[Jeremy Allen White as Ernest Veda; Love Poem Medley by Rudy Fransisco]
EIGHT: when you give yourself a chance.
Maybe the difference between you and I had everything and nothing to do with how we ended. I wasn't as in love with you as the day we met, maybe it only resurrected in the aftermath of us. I loved you how the sun loves the earth, allowing it to revolve enough around, maybe you revolved around me too much. I wanted you close to keep you warm but getting close to me is dangerous. I incinerated you.
"Don't mind him, he does this a lot." I was immersed in my writing, always was. They said a good writer always had a pen in their hand, I wanted to be a great writer but all my material was about him. Everything I had to say had to do with lost love or lack of love.
Danny often asked when I'd been writing, maybe it was a false memoir, I kept my feelings journaled from the year of therapy. My therapist had made me a writer, Paul made me a writer and I figured once writing him down, I could get over him.
Why couldn't I get over him?
Closing my book, I looked up, placing it in my bag as if I could do the same to my feelings and I tried to fall back into conversation. Ernest Veda was Daniel Veda's older half-brother and also his plug and they looked absolutely nothing alike. I didn't know much about Danny, nothing more than him just being my roommate who partied about everyday, nothing more than he needed me to know.
But he knew too much about me, it seemed like everyone who knew me did too.
I tried not to remember that, tried to keep that locked away as I listened to them talking about the girl at the cash register, it was some sandwich shop around the corner from campus and I always forgot that Danny had grown up there.
"No, bro, she's so fucking into me." That was Danny, he'd been watching as he checked someone out and he was hell-bent on the idea that she was hopelessly in love with him.
"She's about as into you as Julian is."
Danny laughed, "Who says Julian's not into me?" Leaning closer to me, my roommate nudged my shoulder and wiggled his thick brows. And he was attractive, everyone could tell that but maybe Calum had traumatized me so much that even looking at a straight guy and acknowledging their attractiveness made me uncomfortable. I was all sorts of fucked up.
"I'm not." Ernest had nearly spit out his drink at that and I felt a bit accomplished at the betrayal etched onto his brother's face. Holding my hands up, I played along. "I might be gay but I do have standards."
Danny looked almost offended at that and I could've laughed. "Everyone's into me." He'd said, and then repeated almost reassuringly to himself. He almost looked shocked and I wondered if I really shot his self-confidence that badly. Still, I laughed.
"What kinda guys are you into then?" That was Ernest and Danny leaned in as if it were a secret.
And he'd been trying to get me to tell him my type for months now, convinced that if he put me on with one of the gay guys on campus, I'd stop fucking Wren to get over my ex but I didn't have the heart to tell him that my type was just tall with brown eyes and named Pablo-Luis. Danny was leaning on his elbows then, and I could see his inner-cupid dissecting me.
"I don't know, nice..." that didn't answer what he wanted it to so I tried again, "smart?" I just wanted someone who challenged me, who made me feel alive again. I never really thought about what I wanted in a person, never had the reason to, I never had a type.
Every guy I'd been interested in or... just in... was different from the last. Paul wasn't like Calum, Wren wasn't like Calum or Paul, I wasn't even experienced in more than one relationship. I didn't know what I wanted.
But that wasn't what Danny was asking.
"Fuck that, I mean body-wise."
There was a laugh in Ernest's throat then and I took a second to look him over again. I was attracted to Ernest, I'd been attracted to him since I'd first seen him but I wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was just average. He wasn't exceptionally attractive and he didn't care much about that either cause he was always high.
I didn't care about anything about him and vice-versa, maybe that was what was attractive about him but build-wise he was completely different than everyone else I'd fucked or wanted.
Did I have a type, body wise? Wren was small and that was kinda hot... when I didn't feel like just the smallest form of aggression that moved too far would hurt him. Paul was my size now but in the beginning, he was slender with just the right amount of muscle, Danny was cute to me too and he was bigger than me and taller. And Ernest was short with piercing blue eyes that made him alluring, he hadn't had much else to offer though but maybe I liked that.
Maybe I liked the possibility of not being into someone not even in a looks way, I liked the fact that his last name didn't make sense because he looked fully white yet I didn't care enough to ask. I liked not caring enough to ask. Maybe my type wasn't physical.
"You look like a predator, stop looking at her." Ernest was laughing at his brother's misery then and the bell had chimed at the entrance. There I saw someone rushing in in scrubs, moving faster than anyone else in this little place. It was a guy, his arms almost fully tattooed in black ink on tan skin. He kept looking down at his watch and he leant on the counter while ordering, he looked familiar from behind.
Was that..?
I wasn't into the conversation as much anymore, as if I ever was and now I was watching the man cashing out. When he turned a little to look at his watch a final time, he'd moved further, almost turning completely around. When I realized who he was, I got embarrassed all over again. There was a warmth to my cheeks and maybe the bong rips I had hours before had pushed forward my confidence because I was leaning forward with no thought of repercussions.
"I'm gonna get a water." I'd said, it barely loud enough for anyone to hear me and I was on my feet then. I regretted not getting his number after leaving the club, I did, and I wasn't going to miss out again.
"Hey, Scrubs." I'd regretted it as soon as it came out and I'd been standing beside him then. There was an awkwardness in my voice but I knew that I had to make some kind of move if I wanted his number. What if he didn't want mine anymore cause I ran away like a fucking freak?
"Hey." Sullivan smiled then, the corners of his eyes crinkling up and I could feel myself calming a bit. That worried me, why was I so nervous? Maybe I was just feeling a little too poetic, I had been writing poems all day, I had the confidence of a pen in hand and I was going to use that to my advantage. Sullivan was both nice and smart... and he was gorgeous. I needed to give myself a chance, if anything.
He didn't even hesitate, he smiled, biting his lip slightly. "Julian, right?"
I could feel myself reciprocating his smile and the girl at the register moved to wipe down the counter on the other side and I wondered how confident in himself that he had to be to stand in this space and not even think about it... how he was taking up so much space with no regard. I found myself twirling the pen in my hand, apologetic just for blocking off possible business before anyone had even walked in. "You remembered."
And Sullivan was intriguing, especially when he knew my name, "You don't just forget a face like that." He was naturally charismatic and that made me nervous. We'd both been drunk and he'd remembered my name.
Why was I so flustered? I blamed the weed. "I'm sorry for how I acted the other night." Stop apologizing. "I just, I was having a pretty bad-"
"It's okay." He was laughing then and I realized how normal he was being. He was smiling, stepping to the side. "You didn't owe me anything."
I kept silent at that, it feeling too reminiscent. I hadn't reminded myself enough.
"Are you ordering too or?" I shook my head and if possible, he lit up even more.
"I've already..."
He nodded and I realized that I'd let him know I was interested, there was no backing out now. I mean, there was but I couldn't have run away again, mostly because my legs still felt a bit heavy and his smile had the hair on my arms standing up in attention. I blamed the high, again. "Alright."
"I'd like to see you again."
It was when the lady came back over to hand him his order and he went to walk, me following like some lost puppy. "Well, my lunch is almost over or else I'd stay longer, um..." And he'd held his hand out for the pen in mine, rubbing his hand against mine as he grabbed it. He chuckled at the way my breath hitched and he was so fucking hot. Reaching for my hand, gentle but firm, he flipped it over, "here."
And in front of everyone's eyes, glancing up at mine with a small smile, he'd jotted his number on the back of my hand. "Call me?" And he let go only as I nodded, my bottom lip in my mouth as I tried to find words of agreement in my throat. I could only imagine how shy I looked, how red I was as he left.
The word "Yeah," hadn't left my lips until he was already out the door.
Going to sit, I watched the door, maybe my eyes were convinced that I could steal a glance again but I hadn't had anything else to do. I didn't want to look into Danny's teasing eyes or piercing blues. My bones sunk into the chair and I found myself twirling my pen again, my feet fighting, I'd always been a shaky smoker, I wondered if Sullivan noticed.
"Who's that?" Danny was shaking my shoulder when I'd sat back down. He seemed better but my head was still in the clouds, my highs always did last longer than everyone elses' and I thought it to be the only perk of my medication. "Bro, you're fuckin' red."
And I was, I could feel it in my own face, brushing the hand that had started pinching my cheek, I tried not to smile. "Shut up."
"He's cute." Danny had said, shaking me again and he never had a concept of personal space. I met eyes with his brother who was looking at me as if he wasn't sure what to say and yeah, he'd experienced my lack of emotion first hand. I felt more open that day though, couldn't keep it contained and I looked down at my hand again, his messy drawl written across freckled skin. "He don't smell like coconut, right?"
All I could reply with was "Shut up," again but I tried not to smile. Reaching down, I pulled my journal back out and almost at once, I remembered who I was forgetting in the first place. I tried to shut it out instantly, swallowing back a lump in my throat and on a blank page, I jotted down Sullivan's number...
Just so I wouldn't forget.
: : :
I spend too many days striving to find similar intimacy without the longing for commitment that when commitment draws me forward, I tend to find myself recoiling. Forgetting you is the beginning of myself but healing does not move fast enough to meet me there. It will not meet me at the turnpike of transference or the inevitable downfall, it will only find me right where it wants... right where I am.
"You're not fucking my brother, right?" Those words were annoying, everything that was said was annoying to me at that point when all I wanted was his shirt off. Reaching forward, I yanked it up, not paying much attention when he leant back into the seat.
My high was gone but the feeling of his fingertips on my skin was enough to keep me excited. I hated talking during sex and it was like no one understood that anymore. Maybe I'd shown too much, talked too much that day because Ernest didn't understand the concept of a quickie anymore. "Your brother's straight."
"I am too." He'd spoken, stopping me, his hands were around my wrist and his bright blue eyes were looking into mine and even despite how piercing they were, I didn't have any interest on getting lost. I found myself laughing, peeling his hands off me and already seeing where this was going.
Months before, in my adamancy on fucking people that looked nothing like Paul, I'd fucked Ernest. And he was good normally, he didn't have any inclination to make it a big deal especially since he'd convinced himself that attraction to me wasn't even a factor.
He'd fucked me enough that his statement felt so invalid but I was so used to guys denying sexual attraction to men, it was almost laughable. Everyone was slightly gay in college, even if it was only for an hour or two, Ernest had spent too many days in me or with me in him to say he wasn't even just a little gay. But I truly didn't give a fuck about his internal struggle, and really it was 3pm on a Thursday in broad daylight, people would be at the beach soon so he needed to hurry up.
"Whatever you tell yourself."
If he was sure his brother's sexuality was so fucking fluid, he should be having a heart to heart with him not me, I didn't care. But he was adamant on telling me the same. "Look, I don't care how many times I stick my dick in you, I'm not fuckin' gay, aight? You a warm body, that's it." Stifling a laugh at that monologue, I tried not to make this last any longer than usual, closet cases were fucking annoying and I didn't have the patience.
I didn't want this to go on any longer than it had to, my dick was going soft and Wren was in class. "And I'm not fucking you if my brother's been, I know you get around."
I tried not to let it sting, tried to place little importance on it but I still found myself speaking through gritted teeth. "I haven't fucked Danny." That was all I could say without letting myself get angrier. "Now, shut up and come here."
Pulling him forward by his belt loops, I tried to make room in this fucking car, enough to slide my jeans down and get blown at least. If he wasn't so good at it, I'd have kicked him out already.
"Shit." Straight boys always seemed to be the best with their mouths. "Take off your pants."
And I was putting a condom on before he could argue, I wasn't in the mood to be fucked after degradation. He had already been loose and I was sure he'd been fucked that morning.
: : :
April 2016
"Come here gorgeous." The way he danced had my stomach in knots, I loved it. We'd just gotten back from his aunt's wedding. I was now realizing why people got married. I was so in love with him, so in love with every curve in his body, drunk off the way he swung his hips. I wanted to melt into every part of him and maybe the giggle in his voice was enough that I didn't need the champagne that night.
He danced like no one was around, like he was lost in the moment that even I wasn't supposed to be there but it felt so intimate. The fact that he chose for me to come closer, that he'd made sure to lace my hands on his hips and sway to the soft latin music playing. Paul was everything to me and when we'd gotten back to his little apartment, the way he fell back into the door before it had even opened...
"You're such a brat, you know that, baby?"
He pulled me closer, still moving his hips to a rhythm that didn't exist and he was humming the same song on my lips. Pressing him into the door, I fumbled with my key, I'd been pretty much living there at that point. His lips were on my clothed shoulder, hands raking my body for any exposed skin and he'd had his fingers pressed into my ass, yanking me forward to steal some friction. Once I'd gotten the door open, my lips were on his again, pulling him into the apartment and swinging the door shut, his body pressed against it again and I tasted the rum cake from earlier.
"Mhm." My voice was breathless but fuck, did those words light a fire under me. "You love it, though."
In that moment, I could pretend it was our wedding, that this was our honeymoon. Kicking his shoes off, Paul laughed, tugging his suit jacket off and tossing it to the couch, I'd grabbed his hips then and he was sitting on the kitchen counter, mindlessly fumbling with the buttons on my shirt.
I'd buried my face in his neck, tasting his soft skin, the earthy smell of my cologne on him engulfing me and he'd pushed his crotch back into mine. Then he was in my arms again, his legs twined around my waist and he was pushing my shirt off my shoulders, lips following the material and a breathy moan had left his mouth then.
I'd opened the bedroom door in a haste, tossing his body on the bed and he laughed as he fell, pulling me with him. Hand on my neck, Paul slowed, leaning forward as if teasing me and his lips were just barely grazing mine. Pulling my head back slightly, he'd leant forward to ghost a kiss on my lips once more. He'd flicked his tongue over my open mouth then, running a light touch down my bare back, tracing my spine and my bones shuddered under my skin. "Jules."
Pulling away again, he'd ran his free hand through my hair, the other lightly gipping my chin and his thumb traced my bottom lip gently. "Hm?"
He hadn't said anything more, pressing our lips together again and I could feel him throbbing underneath me. Grinding down into him, I reveled in the whine he'd let out, pulling back almost as quickly and Paul loved a tease, he loved the idea of drawing out an orgasm so I'd stepped back, going to light a candle on the bedside to catch my breath. He looked almost ethereal in the warm light, it illuminating his tan skin.
Maybe love existed in the way just him laying there made me want to fast forward to the rest of my life.
I watched as he unbuttoned the rest of his top, it exposing a defined chest, his bottom lip was tugged into his mouth, long legs bent and I could see his bulge straining against the fabric of his dress pants. He'd called me again and he almost looked nervous.
"You can-" breathing softly, he sat a little up and I stepped forward, his fingers were now grazing the back of my waist, pulling me closer so he was speaking the words to my abdomen, his lips kissing a wet trail upwards and I almost didn't hear him.
"You can top... if you want." He was kissing my neck then, up to the spot behind my ear.
My words were shaky, my hands were as well and we'd done a lot already. We'd been so comfortable with each other, I was so comfortable with our sex life. He didn't need to give anything more.
My boyfriend's fingers were threading through my hair, words unspoken and the sex had subsided for a second. He'd went to uncuff my dress shirt carefully.
Love blossomed in my chest, his hair falling over big brown eyes.
Maybe it was the romance in the air or maybe he was imagining our honeymoon as well but he was committing to something so personal. And I needed to make sure he was serious. "I don't have to."
He kept silent and he was smiling small. So sweetly, he'd pulled at my sleeves, letting the shirt drop to the floor and he was kissing me.
Paul was always so sure of himself. The tip of his nose brushed against mine and he was unbuttoning my slacks. "Baby..."
"Yes?"
I wasn't sure how to make sure. It looked like he'd already made up his mind. "A-are you sure?"
And he paused, he slipped his hands back up my body, lacing them together at the nape of my neck. He was pouty, always was and I tried to ignore the need getting deeper, more intense. My love had taken that time to shift over, straddling my lap and he looked into my eyes.
"If I wasn't sure I wouldn't ask." He was leaning into me, knees pressed into the bed. I'd braced myself on my elbows. Testing the waters, he'd pressed our bodies together, leaning in to kiss me again, this time more purposeful.
Pulling me closer by my chin, he'd licked into my mouth. Nipping my bottom lip and tugging. I suppressed a groan, a breathy moan tumbling from his lips into mine.
"Pablo—"
"Love me, Julian." It held a plea, all of it.
Paul had looked into my eyes then and I could see how serious he was then. "I want you to." Hand in my hair, he held me close, big brown eyes intoxicating me and I fell completely into Paul. I was falling in love all over again and he was there to catch me.
"I trust you."
: : :
"Fuck." Ernest had his hips pressed into mine and he was throwing it back to catch every thrust. His back was covered in sweat and the steam in this car was beating down on my skin. My hands were on his hips, pulling him back to me and I tried not to let him knock me over completely.
I could feel the tightness around me, milking my orgasm out, him backing up more until I'd been laying back. Then he was riding me, his ass smacking down onto my thighs, and I hadn't paid much attention to what he was saying. I wasn't paying attention to anything except the bliss I was feeling.
With a few final thrusts, he was releasing, tightening even more around me and I could feel mine approaching. "Cum in me."
Breathing heavy, I pulled his lax body back up, yanking him back down to meet my final thrusts and he was trying to catch his breath. Almost slack, he raised his ass again, sating me and I felt myself spilling over. With a final groan, all the tension in my body dissipated for a second. "Paul."
And he hadn't said much after that, he hadn't said anything at all. Not even once he'd pulled his pants back on and I'd dropped him off at his place, the mood had shifted in me but I knew he felt the same. I was alone in myself again.
A/N:
He's trying.
Updated: Thurs. June 6th, 2019