KEEP THE ANGST GOING
You all went back home right away the next morning. There was no reason to try to escape the inevitable. It wasn't a bad dream, it wasn't a hallucination. What it was, however, was devastation. You would gladly let Thanos end you again to make this stop, and to take Tony's place instead.
As the jet came in for a landing at the compound hangar bay, you looked down at the grounds when movement caught your eye. There were rows of cars along the drive, and a large group of people in front of the building. At the door, being bombarded by questions, was a pale, fatigued looking Pepper. You wanted to be angry for her, and you tried to muster some up, but you couldn't do it so all you had was an attempt at acting instead. Stepping out of the jet, you made your way to her despite the questions now being hollered out at you, taking her hand to pull her away. Steve stayed back and shut down the yelling reporters with a threat that you didn't fully hear, but his tone made it clear that he wasn't bluffing in the least.
"How dare you even think that you have any right to talk to her," you snapped at the group. "You should be ashamed of yourselves. It's been one goddamn day, and you have no idea what we've lost here. Get the hell off my property and don't expect to ever be invited back." With a glance back over your shoulder, you looked at the grass that had churned up under their feet, and a memory from long ago stung your dying heart. "You have no regard for lawn maintenance."
Bringing Pepper inside, you stopped just to the side of one of the huge windows so that you could make sure that your orders were being followed. "Thank you, (Y/N)."
"You don't need to do that. T'Challa has the media covered and it's cruel to expect you to answer things they don't need to know."
"(Y/N)," she said with barely a hint of sound, "I'm so sorry."
"I know, I'm sorry too." With a long hug between you, and a few more words of attempted encouragement, the two of you turned your separate ways so that you could unpack and she could begin the terrible job of preparations for Tony's service. You would help her, of course, just not right now. It would likely kill you to do it, but that was beginning to seem completely reasonable.
~~~
"Honey, I need to have a meeting with Nick. Will you be okay?"
"I don't need to be babysat, Steve."
"That's not what I said."
"Right," you sighed, "I'm fine. You can go. I'll probably still be unpacking all of this when you get back."
He gave you a hug, standing behind you, but you didn't reciprocate. Normally, his arms around you made you feel safe and loved and like the world couldn't touch you. You felt the strength of it and his attempt at comfort, but you also felt that a fake attempt to give anything back was worse than none at all so you let him release you and go.
You filled drawer after drawer and returned your closet to near full, but when you moved Steve's suitcase to put it away and took it off the bed, it caught your eye. The conversation you had been robbed of; your last chance for reason from the man you could never speak to again. The one thing that could make or break you right now, and it was methodically laid perfectly on your pillow.
A letter from Tony.
~~~
Now, (Y/N), don't be mad.
I knew exactly what I was doing, and I couldn't put you through being with me when this happened. I felt it start right before you left for Wakanda. That's why I didn't hug back at first; I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want that memory for you. I'd rather you remember the sarcastic, eccentric, and remarkably attractive man that I was.
I want you to know that this was my choice, and only mine. I was able to perfect the solution for Steve and Bucky by trying it over and over on myself. A true scientist until the end. You probably could've helped me like you did for them, but I don't want to be a super soldier. I can't even imagine the ridiculousness of it. They can have that serum all to themselves as far as I'm concerned. It's okay, baby, I've lived one hell of a life. I'm okay.
Please tell those grandkids of mine how much I love them. I hope they already know, but a little reminder never hurts. You're going to love being a grandparent, (Y/N). There's nothing like it, and I fully expect you to use my cash to spoil him or her completely rotten. If you could though, maybe teach them about great-grandpa Tony and that I'm loving them so much, just from a lot further away.
I've left a separate note for Steve, but I'm actually going to say that I love that guy too. He tricked me into it after all these years. Never saw it coming.
He had no idea what I was doing, (Y/N). None. He didn't ask me to do this, it was completely on me. I couldn't stand one more day of watching you lose him. I've seen the two of you break up and get back together too many times, and I had to end it all on a good note.
Let him be strong for you, honey, and I know that you're a force on your own, but you can let go and trust him to take care of you through this. No resurrections this time, I'm afraid.
I'm not going to tell you how I feel about you here, because words are dull and useless to describe it. I hope that you already know. You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me, and I wouldn't change a single minute of it all.
Well, except that time you shot me. Never letting that go.
Love you, kiddo,
Dad
~~~
With a slow, gentle hand, you folded the letter up and slipped it carefully back into the envelope. There weren't any tears for the words that you read, and your hands weren't even shaking as you would expect them to be. Glancing to Steve's pillow, there was his letter, just as your dad had said. You had no desire to know what was inside, but you knew that Steve would share it anyway. Getting back to your work, you took Steve's suitcase and put it into your closet, followed by your own. You were almost in auto-pilot, keeping your mind and body busy.
You were fooling yourself to think it would last.
All it took was the glimmer of sunlight from the window, bouncing off a delicate diamond necklace that your dad had given you for the first birthday you spent with him as his daughter. Looking back, it was ridiculous to give such a gift to a child, but you could hear him laugh it off and say that he could always buy a new one. But you could never have a new one mean as much as this one did. This was when you knew that he loved you and he wasn't going to leave you like your other parents had. This was when you loved him back, and it was the day when your new life began.
"How dare you do this to me?! You promised me!" you yelled out and into the empty room. The words stung your throat as you pushed them out with every last bit of air in your lungs, trying to shake the world enough for him to notice from wherever he had to be watching you right now. It was the first pang of feeling that you were allowed since Pepper had crushed you with her phone call, and now that it had started, there was no stopping it.
When Steve's meeting was over and he had returned to help you finish unpacking, he opened the door to a hell that he knew personally. A hell that he had been through himself, and if he hadn't have been, the scene before him would've sent him into a tailspin of terror. He knew the spiral you were riding and where this grief would take you, and he couldn't allow you to suffer like he did. He refused to stand aside and let that happen.
"(Y/N)..." he gasped, hurrying to your side where you were curled into yourself next to the window, covered in glass and blood, surrounded by what was left of your room. "(Y/N), talk to me."
"He's really gone."
"Yes, honey, he is."
"Will you take me to see him?"
Steve pushed back slightly in shock, the alarms immediately sounding in his head as this being a bad idea. "I don't know..."
"I don't think I'll fully believe it until I do. Please. You'll be with me. I'll be okay."
"But what if you're not?"
You looked up at your husband, eyes still freely spilling tears and face swollen, and he was both sad and elated that you were finally showing an emotion; any emotion was welcome. "Steve," you answered shakily, "do I really look okay now? There's nowhere worse to go from here."