A/N: ⚠️ tw/cw ⚠️ for suicide, depression, an anxiety/panic attack, and implied self harm ;-; The feels are here, stay safe kiddos 🖤
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~ Eight Months Later ~
Virgil sat in the passenger seat of his dad's truck as the two of them went down the road. Silence filled the space between them like water until Virgil felt like he was drowning. He didn't want to leave. He couldn't. Not yet.
After what felt like forty days and forty nights, the two of them arrived in Seattle. This was where his dad decided to move them to. A much bigger city with much different people. On any given day, Virgil would be thrilled. But it couldn't have been any given day, could it?
They pulled up to their new house. It was less than impressive but it made an attempt at being a house, so it would do. It's nothing compared to home, Virgil thought pessimistically. We should be home right now, go the fuck home.
"This is it," his father spoke dryly.
"I hate it," Virgil growled.
"I figured you would. Listen... if you ever need to talk—"
"I'm going inside," he cut his father off sharply as he exited the car, getting his suitcase from the back and dragging it through the house's front door.
It was small and unwelcoming, and Virgil was certain there was at least one cockroach in this place. Home sweet home. At least there seemed to be a kitchen, a laundry room, and other very basic necessities. Though Virgil was struggling to hold onto that last scrap of optimism he had.
He walked through the house, finding a small bedroom. It felt more like a coffin than a bedroom — even without any furniture inside yet — and Virgil knew this was his. He set his suitcase by the door as he closed it and sat with his back against the wall.
He didn't want to think right now. His thoughts would devour him from the inside out, leaving him as nothing but a husk of his former self. He made a feeble attempt to control his brain, but was unable to prevent the intrusive thoughts.
All your fault. All your fault. All your fault.
He wanted it to stop. He wanted the thoughts to stop. But he deserved them. He knew he did.
~
Monday morning came into Virgil's room and stabbed him through the chest, twisting the knife. He never even slept; it's not like he could, anyway. He didn't want to go anywhere right now. He felt like vomiting. He felt like dying. He just wanted to lay in his bed until it swallowed him whole.
Coco flew from her ledge and landed on Virgil's chest. She chirped gently as she licked his face, trying to help him get up. Even in his sour mental state, he couldn't help but smile at his soul spirit.
"Morning," he grumbled. "I guess you want me to get up, huh? Weird, usually you d...don't care whether I go to school or not." Coco grabbed his shirt with her feet, flying and trying to get him to sit up. "Okay, okay! J-Jesus, you have no chill sometimes."
Junior jumped into Virgil's bed and took the covers in her mouth, ripping them off of him. Rory and Edison were both tugging at him to get him out of bed. Even Basil was slithering around Virgil's head trying to encourage him. The sight of Basil made Virgil's heart hurt.
"Fine, fine, fucking Christ, you guys!"
After much persuasion from all five of them, he finally got dressed and ready for school. He did not feel mentally prepared to face today. He would rather do anything than walk to school today.
He suddenly realised with startling clarity; he didn't know how to get to school.
"Coco, how am I supposed to get there? We - we both know dad won't wake up to take me." She nuzzled against his neck, chirping quietly. "What, you want me to try? I don't see the point, but whatever."
He went to his father's room, which was very much cluttered. "Dad. It's Monday." He got no response. "Dad!" He shook his father's shoulders, which only made him grumble and turn over so his back faced Virgil. "See?" he murmured to Coco.
Suddenly she was in the air, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him in the direction of the front door. Virgil wasn't sure what she was up to but he trusted her judgement.
They got out the door and Coco continued to drag him across the yard until they got to the side of the road. Virgil managed to piece together what she was trying to say. "Do you m...mean the bus? How do you know there even is a bus? Our old school didn't have one."
Just as he asked this, he heard the unexpected sound of a school bus approaching. He suddenly had several questions that he would probably never get the answers to.
"Convenient bus is convenient, I guess," he joked. "But how did you know?" He glanced at Coco, but she only licked his cheek. What an enigma.
The bus pulled up, the doors opening, and Virgil reluctantly got inside. He was suddenly hit with a nervous energy. He took a few deep breaths as he found an empty seat, occupying himself there and hoping — praying, even — that no one would want to sit beside him.
The bus rumbled along, Virgil becoming lost in thought. He was suddenly attacked with memories from Wyoming. He tried to shake them but they held on tightly. Images he couldn't get out of his head, words he couldn't get out of his mind, scars he would never get off his skin. He had been almost seven months clean. No more.
After a while of battling his brain, he finally arrived at his new high school. He was not excited in the slightest. In fact, he would rather live in a garbage can than go to school today. However, he knew it was inevitable, so he got to his feet and stepped off the bus.
The building's size alone was enough to intimidate him into making a run for it. He swallowed his fear and made his way into the building. He was supposed to talk to the school's principal as soon as he arrived, so he set out to find their office.
It didn't take long to locate, and when he knocked on the door, a man holding his... rabbit soul spirit opened it. Virgil would have expected him to have something more intimidating like a tiger or a bear — or an eagle like his old principal had — certainly not an innocent little desert cottontail. He still decided to keep his guard up just to be safe.
"Hello! Are you the new student?" Virgil nodded his head in a silent response. The principal's smile grew. "Nice to meet you! I'm Mr Sanders!" He held his hand out to shake, still holding his soul spirit in his other arm. Virgil reluctantly shook it, staring at the rabbit as it stared back at him. Mr Sanders noticed this and chuckled. "Let me guess; you weren't expecting a rabbit."
Virgil couldn't help the blush that brushed his cheeks. "Well, uh, I - I wasn't gonna s-say anything—"
"Don't worry about it! A lot of people expect a principal to have some scary soul spirit to keep 'em in line, but I don't need that. I don't wanna scare my students, I just wanna help em! Just out of curiosity, what did your old principal have?"
Virgil grinned. "An..." He struggled to finish his sentence. "An eagle. Sorry I - I suck at t-talking."
"That's okay! Anyway, why don't you come on in? I've got your schedule and locker combo, and someone's gonna swing by in a few minutes to show you around."
He stepped inside Mr Sanders office, his eyes immediately falling onto a Steven Universe poster. He grinned for the briefest moment when he thought of Emile. But then he remembered... Emile....
"You like Steven Universe?" Mr Sanders asked as he flipped through papers on his desk.
Virgil nodded. "Yeah. It's... one of my favourite shows. I had - had a friend back home who would k...kill to have that poster."
Mr Sanders handed him a sheet of paper with his schedule and locker combination on it. "You're homesick, aren't you?" Virgil looked away, the blush on his cheeks returning as he nodded. "Don't worry, that's normal. We'll make this place your new home, alright? Remember, my door is always open, and so is the counsellor's. You're not alone here."
Mr Sanders seemed so kind and understanding. Perhaps that was why he had a rabbit as a soul spirit. Then again, Virgil had no idea why people got their soul spirits. It was a nice theory, though. "Yeah. Thanks."
"No need to thank me, Virgil! I'm happy to help you however I can!"
Before Virgil could respond, Coco screeched and started flying around Virgil's head. Why was she acting up so much today already? "God, I'm - I'm so sorry about her, she's b-been acting weird all morning."
Mr Sanders chuckled. "Well, you know what they say; there's, uh, there's a reason for everything... that a soul spirit does."
The suddenly flighty bat grabbed Virgil's sleeve as she had done this morning and tried to drag him towards the door. "Coco, c-calm down!"
"Coco! Like the Disney movie!"
Virgil paused for a moment. "Y-Yeah. Whatever." Before either of them could say anything else, the door swung open and something knocked Virgil off his feet.
Virgil's fight or flight instinct was about to kick in until he felt something licking his face. He soon realised what it was. "J-Junior?" he asked in bewilderment.
"Coco?" he heard a new voice say in equal confusion. He looked around, trying to absorb what had happened.
Someone had walked into the office — someone with the real Junior no less — and they were currently holding Coco to their chest. His heart fell into his stomach as he realised what was happening. No. Please, no.
He made eye contact with Junior's owner. They seemed excited, but Virgil was very much not. Why here? Why now? Why today? He didn't want this right now, he couldn't.
"Oh... my goodness," Mr Sanders murmured. "Are you two—"
"No," Virgil spoke firmly. "We - we can't b-be."
"Well, why not, kiddo?" The mystery person finally spoke up. "This is Coco, right? Your soul spirit? And I know you know who Junior is. So we're—!"
"D-Don't!" Virgil cut him off. "Don't say it! P-please. I can't d...do this today. Not right n-now."
They both became both confused and concerned. "What do you mean?" the student asked.
"I don't want a sou—" Virgil cut himself off. He didn't even want to utter the word. "I don't want this. Okay? It's - it's too much pressure, it's t-too much... s-socialising, it's just... it's too much, okay? I'm not... ready for this."
The poor boy's heart seemed to break. Virgil felt awful for hurting his feelings but he absolutely refused to have any soulmates right now. He wasn't ready.
"Virgil," Mr Sanders began softly. "Have you... ever met one of your soulmates before?"
Virgil decided to lie and silently shake his head. Thinking about Dolon was too painful for him right now. The way he left him. He suddenly wondered how the principal knew he had more than one. Perhaps the boy standing by the door had mentioned having multiple and Mr Sanders drew upon that knowledge.
"Well, maybe getting to know Patton will be better than you think. Maybe it'll surprise you."
Virgil shook his head again, more vigorously. "No. It's... it's not worth it. It doesn't l-last. So just... sh-show me around the - the school or whatever, but... I'm not... ready for a... I'm not ready for this, okay?"
"That's okay, kiddo," Patton tried to sound encouraging but couldn't quite hide the hint of sadness in his voice. "I'll just... be your tour guide! Nothing more, unless you want more! How does that sound?"
He looked up at Patton, taking in his camp counsellor vibe. The light grey cardigan wrapped around his sky blue polo shirt like a scarf, his glasses with the golden circular frames, his shimmering baby blue eyes, his curly sandy brown hair that looked like it needed cut, the freckles dotting his face like constellations, and the sad smile he wore to presumably conceal his hurt feelings. Virgil hadn't been here for more than ten minutes and he already made someone upset. He hated himself for that.
"Yeah. F-Fine. Show me a...around, and that's th-that."
Patton's smile brightened ever so slightly, but it still didn't reach his eyes. "Great!" He reached down to help Virgil up, causing the boy to flinch ever so slightly. He needed to get his anxiety under control. He reluctantly took Patton's hand, getting to his feet while Junior walked circles around him excitedly. Patton looked to the principal. "We'll be out of your hair, then!"
Mr Sanders gave a small smile. "You make sure Virgil feels right at home! And Virgil?" Virgil looked towards him, worried about what he was going to stay. "Remember what I said; my door is always open."
He simply nodded his head, wanting to speak but getting his words stuck in his throat. He silently followed Patton into the now empty hallway. Had the bell already rung? He must not have noticed, having been... distracted.
"Well, let's see," Patton thought aloud. "This is the principal's office, obviously, so... let me show you where the gym is!"
Virgil cleared his throat. "Yeah, s-sure, I guess."
He followed Patton as he lead him down the hallway. It was quiet for a moment until the chipper boy spoke up. "So your name's Virgil, right?" Virgil nodded silently. "Well, I'm Patton! It's nice to meet ya!"
Virgil didn't want to say anything in return but he couldn't be rude. He hated himself for how he was reacting as it was. "You too... I guess."
They stopped in front of a pair of double doors. "Here's the gym! It's not my favourite class, but I always try to be a good sport!"
Virgil smirked at the pun, scoffing. "Puns? Really?"
"Yup! They're my specialty! When I'm thinking of sports puns, I always have a ball!"
He rolled his eyes fondly, the smirk still on his face. "Well... I've got some jokes of my own. Watch out, they might school ya."
Patton gasped loudly, the excitement on his face downright contagious. "No one has ever used a dad joke on me before!"
Virgil's smile grew at Patton's enthusiasm. "They might've been worried about being... punished."
Patton gasped again. "A pun... about puns. I've never been so proud of anyone before!"
Virgil couldn't contain his laughter. He immediately covered his mouth his his hand, blushing wildly. He didn't want to bond with Patton right now, he couldn't. "Um, uh, w-we should-d p-probably, uh, k-keep goin'. Uh, with the, uh... t-tour thingy." He kept his eyes on the ground, not daring to look in Patton's direction.
"Yeah, of course! Maybe I'll cool it with the puns. After all, I do know how to stay classy!"
"Oh my god."
They continued walking through the school, Patton making puns about every single classroom. Virgil didn't mind puns but he had his limit just like everyone else and he was about to go ballistic.
"This is the chemistry classroom," Patton continued as he pointed to one of the rooms in the hallway they were in. "We actually have chemistry together."
Virgil's heart suddenly raced. "Wh-what? What do y-you mean by that? What are you t-talking about?"
Patton gave him a look of confusion. "We... both have chemistry. It's your fourth period class." He gestured to Virgil's schedule, which said he had chemistry after English, algebra, and ASL.
Virgil sighed softly, rubbing his face with his hand. "I'm sorry. I just... sorry."
Patton paused for a moment before asking a question. "If you don't mind me asking... why does the idea of having a soulmate bug ya so much? Soulmates are an exciting thing! Someone you connect with and bond with! Like you're made for each other!"
Virgil didn't want to talk about it one bit. "I j-just don't... like it. That's all."
He decided to try again. "Well... when you said 'it doesn't last'... what did you mean by that, kiddo?"
Virgil wrapped his arms around himself, letting out another sigh. "When I was a baby... m-my mom died. She actually... died giving birth to me. Obviously, my - my parents were soulmates. And... I may not know what my d-dad was like before I was born, but... there's no way he's always been so... l-lifeless. So I don't want that in my life. That kind of... p-pain. For me or for...." He cut himself off, taking a deep breath. He rarely ever talked about his mom, but he knew he had to now. It wasn't necessarily the major reason behind his hatred of soulmates but it would do for now.
"I'm so sorry. I... I can't imagine something like that. It must be hard."
Virgil shrugged. "It's... fine. I was a b-baby, ya know? Don't even know what she looked like; my dad either hid all her pictures or he burned them." He paused before clearing his throat. "Just... k-keep that between us, alright? I don't want everyone to peg me as the 'half orphan boy that needs pity'."
"Sure thing, kiddo," Patton complied. He cleared his throat. "Well, I think I've shown you everything that I need to. Let me show you your locker next!"
They went to a hallway filled to the brim with lockers. Patton glanced at Virgil's paper again to see his locker number. He took a few steps down the hall, finding the locker that matched the written number.
"Here it is! It's actually pretty close to my locker!"
Virgil gave him an unconvincing grin. "Funny," he murmured as he began rotating the lock to open his locker. He got the door open on the first try, the emptiness of the locker staring at him.
"Alright, well, I think that's everything! Any questions?"
He sighed inwardly, still feeling guilty. "I... I'm sorry for... for being a - a dick."
"Well, language, but you don't have to be sorry! I enjoyed giving you a tour around the place!"
Virgil glanced in his direction. "R-really? Even after... ya know, in the o-office?"
"Well, I was kinda bummed at first when you said you hated soulmate stuff, but everyone feels differently about these things! You're totally valid, don't you worry! I mean we can still be friends, right? Unless you don't wanna be! Which is fine! I just like ya, and I know Junior does too!"
He didn't know what he wanted from Patton. Maybe he didn't want anything at all. But there was something about the giddy, pun loving boy that he couldn't shake. He liked Patton, he really did, but the soulmate thing scared him shitless. "I - I guess... w-we could," he replied before he could stop himself.
Patton's face lit up. "Super! Well, unless you need anything else, I'll see you fourth period, okay kiddo?"
"S-sure thi-thing-g, P-Patton." He waited until Patton and Junior were out of sight before letting himself crumple to the floor.
He brought his knees to his chest as his back pressed against the lockers, unable to breathe as the panic attack hit full force. He saw Basil's ghostly presence in front of him, unable to understand how he was still here. Basil should be gone, just like Dolon. Seeing the snake soul spirit before him triggered another intense flashback.
Virgil awoke that morning with a yawn. He expected Dolon to be by his side, but he was alone in his bed. He glanced around, unable to find him. He sat up and stretched, his back popping in a few places.
He got to his feet and went to find Dolon and make sure he was okay. He checked the kitchen and the living room, unable to find him. He passed by the bathroom, the door just slightly ajar. He pushed it open with one finger.
Dolon was in the bathtub. He wasn't moving.
He wasn't moving.
He wasn't moving.
All your fault. All your fault. All your fault.
Virgil was brought out of the flashback when he felt something wet against his cheek. He jumped, still shaking and barely able to breathe. Junior's ghostly form had climbed into his lap, licking his face. He held her close, repeating his breathing exercise over and over again until the anxiety passed for the most part.
He shakily got to his feet and put his things in his locker.
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A/N: oops :,)
Doesn't help that I'm listening to MCR's Welcome to the Black Parade right now *cries in g note*
Sorry it was so feelsy, I promise it'll get happier at some point :,) pls don't hate me ily kiddos 🖤