September 7
I was going to say that today was just like any other day, but I didn't even wake up at home, I woke up in a Vegas hotel suite with Simon. These past few days have been crazy as hell. I don't even know where to start.
Cynda overdosed tonight on heroin. She's OK, but she's in the hospital.
September 8
Once again, I feel like I'm just being swept away by this undertow and it's all I can do just to keep my head above water. Let's start with Cynda. She gets out of the hospital today. Am I just so self-involved that I can't see things for what they are? Even Q looked at me like I was stupid when I said I had no idea she was using.
I had a long conversation with Rick last night. While he readily admitted he wasn't a saint and had a drug problem, he also said that Cynda had a problem long before she met him. He said she was a functioning addict, but it just got out of hand Saturday night. I'm so mad at her right now, I don't think I want to see her when she comes home this afternoon. How could she do this to herself? To her friends? I came home and saw the paramedics carrying her out on a stretcher. She had an oxygen mask to her face and I was like, "What the hell is going on?"
Too tired to write any more. Need sleep.
September 9
Our run of the play has been sold out almost every night. That's definitely a boost to my ego...
Simon called me. He seemed to be OK with the fact that nothing happened when I spent the night over there on Monday. I just wasn't ready. We had a wonderful day though. He has his pilot's license and owns a plane. It's a Piper something or other. We flew into Vegas Monday afternoon and had the best time. We checked into the MGM Grand and then hit the streets. We went to all of the casinos, gambled, caught the Cirque du Soleil show and went out to eat.
It was truly one of those spontaneous things and I'm so glad we did it. He asked me if I wanted to take a flight with him and I said, "Sure, why not?" I've never been up in a small plane; I've done the commuter thing, but nothing like his plane, which seats four. So we get to Vegas and we're having such a great time, we decided to just stay the night. I bought some toiletries and a change of clothes. Thank goodness my Visa went through or else I would have been really embarrassed. He offered to pay for it, but I didn't want him to think I couldn't do it myself. I have too much damn pride to be so damn broke.
Vegas is an insomniac's dream. We didn't crawl into the hotel until almost 4 in the morning. I was so beat that I went directly to my suite...we had adjoining rooms...and went to bed. If he had anything else in mind, he didn't act like it the next morning.
September 13
I don't know why I've been so bad about writing. Just distracted by life, I guess. Last night the play closed. I feel like my life is going to be somewhat empty without having to perform four nights and two matinees a week. We had a really mellow cast party at the director's house. He has a place in Manhattan Beach. Well, I should say they, he and his girlfriend. She's an investment banker, so technically, it's her house ('cause I don't know how much money he's making off these plays).
I've successfully avoided Cynda for the past few days. She's called a few times but I just can't seem to call her back. Not sure what to say...it's stupid, I know, but I feel betrayed...angry...scared. We're supposed to be good friends and she couldn't share this with me. It's almost like I never really knew her at all. Q thinks I'm being selfish (yes, he actually said that) and I should talk to her. He brought up the very good point that she probably needs a few friends right now. I don't know if this whole episode will affect her record deal. I want to fix her and I know I can't. Where does that leave us?
I've been giving myself pep talks all day, but I've just decided at this very moment that I'm going to indulge myself and go ahead and have a pity party. I can't believe I haven't received one callback from any of the auditions I've been going out on!
Sometimes I just want to say, "Tell me what you want. I can be that person." It's just so hard not to take it personally. At the end of the day, I just wonder if I'm not good enough. It sounds stupid seeing as how I just finished the play...but now the play is old news and all I have lined up is Collin's film, which was pushed back to next week for some reason. It's not like I'm getting paid though...
Simon's friend finally got back to me about Tyler's contracts. He made a few minor amendments. I'm going to sign and send them back. Hopefully Tyler will be able to stir things up for me.
September 14
As if my life couldn't get any worse any faster. I got a wedding invitation in the mail from one of my "friends" from high school. We're pseudo friends. We're kissy-kissy in public, yet subtly we always try to one-up one another. The only reason why our friendship has lasted this long is that we take explicit pleasure in hearing about the other's pitfalls. Unfortunately, Cass has been getting a lot more enjoyment since my life is running like a home video right about now. Cheap, badly scripted and BORING! Anyway, we made this bet to see who would be married first by the time we turned 30. We share the same birthday - so much for astrology - she's a bitch.
We made this stupid bet when we were sophomores in high school. I still have a chance if I can find a guy and do a quickie wedding in Vegas. Hahaha. It's not that I want to get married right now, I just want to win. Or better yet, I just want Cass to lose. Her wedding is going to be in December back in Jersey. If I go to her wedding, then I can't go to the high school reunion in November. Won't worry about it right now.
September 15
Saw Cynda today. She was sitting in my doorway when I came back from the grocery store. It was kind of weird...I wasn't sure what to say to her at first. As we talked, I just felt myself getting angry over how phony we were acting. She almost died the other day. Finally I just told her what was going on in my head. This whole week, I've been feeling really messed up because I didn't know she was on drugs. We're supposed to be friends, I'm always spilling my guts to her about my stupid men problems and she couldn't even confide in me about something so major in her life. So it's like our friendship was this sham. It didn't exist the way I thought it existed. It was all in my head.
She looked at me and she just laughed...no, it was more like a chuckle. Then she asked, "Why does everything have to be about you?" And she just walked out. Now I feel even more messed up and I don't have anyone to talk to. Q's not around; he's visiting his family back in Detroit.
I don't know what to think anymore. Things aren't happening as quickly as I want them to career-wise, so it's hard not to focus in on things as though the earth revolves around me. My life isn't going the way I planned...aren't I allowed to be self-involved?
September 16
I had lunch with Tyler at the Ivy, an old school hang out for the moneyed denizens of Hollywood. It was cool. Tyler knows just about everyone. Our table was like a revolving door, every five minutes or so someone would come up to Tyler and chat with him. Everything's a go. I officially have a manager now.
Anita got a job offer (finally). She's going to work for Johnson & Johnson in their finance department. I don't know what the hell she does, I just know that Mommy said she's going to be making close to six figures. Speaking of overweight people, I have finally lost my full 5 lbs.
I've been trying to work out like crazy. Kandi's still not a 100%, so she hasn't been to the gym lately. She seems happy with her two new friends. She said she had a callback for the soap. The role is for a character that's only in town for a few weeks, just enough time to wreck a few lives. I used to have a dream of being on either One Life to Live or All My Children and then the unthinkable happened...they were pulled from the network. Was nothing sacred?
I've decided to get out of my head and volunteer at a group home for troubled teens. My orientation is in two weeks. Once completed, I get to teach an acting workshop for six weeks. I definitely want to give back to the community and to make a difference in someone's life.
I'm going to apologize to Cynda. I've been thinking about what she said and she's right. She already has enough problems without me feeling as though I were left out of some big secret, even though I was...just saying. Her reasons for not telling don't really matter at this point. She needs to concentrate on getting better. Now that the blinders are off, I noticed just how thin she had become. That heroin chic thin.
Most of us have dabbled in that experimentation stage, but we move on. I don't know why she got stuck. I'm not sure what to say. I want to be helpful, but I just don't want to say the wrong thing. I just want to be a good friend.
Simon and I are going out to dinner this evening. He's picking me up in an hour. I'm glad. Gives me less time to get stuck in my head. I'm going to say a prayer for Cynda and hopefully things will work out.