FELIX
It's like a punch to the gut when I see her at her locker a few days later. Her words still on repeat in my head, playing over and over and over again. I thought we had something that could last anything, and I've never been so wrong in my life. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that we have more to say to each other. That we can't possible end like this.
I told her I was hers, and I meant it.
I fucked up.
I should have told her the second I got the offer from Berkeley, but it somehow felt impossible. She's had to deal with a lot. With a rockstar for a father, I can only imagine it's hard to trust people's intentions and if she found out that I could possible move three hundred miles away – I knew it would have freaked her out. I wanted to tell her myself. She deserved to hear the news from me, but I should have known it was going to catch up to me.
Every second I spent not telling her, was another second open for someone else to and of course, Greyson beat me to it. Of course, Davidson had to share the news with him.
It shouldn't have ended like this, and everyday that passes by is another day I wish things weren't like this. There has to be something I can do, or say to fix my wrongs but then I catch a glimpse of her in the courtyard, or the halls, or the parking lot. She looks drained, just as distort as I feel and I don't know if I can. That maybe, she may push me further away and that's my worse fear.
Losing her.
And somehow, I still managed to do just that.
I lost her, and when I did, she took a part of me with her because I wasn't kidding. Not when I said that I was hers, or that I loved her, or that I didn't know how to tell her. It was all true, because my heart is hers and I worry that I may never get it back or that I may not want it back.
No one has ever looked at me the way that she has, or cared so much. She didn't mean what she said, and I know that. We were both angry and upset, unsure of how to navigate these next steps and it left us vulnerable. To each other, and it eventually led us to implode upon ourselves. Our hearts open and completely exposed.
Stopping at my locker, I open the door to find the small picture of the two of us taped to the inside of the door from homecoming. She tagged me in it on her Instagram the day after we spent the night together for the first time.
She opened herself to me through her photography. Hundreds, upon hundreds of these beautiful images that exposed every inch of her to the world and after that night – she finally put her name to it. She took credit for it, and when I saw all these images she had put out for the world to see it felt like I was seeing a new part of her. A part she hadn't shared with anyone else, except she had.
Thousands of them and yet, somehow, it felt special to us.
And I hate this. I hate being away from her, because I don't want to know the other side of this. Of my life without her in it. I don't know how I didn't see this coming, how I didn't prepare myself for falling completely in love with her. Every part of my heart belonging to her, and I don't ever want to give it to anyone else.
Catching my breath, I reach for my textbook and catch a glimpse of her blonde hair as she walks by with her head down. I don't know if she noticed I was here and is avoiding the chance of catching my eyes, or if she didn't even know. My breath catches when I realize I'm staring, startled by the strong grasp on my shoulder and the sudden shake of my arm.
"Forget about her, man," Gavin claps his hand over my shoulder. "She made her choice. It was the wrong one, but it's over and done with. Time to get you back to yourself."
"Easier said than done, Gavin," I exhale softly as I turn back to my locker and take the notebook from the collection of them. I move my backpack off my shoulder, sliding the book into it. "What do you want?"
"Wow, remind me not to get on your bad side," he rolls his eyes at the ice cold tone of my voice. "We haven't hung out just us and the guys' in weeks. I get your heartbroken, but I'm not going to say I'm not happy about having my best friend back."
"I never went anywhere, Gavin," I sigh.
"You keep telling yourself that man," he shakes his head at me. "We're going to get pizza after school. You're coming with us."
"Thanks for the invite," I turn to him as I shut my locker door. "But, I'm not in the mood."
"Too bad," he wraps his arm around my shoulder. "You're coming, and you don't get to say no."
My instinct is to argue with him because the truth is, I really don't want to be around anyone. Not just him. I don't want to be around my friends, or my moms. I just want to wallow away in the comfort of my loneliness. My heart too broken to think of doing anything else. It's dramatic, and maybe a little selfish but then I look at his face and realize maybe he's right.
The first time I talked to Stevie in the corridor leading out to the stadium, that was it for me. She didn't know it, but I did. She had sunk her claws into me, forever leaving a mark and from that point on there were two things important to me. Her and football. They were all that mattered and maybe, I lost track of my friendships. Mainly with Gavin.
I've known the guy my whole life, and he somehow lost importance in my life when Stevie became a part of it. Maybe it's because of what happened, or because I truly am just a bad friend.
"Okay," I give in, nodding my head. "Sounds good."
"Glad to hear it," Gavin grins. "I'll meet you by your car after school."
Gavin walks by my side as we head down the hall, continuing on when I reach my classroom and spot Riker sitting at our lab table alone. I hesitate in the doorway for a second before walking over and pulling my notebook out of my bag before settling on the stool next to him.
After a moment of silence, I find myself breaking it. "I take it you hate me too?"
"Stevie doesn't hate you, Felix," Riker sighs, looking up from his phone and resting his hand on my shoulder with a gently smile on his lips. "She's scared, and when she's scared. She runs."
"Yeah," I exhale softly, rubbing my hand over the back of my neck. "I should have figured that out."
"Give it some time," he assures me, dropping his hand from my shoulder. "She'll come around. How are you holding up?"
"I've had better days," I admit. "I don't know how we got so lost. Everything felt so simple before, and now it's just so complicated. I didn't mean to hurt her."
"I know," Riker tells me. "We all do. Stevie, she's always needed to be in control of her life and everything going on around it. When our parents separated, she somehow felt like she could have done something to fix it when in reality all they needed was time. Then, when we were younger and our dad would go on tour, she always knew he'd come back until that separation. She couldn't control it and it completely messed her up."
Unsure of what to say, I simply nod my head. My thoughts swirling, this has more to do with Stevie, than it does with me. She's scared, and I don't blame her because I feel the same. The only reason I didn't share the scholarship information with her was for that very reason. Completely terrified that if I did, I'd lose this part of me that I gave to her.
"Just so you know, none of us blame you for anything," he turns in his seat. "Relationships are hard and weather you work things out with Stevie or not, we still care about you. So, if you ever need someone to talk to that may understand a little better than your football friends, I'm here."
I press my lips together and bob my head. "Thanks, Riker."
"Sure thing," he nods and I shift in my seat as our teacher steps up to the front of the room to start class. The rest of the day moving at a slow and painful pace until the day's finally over. The long hours dragged on, and I'm almost wishing I didn't agree to pizza with Gavin and the guys. My head feeling like it's ready to explode, and for the most part – I feel like I'm off in another planet.
"Dude, who puts alfredo on a pizza?" Gavin asks when the waiter leaves, so wound up in my own world that I barely realized we had gotten here. When I look down at the pizza, the knot in my stomach twists at the sight of Stevie's favorite in front of me.
The order given out of habit.
"That's disgusting, man," Gavin laughs but I can't look away from the plate in front of me.
"It's Stevie's favorite," I exhale, digging around my pant pockets for my wallet. "I've got to go."
"We just got here."
"Yeah, I know," I say as I stand up, throwing a twenty on the table with my untouched food. "Can you give him a ride home, please?" I look at one of my teammates who nods his head, allowing me to leave without worrying about Gavin.
"Felix, hold on," Gavin gets up from our table and follows me out to the parking lot, grabbing my arm before I can reach my car. "What the hell? You need to forget about her. She's just some girl."
"She's not just some girl!" I yell, letting my anger bubble over and as soon as I do – I feel guilty. He doesn't get it, but he's only trying to help. I just don't think that's an option for me right now. "She's not just some girl, Gavin," I say quieter, shaking my head. "She's it."
"You're going to be fine, Felix," he steps toward me. "It'll get better."
"And if it doesn't?" I ask, pulling my keys out of my pocket. "If I don't get over her?"
"You will."
Exhaling, I shake my head. "What if I don't want to? Gavin, I get that you think she was just some girl but you weren't there. We grew distant, I get that and I know part of it's my fault but you weren't exactly trying either."
"Do you blame me?" He asks. "After what happened?"
"You thought it was funny."
"I apologized for that," he argues and I squeeze my eyes shut. "Look, Felix, I get it. You found someone you wanted to be with. I just never thought it'd be at the expense of our friendship. I made a mistake. What I said, it was childish and Stevie deserved better than that but you never gave me the chance to right that with her. You never let me into this part of your life."
I realize that he's right. When I made things right with Stevie, it was like nothing else mattered and maybe that's why I didn't tell her about Berkeley. I put all my eggs in one basket, and if I lost her – I didn't know where that left me. I burned bridges with Gavin, with my team and I'd do it all over again to be with her, but maybe that's why we need to be apart.
To fix the things we broke when we were together, and we can't be together until we fix them.
"I'm sorry," I swallow. "I got swept up."
"I know," he moves forward and wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry too."
"I shouldn't have pushed you away."
"No, you shouldn't have," Gavin steps back. "Let's work on that for next time."
A small laugh falls from my lips, "Sounds good."
"You miss her, don't you?" He asks.
"Like crazy," I nod. "I messed up. In more ways than one."
"If it's meant to be, you'll work it out," he assures me. "And if that doesn't work, then we'll find a way to fix it together. We're a team, remember?"
It has more meaning than I originally thought it did. He's not just my teammate, he's my best friend and family. A family I neglected, but if I can fix this – then I know one day, I can fix everything with Stevie but Riker's right about one thing. She needs time, and so do I.
a/n;
The first bonus chapter is here and it's in Felix's perspective! It was much easier to write than I thought it was going to be and I'm insanely excited for the rest I have planned. If there's anything you want to see, be sure to let me know and I hope you enjoyed the first chapter.
:)