"Do you ever want to run away and start over? Wipe the slate clean. Begin all over again with a blank canvas? It's okay, we all feel that way sometimes. It doesn't mean you don't love you life or the people in it. It doesn't mean that you wouldn't give your last breath to see them happy. Sometimes we yearn to be selfish, it means we have been selfless for too long."
Lang Leav
"You're distracted," Jack growled after my back had slammed into the dirt for the fifth time that morning, my neck arched towards him in defeat.
"Why can't I train with the rest of the pack?" I groaned, not bothering to stand. I was squinting from my position on the ground, my hand framing my sweaty brow against the glare of the sun. It was early in the morning, the rest of the pack had just begun to train, and the rising sun had settled behind Jack with a warm glow. He seemed so regal from down here, stood so tall and strong despite the sweat that covered him and the heavy rise and fall of his chest as he panted. He was cast in a halo of gold, untouchable. As he always was.
What a sight I must be in comparison, panting and hunched, in my usual worn training gear, cheeks surely flushed bright red and my red hair in disarray. Jack never seemed as dishevelled as I always did. Though I supposed that came with being Alpha, his position always demanded he seem tough and resilient. It would do him no good to be seen being bested by me in hand to hand combat, on the days where I could keep my head on straight that is.
Jack sighed at my question, head stooping. He was tired of me asking, as I did every time we trained. But the desire to push myself harder and further never ceased. Our training together had become stagnant. I knew Jack's style, his routine, down to a 'T'. Sure, it was hard as hell to spar with him, an Alpha Male wolf, but it didn't challenge me like it used to anymore.
"You know why." He shook his head, hand outstretched to pull me to my feet. "Come on, get up, one more round before I have to help the rest of the pack with training."
This is why I so desperately wanted to transfer to Colorado, hopefully with them there wouldn't be this constant separation. Hopefully I would be able to train with them.
I scoffed, dusting myself off and shaking out my legs, prepared to deliver him a real beating. The last round was always the best, it was my last chance to earn bragging rights for the day and I never held back.
Jack rolled his eyes at the sly smirk that curled across my lips. Of course, he already knew I was about to give my all. He cracked his neck, a smirk of his own forming to mirror mine. He enjoyed training with me just as much as I him. He always said how refreshing it was to have someone in the pack who wouldn't hold back, fearful of the consequences should they best him - not that anyone other than Eli perhaps, ever could. Even then it hadn't happened since Jack officially took up his position as Alpha. I had only bested him a handful of times and that was only in hand to hand combat. No one beat Jack in wolf form.
"If I land ten hits, I get to train with Eli tomorrow," I bartered.
"Not a chance."
"Come on," I groaned, not above stomping my foot on the ground like a child, "He's the pack trainer, I won't get injured."
"I said no, and that's final." Jack's expression was stern.
I held back my scream of frustration, feeling the anger bubble away within me. Keeping my shoulders still, I stepped forward with a quick jab from my left - which Jack easily blocked - before swinging with my right. My punch landed with a solid crunch, even if he caught the following knee I'd aimed straight for his gut.
"Sloppy," he tutted, as if his nose wasn't currently out of line and his eyes weren't watering because of it. "I thought you wanted to win."
"How's that vision working out for ya'?" I teased gruffly, rolling my shoulders as I tried to ease some of my anger. I couldn't let my frustration rule me, I had to focus.
Jack's tearful eyes narrowed, "Seems like you're just stalling the ass beating you're about to get." He darted towards me, his fist landing square against my jaw but I did nothing but shake it off as I ducked under him and tackled him to the ground. We grappled for the next five minutes, my elbow digging deep into his diaphragm, the palm of my hand clashing against his jaw, until his teeth were on my throat once again.
"I hate it when you hit my chest," I growled, shoving Jack off me with a huff as I rubbed at my sore boob. I wasn't a good loser. Damn idiot always left me with too many bruises. "Good job I always wear black now as well with all this blood."
Jack didn't look much better than I did, there was a definite swelling to his face that wasn't going to heal for the next hour and there was blood trickling down his neck from where my fist had hit his cheek and split the skin.
"When can we discuss Colorado," I panted, wiping the sweat from my brow. Jack said nothing as he reached for his water bottle with a frown. This wasn't the first time I had brought up the enforcer pack to him, but so far, I had yet to receive a concrete response. I was sick of waiting for his decision.
"The semi-annual Alpha meeting is in two days," Jack ignored me, meeting my eye as he threw my bottle towards me. I caught it with ease, gulping back the water instantly.
"I'm aware." My glare was not subtle. Jack rubbed the back of his neck as his gaze darted away for a moment.
"I was hoping you'd accept the position of acting Alpha Female this time." My stomach dropped and my glare slipped, and I was left staring at Jack, mouth somewhat agape. He only seemed more uncomfortable with my reaction.
"Are you sure?" My response was no more than a whisper. That was a big position to fill, not just literally, but because I was abundantly aware of who I was replacing.
"It's been three years since Amy. I'd rather not have to sit through those meetings alone. Besides you already do the paperwork and the preparations with me, and Beta Maria said you were helping her prepare the accommodations for the travelling Alphas and Betas."
"You're not alone if Maria and Kyle are with you at the meetings." I was being pedantic but the thought of filling Amy's shoes, if only temporarily, was terrifying. It felt so wrong.
He shot me an unamused look.
"You know what I mean."
"I do, but I think the idea of me being acting Alpha Female is laughable. I don't have a wolf, how am I equipped to fill that spot, you won't even let me train with anyone but you, and now you're asking me to sit amongst the Alphas and Betas as if I'm one of them?"
"It's only for three days," Jack scoffed. "You know most of the Alpha's, they respect you. You're wolf enough to travel to other packs to help me with my workload, so you're wolf enough to sit in on the big meetings." He sighed when he caught my dubious expression. "Look, I'm gonna' bring up your transferal to Colorado at the meeting."
"Don't you need to send off a formal request first?"
"Nah, Harris is used to taking requests last minute, that rule only applies to the regular packs."
"Ooh, Harris," I teased, watching as a grin slowly formed, no matter how hard Jack tried to hide it. "Aren't you informal. Lucky no one else is around to hear you talk like that."
Jack laughed and I dodged as he threw his bottle right at my face.
"Don't be such a shit or I'll tell Alpha Harris to reject you."
"How very professional of you Alpha Athan, is that how you always talk at the Alpha meetings?" I laughed, dancing out of his reach as he teasingly lunged for me. "I need to go help Beta Maria, go see to your Alpha duties." I nodded, with a wicked smile, over the field to where Eli was stood waiting with his arms crossed and a stern expression. Such a stickler for time keeping, even when it was his Alpha keeping him waiting.
I suppose that was one good thing about not training with the pack. I would never be subject to Eli's training punishments. I'd seen wolves cry before.
___
"He asked you to what?" my sister Margaret almost shrieked, sending a look to our mother that I knew had to mean something.
"He asked me to be acting Alpha Female at the meetings, this morning while we were training." I shrugged, pushing at the food on my plate with my fork, my appetite waning. "It's not like it's unheard of, plenty of Alphas and Betas who've lost their mates have people to fill the position for the meetings. You know Wyoming lost their Alpha Male five years ago and I don't see the Alpha Female showing up alone."
Another look was shared between them both. I gritted my teeth, my eyes dropping to the wooden dining table as I finally dropped my fork.
"What? What are you two looking at each other like that for?" I knew I should have eaten elsewhere when I heard Margaret was joining us for dinner. Whenever these two were together I was in for an interrogation, or embarrassment.
"Well," Mom began, pausing to take a long sip of her water as she avoided my pointed stare. "We just think that... well... you and Jack are awfully close-"
"And we see the way you look at him," Margaret added. Damn, if Margaret noticed then there was no telling who else in the pack could have noticed. How mortifying, I didn't need any rumours spreading.
"And we see the way he looks at you," Mom finished. "Perhaps this is a sign."
"Of what?" My narrowed gaze flicked suspiciously between the two women, with matching growing smirks.
Mom scoffed, "Of his feelings for you of course!"
"This?" I moaned. "Again, with this rubbish? Look, I don't care how you think Jack looks at me, it won't change anything."
"I just thought..." Mom trailed off, catching my sister's eye. Instinctively I knew where the conversation was about to go. "Well if you and Jack finally got together, you wouldn't have to change packs."
"Mom..." I groaned in frustration, growing tired of having the same conversation every time since I had first brought up the possibility of me leaving. I had explained time and time again why I wanted to leave. "You just don't understand..."
"I don't understand?" Mom snapped, offended with my tone. "I'm the only human in this pack and you think I don't know what it's like?"
"I'm not saying things have been easy for you Mom, that you don't face your own challenges, I'm just saying our situations are different. Growing up in the pack, growing up with certain expectations, I feel... I feel like..." a disappointment. I couldn't bring myself to say the word even if it was true.
"You were born knowing exactly who you are, I was born a wolf... except not. I want to train but I can't. I can't continue to live in this pack life, everyone pairing off in their happy bubbles while I'm the twenty-three-year-old still living with her parents. I'm not leaving because I'm lonely and sad and mopey, I'm leaving because I don't belong here, a fact that's glaringly obvious every day I stay!" I snapped.
"Fuck." Swearing at myself for my own outburst I pushed back from the table and stalked off. I didn't want to hang around for the aftermath of my words. If Mom continued to argue with me then I knew without question I would argue back. I didn't need to fight tonight.
It wasn't long before Margaret found me sitting by myself on the porch of our cabin, watching the sun go down. I didn't bother to turn towards her, continuing to stare ahead of me. The autumn leaves looked so pretty under the sunset, it did well to calm me down.
"You don't have to be such a bitch you know." The wood creaked beneath her weight as she shifted to sit beside me on one of the steps.
"I'm not trying to be a bitch," I sighed, fingers rubbing at my temples. "I know she's just concerned. I'm just tired. Tired of having this conversation again and again. I don't have a mate and that's fine. As much as you and Mom worry, I don't feel incomplete and I don't have this great longing for companionship. I don't have a wolf, so I don't feel the endless burning desire to find a mate, I don't feel that pull that screams for my other half, as everyone seems to say."
Margaret fixed me with that familiar look of pity that everyone in this damn pack was so good at giving out. As if they didn't hear a single word I ever said, as if they couldn't comprehend a life worth living without a mate.
"I'm not leaving this pack to escape because I'm afraid of being alone, or because I'm broken with despair, I'm leaving this pack because I honestly believe Colorado can offer me a better future."
Margaret leaned to rest her head against my bicep, staring out into the surrounding trees. In the distance we could see wolves run by, carrying out the evening patrol of the borders.
"You know we just worry. You're so reserved all the time. Mom doesn't want you to feel excluded or like you don't belong."
"That's exactly how I feel sometimes."
___
Beta Maria's relieved smile welcomed me into the pack house the next day and it was a welcome reprieve from my sisters' guilty stares all through breakfast. Margaret and Mitchell had opted to eat with us, and I knew it was because of last night's conversation. I couldn't help but feel as if I was always being monitored in this damn pack, as if everyone thought I was a second away from a massive breakdown.
"Emily, thank goodness! I'm so behind on schedule it's ridiculous!" She huffed, seeming as frazzled as she sounded. Her cheeks were flushed and there were bags beneath her eyes. She must have been staying late to get her workload sorted. From the stacks of papers she was sorting through on her desk, I could understand why.
"How's Beta Kyle doing?" I asked, thinking of how stressed her mate also usually became before these meetings. Dealing with other Alpha's could be exhausting at times and if things weren't to the best standards then that reflected poorly on the pack. Beta Kyle had the lovely responsibility of escorting the Alpha's into our pack boundaries, and with six of them arriving in the space of one day he would be working without rest for hours.
"Oh, don't even get me started, he's been running back and forth all week long testing the routes. He's barely stopped to sleep. Eli's been pushing him a lot in training as well which has been driving his wolf up the wall. But," she shrugged with a smirk, having no sympathy for her mate, "If Eli's landing hits then Kyle needs to step up his game."
"He's always been competitive, at least he's not as bad as Alpha Athan," I joked, thinking of how well Jack was at brooding when Eli really roughed him up. Jack's wolf was just naturally more dominant than regular wolves, it took a lot to take an Alpha down so when someone came close, it was a real bruise to his ego.
"Hmm, I heard Jack gave you a real shiner yesterday," Beta Maria mused as she reached for a handful of keys and stacks of hefty folders and handed them to me.
"Don't worry, I gave him it back just as good."
"Oh, I know, I watched him reset his nose after training," she laughed. "Anyway, I need you to go to the cabins for the Alpha's and Beta's, make sure they're all in order and ready for them, just the usual last checks. And these are the files I've put together for them. The Alpha's should be arriving in..." Maria trailed off to check her watch.
"Dammit," she swore, suddenly flustered as she grabbed for various files, papers crinkling as she hurried, "Alpha Greshick will be here any minute now. Go, go, quick, start with the Arizona cabin so they can settle in straight away!"
Beta Maria all but shoved me out of the pack house, as much as she could without dropping everything, before running off herself towards Jack's office. He would need to travel to the border to greet the arriving pack as was customary. A lot of ass kissing in my opinion.
By the time I'd finished in each cabin, laying out the files for the visiting Alpha's, it was mid-day and I knew the hunters would be returning. I needed to check the food supplies for the following few days.
"Em!" The deep voice of my brother-in-mating called out to me as I was stepping off the porch of the final cabin. He was leading the group of other hunters, all of them caked in mud and blood looking pleased with themselves. At least the hunt was successful, one less thing for Beta Maria to worry about.
"Hey, Mitch," I called, shielding my eyes from the glare of the sun as I watched them all stroll closer. Some of the men were carrying large leather satchels with the meat, others were just carrying entire sections of dear across their shoulders like it was nothing. "Good hunt?"
"We won't be having any of the Alpha's turning their nose down at this," one of the guys grunted, puffing out his chest in pride.
"They will if they smell you all over it," someone else jeered, which was met with laughs as they continued towards the pack house.
Mitchell stayed back, shifting the large satchel across his shoulders.
"Whose cabins that?" He jutted his chin towards the building behind her.
"Colorado, saved them till the end seen as they always arrive last minute." Unfortunately for me, as I wanted to meet them as soon as possible. I couldn't bare waiting. For so long I had been requesting to transfer and Jack had never agreed before now. I felt like I had to get everything approved as quickly as possible before something went wrong.
"I think most of the other Alphas should be here by now though," I explained, gesturing to the meat he was carrying, "So you and the rest of the hunters are just in time. They'll be demanding something to eat before long."
"Well they can wait till the rest of the pack is fed," Mitchell huffed, rolling his eyes.
"You know that's not how it works. If they could hunt for themselves, they would but it's against rules on another Alphas land."
"It's a pain in my ass is what it is. Damn Alphas and their damn rules." He grumbled. "Margaret mentioned you're gonna' be at the meeting tomorrow. You'll have to give Alpha Harris my regards." Of course, I'd forgotten Mitchel trained in Colorado for two years.
"Yeah of course." I nodded awkwardly, hesitating, before allowing myself to ask, "What are they like?"
"Who?"
"Colorado, Alpha Harris' pack, what are they like?"
"They're..." Mitchel exhaled deeply, "They're not what you'd expect."
What did that even mean?
"Mitchel!" A voice shouted through the trees," Alpha Athan needs you."
I almost wanted to hold Mitchell in place so I could interrogate him more, but my brother-in-mating was quick to rush off, eager to answer his Alphas call.
And I was left wondering about the pack I so desperately wanted to join.