Just like that.
...It was easier when you hated me, Rei, at least I knew I was in your thoughts somehow. But I had lost that too. Maybe that was why I stopped coming to your place, and had left the country finally. I needed to find a way to while away my sense of loss. Because the truth was, I had loss you
I remember asking my mom one time who took care of my garden when I was kidnapped. She had looked strangely at the garden too, clearly at a loss how the plants hadn't shrivelled or at most, died. It was December and I had been gone for almost a year now. But I know who saved them now. It was Aman
He had watered them day and night.
...I finally felt hope, Reima. I hadn't felt anything but pain those past years without you but in the blooming of those plants, I found peace. I could feel them speaking to me, missing me, especially on those mornings I missed watering them. I would find them all morose and gloomy. And then when I do come and water them, I could feel their happiness radiating. It made me happy and gave me something to look forward to. And not once have I ever faltered in my desire to keep them company and take care of them. However that too went down the drain when I found out that you had been kidnapped, knowing it was partly my fault you were. I just knew I had to get you back even if I risked losing you again. But after all that, I simply couldn't go back even though a part of me always keeps missing it, desiring to go back and see them, touch them once more. But I know I had lost that too the moment I decided to leave.
This too, was typical of him. Never giving people second chances.
Not that I was any better.
However thinking about my life with Aman always makes me remember the white rose I had planted with my dad when I was ten. It was already an unusual occurrence having the white rose grow despite the environmental factors against it but then before I realized it, it had withered and died. It had suddenly become old and despite surviving the harsh climatic conditions, despite the adequate sunlight and water, I couldn't save it. Nothing could.
...Why did bad things have to happen to us, Rei? We were good people, I know we were. And now I don't know anymore. I stare into the mirror and I don't even know who I was or what I was supposed to be anymore. I stare at the mirror and Rei, I realize I am nothing, nothing.
But he wasn't nothing. I know he wasn't. But I can't tell him that, ever.
Aman wasn't the villian in my story, he was my knight in shining armor but sometimes, a damsel in distress didn't need saving, she needed to feel needed, wanted, to feel that she mattered and that was something he couldn't understand. Aman simply couldn't understand that I wasn't a sweet and delicate flower, I was a strong and resilient weed.
He couldn't just take a bullet for me and expect me to allow him waltz back into my life.
No, he couldn't
And yet even though my thoughts were littered with Aman, my prayers remained with Jabir. He is my silent prayer and a prayer I hoped would be heeded. And I missed him, terribly.
I had swallowed my pride earlier today and called Raihana to see if she had heard anything, she was after all his stepsister's BFF, but she didn't pick up. And after trying to call her for the fifth time, I gave up. She wasn't going to pick. I know her enough to know she was ignoring me. Something was wrong. I just know it.
And to make matters worse, I think my mom was avoiding me. She was rarely at home and whenever she was, she avoided having eye contact with me. And when you've lived your whole life with someone who always maintained eye contact with you whenever you are having a conversation, you notice easily when something was wrong.
I just didn't know what.
She had even surprised me by sending me a text message an hour after she left home;
Be ready in two hours, we'll be traveling to Katsina by 12pm
I didn't understand why she hadn't just said so this morning before leaving. I was ecstatic anyway. She knew I had been worried sick about Jabir's sudden disappearance and that going to Katsina now would be a good thing to me, even though she knew I hated going there.
But somehow I think something was very wrong about the timing of the whole journey. If it was because of Jabir, she could have asked me to go alone, why was she coming along? What was she hiding? I know it wasn't deliberate when she'd hid Aman from me but what was she hiding again?
I was almost tempted to tell her I have gotten my memories back and that it was okay, I know everything, but somehow I think that would have been a bad idea. Especially since she simply rode in silence when we had finally leave, her face clearly showing that she didn't want to be disturbed. I had alot on my plate too, so I let her be. Sending Jabir text messages after every few minutes;
I'm on my way to Katsina
Sent
And then.
I hope you are doing well?
Sent
After waiting for a while, I sent another message again
Why aren't you answering me? Sent
You are alive, aren't you?
Sent
Jay, please talk to me.
Sent
I sent one last message and then I switched off my phone.
I love you too, Jay, alot and I missed you. Please let me know if you are alright
Sent
I know I shouldn't keep tormenting myself that way but this was simply how I was wired. I worry, especially when it comes to the people I cared about, I worry obsessively. I am worried about my mom's secret, about Jabir, about Aman and I guess that can take its toil too. Or maybe it was because I was just out of the hospital. Either way, something good came out of all my worrying; I fell asleep
Peacefully and soundly.
But then I heard someone tap me gently, calling out my my name. It was my mom.
Grudgingly, I opened my eyes to see my uncle's two storeyed house staring at me. But there was something different about it. It was filled with people, mostly relatives, people I know and the air filled with festivities. And then I heard my aunt.
"Kun iso lapia?" (Did you arrive safely?)
I saw my mom nod. I can see she was restless somehow and didn't want to speak with my aunt. Though that wasn't a new occurrence, but there was something more awkward about my aunt's attempt at decorum and my mom's impatience, there was a kind of tension present, emanating a very, very bad vibe.
I stepped out of the car.
"Ina wuni, Aunty?" ( Good evening, Aunty)
She smiled at me warmly and even pulled me into a hug before she'd answered and asked about our journey, to which I had replied went well, we thank God.
If before it was merely a hunch, now I know something was definitely wrong. Either that or I am on Mars
And then I heard.
...bikin Jabiru da Raihana
At first, I thought I had imagined it, so I listened again.
....Allah sarki. Ashe ba da Reima za ayi ba.
My Jabir was getting married to my cousin Raihana. How awful can my life really get?
Really?
And I couldn't help the tears streaming down my cheeks unabashedly.