Time and space. How much time? The space part is pretty easy to figure out seeing as Calum is halfway across the globe. The funeral was five days ago. It's been a week and a half since he sent me that text.
A week and a half of sitting here wondering what the hell I did wrong, I get that he's grieving his sister, but we all are. I get that he wants to be alone, I even somehow understand why I wasn't invited to the funeral but what I can't understand is why he's incapable of sending one text message back. He's texted Ashton a couple of times and even Luke but not me.
I never felt like an outsider when I'd hang out with all four of them. I never felt like an outsider when I met or hung out with Mali. I never felt like an outsider until now.
Our relationship seemed stable, and it felt that way too. Everyone that's ever seen Calum and I together have said without a doubt that we were meant to be together. It all feels like it's up in the air now. If we were as strong as everyone saw us, why won't he contact me? Why am I sitting outside on his patio with his friends feeling like I don't belong here?
All I'm asking for is a text that says, "I'll be home soon, I love you." or something along those lines, but I don't get it. Calum didn't even tell me he loved me, just that he needs time and space. I tried to understand that, and I do to a certain degree but eleven days feels extreme — something or anything to hold on to. "I need time and space, I hope you can understand," feels like a breakup.
I know that's not what he meant. Calum would never break up with me over a text message, but after eleven days I'm starting to wonder if it should've been. How could I be with someone who won't keep me in the loop of his life? Sure, I live in his house, and I'm surrounded by his friends, but none of that means shit if he's not here.
When Calum and I started dating, I was aware that he's a very private person. We'd talked about communicating and always being honest with each other especially after what happened at the airport last summer. I had heard that he likes to curl into himself and his emotions when it's a lot to handle, but so far it hadn't happened yet. Until now, I'm getting the first taste of what that's like, and it's so bitter.
"Teagan? Want to get in the pool?" Luke calls out to me snapping me out of my trance. He's inside the pool with his elbows on the pavement propping him up. It's sunny outside today in LA, so we decided to have a chill outdoors day.
I gently shake my head, and he frowns. "Come on. You've already got your suit on and everything. It feels nice."
"Maybe in a minute. I'm going inside to get a snack." I swing my feet over the side of the lounge chair and push myself up. I know I have all eyes on me as I walk inside because we brought a bunch of snacks outside already.
The boys had helped me move Mali's boxes into her room so Sierra and Luke could sleep there. Michael and Ash had been crashing in the living room. They're all going back to their houses tonight because the boys have to begin packing again. Three more days until they'll be back on the road, but Calum hasn't given them an answer if he's going to be there or not. If he has, they haven't told me.
I greet Petunia and Duke as I come inside, they'd both gotten a little overheated outside, so we let them into rest. The cold air conditioning feels good on my heated skin. I quickly move away from the window paned doors so they can't stare at me from outside anymore.
I lean against the doorway of Calum and I's bedroom. It feels weird to call it ours because he's never been here. It may never get the chance to be ours.
Luke tells me not to take Cal's behavior personally because he's done it to all of them, but I do. We are in a relationship, and if it's serious enough for me to move in with him, then it's serious enough for him to open up to me. I can't live with someone not knowing the next time they'll disappear because 'it's what they do.' That doesn't work for me and it never will.
If Calum would come home and talk it out with me, I'd consider staying. If he goes straight from Australia to their next tour stop, I won't be here when the tour is over. He almost has to come back here, the boys brought one of two of his suitcases, and he doesn't have enough clothes for a month, but that doesn't mean he'll want to talk to me.
Should I even pack my bags until then? He won't take me seriously if I don't, but I can't pack while everyone is here.
I remember the look on Calum's face when we FaceTimed a day or two after I got all of my stuff unpacked. He looked so happy to have his closet space minimized down to a fourth of the whole closet. He seemed so excited to see his shoes mixed with mine. I sigh loudly, grateful that no one else is in the house with me. I make my way into the kitchen to make myself a peanut butter and banana bagel. I realize the window is open, and I can hear them talking outside, but they all have their backs to me.
"Calum has got to come to his senses. It's not fair for him to do this to her." Sierra shakes her head, and Luke shrugs.
"He does this, and he's always done this. She just hasn't seen it yet. He'll come back like he always does."
"I don't know man. He's never been in a relationship this serious before, and that kind of stuff doesn't work well. It's got to be exhausting for her." Michael pipes in.
"We can all see that she's exhausted, but what can we do? No, of course, he shouldn't be acting like this, but he's too damn stubborn to listen to any of us. Believe me, I've tried to tell him he needs to talk to her and he won't listen." Ashton adds his opinion, and I softly shut the window, so I don't hear anymore. I don't want to know about the conversations they're having with Calum while I'm not.
When I finish making my bagel, I grab my headphones from the drawer and make my way outside. Their conversation hushes as I shut the door behind me. "I'm going to put my headphones in. That new Ted Bundy movie came out on Friday so don't mind me."
I shrug and settle back down in my chair before popping my headphones in my ears. They all look at me with their jaws hung open a little bit, but I ignore them.
+++
"Please, Teagan, call if you need anything. We'll all still be in town until Sunday morning." Ashton pulls me into a hug, and I nod into his chest.
"All I need is to talk to Calum, but I'll keep that in mind. I appreciate you guys coming and spending time with you." I already said goodbye to the others, and Ashton is the last one to leave.
"He'll come around. I know it's tough." Ashton picks up his bag that's sitting by the door and pets Duke one last time.
"I hope it's soon. I'm getting tired." I sigh, and Ashton furrows his eyebrows at me.
"You're not thinking about leaving him, are you?"
I immediately shake my head. If I am, I need to be the only person that knows. Calum can't lose his girlfriend and his sister in one week and then find out one of his best friends knew all along.
"No, I just don't like sitting around here waiting on him. I'm hoping I see him before you guys leave, but I don't know." I shrug my shoulders, and he nods.
"You better, or I'm not letting him get on that plane with us." The alarmed look on Ash's face transforms into a more playful one.
"So he's for sure flying out of LA with you guys?" I lean against the doorway as he steps outside.
"I guess. He's been giving strange answers, but from what we can tell, he's trying to be there."
I nod again, and he nods too. "See you in a month I guess. Please take care of yourself."
He blows me a kiss as he gets in his car and I reach out to catch it before I return back inside. I sigh, now I have to decide what to do. I don't want to leave.
I realize that I wouldn't leave Calum, I'd leave his house. We might have jumped into this step too quickly. As much as I wanted it to work, maybe we aren't ready for it yet.
After I put some food in Duke's bowl make my way back into the bedroom. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the closet that's overflowing with mostly my clothes and shoes. There's a box in the top of the closet that I hadn't noticed before, so I stand up to pull it down. It seems to be almost half full. On the top in chicken scratch lettering, it says, "Cal, keep these! family photos and fun memories. love you bubba xx"
Before I open it, I take it into the living room so I could spread some of the pictures out on the coffee table. After I set the box down, I make my way into the pantry to grab a bottle of wine and a wine glass. I go ahead and set the alarm for the night, so I'll know if anyone tries to open the doors or the gate, not that I think anyone will but just to be safe.
As I pour myself a glass, I think about asking Calum if it's okay for me to look through the box, but I decided against it. He wouldn't answer anyway, and I can always pretend I didn't know what was in the box. I hadn't been blowing up Cal's phone. I've sent him maybe one text a day except for the last couple of days. At first, I wondered if he was mad at me, but then I told myself I hadn't done anything wrong. Missing him isn't a crime, and sending him one text a day telling him I hope he's okay shouldn't hurt him.
I groan, downing the glass before I open the box. There are some bigger pieces of paper that I pull out first to discover that they're old school assignments of Calums. One of them is a paper on frogs versus toads, and I wonder what kind of school he went to that let him write that kind of paper. It starts with "Toads are usually bigger, and before this paper that's the only difference I knew." I laugh before setting it to the side. It's probably a good thing that he met the boys and started a band.
The next regular sized piece of paper is a fake high school diploma, gifted to him by Mali and it looks like she made one for all four of them. I take out the first stack of pictures and start to shuffle through them. Most of them are pictures of when Calum was a toddler, there are a few of him pulling Mali's hair, but she's still smiling. For some reason, I can't imagine Calum as a bratty little brother, but it looks like he was.
It occurs to me that I don't know a lot about the way he grew up. From what Mali told me, I know that they were best friends because their family was something that always took top priority. As I continue to watch them grow up through these pictures, I wish he could be here to tell me about it.
I pour my third glass as I think about what he knows about me. We've never really talked about our pasts, and maybe it's because at first, we didn't know we'd be together this long. Our relationship was supposed to end when summer did, but it seemed like the universe had other plans.
What am I going to do when he shows up here completely apologetic and telling me he missed me? Feel like a total asshole, that's what. What if I'm just overreacting? He lost his sister, his best friend, the one person he always confided in, of course, he's going to want time.
I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish the next two days would pass quickly so he'd be here and we'd get to talk about it. It makes me sick to think of him alone at her funeral. Knowing Calum, he'd try his hardest not to cry during the service or in front of his parents. When he's behind closed doors, it's probably a different story. I shake my head. I'll never be able to stand my ground if I keep thinking like this.
At this point, it feels like only time will tell. I don't know what I'm going to say until he walks through those doors and says something first. I can't jump onto him before he has a chance to say something. I leave the pictures scattered around the floor and table as I push myself up to my feet. I don't clean anything up before I carry myself to bed. All I have to do now is wait.
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Hi everyone! I know I missed Friday's update, but to make up for it I'm going to be doing a double update today.
I think this is the first time I've done this? Maybe the first time in a long time? Anyway, I'm going to wait a few hours before posting the next chapter but don't worry, it'll be up sometime during the day.
Please let me know what you think!! Don't forget to comment & vote, your comments always make my day :))
ILYSM
Kristen