A/N - As promised, here is the recap and chapter! Whoo!
Super-quick-recap-time: Nancy is a math nerd who wants to go to Harvard, she's got friends and a crush, there's this math competition thing, Nancy and Alexander are super awkward together, friend drama happens, a cliche bus scene occurs because I'm not original, a looooot of shit goes down and Nancy isn't really talking to her friends or Alexander, they aren't talking to her, Nancy gets rejected from Harvard, her Asian parents flip out, her world basically ends, I (the author) take a vacation from Planet Writing for God knows what reason, readers want to stab me with pitchforks.
Whoo. Think I covered all the bases with that ridiculously long run-on sentence. Enjoy! I'm going to have to stay up alllll night writing my two essays thanks to you peeps lol :P (Jk I love you guys and SERIOUSLY can't believe your support! Ah!)
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What do you do when your whole life comes to a standstill, and yet the world still insists on going on? How do you react when you realize your biography could be split into two parts: Pre-Harvard Rejection and Living Death?
That was what I felt like in the days after my Harvard decision: living death. I don’t know how I made it through the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. In a sense, it wasn’t really me who cycled through the daily motions of my life. It was a shell of me.
Empty. Emotionless. Dead.
I no longer felt the drive to work hard in my AP classes or write more essays for college. I no longer wanted to put so much effort and hope into a dream only to see it crash and burn right in front of my eyes. No, never again. No more sacrifice. No more pain. No more dreaming.
I no longer knew who I was.
Nancy Pang…just who are you under the study geek surface?
I didn’t know. I didn’t know the answer to that question. Before, I’d been Nancy Pang, always at the top of her class, considered a shoo-in for Harvard by some. And now, I was…who, exactly? A pathetic girl who’d been jilted by her dream university?
Wow, what an impressive persona I’d been hiding under the studious surface. Harvard sure was going to be sorry they were missing out on all of this.
It was only now that I realized Kevin had been right for one of the only times in his life. There was no me under the study geek. I wasn’t like him. I didn’t have a whole lot of natural talent for anything in particular. Studying was all I had.
And now, even that had failed me.
It was silly, but I felt like I’d just been fed to lions by my own parents. So many hours and hopes I had invested into getting into Harvard, just like my cousin Andrew did years ago…and it had all gone to waste.
I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. How sad is that? Even my own tear ducts were against me.
With my ex-friends still (understandably) playing the Let’s Pretend Nancy Dropped Off The Face of the Planet game at school, I found that I had begun to hate the place with a burning passion—especially because the teachers kept piling up homework that I no longer cared about.
What was the point of doing all these stupid AP classes, anyway? They hadn’t gotten me into Harvard. I’d pushed myself so hard in school all these years for the sake of getting into my dream school. And now, I had nothing to show for it.
It was at quite possibly the lowest point of my life that I got a Facebook message from an unexpected person.
Alexander: Okay, I know I said I would stop bothering you, but…
Alexander: I swear I’m not a stalker.
Alexander: Nor am I creeping on you.
Alexander: I just was waiting for you to come online and…
Alexander: I’m sorry, I’ll shut up now.
I bit my lip to stop myself from grinning. Funny how I’d been two seconds away from dissolving into a snotty, sobbing mess of hysterics, and then after a few words from Alexander, a little bit of me felt like not dying. Just a little bit.
Nancy: It’s cool. What’s up?
Alexander: At the moment, a lot of potatoes.
Nancy: Lol...what?
Alexander: Mom’s cooking. Never mind. Something been...bothering you lately?
Yes, just the collapse of my entire universe. Other than that, I was dandy.
Nancy: …
Alexander: Ok, forget it. There’s something I need to talk to you about. Are you free right now?
Nancy: Yeah, I guess.
Nancy: I thought you were mad at me though…
Alexander: I am really bad at staying mad at people.
Alexander: Especially you.
Alexander: I’M SORRY. I don’t know why I keep saying creepy things
Nancy: Haha, no worries :) I’m sorry, too. About...a lot of stuff. Let’s meet up.
Alexander: Great! I’m at Starbucks right now.
Nancy: I’ll be there in ten minutes.
It was more like half an hour, partially because of my depressed, droopy style of walking I’d invented, and partially because I spent the first twenty minutes freaking out about what I was going to wear. As soon as I walked through the doors of the local Starbucks, my eyes landed upon Alexander and my heart did a cliche little pitter-patter that made me weak-kneed and self-hating at the same time. Alexander was dressed in casual jeans and a Math Olympiad T-shirt, which was sexy.
I know. I found it sexy. Tell me more about my messed-up hormones.
Alexander waved me over. Sexily. God, I really needed to straighten myself out.
“Sorry I’m late,” I said. I tried to smoothly slide into the seat next to him, got too nervous when Alexander smiled at me, and nearly did a butt-plant onto the ground.
“Wow, you are having a rough week,” he commented.
I scowled. “Thank you, Alexander. Thank you. I hadn’t realized.”
The left corner of his cheek pulled up into a grin. “Not bad enough that you’ve lost your sense of humor, I see.”
“The sarcasm’s still a bad habit. I’m working on it.”
Alexander shrugged. “Eh, beats biting fingernails. Yuck.”
“I’m still working on that, too,” my stupidity said before my brain was able to smack it down.
“Oh…”
After a slightly awkward lapse in conversation in which Alexander pretended not to check out my fingernails while I pulled my hands out of view and pretended I hadn’t noticed him checking out my fingernails, he picked up his latte and then glanced at the empty spot in front of me. “Don’t you want to get something to drink?”
“Nah. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.”
“Ah…” Alexander said, raising his eyebrow knowingly.
“Ah...what?”
“Actually, I called you out today to talk to you about just that.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You want to discuss my eating habits? I’ll have you know that I’m not anorex—”
“No, no. Not your eating habits.” Alexander took a long sip from his cup and then looked me squarely in the eye. “I want to talk to you about the problems behind them.”
“How do you know about what’s been…?” Then it hit me. “Oh. My parents told you about what happened, didn’t he?”
Alexander tilted his head to the side. “No, they didn’t.”
“Really? Hm.” It made sense. If my daughter failed at life, I wouldn’t be too eager to tell the world about it either.
“Feel free to tell me anything, Nancy. I’m here as your friend today.” Alexander’s cheeks darkened. “I mean, that much was obvious. I’m just your friend. I don’t know why I thought I needed to…you know, I think I’m just going to drink my latte before I say something really weird.”
I couldn’t help it. I snorted. And then laughed. I laughed a lot, until my sides hurt, until I was practically rolling on the ground in mirth and everyone in the restaurant probably thought I was the one-woman circus show. “Oh, God,” I wheezed toward Alexander’s thoroughly bemused expression, “you’re hilarious. I think I needed that.”
“I’m glad you think so?”
“I really do. You’re like the funniest unintended comedian out there.”
“Gee, that’s a good resume builder. You think that will help me get into college?” Alexander joked.
It was a joke to him, but at the mention of the word ‘college’, my mood immediately plummeted. As I sat there, all the horrible feelings that had been hanging over me for the past week returned to me in a rush.
Alexander examined my face, concern bunching up his eyebrows. “Are you...okay?”
“Fine,” I murmured.
“Do you want to talk now? For real?”
“What’s there to talk about?” I said sulkily.
“Whatever has been causing...this.” Alexander gestured toward me.
"I mean, I'm sure you don't want to know the details of my conception...”
“Nancy, be serious. What's been going on?”
I scowled. “Nothing. I’m already over it.”
“You’re clearly not.”
“No, really. I’m not upset at all.”
“You just ripped several napkins in half at once.” Alexander pointed down toward my hands, which gripped the tattered remains of the complimentary napkins.
I paused. “Okay, maybe I’m a little upset.”
Alexander reached his hand out for the napkins, and I guiltily plopped them into his palm. “Good. That’s the way to go.”
“Destroying napkins?”
“Opening up.” He gave me a searching look. “Be real with me, Nancy. I’ve been there before. I know what it’s like to feel so crappy that I have to...er...abuse napkins.”
“Oh, sure. I bet you haven’t gotten rejected from the college of your dreams before,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
Alexander leaned in closer, not looking the least bit surprised by this piece of news. “Ah. I thought it might be something like that.” He paused. “I know what that feels like.”
I perked up. “You do? Did you get rejected from Harvard, too?”
Alexander paused again. “Something like that.”
“Wow…I mean, uh, I’m sorry. That must have really sucked.” I was speaking from first-hand experience here.
Alexander’s gaze penetrated mine. “You more than anyone else should know exactly how much that sucked for me.”
Yeah. I really did. And to think that even Alexander hadn’t gotten in...man, those college admissions people were just a bunch of jerks, weren’t they?
There was another silence, but I broke it this time. “So, how did you…how did you get over the rejection?”
“The same way an aspiring actor gets over rejection, or a writer gets over rejection. I reflected on my mistakes and eventually moved on.”
Mistakes? “I didn’t make any mistakes.”
Alexander raised an eyebrow. “Then how did you, with your high scores and accomplishments, not get in?”
“I dunno. There are a ton of reasons. Race bias. Too many math geeks in the application pool. A bad admissions officer.” I felt anger boil in my blood as I thought about all the possible factors that could have caused me to lose my spot at my dream school. “Why do you think I was the one who made the mistake?”
“Ask yourself that question.”
“I’m telling you, I didn’t make any mistakes on my application!”
As if just to provoke me further, Alexander calmly took a sip of his latte and spoke to me like he would a child.“I didn’t say your mistake was in the application process itself.”
“Then where the heck was it?!”
Alexander stayed silent for a moment, studying me with a calmness that only added to my growing frustration. “I just want you to answer one question. Just one.” He leaned in. “Can you tell me why you deserved a spot at Harvard over the thousands of other applicants who had equally strong grades and test scores?”
I paused and thought for a moment. “Well, I worked—”
“And don’t give me that crap about working hard,” Alexander added. “Everyone worked hard. I worked hard, too, dammit. But other peoples’ passions toward the school were genuine, and that’s how they got in.”
“My passion toward the school is genuine,” I said indignantly.
“Is it really, Nancy?”
“Of course! I wouldn't apply to a school if I didn't want to go there in the first place.”
Alexander had a knowing look on his face that almost ticked me off. Almost. I liked that face too much to fully hate it. “You’re sure it’s not just a byproduct of your parents’ wishes for you?”
I stood up. “This is a really stupid conversation,” I said through gritted teeth. “I’m leaving.”
“Are you leaving because this conversation is stupid, or because you’re angry that I might be right?”
At that, I whirled around and all the pent-up rage and frustration and disappointment and disgust that had built up over the past days simply burst out. “Yes, you’re right. I’m just your typical Asian math geek who can’t do anything but study. My bad for applying to Harvard.”
“Is that all you think of yourself, Nancy? That studying is all you can do?” Alexander demanded.
“Yeah, I’m just a boring study geek!” I shouted, losing my temper. “Sorry to disappoint!”
Alexander shook his head sadly. “You’re much more than just grades and standardized test scores. God, I wish you knew just how special you are.”
My cheeks burned, but not from anger. From embarrassment. “What...what are you saying?”
“When I look at you, I see a strong-willed girl who doesn’t let anything get in the way of her dreams. I see a little sister who doesn’t fully understand her brother but will have his back in the end anyway, because that’s just how strong her sense of sibling responsibility is.” At this, I gave a guilty jolt, but Alexander continued without noticing. “I see a loving daughter, a promising mathematician, and—above all—a girl who other girls can look up to and say, ‘I want to be as smart and determined as her someday’.”
“You’re just flattering me now,” I said quietly, still flushing. I had no idea Alexander could be this philosophical and...wordy. How could he express his feelings so easily?
“Nah.” He smiled. Then, as if he realized all at once all the embarrassing crap he'd just spewed, his face turned red. “Just telling it like it is.”
“Like it is?” I scoffed. “I think...I think you’re amazing, Alexander.” The instant the words slipped out of my mouth, I panicked and inwardly smacked myself. What was this, Emotional Rejects’ Hour?
“Oh?” Alexander grinned and leaned back in his chair. “Care to elaborate?”
I blushed. Furiously. I turned beet-red like nobody’s business. But for one, I swallowed my embarrassment and opened up. “Don’t let this go to your head, but I think you’re an incredible guy. I always wanted to be like you. I still want to be like you. You’re so good at...everything. And my parents adore you.”
“Are you serious?” Alexander said, tilting his head to the side like he was genuinely confused.
I nodded, and then sighed. “On the other hand, I’m not as amazing as you think I am. I couldn’t even get into Harvard.”
“But look at what you did do. You won a state-wide math tournament, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Be proud of what you have accomplished in your lifetime, Nancy. Not many can claim similar-caliber accomplishments. Not many at all.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I still…”
Alexander sighed in frustration. “Geez, I can’t believe you’re letting one admissions decision affect you like this. Get over your infatuation with that ridiculously overpriced school, Nancy.”
“Ridiculously…overpriced?”
“Harvard is not the judge of how smart and hard-working you are, not does rejection mean you’re not capable or worthy of attending it. Only you know yourself well enough to judge your abilities.” Alexander spread his hands and indicated himself. “Look. I got rejected from my dream school, too. Yet here I am, perfectly happy and ready to go on an entirely different path in life at a different college.
“How you react to this setback now determines the real strength of your character, Nancy. We all fall short of our goals now and then. That’s just the nature of being human. The important thing is that we have the courage to pick ourselves up again. Failure can only make you stronger, and the best payback is success. Remember that.”
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A/N - Wow, Alexander gets SUPER philospical in this chapter and I'm not sure why. He's like...modern boy Confucious, haha. Let me know your thoughts on this chapter after this looooong break from writing :) It feels really good to be writing again! I'll definitely try to keep up a regular schedule, so please keep reading/voting/commenting! You guys rock.
Also, I'm planning to make this like a trilogy thing and I really want to write a story from Jenny's POV (I'm talking to those of you who read 'Heroes Deep Within'). I'm just throwing around ideas at the moment, so if you have any input, let me know! Thanks!