To my relief, James Windibank had gone off on another trip unexpectedly, so I was not forced to endure another awkward meal with him. Still, I could hardly sleep that night. My mind raced with anxious thoughts and questions raised by Hosmer Angel's letter.
"What are your plans for today, my dear?" Mother asked at breakfast.
"Oh, Miss Carter asked me to shop for hats with her," I said. It was the story Evangeline and I had settled on to explain my absence from home.
"Hats?" Mother repeated sounding surprised. "My dear, is the extravagance really necessary?"
"I didn't say I was going to buy any," I said, struggling to keep my stone reasonable. Why was my every purchase questioned as of late? It was my money to do with as I pleased. "Miss Carter would like my advice on some of the new styles."
"And that is all you are going to do? Shall I expect you back for luncheon?"
I really shouldn't have been surprised that she would be so interested in my plans. It had been thus for the past year, which made the shadow that occasionally turned up simply ridiculous. Still, I didn't want to admit I was going to St. Saviour's, not when my mother had said Hosmer Angel was not real.
What would she say if she knew I was meeting the man where he had abandoned me?
"No, I think Miss Carter and I are making a day of it," I said, spreading jam on my toast. "She said something about introducing me to Mr. Weare's cousin, which I am looking forward to."
Mother pursed her lips. "Your father will not like that."
"I disagree." I didn't go further and reference my real father since I knew it would not go well. "And what are your plans for the day, Mother?"
She shook her head. "Why are you so eager to leave, Mary?" she asked, her tone becoming plaintive. "Have I not always sheltered you? Protected you? Why would you want to leave?"
"As I told James last night, every girl hopes to marry when she grows up." I paused, thinking of some of Evangeline's suffrage friends. "Well, some girls wish to marry. Others wish to be independent. I suppose I'm a bit of both."
"But we have been happy!"
"Mother. You may have been happy, but I can honestly say I have not been." It was true. Even before I had met Hosmer I had been...content with life but not exactly happy. I hadn't been truly happy since my father passed away. "I miss Father."
"You are young. You don't know what you're talking about." Mother pushed away from the table. "After all James has done for us, you dismiss him without a thought? Without any consideration?"
"And what has James done for us, Mother?" I asked sharply. "He sold Father's business for half what it was worth. He has tried to run my life as though I hadn't a thought in my own head. He has tried to keep me from having friends, except when it suits his purposes."
"He knows what is best for you, my dear." Mother came around the table and put her hand on my arm. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"Getting hurt is a part of growing as an individual, Mother," I said evenly. "Getting hurt cannot be avoided. Some of the people closest to us can hurt us the most, sometimes with the best of intentions."
Mother's hand dropped and her expression hardened. "You really are an impossible girl."
"I'm sorry to have been such a trail to you. In fact, I'm surprised you are not more willing for me to marry and then I would not be tiresome for you anymore."
With a sniff, Mother turned away. "Do as you please. Nothing I say matters to you."
I was tired of her attempts to make me feel guilty. "Well, it is clear we are never going to agree, so we should put this subject aside." I picked up my teacup and drained the last of my tea. As I set it back down, I rose from my chair. "I hope you enjoy your day, Mother. I must be off."
She spun around, shock on her face. "And just like that? You're going shopping?"
"Yes, Mother." I wanted to step over to kiss her cheek, but I felt it wouldn't be appreciated. "I'll be home for by four o'clock."
I had hours to spare before I would meet Evangeline at St. Saviour's, but I had to get out of that house.
****
By the time it was half past eleven, I had been walking for some time. I was more than ready to sit down for a time. Evangeline and Mr. Weare were waiting on the pavement in front of the church when I approached.
"There you are," Evangeline said, hurrying to take my arm. "How are you feeling?"
"Nervous," I admitted. I forced a smile as I looked at Mr. Weare. "Thank you for assisting us, Mr. Weare. It is good of you to take time out of your schedule for me."
"I am happy to do it," he said immediately. "And you must call me Alfred. We are all friends, are we not?"
His cheerful, earnest expression touched me. "Indeed we are, Alfred," I said, extending my free hand. "And you must call me Mary."
He clasped my hand in his, and for a moment I thought he would bow over my hand. "Yes, yes," Evangeline said impatiently. "We are all friends and we shall stand by each other. Now, Mary, you must describe Mr. Hosmer Angel for Alfred.
Of course. Neither of them had ever met Hosmer. As I opened my mouth to answer, I had to pause. I should know what Hosmer looked like, but I was struggling to remember anything particularly defining about him.
Breathing out, I tried to explain what I could remember. "Whenever I would meet him, it was always in the evening so I never had a clear look. He was retiring and gentlemanly. He has a weak throat, and a hesitating, whispering fashion of speech. He was always well dressed, very neat and plain, but his eyes were weak, just as mine are, and he wore tinted glasses against the glare."
"Hardly a definitive description," Evangeline said with a frown. "It could describe anyone at all!"
"But not that many gentlemen would be wearing tinted glasses on a grey day like today," Alfred said quickly. His blue eyes had become serious. "A shy gentleman will not walk with confidence. I think I will know who to watch for."
"Now let us go inside," Evangeline said, turning me towards the front of the church.
It was the first time I had returned to the church since the day I was to have been married. The stone structure looked much the same. As we approached the front door, I asked, "What did you tell Alfred? I mean, how much did you—"
"Never fear, Mary," Evangeline said, her tone reassuring. "I merely told him that an old suitor of yours had asked to meet you, but you were uncertain of his intentions. It was not up to me to divulge your life story."
"Thank you." Perhaps, one day, I would explain the entirety of the situation to Alfred Weare. If he were to marry Evangeline—which seemed likely, given how fond they were of each other—, I would not want them to have any secrets from one another.
Once inside, the dim lighting and the somber atmosphere discouraged speaking. Evangeline ushered me to one of the empty pews, about halfway down the aisle. And there we sat. Though my feet appreciated the rest, it only took a matter of minutes before I became restless.
"What if he has changed his mind?" I asked in a whisper.
"Then, you will know he does not have any real affection for you," Evangeline whispered back. "And, of course, that would be painful, but wouldn't you rather know now? Before any more time has passed?"
Reluctantly, I nodded. I had already waited a year for Hosmer to return. I'd once been willing to wait years, but I knew I no longer was the same woman who had made the promise to do so. Would Hosmer find me much changed? Would he appreciate the differences in me?
The minutes seemed to pass slowly. I regretted not pinning on my watch, and Evangeline was not wearing one either. The church bells finally rang out twelve, and I twisted around in the pew.
No one was at the back of the church. No one was hurrying in through the door. Was he late?
"Mary, don't look so eager," Evangeline advised. "After all, you are not the one who needs to give an explanation. He left, without a word. You are doing him the favor in being here at all."
Sighing, I sat back in the pew. But when the front door creaked as it opened, I couldn't resist looking back again. It was a woman, bowed over with worry. Disappointed, I shook my head.
Again, time stretched on. My right foot tapped on the stone floor beneath me. "Maybe I should move away," Evangeline suggested in a low voice. "He may expect you to be alone. I will move to the side, but never fear! As soon as you approach, I will be right by your side."
Reluctantly, I gave a nod, understanding her point. Hosmer may think I had not come if he saw two women together. Although he hadn't specified I needed to come alone. Perhaps he thought I still had no friends?
A few minutes passed, and I couldn't continue sitting. I rose and left the pew. It was while I was walking to examine one of the exquisite stained glass windows that I heard a sound behind me. Spinning around, I caught sight of a figure in the doorway. The silhouette was of a man, clad in a suit.
"Hosmer?" I exclaimed, uncertain if it was truly him.
To my right, Evangeline stood up and twisted around. A moment later, the figure fled back the way he had come. Without a second to think, I rushed after him. My rational mind told me I couldn't know it was Hosmer, but I had to see for certain.
When I burst through the door, I saw no sign of the figure nor any sign of Alfred. Evangeline ran up to me. "Did you see him? Where is Alfred?" she asked.
"I don't know," I said, looking up and down the road. There were people walking on the pavement. "What a silly thing I did. I ought to have waited! Did I scare him off, do you think?"
"Why should he have run off when you merely called his name?" Evangeline answered, frowning as she too searched the street. "If it were not he, he would have denied it. Instead, he ran off. Perhaps he saw me react and guessed I was there to support you?"
We remained on the pavement for some time when we spotted Alfred returning. "I'm sorry, Mary," he said immediately. "I wasn't able to catch up to him."
"You believe it was Hosmer Angel, then?" I asked apprehensively.
"He had tinted glasses. He had the collar of his coat turned up and a scarf around his neck. He kept his head down as though he didn't want to be seen," Alfred said with a nod. "I wasn't sure at first, but when he came rushing out, I suspected it must be. He ran down the street to where a hansom cab waited for him."
So he had come, expecting to leave abruptly. Had he even intended to speak to me?
"Well, if he really intends to explain himself, he will do so soon enough," Evangeline said, scowling down the street as if Hosmer would be aware of her disapproval. "And no doubt, he will blame you for ruining a tender reunion."
Alfred looked at me anxiously. "Mary, I am sorry."
"It isn't your fault, Alfred," I said, wanting to reassure him. "If Hosmer really intended to speak to me, I doubt anything would have kept him away. Can we go somewhere else? I told my mother I would be shopping all afternoon."
Evangeline brightened, although Alfred screwed up his face. "Evangeline, she said she forgives me," he said. "There's no need for you to punish me."
****
Evangeline's suspicion that I would receive another note, chastising me for not being alone, did not come about. An entire year passed. No other message came from Hosmer, and on the anniversary of his disappearance, I was rather ashamed to realize I didn't think of him until I was dressing for bed. My life had continued on without him, and I could hardly remember what he had looked like.
I was soon to be reminded in the worst possible way.