It had been about a month since I had left my house to permanently stay at Sean's. He and I had taken over the guest room because it was bigger and had the ensuite bathroom. Mostly it was my room but Sean and I always slept in the same bed, holding each other tightly. I found I could never get enought of it. I craved his touch even more now that he had went back to work.
I had applied for a few part time jobs; I didn't know if I was ready and could handle working full time right now. I certainly didn't need any added stress, but so far I hadn't been hired.
Things with my family were at an all time low. My dad called a couple times every so often, but if I answered I kept the conversation short and sometimes just ignored the call.
I could tell Sean worried about me and so I always tried to reassure him that I was fine. He could tell that the situation with my family was wearing on me though, thus he did everything he could to keep my mind off it. I was so lucky to have him. He was amazing in every sense of the word. We hadn't even remotely disagreed with each other since that embarrassing conflict that had started with me going down on him. My cheeks flushed read just thinking about how stupid I had felt.
Kim and I had become friends again, although I held her at arms length still. We'd hung out a couple times and she seemed geniunely saddened when I told her things with my parents were still severely strained. Sean's mom Kristen continued to try to reason with my mother, whom she used to be close too, but things seemed to remain as they were. I felt bad that I was hurting her relationship with my mom, who was her good friend, as well as my own. I sighed and sauntered into the kitchen, checking the fridge for something to eat for lunch.
There was some lunch meet and sliced cheese, as well as mayo, and my stomach rumbled. I snatched them out of the fridge and put everything on the counter, then moved to the pantry to get some bread. Once I finished making my sandwich, I took it over to the bar and sat down, reaching for the TV remote. I sat on the stool and watched while I ate, feeling bored out of my mind. I pulled out my phone and checked the time, it was only 12:30. Sean wouldn't be home until just before 3:00. I grinned like a dork at the picture of him I had set as my background. He was smiling and his eyes appeared to twinkle. I loved the picture so much I couldn't stop looking at it. He made me so happy. Suddenly the picture disappeared as a name flashed on the screen and it vibrated in my hand. I groaned loudly and stared at the screen, contemplating what I should do.
I decided to let it go to voicemail. I didn't want to talk to him. My dad had called yesterday and asked how I was doing. I answered with a curt 'fine' before an awkward silence ensued and he made up some excuse to end the call.
I quickly stuffed the rest of my sandwich in my mouth and ran upstairs to my room, fetching my wallet and keys. I hustled back down the steps and out the door, closing it behind me and locking it with my key. Sean had taken me to the store to have my own made when he went back to work, saying he needed to have his key with him and that it was only useful for me to have my own. It sounds stupid but I felt incredibly special knowing both he and his mom had trusted me with it.
I didn't have a car though so I figured I'd just walk. It wasn't too far to get to my parent's house from here. It had been so long since I had seen my mother and honestly I was hoping she wasn't home. I just wanted to see my old room again. I don't know why. I just wanted to look around. Maybe I was just bored. I knew my dad was at work so I thought maybe I could sneak in while nobody was home.
I reached the driveway and stood there for a moment, nervously tossing my keys around on my finger before taking a deep breath and walking up towards the house. Everything seemed still and quiet. God I hope she isn't home. Please don't let her be home. My stomach started churning and knotting with anxiety. Why did I come here again? At that exact moment I turned on my heel and briskly walked down the steps. I couldn't be here.
I walked around the neighborhood aimlessly for a while before I found myself at the cemetery. I hadn't even realized I had walked here. It wasn't too far but it was about a ten minute drive in a car, so it would take me a while to walk home.
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and somehow managed to move my feet. I walked through the grass and passed many different head stones, glancing briefly at different names as I passed. This is such a sad place.
I knew where Collin's grave was, it would forever be burned into my memory as the day of the funeral replied sharply in my mind. I came to a stop when I reached it and sat down, reaching up to brush off whatever dirt and grime was on it.
For a long time I didn't say anything, I just stared at the grave and gently ran my fingers over the letters that were etched into it, as if touching it somehow would bring me closer to him. I was disappointed to find that it didn't though. I found myself gazing up at the sky and whispering, "I miss you."
I wiped the lone tear the slipped down my cheek, and sniffled. It wasn't getting any easier. My heart ached for my brother, and time wasn't healing those wounds. I may not have felt near as alone and devastated as I had when it happened, but I still missed him more than anything and felt as though there was a void that would never be filled in me.
"I love you Collin. I think about you every day. I wonder what we'd be up to if you were still here. Whether you'd be teasing me about Sean. I can imagine you sticking your tongue out at me and saying 'I told you so' with a smug look on your face," I chuckled slightly at the thought. My eyes felt watery and my throat dry. I ended up talking to myself about hopefully getting a new job, how things were with Sean, what happened with the parents after everything that happened. I guess I rambled thinking Collin was somehow listening. I could picture him scrunching up his face slightly as he concentrated on what I was saying. He did that without even realizing. I never thought about little things like that until now, when I realized I'd never see it again. I'd never hear his laugh, see his smile, hear him yell, fight with him, any of it. These tight feeling engulfed my chest, as if I was being squeezed and I couldn't breathe. It was overwhelming.
Standing up I brushed myself off. I tried to fight back the tears by biting my lip hard. The lump in my throat began to almost hurt.
"I love you big bro," I sniffled, wiping at my nose. I trudged back the way I had come, my feet shuffling slowly through the grass.
I didn't know when I decided to stop and sit. But I did, I propped myself up against an old tree and pulled my legs up to my chest. I stared blankly out around me, taking in all the scenery. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, but my mind was distant and foggy, like I thought it was buzzing but didn't know for sure and I was too lazy to check.
It stopped before vibrating again. And again. It did it several times but my mind was still distant. I sat there with my back against the tree and closed my eyes. The sounds of birds chirping and car engines could be heard all around me. Life continued. In that moment I felt like I was stuck in place while the rest of the world continued around me.
Why did he have to die? What did Collin leave? Our lives would never be the same without him. The thought made me angry. But then I realized what I have gotten since he left. My thoughts drifted to Sean. How warm and gentle he could be. How understanding he has been. How he's never left my side. I don't know if I deserve him. All I know is that I want him and I need him.
My heart suddenly swelled when I thought of how Sean was my whole world. He was what was important. Collin was trying to show me, get me to realize for myself what was right in front of me all along. He knew. That jerk, he'd known, probably for quite some time. I smiled slightly and shook my head. Idiot should've told me. I wonder what he'd think now that Sean and I were together.
I reached in my pocket and pulled out my phone. I saw I had a couple missed calls from Sean and a text asking me to call him and if I was alright. I swiped the screen until I found his number, the tapped it. I out the phone to my ear and waited.
"Jake? Jake where are you? Are you okay? I'm kinda worried because you haven't been answering and you weren't here when I got home-," he rambled. My chuckling stopped him. "What?"
"I'm fine babe," I said, hearing him let out a breath of relief. "I'm sorry I scared you."
"Where are you?" He asked.
"I'm at the cemetery," I replied.
"The cemetery? Did you walk all the way there?" He asked incredulously. I nodded before remembering I was talking on the phone.
"Yeah," I said.
""I'll be there in five," he said before hanging up. It made me giggle. The dummy, it would take probably ten minutes at least to get here.
I felt lighter again after speaking with Sean. It was like he was my rock.
A little while later Sean's car came speeding up the street and came to a stop a short distance on the road in front of me. He had a panicked look on his face even though I had said I was okay.
He jumped out of the car and crossed over to me quickly.
"Hey," he said, plopping down on the grass next to me. He took my hand in his. "You sure you're okay?" He looked into my eyes deeply, his chocolatey brown eyes searching my face intensely. I leaned in and kissed his lips, brushing my hand through his hair lightly before nestling into him. He put his arm around me and scooted closer.
"I just miss him Sean. I kinda was wandering around and found myself here," I shrugged. He nodded in understanding.
"I miss him too Jake," he said softly, rubbing his hand up and down my arm as if trying to warm me up. I sighed contently.
"I'm just glad something good came out of all this pain," I said, looking at Sean's face. He scrunched his nose up slightly and looked at me puzzled, but didn't say anything. "You and I," I pointed at him and then myself. "Collin figured it out before we did. But I'm glad he made me realize," I explained. He smiled knowingly.
"Realize what?" He smirked. I punched his arm lightly.
"That I'm hopelessly in love with you...and that I think I've been for quite some time. I didn't want to admit it to myself at first," I shrugged, a blush forming on my cheeks. Damn I blushed easily. "I know it's cheesy, but-"
Sean curled a finger under my chin and forced me to look back up at him.
"I like cheesy," he said simply, before leaning down and touching his lips to mine. It was a chaste kiss, no tongue or moaning or anything, but I swear I felt so much from such a simple kiss. A warm feeling flooded my entire body, from the tips of my ears to the ends of my toes. It was as though a blanket had been thrown over me. At least that's the closest I could describe it.
Sean wrapped his arms around me tightly after we pulled away from the kiss and pressed his head against my chest. I slipped my fingers into his hair.
"Let's go on a date tomorrow," he said out of the blue. I looked down at him.
"Really?" I asked excitedly. I loved when we went go karting and to dinner.
"Of course. How about a picnic? How's that for cliche and cheesy?" He teased. I laughed. I genuinely laughed.
"You're such a goofball," I exclaimed. "A lovable one though." I nuzzled my nose against his. He chuckled.
"What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic." He said dramatically. I shook my head, a grin spreading across my face.
"That makes two of us," I replied as we both stood up together. We walked back to Sean's car hand in hand, and all the sadness I had been feeling when I walked here had been washed away as if it had never existed. All I could say..is that I'm so thankful for this cute boy. I couldn't take my eyes of him as he drove, his hand in mine the entire way back home. I felt like a giddy teenager and I couldn't stop smiling and blushing just from the touch. He had a hell of an affect on me. What had I been saying earlier? That I was stuck in place? I now felt as though I was spinning faster than ever....