"Whatever it is I promise it won't matter next week," I hear next to me as I sit in an almost empty bar mourning in a cup of gin.
Turning I look at the man talking not expecting him to look as good as he does, a smile so comforting even at my lowest low just his smile was enough for a small relief. "What?" I ask finally able to stop staring
"I just mean if you're gonna sit in a cop bar and sulk about whatever's got you looking like that, someone should remind you that it's probably not worth it."
"This isn't a—" I look around and wow every person in here including him looks exactly like a cop, "this is a cop bar" I snort. "I've honestly never noticed"
"That's actually a good thing" he pulls out the stool next to me sitting down, "so what is bothering you?"
Smiling and trying to be as nice as possible I reply, "um thanks for the advice officer..." I wait for him to say his name
"Detective Joshua Barry," he introduces himself
"It's really nice to meet you, detective, but I'd really like to be left alone."
"Fair enough" he stands, before he walks away he slides his card on the bar top towards me and says, "just in case you ever need a cop."
I wish I could say I wasted more tears on Trevor but the drive home was so clear, why was that so easy? Trevor just ruined us, I should be infuriated but I'm not.
Getting home I park next to Josh's car walking into our house, dropping my keys next to his I take my shoes and jacket off. It's all a mess because of the wedding planning but we're choosing to ignore it. Walking into our room I see his badge on his nightstand, and the shower's going off. Taking my clothes off I walk to the bathroom and pull the curtain
When he sees me he smiles, "hey you"
"Hi" I reply and he takes my hand pulling me in the tub to join him. We stand in front of each other and he brings his wet body closer until our lips touch. He always says the best part of his day is coming home to kiss me, after a stressful day, after kissing he moves me under the water. "How was your day?" I ask as Joshua washes my hair for me
"Not bad I got to interview a prostitute for one of my cases, and she said I'd make a great pimp."
"It's not a lie" I reply smiling, "you have a great pimping face" I say making him laugh
"You think so?" I nod "wow am I in the wrong profession? Should I just quit my day job?"
"Yes but keep the handcuffs," Joshua laughs again.
Looking over at the clock on my nightstand I read the time, it's 3 AM and Joshua is completely passed out. Yet here I am wide awake realizing my mistake, was I too hard on Trevor? Maybe I could've tried to understand where he was coming from
I don't blame him for thinking I'd leave him pretty much everyone has. Because he dropped out of college his family never forgave him, and it took a lot for him to be ok again after that. The only person who still talks to him is his sister Abby. When we were kids he never left me after my dad did. I tried to do the same for him but last night went too far, I'll never be happy if he's not happy for me, it sucks but it's true.
Next morning I sit in bed tired as hell watching Josh get ready for work, "Sy?" He calls loudly walking to me
"Hm?" I snap out of it
"What's going on with you? I said your name three times" Joshua sits down next to me in bed, "are you ok?" If I say yes I'll be lying and I don't want to lie, not to him at least
"Do you think it'd be ok if I gave Shannon the day off? I know that it's last minute and she'll flip, but I need a breather this is all becoming a little too much," I find myself breathing harder than normal.
"Silas, you're not getting cold feet, are you?" He asks with a worried look
"What?" I scoff, "absolutely not!" I shake my head sitting up to lean closer to him, "you can't get rid of me that easily, Barry."
We kiss each other and he smiles as he pulls away "That's detective Barry to you," he stands fixing his tie
"Are you sure it's not daddy Barry?" I ask finally getting out of bed
He turns back with his jaw dropped "wait are we bringing that back?" I grin nodding as I walk close reaching for his tie, "because I need time to prepare, you know? Do my stretches and—"
Laughing at the top of my lungs I reply, "please go to work"
Leaning closer Joshua says, "if you need time babe then take as much as you need, there's no rush."
"You know how much I love you right?" He nods and I caress his face, "good and I hope that you know nothing could ever change my mind about marrying you, you're who I want Joshua Barry." Pulling his head to mine we kiss, "now go to work," with a smile he walks away.
I want to tell him about last night, but then I'd also have to tell him the hell I've put myself through for Trevor, just so he could do this to me. Or maybe I just don't want Joshua to hate him even though I do right now.
When I'm finally alone I get out of bed and shower, before I can finally get Trevor out of my life there's one last thing I have to do.
"Good morning, how can I help you?" I'm greeted when I step off the elevator
"Hi is she in?" I point to the office
"Yes, do you have an appointment?"
"No, but could you tell her Silas needs to talk to her? She'll want to see me"
"Um ok give me one second," the receptionist stands up walking to the office knocking before opening the door. I'm nervous, why am I nervous? "She'll see you," the woman walks back out holding the door open for me.
"Hi Silas," Paris greets me standing up from her desk.
"Hi" I reply. We both sit down and she shuts the book in front of her. No one says anything yet, instead Paris and I take each other in. Things aren't like they used to be and the tension proves that.
"How long has it—"
"I know why you're here," she says at the same time as I'm speaking cutting me off. "Years, four to be exact" Paris answers my question.
Four years since we've had anything nice to say to each other, we haven't seen each other for two out of those four years and even though he begged for her, Trevor couldn't get me to invite her to my wedding. "Trevor sent you, right?"
Shaking my head, "he doesn't even know I'm here"
"Then what are you doing here?"
"I need to talk to you about something that happened," I avoid eye contact because although Paris and I were once friends I know she doesn't want me here, and probably doesn't want to hear a thing I have to say.
"You slept with him already huh?" She smiles "aren't you like engaged?"
"What? no, I didn't" I quickly deny "I did not sleep with Trevor."
"If you say so..." the comment causes more awkward silence and I guess I deserved it. "Look Silas I actually don't care if you slept with Trevor or not because I meant it when I told him I was done—"
"Trevor asked me to leave my fiancé for him last night," I say cutting Paris off. "We spent weeks not talking and the first chance I get to see him after you guys broke up, he said that I'm making a mistake."
"Did Trevor tell you why we broke up?" I shake my head "he lost his job and I wasn't enough anymore, everything became about you. Trevor is hung up on you Silas, and that didn't become a problem until after you got engaged, you couldn't give him what he wanted anymore." Unable to come up with a reaction or a response I stay quiet, "I spent four years of my life hating you because I honestly believed even though he'd run to you and you guys would..." she avoids saying have sex. "He's always come back regretting it and wishing he never did and I believed it" she chuckles, "I was such a dumbass."
"He used to tell me that being with me when you guys weren't together is the only thing keeping him whole."
"Why did we let him mess with us for so long? I knew how you felt about Trevor since high school I should've just stayed away."
"You've been an important part between Trevor and me, Paris"
Scoffing, "yeah ok"
"Seriously, I used to always think maybe I had everything he wanted, but you're everything he needed. I mean think about it Paris, we convinced ourselves— or he convinced us that we were everything to him, that his life wouldn't be complete without us... without you."
Paris stares at me like I have two heads, "you sound crazy, Silas"
"Yeah I know" we both sit back and I look down at my hand sitting on the armchair, and the silver band on my finger. "You've never met Joshua" Paris shakes her head, "he is an amazing guy and I know I don't deserve him. But he doesn't know any of this and it's been eating me up inside"
Paris sits up gasping, "he doesn't know?"
I fucked up, it's that simple... I fucked up. I've had so many chances to tell the man I love that the guy he thinks is just my best friend, is actually the guy I spent years of my life pining after. It would've been easy to tell Joshua the moment he and Trevor met, but I got scared. So like a coward I lied, "my fiancé's a really good man but he's not very easy to talk to, everything I say he either agrees or quickly understands and I can't tell what's real. Does he actually agree with me or does he have to because we're together?"
"If he says he's ok with you loving Trevor he won't mean it"
"I know that! But he'll act like he does." I love Joshua but it's true, sometimes I can't tell if he's being genuine. "I shouldn't be judging him like this"
"No," she chuckles, "not you of all people"
"Look I know I messed up all right? But it's too late, being honest with him would lead to nothing, so why bother?"
"Because Silas" She starts, "you can act naive but you know the moment you tell Joshua you'll actually have to mean it."
"Mean what?"
"That you're actually done with Trevor, telling your husband—"
"Fiancé" I correct
"Whatever! The moment you tell him, you'll finally have to choose, be done with Trevor for good and prove to your fiancé that he's the one you choose. Or tell him the truth and accept that it might hurt him and he might leave you."