~
"He's dead." Christian's eyes darted to Alesha's sullen face as she unexpectedly broke from the lighthearted conversation that had gradually filled the room of their friends and family. "Isn't he?"
The quiet was overwhelming as everyone's gaze tightened on her tired eyes. She had been awake now for 7 hours but Christian had already instructed everyone, even Dr Müeller, to avoid that topic until he had a chance to explain everything. The doctor had warned him of how exhausted and out of sorts she would be for the first few hours, so it only made sense to Chris to stray from the news of their son until he was sure she could handle it.
Everyone couldn't stop talking about how grateful they were that she was okay and had finally woken up, but she could see something different in each person. The way Grams kept herself in a chair to one corner of the room with saddened red eyes. The fact that every time they locked sight, Dani would leave the room on the verge of tears with Raf chasing after her. Even Gramps, who had hugged her for so long, dropped a few tears on her shoulder before breaking away. But the biggest giveaway, Christian.
The same man who, for the last 5 months hadn't shut up about how cool of a dad he would be and the adventures he'd already planned with his "mini-me", didn't say a word. Not even asking the doctor how the baby was. He sat in the leather hospital chair on her right, hand cemented in her palm the whole time not saying a thing.
"Let's give these two the room." Vincenzo stood to his feet reaching out for Winnie's hand before leading everyone else out of the tense hospital room.
"Who did it?" She asked, turning her attention to the natural light shining through the floor to ceiling window. Christian couldn't answer, still taken aback by her abrupt approach, he tried stringing together the right words to put her at ease without lies, but he couldn't. His silence was enough for her. "Who was it?" She asked again, her tone emotionless.
"Julian Howard."
"Is he dead?"
"Not yet."
"I need him to be."
Christian gazed at her skeptically, she didn't sound the same. Her soft spoken demeanour was gone. Her questions came out stony and detached, almost militant. She wasn't herself, but he'd be damned if he didn't give her the justice she deserved.
"Done."
~
That was a week ago. After killing Julian Howard, Christian had hoped Alesha would feel some relief as she eased back into her old self, but he was wrong. There was no more smiling and she'd barely spoken to anyone except Winnie since that day. With everything that's happened, he hadn't even seen her shed a tear yet. Her time bounced between looking out to the city from her room and whispered chats with Winnie when no one else was around.
His grandmother refused to tell him what the topics of conversation were and instead explained how losing a child can change a mother and that it will take a while for her to feel like herself again. He understood, but it didn't stop him from feeling like he'd already lost Alesha too. He'd convinced himself that, while the people around them would never say it, they blamed him; and every second spent around her, he was in his own head wondering if she blamed him too.
-
She was finally leaving the hospital today which Christian had been looking forward to. He had high hopes that familiar surroundings would speed up the process of getting back to normal, so his impatience for them to leave that room was immense.
"Great. Just follow the light for me." The doctor instructed, aiming the small flashlight at her eyes. "You should be very proud of the progress you've made Miss Moore, it's nothing short of impressive." She gave him a small smile, fidgeting with her hands. I will set up a few home visits for you just to ensure you're recovery stays on track. Remember, no work for the next 2 weeks, take it easy and focus on your PT. Other than that, I'll be seeing you in a few days time. Any questions?"
She sent the older man another friendly smile that didn't reach her eyes. "No questions. Thank you Dr Müeller."
"Thanks doc." Christian walked him to the door shaking his hand before he left. As he walked back to grab Alesha's bags, the door opened behind him.
"What are you doing here?" Alesha asked the unexpected visitor with wide eyes and a shaky voice.
With all the chaos happening in their lives after Alesha had woken up, Christian had forgotten to mention the fact that her mother had been here. Esther's absence since the last time he'd seen her, made him think she decided to cut her visit short. He was wrong.
"Didn't your little boyfriend tell you I came looking for you when the hospital called?" Alesha looked to Christian, embarrassed by her past, hoping he hadn't drawn any similarities in the 2 women since meeting her mother; a look he distressingly misconstrued as disappointment in him. "I need to talk to you. Leave us alone." Making her way over to her daughter, Esther motioned to Chris to leave the room.
"What are you doing? You don't get to come into my life demanding anything. You don't get that kind of power."
"Little girl, you need to watch your mouth. You not too old to get popped." Esther's sneer made Alesha scoff at the aged woman.
"Goodbye Esther." Standing to her feet, Alesha grabbed Christian's arm and headed for the door.
While trying to pass Esther, her mother clutched her arm, halting her steps. "Birdie, please. I'm begging you." Alesha hadn't heard that nickname since her dad passed. The words made her heart skip a beat. "Just 5 minutes.. please."
Alesha looked at her mother's glowering face and felt vague pity for the woman. Letting go of Christian's arm, she asked him to give them a minute alone. Although he'd left the room, he stood at the door straining his ears to listen in on the private talk. Through the muffled speech he only managed to make out what Esther was saying, and that's only because she was talking like someone in a crowded bar trying to talk over the music.
"You know he killed Devon? You need to leave him. Come back home with me, I'm better now."
...
"After everything I've done for you, you'd throw me to the side for some white boy who makes a living as a murderer?!" Christian rolled his eyes but carried on listening. "You may not want me around but you know everything I'm saying is the truth."
...
"Look at your life right now and tell me he's good for you. Has anything good happened for you since you two got together?" Another strong wave of guilt and shame overtook his emotions as he heard the harsh truths Esther doled out.
...
"That's dead and gone. Try again." Suddenly a loud clap sounded through the door followed by a shriek. Christian opened the door ready to put an end to whatever was happening when he saw Alesha's eyes welling up and Esther on the floor cupping her cheek.
"You don't ever let so much as a peep come out of your mouth about my son. We're done, Christian let's go."
In the time he'd known her, Alesha had never been violent to anyone or anything, no matter how annoyed she was, so her reaction was a shock to him. Deserved, but still shocking. He felt proud of her for standing up to the woman who'd caused her so much stress and pain, but irked that this growth seemed to veer further and further away from who she actually was.
-
They had made it to the hospital parking lot and were sitting in the car waiting for the unusual awkward tension between them to slip away ahead of the drive. "Birdie?" Her eyes narrowed on him as a smirk broke out on her face. He grinned at the sight of playfulness gracing her face, a sight he had been missing desperately.
"I was hoping you didn't catch that. It's not that interesting."
"Too bad, I've gotta know now."
Still smiling , she let out a deep sigh. "When I was younger, my dad took my mom and I to this bird sanctuary, and in the first 5 minutes I was already obsessed with the little creatures. So, later when he asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, it felt only right to say "a birdie". He never let it go and the name's stuck with me since." A chuckle left her lips at the memory she'd buried in the back of her mind.
"I like it, it suits you." Christian started up the car before looking back over to Alesha. Her face was turned away from him, to the window, but he could see the tears gathering on her lower lashes. Just as fast as he felt he'd gotten her back, he'd lost her again.
***
As soon as they'd gotten back to Christian's, Alesha was so exhausted, she made a bee-line for the bedroom.
Lately, being around Christian, all she felt was an overwhelming sense of remorse. Shame that she somehow wasn't strong enough to protect their child: even though deep down she knew there was probably nothing she could do; and then there was the distress of what she asked him to do after: she regretted ever asking him to take another person's life, putting that moral pressure on him. Maybe the feeling would fade after a while, but for now she just needed to sleep.
"Hey," Christian tugged her arm towards him before she could get any further into the house, "do you need anything?" Her distance was truly starting to worry him.
She gave him a tired smile and shook her head, "no, I just need to take a nap."
"I love you. You know that right?" His eyes locked on hers trying to figure out what she wasn't saying to him.
"I love you too." Her words said something that her face and body wasn't relaying. Placing a soft kiss on his lips, she slipped out of his hold, making her way upstairs.
-
After spending 15 minutes in his office trying to focus, Christian gave up on the work sitting in front of him and headed upstairs to have the talk they both needed. Getting closer to their bedroom door he could hear sobs and muffled sniffling. He walked in to see Alesha sat on the edge of the bed crying into the blue baby blanket he'd bought for their son.
He remembered how he'd roll his eyes at how much she bought in preparation, while secretly hiding his own collection for the newborn. He had forgotten to clear the drawer he kept them in.
She cried harder, unable to hold back everything she'd been feeling and suppressing the past week, "I.. I-I just.. C-Chris-". Her voice was broken. Her heart was broken. She was broken.
He walked over and helped her into bed, climbing in behind her; hugging her into him. He felt her body shaking as he squeezed her to his chest hoping he could take her pain away, but knowing that wasn't possible. His chest was heavy with a burden of self-reproach, that doubled in size seeing her this way. Holding her in his arms until she had fallen asleep, he buried his head in her curls, finally understanding what she truly needed.
JJ x