Hidden Thoughts

35. A hymn for my father

Dear Father!

Thank you
for all the curses you used to name me,
the names you called me
and
insults you used to describe me.

Thank you
for all the times I cried myself to sleep
and
for telling me how worthless I am.

Thank you
for showing me, over and over again
that I am not good enough
and
how incompetent I am.

Thank you
for every time I wanted to hurt myself because of you.

Thank you
for never being there for me
and
for always putting me down.

Thank you
for all the yelling,
it's the only way of communication you understand.

Thank you
for all the beatings I had to breathe through.

Thank you
for always calling me stupid,
an idiot
and some very bad words.

Thank you
for all the love
I have never received from you.

Thank you
for making my life harder than it already is.

Thank you
for all the words spoken,
anchored inside my head.

Thank you
for never caring for me,
using me to be your slave.

Thank you
for all the encouraging words I never received.

Thank you
for filling my life withe negativity.

Thank you
for all the hair-pulling, belt-beating, head-smacking love.

Thank you
for all the jokes you never told me
and for all the laughs we never had.

Thank you
for always ruining my day,
putting me in a bad mood
and then yelling at me for being this way.

Thank you
for making fun of me
and
breaking my unhealed heart again and again.

Thank you
for being the one to make me cry
instead a shoulder to cry on.

Thank you
for all the support you never showed me
and treating me like a child.

Thank you
for being the one I could never trust.

Thank you
for showing me that life is a darkness, full of pain and hidden from the sun.

Thank you
for proving me I am a waste of oxygen
and
a disgrace.

Thank you for proving
That I shouldn't have lived.

Love,
Your Favourite Daughter