Snow Carr Northridge
It's been three weeks since I started this whole facade with Damien and need I say, I have become very very very fond of him. When we hang out together, if he's not busy staring at and making fun of Carrie, he's trying to frustrate me and suffocate me with his ego and humor. I do like him.
I walked towards the window and stared at the skyline, everything looked calm and peaceful. If only I could have that kind of peace, if only I could be like Carrie, with a man who loves me helplessly like Damien loves her, even though she's too blind to see it. It's been three weeks and I feel like Ian barely noticed I have been keeping late nights and receiving calls that extended into the night, although most of them were always from his sisters anyway.
It was already nearing 8pm and Ian wasn't home yet, I would have to heat up dinner if he was going to eat a warm food. He wasn't supposed to stay out this long today and I itched to pick up the phone and call him but the plan was to stay away, the plan was to not act desperate even though it was killing me. Would I be so wrong to show that I was desperate?, I desperately needed to be loved by him, I needed him to know just how much I love him, just how much I ache for him, just how much I want to be more than just a surrogate to this beautiful bundle of joy that I already love more than life.
The thought of giving this baby up always made bile rise in my throat, how would I go back to living life and pretending I didn't have a child who came out from me, a child who I nursed in early years, a child who I have grown to love. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to walk away, it wasn't just the baby, it was the baby's father. I didn't want to leave Ian behind, I didn't want Ian to think I love someone else, I didn't want to continue pretending, I wasn't good at it anyway.
I heard the lock turn and my breath caught in my throat, the door opened and he strolled in, looking every inch of the perfection that he was, that he is. Our eyes met and I didn't know wether to make the first move or to wait for him to say something.
"You're late" my heart got the better of me and I asked. He sighed and ran his hand through his already tousled hair. He looked tired and his eyes held various emotions, anger being the most prominent. What did I do now?
"I had things to think about" he said and I embraced my bulging belly and turned around to face him fully.
"Wanna talk about it now or after dinner. I cooked dinner but I'm going to have to heat it up before...."
"What's going on Snow?" He asked, the anger now seeping into his voice. Well, I guess he wants to talk about it now.
"What do you mean what's going on. I have no idea what you're talking about" I said. Times like this are when I wished I had something to do, to keep my hands busy and to avoid myself looking into his angry eyes that still somehow managed to make my nerves become fritzy.
"I don't know what is going on but who is the new guy you've been hanging out with. Paparazzi caught a picture of you with a certain guy, having the time of your life and being so carefree, I had to pay him off not to release it. You are already keeping late nights and it's a miracle I even met you home today, let's not mention the late night calls. What is going on?. I deserve an explanation" he said and I sighed.
"I am not cheating on.... Well, sleeping with another guy wouldn't even be cheating since we're not together.. But whatever, I am not doing anything wrong with him. He's a new friend that I happen to be very comfortable with" I didn't lie. Right?
"Oh really. What kind of friendship requires you keeping late nights and having midnight calls. You are a married woman Snow, a pregnant married woman. Don't forget you're the crown princess too" He said and I started to get mad too. Why make me carry that title when he only treats me like a roommate.
"It's all on paper Ian" I said nonchalantly and his eyes blazed. I had never seen such fire in his eyes.
"Does he know?.. Snow, did you tell him about the contract?" He asked and I swallowed. Here goes.
"Yes Ian. I told him about the contract. I told you, he's my friend, we talk a lot and I can't hide. I'm not good at hiding, I'm not good at keeping things when I meet someone who is trustworthy. I had to open up, who knows... When all this is over, he could be my chance at forever" I said. What a lie!. Damien would never see me that way, not like I wanted him to anyway. I'm far too gone for Ian. Not even Seven can make me get over Ian.
"Wow. Wow Snow. I never should have trusted you. That information is highly classified and confidential!. You are so stupid and naive!. You don't go around trusting people like that. When did you even meet him?" He said and I chuckled humorlessly.
"Well, I didn't know you for a lifetime before I signed over my life to you. You have no right to judge me Ian. You have absolutely no right to get mad at me. Yes, I love you. So what?, big deal!. You don't even love me back, I'm pregnant, every day, I get closer to delivering this baby and once I nurse the baby for a while, I'm going to walk out of your life. I am not like you Ian, I am not allergic to love" I said and his eyes sparked, I almost apologized but he needed to hear this.
"I am a very needy person, extremely emotional. I need love, I want to be loved, to be cared for. What if Damien is the one, how do you expect me to push away my one shot at happiness over a pretence?!. Do you think it will be easy for a woman who divorced the crown prince and had a child for him to find another husband?. People won't know the story Ian and they won't want to get close enough to hear it!. Forget Damien, we're not together, I am not interested in him, I don't love him and good news, he loves someone else. Someone wonderful. It's not about Damien, Ian. It has never been about Damien. It's about me not holding myself back when someone new comes along. I love you Ian, I still do but I'm going to try my best to get over you."
"Snow...."
"You don't have to keep hiding from me Ian. I know you've been trying to run away, I know how you try to make yourself invisible. You don't have to do it anymore, I told you, I am not waiting around for you to return my feelings. It's my mess, I'll fix it." I said and walked into my room. Dinner can go to blazes for all I care. I shut the door, slid down with my back against it and waited for the tears to come, and when they did, it was like all hell breaking loose.
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"So you're saying you may or may not have told him the truth about us?" Damien said as we sat at a booth in a small cafe shop at the end of town. I shrugged.
"Sort of. You don't have to call me or make me hang out with you guys longer than necessary. I think the air has been cleared. I was never going to pull this through anyway. I'm very very bad at pretending" I said and Damien faked hurt.
"Wow, I'm so hurt. I would have expected you to like me naturally. Now you can't even pretend to like me?. I have never been so hurt in my life" he said and I chuckled.
"I don't call you or keep you longer because of the deal you know. I like hanging out with you, I don't really have friends. I'm someone who keeps to himself a lot. The only friend I have is Carrie and well, I don't see her as just a friend so it's nice to have someone you can have a good time with, without trying so hard to not push her against the wall and do some crazy things to her" he said with a wink and I blushed on behalf of Carrie.
"You are so so in love with her. Since when have you known her?" I asked and he smiled, a beautiful smile that reached his eyes, nose, ear and neck even.
"About a year and half ago. She was driving like a maniac and I was also driving like a maniac although I had a justifiable reason, I didn't know she had a justifiable reason too. I was Selfish, I needed to get to the hospital as soon as I could, if I could fly, I would have. I mistakenly hit her car and I got am earful but I wasn't into it, I dropped a wad of cash into her hands, got into my car and drove off. I thought I would never see her again until I bumped into her at the hospital. She was one of the doctors on duty at the pediatrics department and she was placed in charge of my patient. I guess she disliked me a lot but when she heard the reason why I had to hurry, she became softer with me although she still disliked me for dropping the money. She paid me back in double and we've been friends since then" he said and I grinned. What an unusual story.
"Tell me more about you. I always hear her making references to Cammy. Who was Cammy to you?" I asked and a shadow flickered across his features. Of course, every one was hurting inside. Some just hide it better than others.
"My Ex-wife." He said and I gasped. I would have thought girlfriend, so they went far.
"We were married four years, blessed with a daughter who is currently 3. Emerald is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was the one I rushed to meet at the hospital when I met Carrie. Cammy and I were good until Carrie came into the picture, although we've been having minor issues ever since Emerald came along. I don't think she wanted a baby but she had no choice but to come to terms with it. When Emmy came down with pneumonia and Carrie and I started spending time with her cause Cam wouldn't show up until later, she started accusing me of slowly replacing her. I wasn't surprised when the divorce letter came in " he said and I sighed. What sane woman would divorce a man like this????.
"Wow. You've never mentioned your daughter, what's she like. I want to know her" I said and he smiled again. A smile twice brighter than the one he smiled when I asked about Carrie. He's completely smitten by his baby girl. Ian would be a dad like this too.
"Her hair is Raven black and she has the brownest eyes in the universe. A splitting image of her mum. Emmy is the most beautiful girl in the universe, she's completely taken by everything medical. Get her a doll and she's smile, get her a plastic stethoscope and she'd write you thank you notes every day for a week. Carrie rubbed off on her. I think that's one of the things that ticked Pam off the most. Cammy loves fashion and girly things. Emmy hates pink and loves grey, she'd rather have you read her a book about curing cancer than reading her Cinderella stories. I doubt she even understands what those books say, I read them to her anyway. I don't have a choice." He said, his eyes twinkling.
"I'd like to meet her" I found myself saying. I haven't met the three year old but I'm completely taken by her.
"Well , today's your lucky day. I'm picking her up in 30 minutes" he said and excitement bubbled in my blood. My hands instinctively went to my belly. How I would have loved to watch you grow, watch you settle in life, learn to know your best colour, learn to know what you want, what you like, what your best food is. Would you be a Superman fan or a spiderman fan?. Would you like books or soccer?. Would you like pink or blue?, how I would have loved to be your mother in every sense of the word.
I deeply apologize for the slow updates.
I am so sorry .
I'll try to do better..
I've been very busy with School, survival and all sorts.
When I get home after each day, I just hit my bed and try to rest before I break down. It's really not my wish to leave you all hanging but my schedule is not something I can help.
Form now till August, its going to be a very busy time for me.
Don't give up on this book. I'll make time for it, I'll make time for you all.
I love you all dearly.
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