Seeing people smile is possibly one of my favourite things. There are so many types of smiles: forced ones for photos you don’t want to be in, sugar laced smiles, flirty smirks, bashful smiles, your-face-will-split-if-you-grin-any-wider smiles, and many more. A smile of accomplishment, however, was what everyone was wearing in the studio now.
Adam had just told us that although our studio work was done, we’d have to set off to the ‘secret location’ in half an hour, so we could have a break until then. Upon hearing this, everyone present had slowly started to trickle away or clump into little groups of conversation. Eventually, this only left me, Chris, Rhys, Adam, Steve, Jimmy, Dan and all of the other guests behind on set. Even then, this group dispersed and broke off as Dan went to go and change out of his Medwig costume and Chris and his fellow producers went to go and look at playback footage. I could clearly hear the sounds of Chris’ introductions playing through the tinny speakers of the small play back screen which only made me more excited to see the final article in a month’s time.
All of the YouTubers who were still present were standing together against Mia’s desk in a small circle of conversation that Dan joined again a few minutes later. I, on the other hand, was comfortably unwinding by sitting on PJ’s desk whilst scrolling through my Tumblr feed, giving the illusion that I was actually busy.
Becca’s wig and glasses were piled on the desk beside me whilst I took a break from her character. It had been fun to let my inner fangirl take control, but competing in an egg and spoon race as her was definitely going to be a task. I just had to hope that it wouldn’t be too strenuous, seeing as the most exercise that I’d done recently was manoeuvring my way around London every day.
Now that I actually had some free time in my week for these thirty minutes, I was verging on being bored and fed up of it all. After twenty minutes, I was honestly bored out of my mind and couldn’t wait to just have something to do. I was tempted to ask where the nearest toilet was just to simply have something to do with myself. Should I do that, ask where the toilet is? Ah, the entertaining thoughts of a bored person.
I found myself walking over to the circle of YouTubers and gently easing my way to stand between Jimmy and Mia, who had Dan’s arm around her shoulders. The whole group paused in conversation to look at me then, their eyes feeling like they were searing my skin.
“Hi, Jamie,” Jimmy and Louise said at the same time.
Louise looked to Jimmy with a childish grin. “Jinx!”
“Fucking hell,” Jimmy mumbled as he mimed zipping his lips shut.
“I bet you don’t even know his full name, Louise,” Jack chuckled, nudging Louise’s arm playfully.
Louise smiled awkwardly, obviously flustered. “I know his full YouTube name. That counts?” Jimmy laughed silently beside me, his shoulders rising and falling repeatedly.
I took this as my chance to ask Mia where the toilet was, which I did in as confident a tone of voice as I could muster.
Mia raised one corner of her mouth at me. “I’ll show you where they are, if you want? We should have enough time.”
I nodded slightly and looked to the floor awkwardly. Why couldn’t I truly be myself around these people, instead resorting to be someone who barely spoke? Was it because I’d been playing Becca for the past few hours or just because I didn’t know them well enough?
Dan kissed Mia on the forehead before he let go of her. Mia waved after him and the others as she gathered her jacket up from under her desk and the two of us left the set.
“How did you find the show?” Mia asked me as we attempted to navigate our way through the spider’s web of corridors that resided in this building.
“Good,” I said simply. “It was difficult not to laugh at times.”
“Was that because of my comic genius?” Mia chuckled. “Of course I’m joking. Chris’ sense of humour and his script writing is impressive. If he weren’t into acting, I bet he’d be a fantastic comedic script writer! I’d definitely watch any programs he wrote for.”
“Hmm, I’d maybe watch a show or two if I felt that way inclined,” I said.
“Are you trying to be subtle about how much you like his work, Jamie? I think that’s what you’re getting at, right?”
“No, of course not.”
“Whatever you say. You and Chris are very cute together, though.”
“Er, enough about me and Chris-”
“Chamie.”
“…Chamie. What I meant to say is how are you? You seemed a bit… uncomfortable earlier so…are you okay?”
Mia stopped walking abruptly, leaving me to walk on for a bit until my brain actually registered her action. At first I thought she’d stopped walking because she was thrown by my question, but she had in fact stopped outside the doors to the women’s toilets. She indicated to the toilet door with her head before silently going inside.
I tugged at my earlobe nervously before I followed Mia. Had I overstepped the line by asking her that question? ‘Are you okay’ was a question which stalked the fine line between a casual question and being the key to unlocking a serious conversation. It was like I’d readily accused her of not looking okay, which she did, but I couldn’t outright say ‘you look like shit’. I may speak my mind the majority of the time but I wouldn’t intentionally set out to hurt someone’s feelings. I want everyone to be happy, for fuck’s sake.
The door to the toilets squeaked on its glossy hinges as I eased it open. Now that I thought about it, these toilets were pristine and almost posh. The circular sinks were set into grey marble cabinets which gleamed in the lunar-light emitted by the lights, which were moulded into the ceiling and the bases of the large mirrors. It was all mood lighting in soft greys and bold white which reflected in the abundance of mirrors. YouTube didn’t hold back.
Judging by the red dot that was clearly visible on one of the toilet locks, Mia had gone inside a cubicle. She’d basically ran away from me which was a bit unsettling.
Once I’d finished in the toilet, I came out to find Mia washing her hands in the modern sinks which had hand sensors under the taps. She was repeatedly washing her hands with the foam hand soap that came out of the dispensers. I tried not to notice, but she kept gathering soap to put on her hands and I was done cleaning my hands well before she even seemed to notice that I was there.
“Um, in answer to the ‘are you okay’ question,” Mia said quietly, “I haven’t been feeling very well recently.”
Her voice had startled me after she’d seemingly been lost in a trance. “You haven’t?” I said, trying to recompose myself after jumping slightly at Mia’s sudden words. I did feel genuinely concerned for her, really.
Mia bit down on her lower lip and shook her head. She moved her hands away from the water and finally reached for a paper towel. “It’s hard to laugh when you can’t see straight from sleep deprivation.”
I leant up against the sinks next to her. “Sleep deprivation?”
She nodded. “When I’m stressed, I can hardly sleep. Chris told me how you and he aren’t sleeping too well at the moment, so I was going to ask you how you deal with it.”
“I…don’t. I sleep when I can and do something else when I can’t, helpful I know. Do you know why you’re stressed?”
Mia practically snorted as she rolled her eyes. “I’m a stressy person. The little things get to me.”
“But?”
“I’m so fed up of everything,” she gushed, her facial expression tense as she spoke. “The Phandom hate, Dan being invited to all of these events which he doesn’t go to because I can’t go and- I guess there’s old doubts, too… It’s all guilt, stress, and maybe a hint of just wanting to give up by curling up in a corner.”
Could I pry Mia away from Dan when she was feeling down? She’d mentioned him there, and what were these old doubts of hers? What was the rough patch that she and Dan had gone through? I’m nurturing her negative thoughts, aren’t I?
For the first time, I felt confused and divided on if I should be splitting up Quartzisnotonfire. Mia and Chris were perfect for each other. Being with Dan stressed and hurt Mia and then there was Chris’ long term love for this girl. But I was encouraging Mia’s negative mind-set and I knew by now that her own thoughts were her greatest weakness. What sort of friend was I to do that? Surely, if she was vaguely hurt by Dan now, she’d feel happier when she was with Chris? Was it definite that she and Chris would go out anyway? There was hope.
I slowly moved to stand right next to Mia and touch her arm in what I attempted to be a comforting manner. The motion could almost be perceived as me encouraging her to speak too, which I welcomed and so did Mia.
“It’s like I don’t know how to behave around people anymore,” she said tonelessly with her eyes glued to the tiled floor. “I feel like I have to juggle the responsibility of these relationships I have with people, keep up with uni work, YouTube, and take time out not only for myself but for Dan and well. I feel like I’m letting so many people down because I’m not being a good enough friend, student, entertainer or girlfriend, and it’s getting to me.”
“Maybe Dan doesn’t know how to act around you either,” I muttered. I was only keeping my voice low to give Mia the impression that I was talking to myself, when I was in fact trying to suggest something about Dan to her without coming across as judgemental.
“What?”
Gears groaned and cogs worked together in my head to concoct up something to say. “What if he’s embarrassed to be around you since Phil and Lynn got engaged? He could be feeling bad about it in relation to you and him.”
“You think?”
I shrugged. “How long were Phil and Lynn together before they got engaged?”
Mia swallowed loudly. “Almost nine months. They love each other. It took Jim seven years to propose to Tanya, mind.”
“Jim and Tanya?”
“YouTubers. I think Dan wouldn’t want to get married to me anyway so… I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“You’re right about Jim and Tanya, though. Different people are ready at different points, but still... Sorry, I’m probably not helping at all.” I chose to ignore her remark about Dan probably not wanting to marry her. What could I even say to that?
“It’s fine. You’re helping a lot, really,” she said softly. “Thanks, Jamie. I needed to talk to someone about this. You’re the only person I can really trust to give an unbiased opinion.”
Guilt flickered in my heart like a dancing flame. “Anytime.”
Mia smiled weakly at me before ducking her head and making for the door. “I’ll meet you outside,” she said softly as she walked away from me, her hand reaching out blindly behind her for the door handle.
I watched her go. When she was gone, I let out a large breath, making my fringe flutter on my brow. I’d finally done some more work towards RandomStickz. I’d successfully planted some seeds of doubt. Then why did I feel so bad about it? I couldn’t have possibly become emotionally invested in my task, could I?
I popped my lips together and blinked at my reflection in the mirror. I was still wearing my Becca makeup and the purple hoodie. This was what I’d invested myself in: these people. Had I made a mistake by doing that?
*
With my contemplation finally through and my thoughts on the matter being inconclusive, Mia and I walked back to the set in silence. When I’d come out of the toilets, Mia had been wringing her hands and gazing at the far wall with her eyes glazed over, completely lost in thought. She did simply shake her head and smile brightly when she saw me. That sense of minimal guilt in me still hadn’t left yet.
Chris was rushing about with the Becca wig and glasses in hand when we returned. He was practically pacing. His eyes darted to us when we entered. “What took you two so long? Last time I looked you were on your phone and you were chatting with Jimmy!” Chris exclaimed, jabbing a finger at Mia and I in turn. “And don’t you claim that you were in the toilet. No one can take that long peeing!”
I scowled. “Calm down. We’re not even late so don’t get your floral panties in a knot.”
Chris handed me the wig and glasses with a jerk of his arm. “You’re hilarious. Just don’t vanish off like that again, either of you. It’s impractical!” He turned away from us to go and talk to his writers again. “And we’re leaving in a minute so don’t disappear again!”
Mia raised her eyebrows at Chris before she gently tugged the Becca wig from my grasp. “He really does care about you, Jamie,” she whispered to me as she tried to help me put the wig back on straight. “Would he act like that otherwise?”
“He only said it because you’re here.”
Mia’s brow creased as she looked at my hairline and pulled at the wig. “We’ve been good friends for well over a year, so don’t give me some RandomStickz shit.” She paused. “Please.”
“I wasn’t,” I said innocently. She nodded as she pushed my fringe back so that it was tucked under the plastic wig hair strands.
Mia and I’s conversation seemed to peter out after that, seeing as how everyone in the studio had to work together to transfer the cameras, microphones, and tripods to this secret area we were finishing the filming at. Chris seemed to decide that I was only suitable for carrying two of the tripods. Originally I’d been set to carry the eggs in their battered green egg box but apparently my roommate didn’t think I was capable of the task.
Oddly, the walk over to our secret location didn’t take long which kind of ruined the whole surprise factor of it. Chris and Rhys, both armed with the location apps on their phones, led the way towards a concrete building just around the corner from the Creator Space. This building was large and grey, making it incredibly boring looking from the outside. Yet, from the second floor up, there were large rectangular gaps in the building on two of the sides where cars and vans were viewable behind a metal fence, adding a little variety to this boring building. My suspicions about what our secret and special location turned out to be was confirmed when I saw the square blue sign with a white ‘p’ on it. How was this place in any way special?
Jimmy, who’d been walking just off my shoulder ever since we’d left the studio, whistled as his eyes took in the building. “Classy place here, Chris. Is this where the minibus that’ll be transporting us to a more exciting set is?”
Chris didn’t rise to Jimmy’s bait and instead directed his large following towards the car entrance to the multi-storey car park. Much to our dismay at this ‘special location’, we all followed a confident Chris and Rhys into the dark and slightly wet holdall for people’s cars.
“Is it legal to film in here? You know, with it being a breach of privacy or something?” Dan hissed to Mia and Phil who were walking just ahead of me.
“I can hear you, Danyul!” Chris hollered as we began to walk single file towards the car ramps which led up to the next level of parking spaces. “Rhys has got the legal documents in his jacket for where we’ve got a portion of the third floor blocked off for us.”
“You can do that?” I pondered aloud.
“Apparently so,” Jimmy shrugged. “Are you alright with carrying those two tripods? It’s just that I think everyone else who had camera stuff took the lifts.”
I frowned at the back of Chris’ head. I bet he wanted me to do the extra work by walking to the third floor instead of taking the lift. “I’m fine,” I said whilst in the process of rearranging the two tripod cases that were in my arms. I just hoped that we’d get to the third floor sooner rather than later so that there was a slimmer chance of me dropping these tripods and making a complete arse out of myself. I was still kind of hoping that we wouldn’t be doing a real obstacle course and that we’d just have to race each other in this egg and spoon race. I wasn’t prepared to do a real course and I definitely didn’t want to do one either.
True to Chris’ words, a corner of the car park on the third level had been sealed off with red and white barrier tape and some traffic cones. Our corner was set up against the two walls of the building which didn’t have open sides with metal bars across them.
A burly security guard wearing navy blue work clothes and a large black belt set around his waist with large pockets on it, was sat on a fold out chair in the far corner of our spot. He was reading what appeared to be a Sherlock Holmes novel and drinking something out of a paper cup. Notably, there were also cardboard boxes and a large plastic encased object stacked behind this man, heightening my curiosity.
Rhys cleared his throat and started to talk to the guard, who eventually registered that we were all here and standing around the perimeter of the space he was occupying. After some discussion and sharing of documents, the guard shifted his chair and himself over towards a different corner of the space, where he continued to read and sip his drink whilst casting us short glances from over the edge of his book. It was as if he possessed a vague interest in what we were doing.
Our next concern was the cardboard boxes and plastic encased objects which everyone (including the guard) was very curious about as Chris, Rhys, Steve and Adam started to unpack or unwrap them. They revealed two hula-hoops, two ladders made out of plastic poles with yellow fabric holding each pole to the next, and finally, a plastic slide in primary colours was revealed to be under the plastic tarp.
“What the actual hell is going on, Chris?” Mia asked him in an irritated manner whilst we all watched lifelessly as Chris and his co-writers arranged stuff. “You’ve hardly told us anything!”
Chris stopped ripping the plastic cover away from the slide to grin over his shoulder at Mia. “I said there was going to be an obstacle course, didn’t I? You couldn’t have thought that you’d escape this, did you?”
A real obstacle course? I fucking hoped that he was kidding.
*
“So…secret location!” Chris said to the main camera enthusiastically whilst everyone else on camera was giving him death glares from over his shoulder. I hated him so much right now. Not only had he not been kidding about the course, but it was freezing up here and we were all on our way to be well and truly humiliated.
“This is a car park…” PJ said, his words trailing off as he looked around him.
Chris rolled his eyes. “Don’t spoil the magic. If anything, this isn’t just any car park; this is the car park which gets to have seven YouTubers in it.”
“That sounds way too sensuous,” Mia commented with a sly smile.
“It was meant to,” Chris muttered with a devilish grin. “But here you can see we have my YouTube inspired obstacle course. If you look to you left, ladies and gentlemen, you can see that we have an essence of Oz with the ‘Yellow Brick Road of Horror’-”
“Hop scotch,” Louise put in as Chris directed our eyes to a set of chalk outlines that were slashed along a short length of the stone floor. Chris and the other YouTubers had spent a small amount of time once the course was prepared planning a script. We were basically going to mock and point out the flaws in Chris’ creations.
“-the ‘Inter-dimension Portal’-”
Jack rolled his eyes. “Just lifting a hula-hoop over your head to step through it. Boring.”
“-then ‘The Internet Dweller’s Killer’-”
“Jogging over some pole things,” Phil said vaguely, indicating to the odd ladder things that had been unpacked earlier.
“-and finally, ‘The Plummet of Death’,” Chris said with a strained facial expression. He’d been getting visually more irritated by everyone’s comments throughout this grand introduction, and now he honestly looked like he would rampage through the set in a destruction of everything we’d criticised. He was acting, of course.
“That’s a kids’ slide,” I pointed out. I made a big deal of pushing my Becca glasses back up my nose and watching Chris with bug-eyes, intent on making him feel uncomfortable.
“Guys, stop ruining it. Stahp. Stahp it… Good,” Chris said to us in a condescending tone. “And here, I have the eggs. I’ve taken the liberty of allocating you each a YouTuber egg already so that you won’t be fighting over Peej. That’s also why I didn’t make a me-egg; I’d likely be killed instantly by your ambush.”
We all chuckled as Chris puffed his chest out like a male bird on display. He then retrieved the egg box from the top of the kids’ slide behind him and opened up the box for us to see the contents as we drew around him in a small circle. The six eggs inside each had a poorly drawn caricature of each YouTuber on each individual egg. The Jack and PJ drawings were much more detailed and precise than the others, however.
“Did you use your finest wax crayons to draw this fanart?” I chortled, breaking Becca’s character to provide a snarky comment that I couldn’t help but contribute.
Chris, who I was standing to the right of, looked down at me from under his lashes. “I have you know that I used my big boy poster paints for this masterpiece.”
I smiled at Chris with a closed mouth and shook my head at him. Okay, he was funny sometimes.
Once the filming of the eggs was completed, Chris handed out the eggs and the spoons. I was given the delicately decorated PJ egg, PJ got the Jack egg, Phil got Louise-egg, Louise got Mia-egg, Jack got Becca-egg, and that left Mia with the Phil egg. As for the course itself and completing that, we were all bound to be utterly crap at it.
Each team of three had to send off one team member at a time to race to the finish line, where they could only win when all three members of their team were over the line. It was just your standard egg and spoon race…with an obstacle course in the middle of it. It wasn’t exactly easy looking.
What surprised me most of all was how I didn’t actually have to do the egg and spoon race. Due to how Chris wasn’t actually meant to present the race on screen, he swapped places with me and was in the race himself as Becca. I wasn’t sure if I was more thrilled, relieved or disappointed that after all of the internal fuss I’d gone through over potentially having to partake in this course, Chris had come up to me and asked that he have the Becca costume back.
All six of them stumbled, tripped, and even got caught in or on one of the more obstacles at a time after I’d told them that they could start. It was hilarious watching these YouTubers do high knees over the ladders, ducking and getting knotted up in the hula-hoops, having to restart the hopscotch because they did it wrong, and then having to force themselves down the slide because they were all too big for the tiny seat.
Phil and Louise went off first with wobbly steps and little yelps as the eggs rocked on their spoons. Mia and PJ followed, before Jack and Becca finished the race. By the end of it, there were two eggs smashed on the ground at the base of the kids slide from where Phil and Louise had both tried to get onto the slide at the same time at the beginning of the race. It was intense stuff which issued lots of swears and curses from absolutely everyone.
There should have been three eggs, really, seeing as PJ dropped his egg at least four times and yet it didn’t smash because the egg was made of rubber. This meant that PJ’s team obviously won, so the additional points from this round really did have no effect on the show’s results that we’d recorded earlier on.
Chris/Becca made a big deal of running around and whooping when he/she won the race for the team. Becca then went around hugging each YouTuber for slightly too long and making more squeaking noises of excitement. My Becca impersonation and acting really was nothing compared to Chris’ interpretation of his own character.
But it was over. I didn’t have to be Becca anymore and I didn’t have to help out anymore. I should have been relieved that I could just relax now, that I could go out for dinner with my friends and then do nothing for the rest of the day, and yet here I was, yearning to do the day all over again.
Everyone present started clapping and congratulating each other on a successful day filming where hugs, handshakes, and claps on the back were shared between individuals. Even I let myself get involved in shaking a few hands and accepting some hugs from Mia and Louise. But, the only person who I really wanted to congratulate was Chris.
“Not bad,” I said to him quietly after I’d snuck over to him whilst he’d been in the midst of saying thank you to a few people.
Chris looked down to me, the grin he’d been directing at other people still evident on his face. “Is that a compliment?”
I shrugged unsurely.
“Well, you weren’t bad yourself, Princess,” he smiled at me. “Thanks for your help.”
My heart fluttered in my chest like the jittering of a butterfly’s wings. “I’m still waiting on those Jaffa Cakes.”
Chris rolled his eyes. “Course you are. Thinking with your stomach again?”
“Hey! Says you!”
Chris chuckled. “Fair enough, your highness. I’ve got to talk to Mia about something, so…” He took a small step away from me, looking back over his shoulder towards Mia fleetingly.
I lifted my hand slightly to indicate to Mia before letting my hand fall to my side. A small smile made its way onto my lips as I looked to the floor. Of course he had to go to Mia. RandomStickz at its finest.
I looked up and through the crowd of both YouTubers and producers towards where Chris, Dan, and Mia were now standing at the other side of our reserved area of the car park. The three of them were grinning broadly and chatting excitedly, their jaws moving fluently and frequently. I felt disconnected from them, as if I was watching them in slow motion, through a window or on a screen. Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t mind doing this day over, but only if it weren’t for the pain of guilt that resided deep in my chest for RandomStickz and Quartzisnotonfire. I hated that.
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A/N: Hello peoples *waves*
So 'I Can't Even' is (finally) over for this story! This update was kind of a mix of the end and the story moving on, I suppose, and yet I still feel like this update is equally as bad as my previous update :/ I don't know what it is, but my writing style just seems so very different now, and I hate it... I just hope that the whole 'I Can't Even' show was good enough. I'm proud of some lines or some ideas for the show, but I'm definitely nowhere near as funny as Chris and the others :') It means the world to me that some of you have commented saying that what I've written could be a real show and that it's funny. Thank you <3
What do you guys think of what Mia's going through? Should she be feeling this scared and stressed out in your opinion? What about Jamie's guilt? (oooh, so many questions! You don't have to answer them if you don't want to; I'm just curious)
Please comment and vote on my story if you liked it. If you want to keep up to date with my uploads (they're still once a fortnight on this book. I'm not updating anything else at the moment, despite how much I want to...) then feel free to follow me as well :)
*salutes*
Em >^-^<