Renleigh Kensington
Cuddling was couple-y shit, right? Because that was what we did for the rest of the day. I wish I was kidding but I really wasn't. Styles decided to borrow a few of my brother's stuff that he kept here in case he decided to crash at my place after a night-out or whatever. They were around the same size and everything and because my brother had the most basic taste in clothing ever, the items Harry had on were just that: basic. Yet, they still looked great on him. Which was honestly annoying because my shower didn't help – even though I did more than shower – and him looking so good in grey joggers and a black shirt was just increasing the pain between my thighs.
I kept moving against him at random times and it was not on purpose. Although he did believe it was and so he felt like he had all the rights in the world to blame me for giving him a half boner. It made me feel smug because this way, we both suffered but seeing as the position we were in was too comfortable to move, we just carried on suffering.
It would have been so easy for him to take me and yet he didn't. I appreciated but also hated that fact. He was too nice and he respected me a lot which was something I genuinely wasn't used to. He usually put my needs before his but this time around, it was like he wanted to tease the fuck out of me.
I so badly wanted him to just eat me out on the damn couch but he did not budge.
"Harry?" I called his name after a while. The movie didn't really entertain me, I was more focused on the thoughts in my head as most of the time. He hummed in response which I felt through my back where his chest was pressed against. "Have you spoken to Levi recently?"
"Yeah..." he mumbled. "He rang me like two days ago, I think. Why?"
"Well, I haven't heard from him since we spoke in my office. Not that I wanted to or expected to hear from him. I just- I don't know. I hate feeling bad but I do kind of feel bad."
"Why?" he questioned as he tightened his arms around me and hid his face in my shoulder. My heart rate picked up at his closeness and when he pressed a kiss to my neck, I got goosebumps. "You didn't say anything to him that you shouldn't have."
"Did he ever talk to you about it?"
"Yeah. He is not mad at you, if that's what you were wondering," he told me. "You only stood up for yourself and there was nothing wrong with that."
"Hmm."
"Sure, he was pissed for about three hours or something – he kept me on FaceTime. But he got over it once he calmed down. I just don't think he is used to people chatting back to him because he never really gets into arguments and stuff."
"I guess," I spoke under my breath. "Well, that's cool then."
"Whilst we're on the friend topic – how is Zayn Malik?"
"Alive, probably," I smirked. "How should I know?"
"Isn't he your friend?" he questioned.
"No."
"Lies."
"Alright then," I laughed and pinched his hand. He mumbled an 'ouch' in my ear and I couldn't help but grin. For fuck's sake, he was so cute.
"It's cool to have friends, you know?" he let out a loud sigh as he pulled away from me and I felt him sit up. He picked my legs up and laid them on his thighs. I watched him from my position as he poured himself more wine and brought the glass to his soft lips. "I think you get along with him really well," he told me after he took a sip.
"How would you know?" I squinted my eyes as I waited for him to reply. Perhaps I liked testing him. It seemed like he liked being tested.
"I saw you interacting with him. It's natural and you just seem to get on."
"We do work together. I guess that makes a difference," I added.
"Probably," he agreed. "I like knowing you have nice people around you."
"Yeah?" I chuckled.
"Yeah," he smiled softly. "So, are you hanging out with him soon or is it just when you see him at the office?"
"You seriously think I would invite him somewhere? Harry, please. I barely want to go anywhere when I'm the one being invited and it's not work related," I laughed.
"Well, I think you should try texting him or something... see if he wants to get lunch one day? Even if he just meets you at the office and you order something there."
"Why are you so persistent?"
"I want you to be happy."
"So, for me to be happy, I need to have friends?"
He sighed. "Renleigh."
"I asked you a question."
"It's not like you answer mine when I ask you, is it?" he asked. I rolled my eyes and turned back on my side. He was such a little bitch. I heard him let out another sigh before the sound of the glass being placed on the table took over. "I want you to have friends because everyone needs someone. It doesn't mean that you'll be happy for the rest of your life and it's not what I'm saying. I just think that having someone that you can share your happiest and saddest moments with is a good thing."
"Isn't that why I have you in my life?" I mumbled as I kept my eyes on the telly, although whatever they said in the movie didn't quite make it to my brain.
"I- I don't think I'm enough," he said just as quietly. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion and that sentence made me turn and then sit up so I was much closer to him. His gaze was fixated on his feet that were folded under each other; his knees bent.
"Come again?"
"I don't think I'm enough, Ren," he sighed as he slowly glanced up at me. The words left an unsettling feeling in my chest and I just wanted to get rid of it before it made me sadder.
"Well shit," I muttered. "I only just agreed to this... whatever this is and you're already going balls deep into it, eh?"
"I've been feeling like this for a while now," he told me. "I don't know when it started for sure. I just know that sometimes, when I say something and tell you how I feel... it just doesn't get to you or something. You might not be getting it? I don't know."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked. "Not getting what?"
"Me."
"You?"
"Yes," he said. "I don't think you get me."
"Well..."
"I'm sorry, I just... I don't know where that came from," he apologised which made me even more confused.
"Um... well. This is just lovely, isn't it?" I chuckled in disbelief. "Over three hours into me being a girlfriend and I'm already awarded as the worst one. Go me, woo!"
"That's not what I meant, baby..."
"I'll get some more wine," I said as I got up from the couch and brushed the blanket off of my lap. I needed to get away from him because I felt embarrassed and upset.
Yes. Me. Feeling those things. It really dawned upon me that I liked Harry and when he said he didn't feel like he was enough for me – however he meant that – it just didn't sit well with me. And sure, walking off was probably not the best way to deal with the situation but I just couldn't stay there with him. The air felt tense and uncomfortable; I wasn't sure how to reply.
"Renleigh, please, listen to me."
"I am," I replied as I took a bottle of wine out of the cabinet.
"You're not."
"Then I guess I'm not," I shot a fake smile his way then walked past him. He wrapped his fingers around my wrist as he kept me in my place. I let out an unhappy sigh because I knew what was coming my way – one of those serious talks. He just loved those, didn't he?
"I don't want us to argue, that's not why I said what I said."
"Okay. I'm not arguing, am I?" I asked back. He opened his mouth to say something then closed it again because I was right. "I know you must think I don't care and stuff because I'm not very vocal. I'm not very good at communication, in case you didn't clock on yet. I mean sure, I can bitch about the past and other people but like current stuff... like us... well, I guess that's hard because- because it just is. I can't explain it because I simply can't."
"I get it."
"See, I don't think you do," I shook my head. "You kind of expect me to just lay it all out on the table and like I wish I could but I'm just not able to. I was never one to talk about how I feel, that's just how I grew up and it's sort of hard when I have to change that about myself from one day to another. I never really spoke about... deep stuff with Wolf. Ever. I never had proper friends who listened and wanted to know all of my dark and shitty thoughts. My family never sat me down and asked me how I truly felt and they never pressured me in a way that would have made me feel like they were there for me and I could trust them and be vulnerable. I'm used to keeping it all to myself because no one cares, anyway. Not to mention again that I just cannot express myself with words."
"Darling-,"
"Let me just vent because I will talk over you otherwise," I told him as I set the wine bottle down. "So, I know you didn't have the best family around you either, but you still had someone who took care of you and wanted to know about your day and stuff. You still had somewhat of a healthy relationship with emotions and people and talking about them and everything. At least, I think so anyway because you are so free when it comes to how you feel and I'm so fucking jealous. Like, I'm unable to do something so normal and so easy and it makes me feel like shit because-," I had to stop as I turned away from him.
My eyes teared up a bit and I had to look up at the ceiling as I brought the sleeve of my shirt to my eyes and wiped away the droplets. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes as I clamed myself down a bit. I cleared my throat then looked back at him. He was just there, with furrowed eyebrows and eyes filled with worry.
Another deep breath and I was back to my rant.
"It makes me feel like shit because I can never tell my parents I love them in a way that I want to. Like, sure. I do blurt out 'love you' and stuff but it's very rushed and not like... I don't know. Not-not honest. But it's not as emotion filled as I'd like it to be," I tried to explain. But like I had told him, I failed. "And if that's not bad enough on its own, it's very hard for me to even come to terms with the fact that I like someone and that it is OK for me to like them and that not everyone is out to get me. I constantly overthink everything and I just don't want to let myself believe that you will stay and I can make you or whoever happy or that you or whoever else can make me happy and love me. And also, this is not because I had a shit childhood... it was alright. But talking about how we feel wasn't like, our main thing, I guess."
"Gosh, Renleigh, I'm-,"
"I'm still not done," I smiled slightly and he nodded a bit to allow me to carry on. "I'm also aware of the fact, at least I'm beginning to understand, that if I keep up this bitch behaviour that's what will drive you away. So, however I look at it, I come out of this badly and I'm just not prepared to lick my wounds and brush up the pieces of my broken heart because I don't have the time. Kensington and Co will not run itself and will not succeed on its own," I said as I ended my little rant of the evening. "You can talk now."
"Are you sure everything is out?"
"For now."
"Okay," he nodded. I watched him lick his lips and then look at me in the eye. "First of all, I want to give you a hug but I know you hate when people pity you."
"Yes. Let's move on."
"You were right when you said I don't get you. At least, not this part of you. You were also right saying I had a healthy upbringing when it comes to talking about emotions and opening up to people in general. What you were not right about is me leaving you because you keep shutting me out," I looked at him with a confused facial expression because it made no sense. Every sane person would have been out of my life by now simply because I'm unable to function like them. "I have known from the start that there was something that happened to you that made you act a certain way. With that in mind, I knew we would have many obstacles to move from our way."
"Well, you kind of left at Christmas."
"I know. And we have been over this once," he said strongly. "I left because I didn't feel like you would want to see me after what I said and because I couldn't look at you after I was so fucking mean to you. It was in my plans to see you after a while, though. I certainly didn't want to leave things ugly between us."
"Right."
"It will not happen again. I promised myself I would do anything to make sure you are happy. That's a promise I intend to keep."
"Yet you said you don't think you're enough," I brought the sentence back up.
"Well, I don't think I'm wrong. I don't think I'm alone enough to get you out of the headspace you've lived in your whole life," he said. "I need you to cooperate. I need you to let me inside of your head by talking to me about what's going on with you. But I'm aware that it is not so easy for you. So perhaps if you had someone else, like a friend for example, who you can hang out with and just be yourself, then that could definitely help."
"Maybe," I sighed. I pursed my lips and looked down at my hand that rested on the kitchen island and clicked my nails against the hard furniture. "I hate not being able to talk to you."
"I'm sorry I was so hard on you all this time. Like, I knew you had trouble opening up and yet I kept pressing you to talk to me because I thought you were just playing hard to get."
"It's what you would expect from the normal person so I get it. I- I have been told I need to go see a therapist and shit but I never actually did. I just took offence of it because I felt like I was being attacked. Which is how I often feel even if that's not the intention of the other person or people."
"You keep throwing around the words 'normal people' as if you are not one of them. Renleigh, you are," he said seriously as he looked straight into my eyes. He was so good at talking. For a minute, I genuinely believed him. "You are a normal person. There is nothing wrong with you, okay? And anyone who made you feel like shit for not being able to easily open up to others, should go and fuck themselves."
"Yeah, well, that's something I agree with you on," I chuckled.
"God, there are so many wankers in this world... I mean, I just hate knowing that you and my brother both have to deal with people who give you shit for literally breathing."
"Your brother gets shit for what?" I asked curiously. "He's one of the loveliest people I know."
"Yeah, well, he is. But his so-called friends see him more as a... piggy bank, I think I should say. They expect him to pay for meals and other things when they're out just because our parents are wealthy and sometimes, they even bring me into their little explanations. I mean, I don't know if they do but I'm just guessing," he sighed as he started to get worked up. It was clear in his voice. "And then I haven't even mentioned the homophobic idiots that comment on him liking girls and boys like literally who the fuck cares? Who in their right minds care about who someone else likes? What difference does it make to them? Literally fucking none."
"Hey," I put my hand on his shoulder so that the physical contact could get him out of his head. Like I said, he worked himself up over the mere thought of these people. "I agree with you. It's none of their concern and it shouldn't matter to anyone. There are definitely people in this world who are really closed minded when it comes to certain topics. But we have to realise that we have come a long-long way since the start. I- I don't feel like I have the right to speak on the behalf of the LGBTQ+ community but I do believe that people are more accepting these days and that is so important. Not that homosexuality is something that people should have to consider accepting but just fucking accept because I personally believe that it shouldn't matter to others whether you love a woman or a man and they shouldn't get a different treatment from those who are heterosexual."
"It bothers me so much that my brother is facing these issues."
"I had no idea your brother was in this situation but I'm not the happiest about it, either, now that I've learnt about it," I shook my head. It actually really bothered me. "My parents... god, they're amazing. They faced so much shit for being two gay men in love but nothing can get to them. They are so sure of themselves and in love and not arsed that it's actually so inspiring to me. They are unapologetically themselves and I hope that your brother and even yourself will be able to feel that way and live that way."
"I-I feel like I'm OK with who I am, you know?" he said so much more calmly. "I have always been open with myself and I never really felt like I belonged in a certain box or anything and that- that made me feel special. My nanny always used to tell me I was special and she always knew I was. So, I don't think I was really bothered about other people's opinions."
"That's so good," I smiled at him. "I'm really happy for you."
"Yeah... I just don't think my brother is there yet."
"I think it's kind of your job to make sure he gets there... you've been through what he's going through and sometimes, no matter how highly unlikely it may seem, just a hug or a couple of nice words are enough to make someone feel better about themselves or a certain situation. I mean I would know because you are always there for me... and I guess that's nice. And you know what to say which is even nicer... so yeah."
"Aw, baby," he grinned at me as he brought his arms around me by my neck and pulled me in a hug. I chuckled as I wrapped my arms around his middle and pressed my ear against his chest. "I care about you. So much," he told me as he pulled back and placed his hands on my neck. His thumbs traced my jawline before he dragged them down to my chin until the tips of his fingers touched and back to their original spots. "You make me feel things I thought were not possible and I don't ever want to stop feeling them."
"Wow," I smirked. "That was deep."
"Yeah, you said that once or twice," he winked at me and I opened my mouth in shock. He was so annoying. But also, totally me. "Eh, see?" he grinned. "I can talk like you."
"You didn't know this but I used to be so fucking shy. Like, I would go red if I heard someone swear or say dick or pussy or something," I told him as if he wanted to know and as soon as the words were out in the open, I wanted to cut my own head off. I genuinely didn't know when to shut the fuck up and it was becoming a massive problem.
"Oh, yeah?" he grinned. "Well, look at you now... all comfortable and shit, huh?"
"I guess," I nodded. "So, wine?"
He laughed as he rolled his eyes at me and grabbed the bottle from the kitchen island after he let go of me. I felt weird without his touch on me and his cologne all up in my nose. The thought of cuddling up to him on the couch again made me smile and hurry back to our original place but I never actually said a word of what went through my mind.
Although, I knew he would have loved to know about it because cuddling is couple-y shit, right?
• • •
a.n.
so i have entered the wattys with this fic as it was eligible and i just wanted to see if i'd have a chance at all! i think they're announcing the winners and stuff at the end of september so we've got a long ass while to go!
about this chapter,, i was excited to post it because it really went into renleigh as a character and her mind and thought process and i feel like it was very much needed. sometimes, i'm not sure if i explain things in enough detail when it comes to her but i think that this chapter did its job. hopefully it is now clear that her inability to be open about how she feels goes deeper than just playing hard to get. the things she talked about before and the stuff mentioned in this chapter obviously did a number on her and considering she never actually dealt with anything that happened to her, it's kind of biting her in the ass now. and of course it affects harry as well. it must be tough for him to try to understand where she's coming from as he has no experience of what happened to her but his determination to work her out and help her obviously shows him some parts of it.
ok fuck i need to stop rambling but i'm just so invested in these characters and sometimes i feel like i need to explain them kind of out of the story
but anyways don't forget to vote and comment if you got to this part of my rambles xoxo