"Are you sure this is OK?" I laugh and drunkenly stumble onto Ash's bunk bed.
I try to get up from it a little too quickly and knock my head on the upper bunk bed. Ouch!
"Better be careful now." He laughs at me and offers me his hand to help me stand.
I take it and pull myself up with a little difficulty. I really need to sober a little for Ash's sake or he'll spend the entire night holding me up.
"We need to get that shirt off, you stink beer." He says kindly with an amused smile on his face.
He looks at me hesitantly for a second, but my lack of response doesn't stop him from taking the hem of my stained shirt. He lifts it up over my head and throws it on his bed. He takes one of his shirts he had taken out minutes ago and unfolds it between us. I feel a wave of warmth spreading through my body as I notice his eyes staring at me from head to toe. I take a step closer to him and take the shirt from his hands to put it on myself.
I tug it down, but unbutton my jean to slide it elegantly in before buttoning my jean again. I look up at him and clap my hands on my thighs as to say I'm ready to go.
"Alright then. You ready?"
He smiles at me with such generous happiness, it is contagious. I smile back at him and make my way out to the front of the bus. I climb down the three steps and come face to face with Michael making his way in.
"Oh sorry." I immediately apologise to him.
He doesn't respond, he simply smirks and looks up at Ash following me, shaking his head.
"What does that mean?" Ash asks him with a single laugh and an amused smile, but Michael keeps on shaking his head.
He looks at us both one last time. "You know what it means." He cryptically responds and he continues his way in the bus, making us lose him of sight.
"What was that all about?" I ask Ash, my curiosity devouring me, wanting in on the secret.
"Nothing you don't already know. Now, come on."
He takes my hand and pulls me towards the back entrance of the venue. It takes a moment for me to realise what he is doing.
"Why are we going back in there?"
"The next thing better than a packed venue is an empty venue." He looks at me with a spark of amusement in his eyes.
"How so?"
"Come on and you'll see."
We make our way back to the stage and we see the whole crew taking it down. He says hi to a couple of people and leads me to the technicians at their station. Some of the technical stuff is already being packed, but Ash has the time to show me quickly how these boards control the sound and the lights. I get amazed to see that so much of a concert is going on here.
Unfortunately, since the crew is taking down the stage, he cannot show me how the spotlights work and all, but I'm so amazed. And I realise by looking at all these workers how setting up and taking down a stage and its lights is hard work. Fortunately for them, they don't have a show the next night and they don't have to hurry to get it undone and shipped to another venue.
I'm looking everywhere around me, trying to look at everyone working, but get dizzy and lose balance. Ashley wraps an arm around me in a hurry to keep me steady.
"Come on, you need to sit down." He says and guides me to the seats behind the technicians.
We get a beautiful view of this whole venue, filled with black wooden boxes instead of the chairs that were up on the floor during the show.
As I get comfortable on my seat and look around, I feel the warmth of Ash's arm around my shoulder, but he looks at me in a concerned way. I immediately frown as a joke and mirror him.
"What is going on, Grace? You haven't really been yourself tonight."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know... You never really lead me on, but tonight it's all you do." He says slowly, weighing every word as to not offend me. "I'm not saying I don't like that, I've just made myself to the idea that you didn't like me that way, and now you are making it hard to resist you."
I feel bad to not be thinking a hundred percent clearly when he is opening up to me that way. I feel like I have just received a big smack on the face at the same time. Am I leading him on? Yes, maybe I did let him embrace me and holding my hand... I like Ashley, I really do, and the circumstances might have been different if Marcel and I never got involved. I use the fact that he isn't from here and that he tours Europe next week to keep a boundary between us. Maybe I wanted to let loose tonight and maybe blame whatever might have happened with him romantically on the booze. I'm not going to lie to myself. And I shouldn't lie to him either.
"You have no idea how much I respect you for saying that. I really like you, Ash. You are a wonderful and thoughtful friend, and an even better lover."
"Why do I sense like there is a but?"
"Because there is one... I got drunk today to numb the pain. I don't know if I'll regret telling you this tomorrow, but I never really stopped seeing Marcel. It got intense really quickly after that show in Manchester. We had a terrible few days of figuring out what we were going to do, and since we were involved at work, we decided to keep our romance a secret from everyone so that it wouldn't hurt our work... I'm sorry."
He takes back his arm from around me, and looks down for a few long seconds. He finally sighs and I look back up to his face. His eyes flicker from one eye to the other.
"Now I understand all those times you have pushed me away... I guess I should be thankful that you tell me the truth at all."
"It's not that I'm not attracted to you, because you are so fucking hot you've made me wet the second you got on that stage. Fuck! I shouldn't've said that!" I correct myself quickly and hide my face theatrically between my hands a moment and I hear him laugh. It makes me feel instantly better. "But it's just that Marcel and I, we compliment each other, in our interest, our personality and in our lifestyles..."
"If you are so happy with him, why would you want to numb the pain?"
"Oh boy... That's another deep subject I've been trying to forget all day..."
"Is it too much to ask?"
I look into his eyes and the only thing I see is pure kindness. I'm sure he isn't jumping at the idea to talk about another man, but I really appreciate the effort he makes to be there for me emotionally despite his grunge or jealousy he had in the past for Marcel. And Ash's genuine tenderness is making the choice so easy.
"We broke up this afternoon, right after you left the hotel. I was going back down to the conference hall to promote my book and I heard something I would have preferred not knowing."
"What was it?"
"An employee that Sophie and I despise told me that Marcel had murdered his father when he was fifteen."
I don't dare look up at Ash's reaction, because I am scared that it will simply cause more drama, and it is so not what I need right now. But he doesn't move. He doesn't react at all, he is thinking this through.
"What do you think about it?"
"I got scared. I've seen him be violent before. He has this anger inside him that I can't quite understand, but never has he been violent with me or has he led me to believe he would murder somebody. He adores his father. I don't see him doing this at all. But there is so much I don't know about him. He has so much depth, so much layers, it's hard figuring him out."
"So what happened with him?"
"I broke up with him. I didn't leave a violent relationship to fall into the same pattern again."
"And where is he now?"
"He left. He went back to London."
"Do you think he did it?"
"I asked his mum, and she said she always believed he did from the way he acted, but I really don't think he could have done something like that. He has anger issues and he is super protective, so I understand, but no. I can't imagine that such a tortured soul could kill the person he loves most in this world..." I let out and sigh, this conversation sobering me up at the quickest time. I had spaced out during my confessions and looked blindly at the crowd of workers in front of us, but now, I look back up to Ashley. "What do you think?"
"Innocent until proven guilty. I'm not saying that I love the man, but he's friends with Eddy. I can't see him hanging out with a guy like Marcel if he was that evil. Yes, he's creepy. Yes, he is weird, always looking at everybody without saying anything. He's an excellent guitarist, I have to give him that, but he doesn't smile, nor talk to anyone but Eddy. I've always considered him borderline sociopath."
I don't know why, but it makes me laugh. And laugh. And laugh. It's probably the alcohol that tipped it off, but Ash saying that Marcel is a sociopath makes me laugh so uncontrollably it's almost ridiculous.
When I gain back my composure, I wipe my eyes and look back up at Ash and nod.
"Yes, I can see why you might think that. He doesn't care much about what doesn't concern him. When his father died, it's like he shut completely off, and now he is rebooting. He learns how to express himself and thinks more than just about himself. Anyway... That is so not what you would rather be talking about."
"No, exactly, but if you want or need to talk about it, I'm here for you."
"You are so sweet, it makes you sexy. Now, come on, I need to move or else I might do something I regret."
"Then let us stay here then."
He tugs on my hand to bring me back next to him, but I fall on his knees. I laugh but try to get up to get going somewhere else. He lets my hand go to put both of his hands on my waist, still keeping me steady on his knees. I look down at his hands, and then up to find his eyes. He has brought our faces closer and I can feel him inhale as he leans in closer. I can't seem to move for a second, inhaling as well, our mouths only an inch apart. I freeze, I don't know what to do, I don't even know if I want to kiss him. But the sexual tension between us is making it hard to resist him. He smells a mix of sweat, beer and cologne, which is a major turn on. I've always loved Ash's body odour.
I am about to kiss him when my lips instead say "where to next?". For a second, I feel my body deflate like a pierced balloon and I feel disappointed, but not as much as I feel his disappointment. I'm happy of my self control. I deserve better than to throw myself into any men's arms, even though Ash isn't just anybody.
"You hungry?" He simply says and I nod.
Even though we've just talked about sensitive matters, he acts as if nothing had happened and he takes my hand again to make me climb the stairs to the first floor level, where the outside exits are. But instead of taking me outside the venue, he takes me to the upper floor and sneaks me into the first room we see. We are in a loge!
Ash walks in as if he owns the place and turns on all the lights in the room. He walks to the counter and looks at what is in front of him.
"Fancy something to drink?"
"Anything else than water and you'll have to carry me out of here."
He laughs and his smile grows dimples on each cheeks which charms me. He throws me the bottle of water he found in the mini fridge and helps himself with a beer. He opens it with ease and throws the cap on the counter next to the pizzas. Ashley throws to the ground the empty boxes and he finds a box with only one slice missing. Once again, he helps himself and takes a bit of his slice of margarita pizza. With his mouth full, he takes the box and offers me one slice. I take it without hesitation, I'm starving! All this alcohol has made me hungry.
We are each onto our second slice when we hear loud noises from the seats of the section below. We walk deeper into the room to the loge's seats to see a security guard shouting at us.
"What are you doing still here?! You need to leave, now!" He yells at us from the seats right below our section. We know that he only has to climb a level of stairs before finding us here, where we don't belong!
So, it's with a slice in hand that we leave the loge in a hurry. We can't take the stairs down, the security guard will catch us. Ash leaves his beer in the room and takes my only free hand to make me run around the floor until we find another staircase or the closest exit. We cross many employees of the venue that don't speak to us, but look at us like we aren't supposed to be still here.
"We are lost looking to find an exit!" I let out quickly as we run. I look back to see if the security guard is still following us and he is.
"This way!" Ash says and tugs my hand in the direction we need to go because I didn't look the answer the employee has given me.
He tackles a metal door to not use his hands and we find the staircase that leads us straight outside. We run until we reach the corner of the street and we finally catch our breath. We continue walking I don't know where, in this fresh June air, as we continue on eating our slice of pizza.
"Well, that was exciting!" I tell him as soon as I have swallowed my last bite. I rub my hands on my jeans to get rid of the leftover flour on my fingers from the crust of the pizza. "What are we doing now?"
I look at him with an amused smirk on my lips. I'm already having so much fun, I don't want this night to end. We've left the Lowland of the Royal Highland Center minutes ago, but I already feel lost. I know we are close to the airport because I can see airplanes flying above us with their beautiful flashing lights in this very dark night sky. We are very far from The Balmoral.
"I was thinking about going for a drink in the city, what do you say?"
"Don't you think I've drunk enough?" I joke and grab a better hold of his arm with both of mine.
"I just want you to have fun."
"I already am." I smile at him looking down a second and our eyes meet. "I've never felt this carefree in my life. That's what I love when I'm with you. Everything is so simple."
"You know it could always stay that way... if you were to give me a chance." He confesses, but doesn't stop walking forward. It doesn't make this moment awkward, it makes me think it through.
"I know it could. And I know we could have something good, but it's not just about us. You are Australian, you have a family back home, and you are going on tour. So maybe our relationship wouldn't be complicated, but the situation around us is."
My response keeps him silent for a few minutes, and I feel sorry. I don't want him to think I am using him, I am not. Now that he knows the whole truth, he knows where my intentions are. I can't still understand why me? The fat ginger girl, tortured by all her complexes and the trauma she's suffered in her last relationship... I'm not any special...
Just when I was questioning myself, Ashley seems to be doing the same. I never thought he would have the same concerns as I do.
"Why him more than me? You know I would never treat you badly. You know I'm not violent." He says calmly and I agree to it all. They are just so different. I'm not saying I wouldn't be happy with Ash, but Marcel challenges me intellectually and sexually. I've rediscovered myself with Mace.
"I've written a book about my ultimate fantasy to escape what I was living with Steeve. Even though I didn't like Marcel at the beginning, getting to know him made me realise he was exactly like the man I had created without even knowing it. He's even better, because he is real."
"Hard to compete with that." He says on a sarcastic tone.
"I don't know if Mace and I are meant to be, but I'm certain with everything in me that we were destined to meet. He has made me embrace all that I am. I see myself as a woman now. I know my worth. I'm thankful for what I've been through."
"That's a mature way to look at it."
"There's no other way to look at it." I retort instantly. "I can't stop myself and look only at the bad sides or see the glass half empty, I have to simply be happy to have something in the glass at all."
He stops walking because he sees a vacant taxi coming our way. He walks to the road and lifts his hand to get the driver's attention. He then turns his attention to me.
"It wasn't a complaint. I love the way you see things. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. I love that." He responded without looking at me, watching the taxi coming to us.
"You serious?" I ask, because I didn't see his face. He still doesn't look at me, he opens the door for me instead so I join his side to get in. I take advantage of this moment to look into his eyes as he responds with a large smile.
"Yes. Now get in." He chuckles and follows me inside the taxi.
Somehow I don't get comfortable on my seat, I move a lot to find a great posture which makes Ashley laugh at me a little.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, just not comfortable. I feel like there's a needle on my back applying pressure." I let out and realise that I usually get this ache when I'm stressed. But I can't figure out what I could be stressed about.
"Come here." He opens his arm and invites me to his side. It makes me smile softly.
I get up from my seat and slide the one between us down so that I can sit next to him. I lean tenderly against him as his embrace embraces me to him. I move my shoulders to fight that ache and it disappears, so I stay in that position, entirely relaxed. My head being on Ash's chest, I slowly feel his cheek starting to rest on the top of my head.
"This feels good." He hums and I'm so relaxed that I let my eyes close a second. I get lost in my head until he sighs heavily.
I feel very happy to have him in my life, and I really want him to know. I feel suddenly very giddy, I'm happy to not be looking at him. I think I would lose all confidence to say this.
"You are very important to me, Ash. Before there was anything with Mace, you made me realise that I could be treated better. You made me see that my relationship wasn't normal nor was it OK to let myself believe I didn't deserve better. I broke up with Steeve because of you. Because of you, I have fully embraced who I am as a person. I've never enjoyed life as much as I do since I've met you."
My heart is racing, and I don't know why. I've never felt nervous in that way with him. I don't know if it was a good decision to tell him that, I don't want to offend him. It seems like I've been friendzoning him all day, when he is so much more than that to me.
I feel him move over me so I part from him to have a better look at him. I really hope he didn't take it bad, I just really wanted him to know how much he means to me and how much I care.
Our eyes meet for long seconds, I try to read him, but can't. A sorry smile grows on my face as I look down and part from him. He takes one of my hands into his to intertwine our fingers together. And as previsible as it might have been, I'm surprised when he dives in with a hold on the side of face and I feel his lips on mine.