"They say the things that finally break you are the words caught in your throat, and she has years of thoughts not uttered crammed in the pockets of her coat. A whisperer amongst a world that's learnt only to speak, where silence must be broken for the proof that it is weak. But wherein lies the weakness of keeping words held in your hand? When others listen to reply she listens just to understand. Surely it's strength when things unspoken fill the room up to the brim, and she's the only one among them who has taught herself to swim."
e.h
The second day of the meetings, Jack and I had made sure to awake much earlier than usual. The thought of skipping a second day of our morning training was unbearable. Jack's wolf was apparently clawing to let off some steam, being challenged by the presence of so many Alpha's on his land. I wasn't fairing much better, a tension had settled in my body since yesterday's meeting.
I had yet to receive a response about my transferal.
Jack had assured me this was typical, that Alpha Harris would need to take the day to deliberate before accepting or rejecting me. The wait was torturous though, it was all I could focus on and falling asleep last night had been damn near impossible. So even as exhaustion weighed heavy in my bones, I needed this sparring.
"You okay?" Jack urged, eyeing me hesitantly.
I wiped back the sweat on my face, readjusting my tight pony-tale with a hint of a growl. I'd really been working my frustrations out on him this morning.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I rebuked, with a shrug of my shoulder that I imagined did not come across as casual as I had intended it to. Not as Jack's gaze narrowed slightly in assessment.
"You look like you're on edge, like someone who hasn't shifted for a week and their wolf is pushing to escape."
"Well you know that's not my problem," I huffed.
"That's why I'm concerned."
"We're talking too much," I grunted, shaking out my shoulders knowing I was too tense. "I'm just worried about my transfer okay, drop it."
Feigning left, I swiped right and hit Jack where he was unguarded, my fist smashing just below his sternum. He was taken off guard, his concern for me proving to be his weakness, as I moved to swipe at his legs. He was on the ground, my hands at his throat before he could even blink.
I had never taken him down so quickly before.
I wasn't sure if it was quite a measure of just my skill, or rather a symptom of how distracted he seemed, but I was claiming the win all the same.
"Fuck." Jack wheezed, wide disbelieving eyes meeting mine. "I should have paid more attention."
After we had separated and cooled down from the fight, I couldn't help laughing at the way Jack was pouting as he used his t-shirt to wipe away the sweat from his chest and face. The man was such a sore loser it was hilarious.
"Alright, alright, you've had your fun." He chastised, throwing his damp shirt at me.
Dodging the offending item with a squeal and a spin, I caught sight of the Colorado Alpha across the grass. Instantly my feet were stumbling and my laugh cut off into a spluttering squawk as I tumbled to my knees. It was Jack's turn to start laughing. If my cheeks hadn't already been so hot from the training, they were now on fire. How embarrassing.
Alpha Harris made no move to come closer to us, but his intense gaze never left me, except to briefly asses Jack who reached out to help me up.
"You're such an idiot," Jack chortled, not yet noticing the Alpha who was observing us, or perhaps he had noticed but simply didn't care. Only Jack, as one of the youngest Alpha's would be stupid enough to ignore the presence of another Alpha out of pride. He was lucky Alpha Harris didn't storm over here and force him to submit for his blatant disrespect. Thankfully Alpha Harris didn't seem the type to have to assert his dominance, he knew of his power and didn't feel insecure enough to need to remind himself of it.
"I was caught by surprise," I snapped defensively, my embarrassment still growing.
"You just made a fool out of yourself in front of him," he teased. So he was aware of the other Alpha.
"Fuck. Off." I hissed at Jack, terrified that Alpha Harris could hear every word we were saying. He wasn't that far away, and the older the wolf the better the hearing, especially an Alpha.
Jack scoffed, shoving me away from him as he collected his shirt from the ground.
"I need to go talk to Eli for today's training if I'm gonna' be stuck in meetings all day again. Give Alpha Harris my regards." He nodded towards the imposing Alpha that stood between me and my path back to the cabin.
"I hate you."
"Try not to fall again," Jack declared as he turned on his heels and quickly shifted into his wolf before taking off in the direction of Eli's cabin. He was avoiding Alpha Harris and using me to escape, the bastard.
I tried to keep any grumbling to myself as I stalked towards the now scowling Alpha watching me approach against the early rise of the morning sun. Everything in my body was screaming at me to walk in the opposite direction. I usually had no problem with socialising with others, and I was well versed in conversing with other Alpha's. But the importance of Alpha Harris' opinion of me, something that would effect the rest of my life, was a pressure I didn't want to bare. It was cowardly I knew, but I was damn near terrified of this man.
"You've bested an Alpha?" Were the first words out of his mouth, in a gruff tone. It took me a second to realise he was talking about the fight that had just taken place between me and Jack.
"Only in hand to hand," I shrugged, feeling the need to defend Jack's skills. It reflected on him poorly if other Alphas thought a non-shifter like me could best her Alpha. "And only because we've trained together so much, if I could shift and we sparred, I know I'd never be able to beat him."
Jack's wolf was ferocious, and I respected anyone that dared to go against him.
"Then what chance do you have of being an enforcer?"
I almost reeled back at the verbal challenge, narrowing my eyes as I stared just past Alpha Harris' shoulder, not wanting to be caught glaring at him. Just a second ago he was impressed with my combat skills, and now he was questioning them all together.
"It's less about being an enforcer," I drawled, trying to keep any annoyance from my voice, "and more about being in the enforcer pack. You don't have to use me. You don't even have to waste your time training me. I just don't want to be here anymore. I'll earn my keep in other ways."
I realised instantly how stupid I sounded. What reason was there for him to welcome me into his pack. Of course he didn't want someone as weak as me. A mixture of humiliation and a bruised pride urged me to keep talking, despite my common sense screaming at me to shut up.
"I didn't realise it was a requirement for your pack to be able to best an Alpha in both forms, let alone even one. I've yet to witness anyone else accomplish such a task. But perhaps the standards are different in your pack." Perhaps you're easier to beat.
The deep set of his scowl confirmed he understood what I was implying.
I didn't wait for a response from Alpha Harris, my legs carrying me away feverishly, before I could taunt him any more. How stupid I was? Why the hell did I think insulting his pack would help my cause?
___
I hadn't spoken to Alpha Harris or his beta for the remaining two days of the meetings. And as the third and final day was almost at its end, I began to lose all hope that my transferal would be approved. I had insulted Alpha Harris and his pack and because of it he had rightfully rejected me.
I'd never felt like such a fuck up in all my life.
Jack was about to conclude the meetings, the last time all seven Alpha's and the enforcer Alpha would all be together for another six months. While he stood, I was slumped in my seat behind him, Beta Maria offering me a supportive pat on the arm and a weak smile.
She must have sensed how embarrassingly close I was to crying in front of every Alpha and Beta at the meeting. I hadn't expected such a visceral reaction from myself, but here I sat, minutes away from the worst moment of my life, the official rejection of my transferal. Once the meetings were concluded, the Colorado Alpha and Beta would be returning to their pack. They had never stayed for the closing dinner before, always eager to leave as soon a possible. The window of possibility was quickly closing for me.
A flurry of movement broke out in the room. My heart felt as if it had fallen right into my gut as I was ripped from my thoughts and it became apparent that the meetings had officially ended. It was over. Alpha Harris and his Beta would be leaving any moment.
Jack's trim waist filled my line of sight. I arched my neck to stare up at his sympathetic gaze, knowing just how pathetic I must have looked. My eyes were burning and I prayed so hard that no tears fell.
"Come on," he encouraged, holding out a hand towards me. "Lets go take a walk."
Luckily we had been able to escape the main house without any interruptions from another Alpha wanting to speak to Jack. It seemed everyone had been eager to escape the room and return to their cabins to freshen up for the evening meal.
I wasn't sure I was even able to go. What if I started to cry in front of everyone? I'd never live past the shame.
We kept our pace slow as we walked through the trees that surrounded the main house, far enough away that we wouldn't stumble across anyone from the meetings. Jack didn't say a word and I couldn't find it in me to start a conversation. It helped a great deal though, just being out in the forest.
The sick, heavy feeling in the bottom of my stomach didn't shift, but at least I wasn't one second away from bawling out my eyes.
"Thanks," I uttered after ten minutes of silence. From beside me Jack's shoulders slumped with a heavy sigh, relief clear on his features that I had finally spoken. I hadn't realised he had been so tense.
He wasted no time in pulling me into his arms, his hands heavily patting my back as I was squeezed tight. Face pressed awkwardly against his toned chest, my arms dangled loosely a my sides.
"You good?" He mumbled, breath dancing across my neck. I shuddered. His scent, rich and overwhelming, filled my scenes.
"Uh huh." Clearing my throat I pulled away from him. My heart was hammering a little too hard, cheeks flushing.
Too close. He was too close to handle.
I couldn't allow myself to be caught up in those feelings again. He was my Alpha. He was my friend. It was inappropriate.
"You sure you're okay?" Jack fixed me with weighted look, one I wasn't sure how to read. A heavy hand landed to my shoulder, squeezing it lightly in what was meant to be a comforting gesture. "They don't know what they're missing out on, okay?"
A tight lipped smile was all I could offer him in return.
An hour later we were back in the pack house. My mom had managed to force me into a skirt - as if I was still five and not twenty-three - as apparently it was more appropriate for the evening. I wasn't impressed. Dinner wasn't going to be served for at least another hour, much to the horror of my growling stomach, and instead everyone was milling around the meeting room now bare of its conference tables and chairs.
It sounded like torture. Surely everyone was fed up of being here by now, formalities and traditions like this just seemed so tiring. I almost didn't blame Alpha Harris for skipping out on this part of the meetings. Almost.
That is until I was pouring myself another glass of water, and I caught the eye of the Colorado Beta stood in the corner of the room by himself. He was sipping on whatever was in his glass, his attention uncomfortably focussed on me.
He wasn't supposed to be here.
I hated the sudden sense of hope blooming in my chest. I hated the way my eyes immediately scanned the room to find Alpha Harris. I hated the small smile that curved on the corner of my lips as I saw him conversing with Alpha Delaney by the doors.
They hadn't left yet.
Jack had also noticed them from his position at the back of the room where he conversed with the Wyoming Alpha and Minnesota Beta. He offered me a quick smile, gaze falling back to the Colorado Alpha across the room. The Alpha who was now walking towards me.
"Emily," Alpha Harries greeted with a firm nod. His Beta was already at his side, standing in his usual silence. I had yet to hear the man mutter a single word in these last three days.
"Alpha Harris." My words were short and clipped. It was hard for me to speak over the thundering of my nerves.
"We'll be leaving tonight, immediately after the meeting. Be prepared." Alpha Harris was staring at me and it took me embarrassingly long to realise he was waiting for a response and that the 'we' had included me. Beta Adriel's eyes darted between us as he stood beside his Alpha. He kept his expression blank but it was obvious something about this exchange intrigued him. If his expression wasn't always so dull and emotionless, I would have thought he found amusement in his Alpha's bluntness.
"I figured if my referral was accepted I'd have at least a week from now." More awkward silence, more of Alpha Harris' heavy gaze. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was lucky Alpha Harris was allowing me to join his pack, and here I was tempting fate.
I shifted on my feet, casting a silent plea towards Jack who was still across the room but watching the exchange intently. He didn't offer any acknowledgement, his jaw tense. I needed him to stop brooding and save me from this conversation before I said something that would ruin my chances entirely.
"We'd need to make arrangements to have you escorted to our territory."
I nodded once, biting back my irritation. I couldn't blow this now, Alpha Harris could rescind his approval for my transferal at any point. But...
"I can make my own way. I won't be able to travel back with you both, I can't shift remember?"
"And I imagine you can't drive either," he offered gruffly. "Unless you planned on walking the 750 miles." I tried not to show my surprise. He was right to assume that, of course, most wolves had never even seen a car before, what was the use when they could run just as fast if not faster? Cars were only used if someone was ill and needed to be transferred to a different pack, which was rare, or when Mom drove to the closest town and bought supplies. Usually it was only wolves with titles, such as the Alpha's and Beta's that knew how to drive. Our pack was lucky that they had a human who could buy the supplies while the Beta's focussed on other responsibilities.
Of course I'd been in a car many times, having travelled throughout the packs so often from all the mating rotations and to helping Jack with his communications between the Alpha's, but I had never myself learnt how to drive. My Mom had certainly tried to teach me, but I had always been distracted with training and helping Jack and Beta Maria with the pack. Which was real stupid now that I thought about it. How much easier would my life be if I wasn't restricted by my lack of ability to shift and travel?
"I'll make arrangements," Alpha Harris declared at my silence, leaving me to stand by myself as he walked away with his beta following in his usual silence.