-Z-
"Why have you come out here? I told you to stay inside at night," I say as I hear her footsteps approach. She stops at the top of the stairs and I feel her eyes bore into me.
"I... I sensed you were upset-or worried- I don't know, something inside of me was telling me you weren't okay... I heard you, so I thought it'd be okay to come out..."
"I'd much prefer for you to stay inside Gwendolyn, even if you know for sure it's me," I tell her, as I feel her approach me. She stops short and just stares at me, but I don't want to turn around and let her see the worry and wear on my face. The truth of the matter... the truth of the matter is that I'm starting to feel drained. She mentioned her senses- but it's my own that are causing me to feel this way.
It's like I can hear him screaming in my head.
Sometimes it's quiet- and sometimes it's like waves crashing on rocks, during a high tide on a full moon night. Like the sound of it is refracting through the darkness at louder intervals and it's almost skull splitting. I just hear him calling my name- over, and over, and over. Sometimes when I'm trying to be intimate with her it's so unbearable that I have to make an excuse as to why I no longer want to kiss her, or caress her skin. It's the loudest when I'm alone, though. When I'm out feeding and the night is still around me. When the streets are empty and I'm looking for the scent of vanilla in the air- preferably. Most nights I'll settle for whomever I come across, just so I can rush home to her and settle in her warm embrace. As of late I've nestled myself against her chest and asked her to hold my head there tightly- I've asked often enough now that she simply does it without my asking. When she does this her heartbeat drowns out his voice and I can relax, if only the slightest.
At first being just the two of us was fun, exhilarating, an adventure that I didn't want to end. Now it was work. Day in and day out I had to think of our next move. I had to take note of anything happening in the area that might indicate someone looking for her. I was growing more and more anxious by the day that something might happen. It seems I took Aldo's part in all of that, previously doing all of these things himself, for granted. Then there was the worry that was growing inside me for him. He would be the one who would have to answer for my wrong doings, if and when her father finds out. I tried not to imagine what would happen to him- because when I do I usually come to the conclusion that he will end up dead. I remind myself that it wasn't I who ran off, who pushed us away, who time and time again let us down and tore us apart.
"Why don't you come up to the room and we'll snuggle up in bed? You can order me some food and I'll make you eat some even though you don't like it..." She puts her hand on my shoulder and it makes me jump. It's so warm it feels like a flame. I've been so wrapped up in the sound of his voice that it's as if my body was anticipating his cold touch and hers was a shock in comparison. "Theo...?"
"I'm sorry, I'm just a bit in my head..."
"You've been like this a lot lately...." she says as she crosses her arms and I turn to catch the graceful- yet uncomfortable movement. She appears to be doubting herself, and I don't want her to ever feel that way about me.
"You're right- I'm sorry Wendy. I've- I've been planning our next trip. It's going to be a big one..." I say as I rub my eyes. "Let's go up to the room and get you that food. Barbecue? Chinese-"
"I'm feeling pizza tonight," she says with a chuckle as I put my arm over her shoulders and begin walking with her back to the room. "This trip- What makes it a "big one"..."
I instantly decide as she asks that I can't give her too many details. One reason being that any ears could be listening, and it's unsafe to speak of it. The other being that it will be more permanent than any before, temporary still, but we won't be moving for some time. "It's just... it's a surprise love. I think we'll be much safer where we're going."
"Alright, you keep your secrets," She says as she unlocks the room and leads me inside, "and I'll keep mine." She shrugs.
"Oh really?" I chuckle and shake my head.
"Mhmm." She says as she yawns and stretches.
"Are you tired already?" I ask. She nods.
"Yes, but I'm also hungry..."
"Well that's good, you haven't had an appetite lately," I say, trying not to put too much emphasis on the subject, because I know it's a sensitive topic for her. She shrugs.
"I've had a lot on my mind as well. Well not a lot, one per-thing. I don't want to, but- I'm sure you know what I mean..." she's tired and mumbly, but I know clearly who and what she's talking about. "Can't we just call him? Make sure he's okay-"
"We can't. He can take the smallest thing and find us with it..."
I should tell her that I want to. More than anything I want to reach out to him and hear his voice in real life, and not just my head- screaming at me. I want to be with him, I want him to hold me, and it hurts so badly. The things I did with him... they pushed the boundaries of what I thought I'd ever do with another man, and that leaves me feeling vulnerable to him. That's why I know my judgment of him falters from time to time. He's hurt us, though, and it's my duty to protect Gwendolyn from that hurt.
"We need to move on."
"All- Alright," She says with a small nod. "You're right, I'm sorry. I know it's hard-"
"It's fine, truly, no reason to worry," I stop her quickly, because the last thing I want is to have a lengthy talk about it all, "Hey, go up to the room and get dressed, I'll take you out to eat instead of staying in," I tell her, and nod up towards the room, "I want to see you out in the night, walk you in the starlight."
"Okay!" She's suddenly beaming and I couldn't get enough of that if I tried. I watch her bounce up the stairs as she ascends them, her messy curls coming alive in the movement. I'm distracted by my desires for her, of which I'm ever grateful, because when she's around I'm engulfed by her presence.
When she returns she's wearing the dress I picked out for her, and that moment feels like centuries ago. I'm quickly reminded- now, even in her presence- of Aldrich. I remember the proud look on his face when I chose it- despite finding little interest in the excursion of finding her clothes- I really loved that dress and he found joy in that. I remember when she first put it on... how much I wanted to press her between the two of us and run my hands under it. All the things it made me feel, and how he enjoyed watching me feel such things. It was bittersweet seeing her in that dress again.
"Ready?" She asks, as she walks up to me and snuggles against my side.
"Yeah love, lets go," I say, and lead her down the stairs and eventually out of the building.
We walk to a nearby restaurant, instead of calling for transport, and in the moonlight- just as I suspected- she glowed. Her skin glistened as it drew sweat to the surface, the hot summer night causing her human body to react so beautifully. The honey in her hair shone, each movement causing the light to dance in waves across the curls. During some of the walk she'd step ahead enough for me to watch her in awe as she got lost in her questions and my answers. Then she would doddle back to me as she giggled and wrapped herself around my arm again, and press up against me, until again she would lose track of her words and wander away. Watching her was like watching a moth going to and from a flame- never quite leaving the pull of the light, and always returning. At the restaurant she told me about her ventures of the day, about the book she had borrowed from the library- after shmoozing the librarian into giving her a book despite not having a card-, she told me about the farmers market she stopped by, and how she ate a whole pound of fresh strawberries before she saw everything at the market. I enjoyed every word, and let it settle my soul, until she was too tired to speak, and eaten a full three course meal and desert. On the way home she was so tired that I offered to carry her back, and she fell asleep two blocks away from the hotel. I was so emotionally drained from the highs and lows of today that when we got back I curled up around her on the bed, and fell into a deep rest that was filled with nothing but the memories of her fluttering about in that sweet dress I had chosen for her.