It has been seven months since everything happened. It has been... hard to cope with everything, but everyone was barely managing. Things haven't been the same since the funeral. The person who took it the most surprisingly wasn't me, but Ian. He's visited the bar at least once a day ever since we returned; he wouldn't come home for a couple of nights and when he would, he would go straight to his room. He's been trying his hardest to stop drinking his depressions away, but it's hard.
His blue eyes stared at me through the computer screen and we sat in silence. He sighed and tapped his pen. I looked up at him and tried to give him a reassuring smile, but I knew it didn't reach my eyes. Vincent had prominent bags under his eyes and took a sip of his coffee.
"Azura." muttered Vincent, "I'm here if you need me."
"You've told me that well over a hundred times." I responded, "I know you are... But only time can heal wounds."
Vincent frowned and shook his head. This is how our conversations been since Spring Break, dull, boring... Saddening. I felt myself instantly get stressed since I knew where this conversation was going.
"Azura, d-"
"Yes Vincent." I replied in annoyance, "I love you."
He bit his bottom lip and looked down at his tie. The time was 11:09 PM and I have two essays to hand in by tomorrow at 5. They each have to be at least twelve pages. Right now, I'm not in the mood for Vincent's 'plea for love'. He undid his tie and put it down next to him. Unbuttoning the first two buttons, he shook his collar a little and stared into space.
"I miss the old Azura..." he muttered.
I felt a pang in my heart and my eyes grow cold.
"She died with her mother."
Vincent took a sharp inhale of breath and slowly nodded. His eyes looked at everywhere but me and I decided to continue writing my essay.
"You know, Azura. For the past seven- almost eight- months, I've been trying really hard to help you. Yes, Anne truly was a nice person and it's sad that she passed on, but you need to put that behind you. She wouldn't want to see you like this."
I paused as my eyes slowly met Vincent and I felt rage well inside of me. How dare he even say that?! How could I just suck it up and put the demise of my mother behind me?!
"You really think it's that easy?!" I snarled.
"No, it's n-"
"Then why would you say that?! Why would you even go there?! I can't just put this behind me! Ian is messed up, I'm on the brink of insanity and you're just... You're just judging me from Lakewood! How could you even?!" I sobbed, "I can't... I can't exactly put this... b-behind me..."
"Azura, please don't cry." he muttered.
I wiped my tears and angrily began to continue my essay. I don't want to hear any of this, I'm getting so sick and tired of Vincent right now!
"Azura, you misinterpreted what I said."
"I didn't misinterpret shit! You want me to forget my mom!"
"No, I want you to put her dea-"
"Same thing!"
He took a deep breath and exhaled.
"Azura. Stop over analyzing things."
"Really?" I said sarcastically, "Then how would you feel if I told you to forget about Miss Lou? Huh? How long did it take you to stop mourning?! Huh?! You barely even knew her..."
Vincent opened his mouth in disbelief and I sarcastically laughed.
"You mu-"
"You have some fucking nerve." whispered Vincent, "You.. No... I cannot believe you- I cannot believe you would even go there!"
"A-"
"You! You trifling bitch! You fucking bitch, you know what?! I'm done, I am so done with you." he yelled.
"I'm done with you as well, Vincent!" I yelled, "Because you always think things can be solved by smiles and flowers. Guess what? They can't!"
"You know what, Azura?!"
"What, Vincent?! What?!"
We both stared at each other and he bit his bottom lip. I narrowed my eyes and he took a deep breath.
"I guess we should take some time away from each other..."
That instantly got my attention. My face softened and my mouth slowly opened. He wants to take time away from each other? Does he want to see more people? Does this mean... Does this mean we're over? Vincent's angry blue eyes intensely stared at me and my hand began to tremble. What just came out of my mouth? Oh God no...
"Matter of fact, I think we should just break up. I'm done with dealing with your bullshit. I tried to help you, but all you're doing is pushing me away."
"I-I..."
"You're just another Kate."
"Vincent, w-"
Before I could finish my sentence, he ended the call. I stared at his Skype icon, his smiling face and me sticking my tongue out. With a huff, I dropped my pen and quietly began to sob.
He broke up with me. Things can't get any worse... He just broke up with me. I can't do this anymore. No, Mom really wouldn't like this at all. I tried to call back Vincent, but as soon as I did, it was declined. Less than ten seconds later, he went offline.
Later on that night, Ian came home. As if a ritual, I rushed downstairs to see if he was okay. He staggered and held on to the staircase rail. The putrid stench of liquor attacked my nostrils and I coughed. Ian lost his balance and fell on the staircase. I grabbed his arm and tried to help him up, but he was too heavy.
"I'm tired... I-I..."
"Ian, you can't keep on doing this! You're hurting yourself!"
"Az...ura..."
"Ian, y-you shouldn't be doing this to yourself...!"
Touching the railing, he slowly got up and leaned on the wall. He almost lost his balance again and I helped him.
"I'm tired of a-all of... this..." he slurred, "I wa..nt to be... with A-Anne..."
"Ian, please." I pleaded, "Stop talking like that..."
"We'd be better o-off..." he muttered as he slowly walked up the stairs, following the sound of his door lightly closing.
I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. I lost Mom, I can't lose Ian-my father- as well. We both feel the same about this situation. Would the world be better off? It's not like we really have anything anymore. Friends; distant family whom I've never seen in years. Would they remember me? Do they even know I exist anymore? Everything is so frustrating. I can't concentrate, I can't eat, I can't sleep... Nothing. I took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling fan.
I'm so sorry, Vincent. I didn't mean to lash out on you, I hope you can understand when I'm ready to apologize. We can't break up, we can't. I love you too much...
Slowly, the night turned into the early day and the sun peeked through the curtains. My stomach was screaming but I could only stare at the ceiling fan. Looking over at the clock on the wall, I sighed and headed upstairs, finishing the remaining essay. Taking my phone out, I eyed Vincent's contact.
Hey... I'm really so|
Sighing, I deleted everything.
Vincent, I didn't mean what I said last night. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't mean to bring up Miss Lou. Can we try this again? I l|
With a nod, I continued.
I love you, and I hope you can forgive me.
During class, I could barely keep up. Everything the professor said sounded distant, sometimes I wondered if he was speaking a different language. Todd kept on poking me to wake up and I felt extremely exhausted. For some reason, my muscles felt extremely sore, yet I couldn't find the reason why. My notes looked like a two year old scribbled stuff on it and I couldn't even read it. "I'm tired of a-all of... this..." he slurred, "I wa..nt to be... with A-Anne..." Ian's words echoed through my head and I bit my bottom lip. I felt something slide down my cheek and tried to hold it longer but couldn't. The frustration had me break down on Todd's arm in the middle of the class, making us go outside for fresh air.
We walked down the halls in silence. One tear would drop, then another, then another... Although my face was masked with neutrality, my emotions would betray it. With a sigh, I decided to start conversation. Todd held the door for me as I took in a giant gulp of fresh air.
"Is everything alright with you and Yvette?" I sniffed.
He looked over at me and frowned. I tried to give him a small smile, but I couldn't even smile without feeling tired and sore.
"We're fine, don't worry about us, you should be worrying about yourself."
"Myself." I sarcastically laughed and wiped a tear, "Honestly, Todd... h-honestly... I don't feel like I belong here anymore."
"Don't you start talking like that." whispered Todd as he grabbed my hands, "You belong here. Life wouldn't be what it is without hardships. You of all people should know that."
"Todd... My mom died of breast cancer, my father is drowning himself in liquor and depression, Vincent broke up with me last night... I just don't know what to do anymore! It's so stressful! I can't... This world would be better off."
"What would your death prove? You'll be dead; not even considered a person- a body. Don't start thinking recklessly, you're better than this..."
I bit my bottom lip and tried to suppress the tears but they kept on crashing down.
"I'm alone." I sobbed, "I'm alone..."
"You're not alone, Azura. You never were, you're just blinded by current events. Open your eyes wider, listen more carefully..."
Todd pulled me into his chest and I emptied more buckets of tears.
"You're struggling now, but in the future, you'll get a lot out of this... This whole thing is a test."
"A test?" I cried, "How could the death of my mother be a test?! How could Vincent break up with me be a test?"
"Azura, calm down. Why did he break up with you anyways?"
"I... I said..."
"That's all I need. You said something out of anger and it angered him. You probably said something personal."
"I didn't mean to..." I sniffed.
"Of course you didn't, but you responded out of anger. Let me guess, he was counseling you?"
"Yeah but... it just irks me! Like... Like stop treating me like I'm a child!"
"Azura... You're taking things too far."
He let me go and sighed.
"Azura... Just... j-just have faith in yourself. A- don't look away, look at me. Good. I want you to believe in yourself more, I want you to stop doubting yourself so much. As I've said, you're better than this. Overcome it! Just because your name means blue in Arabic doesn't mean you have to be it. Stay strong."
I nodded and helplessly looked up at him as he stood.
"I'll get you some tissues."
"N-no, it's fine..."
"Are you sure?"
I stared at Todd and sighed. I'm so lucky to have friends like him. It just pains me that he has to have a friend like me.
"Yes... Todd, thank you kindly for this. You should go back inside, I-I want to be alone for now."
"Azura, I'm here for you."
"Thank you." I whispered as he patted my back and walked back inside of the building.
Later on that day, I decided to crash in the library. The house was filled with too many pictures of Mom, it was just too suffocating. I went upstairs and tightened my scarf once the air conditioner blew in my face. Settling on the back table, I put my head down and took a short nap.
"Seven, you really thought you could get rid of me?"
I froze in place. Everywhere around me was cloudy and the same voice kept on echoing.
"Seven... thought... rid... me...?"
I closed my eyes and sat down on the floor, trying to block out the whispers. Everywhere felt like it was spinning and I heaved over to vomit. I gasped once I tasted the metallic taste of blood in my mouth and opened my eyes to see blood everywhere.
"You couldn't help me..."
My eyes shifted to my left.
"M-Mom?"
Her skin was pale- a ghostly white, and her face was blurry.
"You're nothing to me, Azura."
My eyes shifted to my right and I stared at Vincent, his blue eyes staring back at me.
"Nothing." he stated.
"Azura, it's cold. Help..." whispered Mom.
"You're pathetic."
"Help me."
"A burden."
"It's cold."
"A mistake."
"I feel numb."
"You're a pathogen!" Ian's voice echoed.
I felt a hand grab mine and shot up. Breathing heavily, I looked around and was met with a frowning Jerv.
"Azura? Hey, are you... okay?"
I looked around the library and then back at Jerv. No Mom. No Vincent. No Ian.
"Jerv... Do you think, do you think I'm going insane? S-should I g-go see a shrink?!"
Rubbing my hands he sighed and shook his head.
"Calm down, Azura... Take a deep breath, breathe with me."
"It's hard to!" I bit my bottom lip and felt it quiver, "I-I'm a pathogen! I'm a... b-burden."
"You're none of those things. You're Azura Valentine and you need rest."
"I'm so stressed out, Jerv. I don't know what to do anymore."
"You need to have faith in yourself. Stop doubting yourself. You. Are. Fine."
His frown deepened and he slowly let go of my hand.
"I know how it feels to lose someone extremely close to you..." he sighed, "I lost my brother five years ago. He was only thirteen and looked up to me."
I assumed he was revisiting a very emotional memory. I put my hand up to stop him, but he only shooed me away and continued.
"I was looking over him. We were both playing soccer out back. I kicked the ball into the street and told him to go get it. When he went to get it, I turned my back away for no more than five seconds and then heard a sharp sound; the sound of a car on its breaks. I turned around to see blood on the windshield and Keliem unconscious. He died a week later in a coma. His birthday was two days ago... You have no idea what it was/is your fault feels, because at the end of the day, it was me who sent him into the street."
My mouth quivered and I reached out to Jerv, but he only turned away. He looked so... hurt.
"You knew when your mother would go. You had the upmost blessing and was able to say your goodbyes when her eyes were opened and she was breathing. Pain is pain, but at the end of the day, you were able to say goodbye."
"J-Je-..."
"Don't be sorry." he muttered, "Just don't beat yourself up. I can tell your mom was an awesome person, really, but I know she wouldn't want you to act like this. Hell, Keliem would've been extremely upset at me if I beat myself up for it- I did... until last year."
"Keliem?"
"Keliem."
I nodded and he smiled.
"I miss him... It's been a long and painful five years, but I know he's watching over me. Your mom's probably watching over you as well. Make her proud."
Patting my back, he stood up.
"And don't mind Vincent, of course he's sad that you're like this. It hurts him too, give him a day or two, then check up on him. Just hope that he didn't take what you said to heart."
As he walked away, I couldn't help but think about what he told me. He lost his brother- his only brother- five years ago. He's alone, his parents most likely blamed him for it for a long time. It's been a long time since Mom passed. Should I still be grieving? Of course! But... But should I let it control me like this? I stared at Jerv's retreating form until he finally went inside the building.
"Obstacles are always placed in life so you could overcome them. Don't show anything or anyone your weaknesses, don't let the obstacle control your life..."
Vincent's words of wisdom echoed through my mind and I took a deep breath. He told me this straight after the burial.
I jumped when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I looked at the text from Vincent.
I was serious- I'm done.