My phone buzzed in my pocket. I fished it out and looked at the screen, wondering who it was. The word 'Dad' lit up the screen. I took a shaky breath and glanced at Sean, who was humming along to a song on the radio as he drove us...well somewhere. I didn't know where we were going for dinner. Sean refused to tell me.
"My dad is calling," I told Sean as I held the phone in my hands, wondering if I should answer it or not. I was filled with dread because I knew Sean's mom had sped off to have a chat with my mother over what she had said, how she had reacted to my 'coming out' so to speak. Reaching over and turning down the radio, Sean glanced at me briefly before returning his eyes to the road.
"You should answer it Jake," he said, his tone even and calm. I took his word for it and swiped across the screen, picking up the call. Holding the phone to my ear, I braced for what was going to come through from the other end.
"Dad," I answered. My voice sounded calm and relaxed but my hands were shaking in my lap and my foot was tapping in anticipation. Sean reached over and gave my hand a tight squeeze, letting me know he was there for me.
"Jake where are you?" He asked. He sounded exhausted, like he hadn't slept at all lately. He probably hasn't been sleeping, but I haven't been home much so I wouldn't know.
"I'm out with Sean why?" I asked, imagining him cringing at my words. I mean, my dad had seemed fairly okay with everything unlike my mom, but I doubted he was genuinely cool with all of this. I couldn't blame him though, everything had happened so quickly that even I hadn't had much time to process it. When I looked at Sean though, all my worries seemed to melt away and I felt as light as a feather. My parents however, needed to process things in a very different way. I hadn't given them any time to think about things, and considering they had just lost their oldest child, was I being selfish? Was I too harsh on them when I left after what mom had said? Maybe they just needed more time that's all. They would come around, I convinced myself.
"Jake are you there?" came dad's voice from the other end. I sighed. I had spaced out with all the thoughts swirling in my head.
"Yeah," I answered, not wanting to say more fearing my voice would waver. It's been so emotionally draining lately and I'm sick of it.
"Well could you come home please?" He asked slowly, his voice betraying the sadness and weariness he must be feeling. I looked over at Sean.
"I'll be home later," I replied. "Sean and I are just getting some dinner."
"Okay," he said flatly. I waited for him to say more but he didn't.
"Dad I'm-"
"Everything is fine Jake. I'll see you at home," he said cutting me off and ending the call. I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at the screen.
"What did he say?" Sean asked cautiously, his tone soft. I closed my eyes and sighed loudly. I've been doing a lot of sighing lately.
"He just wants me to come home later. I told him I would but..." I trailed off, turning to stare blankly out the window.
"You aren't planning on going back home," Sean finished for me. I shook my head slightly. "Jake...." He started to reason with me, but I stopped it.
"Let's just focus on us okay?" I asked quietly, more like requested. He nodded knowingly. "So are we almost there?" I asked in a lighter tone, trying to change to mood. We had been enjoying ourselves so much and I didn't want my dad's phone call to ruin the evening. Sean's smile returned to his face, and his eyes sparkled in amusement.
"Yeah we're almost there. You're so impatient Jake," He said teasingly. I shrugged.
"I guess I am," I replied. "I just like knowing where we are going."
"Olive Garden," He suddenly said so quickly I didn't quite catch it.
"What?"
"Olive Garden. That's where we are going." He said, a smirk on his face. I grinned in surprise.
"We're really going there? I didn't actually think you were going to tell me. Like with the go karts," I laughed a little. Sean just shrugged.
"I don't like when you get so antsy," He stated.
"Uh. Sorry.." I apologized. He shook his head playfully.
"Jake I'm not mad. I was just joking, although it's true," he replied. I smiled, feeling relief wash over me as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot. My stomach rumbled. Sean chuckled. "Looks like somebody is hungry. It's a good thing we're here." He unbuckled his seatbelt, moving to get out of the car. I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him. He turned back and looked at me quizzically. I kissed him lightly on the lips, making him gasp. I shrugged with a grin on my face after pulling away.
"Just because I can," I told him, getting out of the car myself. "You're mouth is hanging open you know," I observed, winking at him. He quickly hid it and hopped out, closing the door behind him and locking the car.
* * * *
"I'm soooo full," I complained, although I loved the feeling after how starving I had been earlier. Sean snorted.
"I'm glad, now I don't have to listen to your grumbling stomach." I poked him in the side as we walked up the driveway at his house. He stopped suddenly, turning to face me on the driveway. The sun was setting, casting beautiful oranges and reds all over the sky. It was an amazing sight. "It's so beautiful," Sean said, encircling his fingers with mine as he looked up towards the sky. I followed his gaze.
"Yeah it is," I replied. "I wonder if there are things like this in heaven." I mused, my voice catching a little. Sean brought his eyes back down to my face.
"From what I hear heaven is an amazing and beautiful place. I'm sure things like this are just a glimpse of how breathtaking heaven is." He answered confidently, his brown eyes completely shining in the dimming light. I smiled even as a tear slid down my cheek. He caught it and wiped it away gently, his hand stroking my face affectionately.
"Thanks for today. It meant a lot," I said, returning his gaze. He smiled softly, staring into my eyes with such intensity.
"I'm glad you had a good time. I loved seeing the smile on your face," he replied. I nodded.
"It felt good to smile again." He put his other hand on the side of my face and brought his lips to mine, kissing me softly. His lips were always like heaven everytime I felt them. This time though, I could feel the love and passion coming from him. It made me feel so lightweight. I could taste the mint in his mouth from the gum he had been chewing when we left the restaurant. It mixed with the taste of him and I loved every bit of it. We broke apart from the kiss and he hugged me tightly, resting his head on my shoulder. I buried my face against his neck by his ear. He smelled so good, his cologne mixing with the faint smell of his minty shower gel.
"Boys! We need to talk!" Kristen's voice sounded from the front door. We both looked up in that direction to see her standing in the doorway with a stern look on her face.
"Do I dare ask how it went?" Sean asked carefully. Kristen looked at me with a tired expression.
"Jake I think it would be best if you talked with your parents," she said, completely ignoring Sean's question. I groaned.
"I don't feel like talking to them right now. I don't need this drama." I crossed my arms, looking at her defiantly. Sean patted my back.
"She's right Jake. It's something you need to do," he said. I rolled my eyes in frustration.
"Why does this even matter? Why do I have to have 'a talk' with them about this? It shouldn't matter," I muttered the last part. Sean and I began shuffling towards the house, as his mom motioned for us to. Clearly she didn't want us having this conversation outside. At this point, I didn't give a rat's ass. "I'm so sick of all of this!" I exlaimed as Sean closed the door behind me. "What did she say?" Kristen looked around the room as if searching for a way to tell me. "Just tell me," I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
"Jake, she's just being stubborn." Kristen shook her head, hanging her shoulders dejectedly. She threw herself down on the couch, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes. She sighed, blinking up at me. I raised an eyebrow, waiting expectantly for more details. She rolled her eyes. "Okay so she isn't happy with me."
"I figured as much." I replied, crossing my arms and not moving from the spot. Sean stood next to me, looking like he didn't quite know whether he should sit or stand.
"Mom seriously drop the suspense." He demanded. She huffed at us and scratched the top of her head.
"She's just...I don't know she just doesn't think you're really gay Jake. She's in denial. She doesn't really blame Sean, she just thinks you're desperately trying to feel something after what happened to Collin and you're latching onto your best friend because he was there." She said quickly, shrugging her shoulders and sucking in a breath, anticipating my outburst.
"Say what now?" I asked incredulously. "That's what she thinks of me!?" I ran my hand roughly over my face.
"That's ridiculous." Sean stated, his face growing red with anger. I shook my head in disbelief.
"Wow," was all I could think to say. "How do I even respond to that?" I spat with disgust. Kristen looked at me apologetically.
"I'm sorry Jake. I thought if I talked to her she would be reasonable, but...she wasn't. That's why I think it would be best for you to explain things to her. Just the two of you." Kristen replied.
"But what if I don't want to talk to her?" I asked, dropping my head in sadness. Was this really what my mom thought of me now? Suddenly an idea came to me.
"Okay. I'll talk to her, but I need to see someone else first," I said. Sean looked at me with confusion, as did his mom.
"W-what? Who do you need to see?" He asked curiously. I looked over at him.
"I need to talk to Kim," I said flatly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Why?" Sean asked with an edge to his voice. He clearly didn't like Kim much after what she did at the funeral. I didn't blame him and I didn't necessarily want to talk to her, but I realized it was necessary.
"I think she's the only way to make my mom understand," I replied, looking over at Kristen. She raised her eyebrows.
"Well I only know what Sean has said about Kim. If you think she will somehow help, then by all means go for it," she stated. Sean grabbed my shoulders. I could feel the tension in his touch.
"Jake, I don't know if this is a good idea," he warned. I put my hand on top of his arm.
"It'll be fine Sean, besides Kim has been a friend for quite a while, and her parents are really close to mine," I replied.
"Yeah so? What if they treat you just like your mom has? What if Kim is rude to you about it like she was at your brothers funeral?" He exlaimed, his voice laced with anger. "I don't like it. I don't like it one bit."
"Sean it's fine. Maybe I'll be able to work things out with her as well," I said, pulling him closer to me. He relaxed a little as my arms wrapped around him in a slight hug. "I'll be back soon," I said to the side of his face.
"Here, take my car," he said, fishing his keys out of his pocket and tossing them to me. I took them gratefully.
"Thanks babe," I said, kissing his cheek. He blushed and gave me a small smile. "Love you."
"Love you too. Be careful," he said, following me to the door. I slipped out after putting my shoes on and he watched me until I was backing out of the driveway before closing the door. I was confident Kim could help, although I'd be lying if I said I was kind of dreading seeing her again. I was hoping I'd be able to just forget about the whole Kim thing, but now I didn't have a choice. My family was already broken enough without my mom freaking out and thinking I'm just some kind of attention whore.
I took deep breaths trying to calm myself as I turned onto her street. Kim didn't live that far from us, in fact, Kim, Sean and myself all lived within a couple blocks from each other. I summoned whatever courage I could and pulled into her driveway. The house looked dark and I couldn't tell if anyone was home or not. I briefly contemplated just starting the engine again and heading back to Sean's, but then I'd just be delaying an inevitable conversation with my mom one way or another. I gripped the steering wheel tightly, causing my knuckles to go white, before releasing and opening the door.
I made sure the car was locked and the keys were safely in my pocket before heading up the driveway and towards the front door. I took several steadying breaths and rang the doorbell. The porch light immediately flicked on and I heard the door unlocking.
"Jake? What brings you here at this hour?" Said Kim's dad, Tom. He was standing there in his nightclothes, obviously ready for bed even though it was only almost 9 o'clock.
"Hey sorry to bother you Mr. Jackson. I was just wondering if Kim was home? I need to talk to her." I explained calmly. He regarded me curiously for a while. It felt like his eyes were burning holes in me and he appeared deeply suspicious.
"Yeah she's here. She's up in her room," he finally said, causing me to let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. He motioned for me to come inside. He closed the door behind me. "I haven't seen you for a while Jake, how's everything going?" He asked gently.
"Things have been better," I said, not even trying to hide it. He gave a small nod in understanding.
"Go ahead and go on up, just knock," He told me. I thanked him and made my way over to the stairs, which were located right next to the front door. Their house wasn't small but regular sized. I climbed the stairs and made my way down the hall on the right to Kim's room. I knew which door was hers as I had been here a couple times before. I knocked lightly.
"Come in," came her voice, slightly muffled through the wooden door. I pushed it open and she gaped in surprise. She was laying on her bed with her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail, her T.V. playing in the background. "Jake?" She asked as if it wasn't me standing here.
"Hi Kim," I greeted. She looked at me curiously, as if she almost didn't know who I was. "I need to talk to you."
She got up from the bed and sat on the edge. For a long time she didn't say anything, nor did I. We just stared at each other in complete silence.
"Okay," she finally said very slowly, "What about?" I half expected her to apologize for the way she was at my brother's funeral. I just felt like she needed to, in spite of everything that was going on at the time. She didn't though, instead keeping her eyes fixed on me, narrowing them slightly as if I was the one at fault here.
"Look Kim," I said, taking a deep breath, "I know a lot has happened lately, but I was wondering if you could do something for me," I said hesitantly. She cocked her head to the side slightly, knitting her eybrows together in confusion.
"Wait, you need my help?" She confirmed. I nodded my head. "So let me guess. You're gay now?" She said, her voice had a slightly angry edge to it that I didn't like.
"Yes I am. Only I always have been," I said firmly. She arched an eyebrow at me.
"No you haven't," she said flatly, as if I didn't know myself as good as she did. I rolled my eyes impatiently.
"You know what it doesn't matter. What matters is I want you to tell my mom," I said, looking directly at her. She scowled.
"Tell your mom that you're gay now? Why would I do that?" She asked, saying the word 'now' for a second time simply to try to piss me off. It was working.
"No I don't need you to tell her I'm gay, I've done that, but she doesn't believe me." I explained. She shook her head.
"I don't believe you either. I just don't get it, one minute you have a crush on me and the next you're hooking up with your best friend!" She raised her voice, waving her hands around expressively.
"First of all, Sean and I haven't hooked up! And what do you want me to say Kim? Are you just bitter because I don't like you like that? Is that it? We were never together it's not like I cheated on you or something for god's sake!" I snapped back. She put a hand over her mouth. I suddenly didn't know what I was doing here. What did I think she could do? Tell my mom I was gay? Come with me and say that I don't like her? What? "You know what? This was a mistake. I stupidly thought you were still my friend despite what happened but I guess not," I said, turning on my heel and shuffling towards the door. She didn't say anything as I trudged back down the stairs and saw myself out. I definitely didn't want to see either of her parents now. I opened the front door and walked back to the car.
Backing out of the driveway, I was so pissed off that I pushed the gas pedal hard to the floor, realizing for the first time that I was actually driving again since Collin's car accident. I sped down the road even faster, pushing down on the pedal. I flew down the streets and took corners dangerously fast. I swerved into my driveway and slammed on the breaks, bringing the car to a stop. I was so mad and upset that I wasn't thinking straight. Throwing open the door I got out, slammed it shut, and walked towards the front door. I slid the key into the look and opened it. The house was dark inside, save for a light coming from the kitchen. It practically hurt to be here, the painful memories coming back in full force. My brother teasing me in the kitchen, the accident, my mothers voice in denial and blaming Sean for changing me, all of it. I stumbled down the hallway towards the kitchen.
"Jake is that you?" Dad's voice sounded from around the corner. I stepped into the light, shooting daggers at him with my eyes. He shrunk back slightly from me. "Hey."
"Where's mom?" I asked, my voice rigid. Dad sensed my anger and stepped towards me tentatively. "Jake she just wants to talk." Suddenly mom burst into the room.
"Honey did you get the- ....Jake," She said hesitating. I shot her a look, and she frowned.
"I'm done," I whispered, barely even saying the words out loud.
"What?" She asked, her eye twitching a little.
"I'm done!" I said louder this time, my voice deadly calm. Her eyes flicked over to my dad, he looked back at her briefly before regarding me again.
"Jake you've been through so much. I know. Just, don't you think this is a bit much? You're upset, I get it, but I just don't see how you could be normal and then after what happened start thinking you're in love with Sean. I know honey, traumatic experiences make people change, they do things they wouldn't normally do," Mom was rambling. I was in too much shock to stop her. I held my hand up in a fury.
"Stop! Stop it. Shut up!" I roared, as she kept talking over me at first. Dad looked at me helplessly. "I'm still me! I'm still normal! It's not Collin's death that turned me gay mom! I always have been! Collin knew before I was willing to admit it to myself. I told you that! You can't just put this off as me wanting attention. My hell is that what you think of me!?" I screamed, my face flushed with anger.
"Jake calm down," Dad tried to say, but I cut him off. I wasn't having any of it.
"Don't!" I demanded. "You're unbelievable and I can't even believe you're my parents." Mom coughed awkwardly, clearly taking offense to what I just said. "I thought you would stand up for me more dad," I exclaimed, shaking my head. "I guess I'm just disappointed in both of you. After everything that's happened, you can't accept me being happy. I'm so tired and done with the drama. I just want it all to end. I'm tired of crying and worrying and shaking and I just want it all to stop." Dad made a move to come around the counter from where he was standing. I shook my head. "I'll be at Sean's. I'm getting some of my things." I didn't think to ask Sean before I left if I could stay with him at his house, but then I basically have for the past couple of days already, so hopefully him and his mom wouldn't mind. I just couldn't be here at home right now.
"Jake you're not thinking clearly. We all just need to calm down and talk about this." Dad reasoned, his eyes looked at me pleadingly.
"Look at her dad! She won't even say anything." I gestured towards my mother, standing there completely stone-faced.
"Jake don't do this,' he pleaded.
"You know where to find me," I replied, turning on my heel and hurrying up the stairs to my room to pack a bag with some clothes. Neither one of my parents came up to say anything further. I slipped out of the house and hurried back to Sean's. I felt my eyes grow watery, but no tears fell. Perhaps I had used up all the tears and didn't have any left.