Duke and I are nestled up in bed around midnight. Almost eight hours until the boys' flight leaves. I gave up hope on Calum coming home. All day today I sat outside and played with Duke, but I also watched the front gate. It never opened. I have my laptop open, so I can watch a movie because apparently, Cal was against putting a TV in his room.
There are a couple of new romance movies that just dropped on Netflix, but usually, I save those for Calum and me to watch together. I scroll through for a while, but I don't find anything interesting that I want to watch. I shut my laptop and let out a sigh of frustration. Of course, sleep doesn't look like it's going to be my friend tonight. I'm not surprised, Calum could've come home at any time over the last two days but he hadn't, and it was keeping me awake.
I roll over onto my side and scroll through my Instagram. There are various pictures of Luke and Ashton out in LA over the past couple days, but everyone is wondering where Calum is. There are a few beautifully drawn pictures of Mali as a tribute. I like some of them and then continue scrolling. Hayden posted a photo of my redecorated room that is now hers. I comment on it and then move on.
The gym had given me the option not to start classes on Monday, but I'd been going in to train over the last couple of weeks, so I thought why not? It beats sitting here and wondering. I bought Duke a new dog bed to sit in the corner of my classes so he wouldn't have to sit at home all day. Plus I didn't think anyone would mind, and he's good at listening when he's told to stay put.
At 1:30 am I heard the door beep and then open. My body freezes, and I feel my blood run cold. I set the alarm to the "stay" setting so when a door is opened, whoever opened it has thirty seconds to enter the code before the alarm goes off. When I hear the familiar beeps of the number being punched in, I only half relax. Calum is home. Duke's ears perk up at the sound of a soft thud on the floor, and I assume it's his bag. Immediately Duke jumps down and hurries out of the room.
"Hi bud, long time no see, huh?" Calum coos quietly. My chest tightens listening to his voice. I pull myself out of my frozen state and stand up, silently walking to the doorway of our room as I lean against the frame I see him. He's crouched down right outside the kitchen, almost to the living room, petting and scratching Duke. He doesn't notice me yet.
When he straightens to his full height, he looks around the house, finally spotting me. His shoulders tense and then relax, but I can't read his facial expression in the dark. He doesn't look like he's going to be running into my arms any time soon.
"I didn't mean to wake you up." He says quietly, picking up his bag and then walking towards me.
"Wasn't asleep," I reply, turning on my heel and going to sit back on the edge of the bed. Calum enters the room seconds after I sit.
My heart drops as I get the first close up view of his face. His eyes looked like they were sunk in slightly; he had dark bags under his eyes. His hair was messy, and he looked exhausted. I want to get up and fall into his arms, just to feel him once more.
"Are we going to talk about this?" I ask, leaning back on my hands. Whatever he answers with will let me know if he thinks it was okay to leave me in the dark for two weeks.
Calum faces the closet, and I wonder if he notices that a majority of my clothes are gone. He doesn't say anything about it.
"I needed time, but I got that so I'm back," Calum says like there shouldn't be any question about it.
"That doesn't work for me, Calum." I try not to grit my teeth. I figured I would feel sad when he appeared but instead, I'm angry.
"I'm sorry."
Calum pulls down a medium-sized suitcase from the top of the closet and folds a couple of jackets to go inside.
"Where are you going?" I already know the answer.
"My flight leaves a little after 8. We're continuing with the tour." Cal clears his throat but still doesn't look back at me.
"Are you kidding me?" I huff, standing to my feet. I curl my fingers around his shoulder and pull him to face me.
"The fans need me, Teagan. I'm sorry I was fucking grieving my dead sister, and you're mad because you didn't get enough attention." We are in close proximity, and the volume of his voice makes me flinch. I step away from him and shake my head.
"You're right, how selfish of me to sit here in your fucking house with your friends while you text them and not me. How selfish of me to assume I meant enough to you to be able to help you through a hard time. Actually, how selfish of you to assume we didn't all want to be there for you. We miss her too. Fuck you." I've never screamed at Calum, not that I can remember, until now.
I leave the room as soon as I feel the first tear run down my face. Instead of staying in the house I make my way outside. I sit down on one of the lounge chairs by the pool and look up at the sky. I wipe at my eyes, and part of me expects the door to slide open, but it doesn't, not for thirty minutes at least.
"T."
I sigh before I look over to the door. He's only halfway outside. "It's chilly out here. Come inside."
"You don't want the neighbors to hear you when you yell at me again?" I move in the chair so I'm facing him and he sighs.
"Please Teagan."
"Fine." I get up, and he reaches for my hand, but I don't take it. I try not to let him see how much I want to. It's been so long since I've felt his touch.
I shut the door behind me and look to Calum who is standing right in front of me. Maybe three feet away.
"It's one more month of touring, and only a little over a dozen shows left. You don't have to go," I say quietly.
"Yes, I do. It's my job, Teagan. You know that. I wish I could drop everything to be with you but I can't." His hands are stuffed in his pockets as he looks at me, gently shaking his head.
"God, Calum. Get your head out of your ass. This isn't about me!" I point to my chest, and he takes his hands out of his pockets to hold them out like he's clueless.
"And we came inside because I was going to yell again?" He emphasizes the word "I," and I almost feel my blood start boiling.
"You really think that I'm mad at you right now for not paying attention to me? I can't even begin to explain why that's ridiculous. You left for two weeks and didn't talk to me, sure that's why I'm mad, but it's not because I wasn't getting attention."
"I was with my family, Teagan! I don't understand why that's hard for you to get!"
I feel the tears running down my face, and all of my thoughts zero in on the conversation Mali, and I had at the airport. It feels like it takes the wind out of me and before I can stop the words from coming out of my mouth, I say, "Because I'm supposed to be part of your family too."
The words are soft and quiet and have much contrast to mine or Calums previous words. I watch his shoulders sink as his eyes scan my face and realization hits him. He takes one step forward, but I take one back. His facial expression mimics the hurt I have on the inside.
"Why'd you ask me to move in here, Calum?" I motion around the place with my hands, and he furrows his eyebrows again. There still aren't any lights on inside the house, but I can make out his facial features because he's close to me.
"Because I love you, you know that. I want to come home to you, and I want all of this to be ours. I want the late nights and the early mornings with you. The busy days and the ones when we do nothing but lay in bed or outside. It doesn't even have to be this house, anywhere with you is my home." Emotion is evident in his voice.
The next wave of tears spills onto my cheeks, and I shake my head. "If I'm the one you want all of that with then why wasn't I the one you trusted to be there for you? We're in a relationship, and I refuse to feel stupid for thinking it's a serious one. We both agreed that communication is one of the most important things for us, but when you left for Australia, and all I got was a text, it felt like that conversation never happened. Luke and Ashton and Michael all said that this is a thing that you've always done this, but you're not alone anymore. We're together, and you have to let me in, or this won't work."
Calum brings his hands up to rest them on the back of his neck with a sigh. "I guess maybe I thought it would be too overwhelming to deal with Mali's death and bringing you along to meet my family. Maybe it was just a habit. I don't know, Teagan."
"I just don't want it to happen in the future. Mali is gone, and obviously, that hurt you, and it hurt me too, but it hurt more knowing I couldn't be there for you because you wouldn't let me. I felt like I was alone and an outsider. It shouldn't be okay with you that I felt that way." I bring one of my hands to my face to wipe the tears away.
"I thought this wasn't about you? I get it, I do. I understand that I've spent the majority of my life alone, but I can't change these things overnight, Teagan." Anger is back in his tone, and my jaw drops at the very sudden change of emotion.
"No one asked you to. Those words never came out of my mouth. All I'm asking is for you to at least consider me next time you want to shut the world out. If I'm mistaken and I don't mean as much to you as I thought, please let me know, and I'll go." I spit back, but all he does is shake his head.
"I need to finish packing my stuff, or I won't make it." Calum turns on his heel, and I scoff.
"We've come full circle now haven't we? You've got to go on tour, and nothing else matters."
He halfway turns back to me. "I don't have time. It's my job, and I need to be there. We already pushed it all back two weeks. We can talk when I get there tomorrow."
"No Calum, we can't. We're either talking now, or I'm leaving. There's not a show tomorrow night, and you know that so you could push it back if you want to, but you're too damn stubborn to stand here and admit you're not the only one in this relationship."
The look on his face is one of pure shock. "You're what?"
I point to the front door, the one he didn't come in, so he hadn't noticed my suitcases sitting there.
"I'm leaving. My bags are packed. I can't be in a relationship with someone who will shut me out when something happens. We were supposed to be a team. If you don't feel that way, maybe we're not in the stage of our relationship to be living together. Meagan from the gym said I could stay with her and Duke could come too until you get back."
"You're not going anywhere, T. Quit being silly." Calum turns away from me and goes back into the bedroom.
"Then neither are you until we talk about all of this." I follow him, stomping a little bit. When I enter the room, I see him briefly wipe his face with his sleeve.
"I never meant to make you feel like you were unwanted. I'm an idiot for not bringing you with me, T. It was so hard." Instead of looking at me, he puts his head in his hands and leans into the clothes that are hanging in the closet. My heart feels like it just hit the floor.
"Hey, come here," I say softly, wrapping my fingers around his elbow and gently pulling him towards me.
When he finally gives in, all of his weight leans onto me. We both stumble back a few steps before we sink to the floor. I wrap him in my arms from behind him, proving to be a little difficult because of our differences in size but it works. Despite feeling his body shake against mine as he cries, I'm so thankful to have him close to me.
"I miss her so much, T. Please don't leave me too, I know I shouldn't have treated you the way I did, but I can't take it." Calum turns over to his side and presses his face into my neck.
I shake my head, hating myself for ever saying I'd leave. I knew I wouldn't. "It's okay, Cal, I'm staying right here."
His arms tighten around my waist as I gently rock us from side to side. "I know it's hard. I miss her too."
I've only seen Calum cry a few times, but never this hard. I wish he could stay here and I could protect him from anything that could ever hurt him again. His whole face is squished up and I know he's not only emotionally hurt but it causes him physical pain too. Tears continue to stream down both of our faces for a while.
After who knows how long of whispering sweet encouragements to him, both of our tears dry but neither of us moves. Gently, I pull back from him to get him to look up at me. For the first time in a while, I get to look into his beautiful brown eyes. "Calum, I really don't know if touring is a good idea for you right now. I want you to feel like you're ready for this."
Calum shrugs, sighing. "I don't feel like I'll ever be ready, Teagan. Mali loved to tour and perform, why am I the one that still gets to? It doesn't feel right that she'll never get to again, so I have to."
"I understand. She'd want you to." I place my hands on his cheeks, and he relaxes at my touch.
"That means one more month apart for us." He sticks his bottom lip out in a pout, and I resist every fiber in my body that's telling me to kiss him.
"We've made it this far, so I think we can handle one more month." I brush his hair out of his face. His hair is starting to grow long enough that his curls are going to resurface soon. His platinum hair is now an ashy color, but I love it more than I did when it was all blonde.
"Can't you just come with me?" Calum pouts again, and I smile.
"First, you could've asked me to come with you any time in the last three months that I didn't have a job. Second, quit pouting at me like that. It makes me want to kiss you." I roll my eyes, and he smirks.
"What's stopping you? You know we're together, right?" He winks at me, and I shake my head before finally leaning down to connect our lips.
It feels like everything else is okay for the moment because I feel entirely at home with him and I always have.
+++++
I almost ended this chapter at the part where Teagan says she's leaving just bc I'm a hoe for cliffhangers but instead here's this. I might write smut for the next chapter??
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this double update!! I will for sure be back with another chapter on Friday.
Also, heads up that this book is probably ending at either chapter 30 or 35, but most likely the last chapter will be 30. I've loved writing Talk Fast and Once, but I think it's almost time to let go. I have plenty more ideas though, so watch out for new books :)
Don't forget to comment and vote!!
ily
Kristen