I felt incredibly stupid. Sean has been acting different ever since this morning at breakfast. He would barely even touch me or cuddle or anything like we usually do. I tried to pretend like everything was normal and I could tell he was doing the same, but inside I was deeply regretting what had happened. Oh god I'm such an idiot. I didn't know what to do now because I couldn't change what had happened earlier.
Sean was seated beside me on the couch while we absentmindedly watched TV. He moved to get up and walk away but I grabbed his arm to stop him.
"Sean what's wrong?" I asked hesitantly, looking up at him briefly before flicking my eyes away. He swallowed. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have done it." I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head.
"Jake," Sean sighed, sitting down on the edge of the couch uncomfortably. He ran his hand over his face and through his hair before continuing. "About earlier, it's not that I didn't want that to happen...." He trailed off.
"Then what?" I asked, feeling so stupid about everything. "You're acting all weird now and I feel like absolute shit." Sean's eyes widened with concern and he grabbed my arms roughly.
"Jake I don't want you to feel like that. That's not what this is about. Of course I don't mind doing those things with you. I love you. It's just that...I...I feel like you only did it because you are trying to distract yourself," he explained, sucking in a breath as he said the last part. I frowned at him, shaking his hands off me and standing up. Now I was even more upset.
"What!? I did it because I wanted to! If that's not what you want then stop me! Say something. I've needed you now more than ever and you feel like I'm just using you!? Wow!" I said, raising my voice.
"Jake! That's not what I meant! I don't think you're just using me!" He shouted back, his forehead creasing. He stood up to face me.
"That's exactly what you meant," I said, lowering my voice. Shaking my head and headed out of the room.
"Where are you going? You're just gonna walk away instead of talking about this?" Sean asked annoyed. I rolled my eyes and turned around.
"There's nothing more to say," I said flatly and headed out of the living room and around the corner. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted Sean's mom. 'Hey is it okay if I use the guest room?' I messaged her. I made my way to Sean's bedroom and began gathering up my clothes and stuffing them back into my black bag. My back was facing the door but I heard Sean come into the room.
"Jake what are you doing?" He asked, snatching my hand away from my bag. Just then my phone beeped and I checked the new message. Kristen had messaged me back. 'Of course you can hun. What's wrong? Did something happen?' I felt even more stupid because I couldn't exactly tell his mother that we were fighting because of our sex life. That just wasn't possible. So I just kept my explanation short. 'Everything's good. I just felt it would be better for Sean and I to be in separate rooms since I'm staying for a while. You sure that's okay? I don't mean to intrude.' I quickly typed. Sean was looking at my fingers as I tapped. He raised an eyebrow expectantly.
"We have to talk you know. You can't just shut me out when you feel threatened or afraid or embarrassed," he stated.
"There's nothing to talk about Sean. You didn't want it, I did it and can't change it. That's the way things are. I'm sorry for what happened. I didn't mean to pressure you or make you uncomfortable," I mumbled, going back to shoving stuff in my bag. He huffed and sat on his bed.
"You're not listening to me. I never said I didn't want that. I just want....I want us to do those things because we feel like we should. Like when we are happy and....I know how it sounds but...I want it to be because you love me. Not because you're upset and want to let off some steam," he rambled, looking down at his hands in his lap.
"Why didn't you say this earlier?" I questioned, looking directly at his face. He brought his eyes up slightly to meet mine.
"Because I get lost in the moment just like everyone else," he replied, grabbing my hand and pulling me closer to him. "You're not leaving are you?"
"No, I'm just gonna stay in the guest room. I think it would be better for your mom and for us," I said, avoiding his gaze. He nodded his head sadly.
"Now I know how you feel. Incredibly stupid," he said.
"It's fine," I replied, "Besides, you go back to work tomorrow."
"Yeah," he said sadly.
"I'm gonna go outside for a bit, get some fresh air," I told him as I shuffled over to the doorway with my bag.
"Okay. I'll just be here for a while," he replied. I nodded and then hurried across the hall to the guest room, flung my bag on the bed and then hurried downstairs.
I opened the front door, closed it behind me and then sat down on the front step, feeling the warm sun on my face. The sun would be setting soon, and I always loved watching the sunsets. They were so beautiful. Each one was it's own original creation and they never ceased to amaze me. I closed my eyes and pictured Collin's smile. God I missed him so much. If he was here right now he would now what to say. How to help. "I could use your help big brother," I whispered to myself, looking up at the sky. "I miss you so much."
The wind blew lightly against my face and I smiled in response. I kept my eyes closed just taking in all the sensations and sounds around me. It relaxed me somehow. Suddenly the light went darker and my nose tickled with the faint smell of perfume. My eyelids fluttered open to see Kim standing in front of me. I sprang to my feet and took a few steps back.
"Kim!" I exclaimed. "You scared me." I drew in a deep breath. She held her hands up.
"Sorry Jake, I didn't mean to," she replied, focusing her gaze intensely on me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked gently, not wanting to start a fight but clearly confused as to why she was here considering how our last meeting went.
"Well I decided to go for a walk and then...I ended up here," she replied, still looking directly at me. She shrugged her shoulders slightly. "I guess I figured we could talk. I lucked out not even having to knock," she chuckled a little, trying to lighten the uneasiness we both were feeling.
"Okay, um...do you wanna just walk with me?" I breathed out. She nodded.
"Sure."
I walked down the steps and together both of us walked down the driveway and turned onto the sidewalk, walking slowly side by side. I fidgeted with my hands nervously.
"So," I hesitated, not knowing what to say or where to start.
"First of all, Jake, I just want to say how sorry I am for before. I was a real jerk," she said, glancing over at me.
"Thanks, I appreciate that," I replied.
"You know, when you came over last night, I guess I was just shocked. I've been really selfish lately. I mean, with everything you've been going through, all I could think about was myself and that wasn't fair of me," she explained. I raised an eyebrow. "I guess I was jealous. I am jealous. I mean....I've liked you for a while and I never did anything about it because I was too shy. When Collin said that you used to have a crush on me..I guess I took it as you still did and I wanted it so badly."
"I'm sorry Kim," I said, coming to a stop and turning to face her. She shook her head.
"You didn't do anything wrong Jake. I'm sorry about Colling and everything that has happened. I really am. I feel horrible. More than anything...I just didn't want to believe you were gay because I just wanted you so badly to like me back. I know how dumb that is. I can't even believe I treated you the way I did," she said, emotion edging into her voice. "I've been a terrible friend. I behave so horribly and at a time when you needed a friend more than anything." I pulled her into a hug.
"It's okay. Really," I said. She wiped a tear from her eye as she pulled back from me.
"Well, I'm glad I got the chance to explain," she sniffled. "Can you forgive me for being a stupid selfish jerk?"
"Of course," I smiled at her.
"Thanks Jake. It feels so good to not be fighting anymore," she said.
"Yeah I agree."
"So how's Sean? Are you staying with him since your parents..." she trailed off, knowing she was touching on a sensitive subject. I stiffened.
"Yeah I'm staying at his house. My mom still doesn't wanna believe me. She thinks I'm just being needy and acting out after Collin's accident." I shrugged like it was no big deal. I didn't want to explain to her that Sean and I were currently not on the best terms.
"I'm sorry Jake. I know it must be hard," she said, putting a hand on my shoulder. The sun was starting to set and the air was getting cooler. The sky was lit up with many shades of orange and yellow. I smiled at the scene.
"Thanks Kim. I'm glad we got to talk. I should probably be heading back. The sun's going down," I pointed out. She nodded in agreement. We had walked down the length of the street.
"I'll see you around Jake?" She asked carefully. I nodded.
"Yeah, see you around," I replied. With that, she turned and hurried down the street and turned the corner, obviously not wasting time to walk back to her house before dark. I chuckled to myself and turned and headed back the other direction, I was about 5 houses away from Sean's. I groaned internally when I reached the driveway. I didn't wanna have any more arguments with him. I was tired of arguing, just like I told my parents, I didn't want the drama. I was done with that.
I wandered up the driveway and turned around and did a double take. Sean's car wasn't here. He must've went somewhere after I walked off with Kim. I sighed and made my way to the house. The front door was unlocked just like I left it, Sean must've went out through the garage. I pushed the door open and hurried inside. I felt slightly guilty for being somewhat happy that he wasn't here, because that meant I didn't have to face him for the time being.
Closing the door behind me, I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, looking for a water bottle. I took a seat at the bar on a bar stool and my cheeks flushed red when what happened here at breakfast this morning flashed in my mind. I shook my head to clear the thoughts and just then heard the garage door going up. It must be Sean's mom coming home from work.
"Boys? Anyone here?" She called, coming into the house.
"In the kitchen," I answered. Kristen came around the corner and set some groceries on the counter. "You went shopping?" I asked. She nodded.
"Yeah I figured I'd pick up some things on my way home from work. Where's Sean?" She asked, regarding me curiously. I shook my head.
"I don't know. I went outside for a walk and when I came back in his car was gone," I replied, looking at the lid of my water bottle sitting on the counter.
"Oh. I'll have to call him and see what's up. Are you two fighting?" She asked. I groaned in my head. I really didn't wanna have this conversation with her. Oh my god, please.
"Kind of. Just the typical friend stuff, no biggie," I said, trying to brush it off. She seemed to sense that I didn't want to discuss it with her because she simply nodded and started unpacking the groceries. "I'm gonna get a job soon." She turned around and smiled.
"That's great. You don't have to though honey."
"Nah I want to, I can't let you and Sean buy me everything. I already feel like a freeloader because you're letting me stay here," I said.
"You're not a freeloader Jake," She said, shaking her head. There suddenly was a knock at the door. Kristen whipped her head in the direction of the front door, then returned her gaze to me.
"Who'd be knocking this late on a Sunday?" She asked, mostly to herself before hurrying out of the room to answer the door. I frowned with confusion. It wasn't Sean, because he wouldn't knock. Where the hell was he anyway?
"Oh. Come in." I heard Kristen say, then the door closed. I heard footsteps heading in my direction and my heart started pounding for no particular reason. "Jake, someone's here," she told me as soon as she reentered the kitchen. I arched an eyebrow in confusion before he stepped into the room.