Jessi
It was the night I'd been dreading, the night of the AMA's and Harry and I were sharing a car with Lori and Niall. We figured people would be less likely to talk if we arrived together. I was feeling pretty anxious. Not just about the crowds and the paparazzi but this would be the first time, since that dumb club, where Harry and I had to be a secret. All those feelings of wanting the world to know I was his had come bubbling to the surface again.
"You okay, baby?" Harry smiled. He looked A-MA-ZING! He had on a black and white floral Gucci suit, his long curly hair framing his face perfectly. Looking at him was like looking at my own personal piece of heaven except he wasn't mine, not for the next few hours anyway. But Harry wanted it this way and truthfully I liked having our privacy too, I just didn't enjoy watching from the sidelines while Harry worked the room or the party. I didn't enjoy watching pretty women flirt with him or men for that matter. I didn't like not being able to touch him, to be near him. He was my comfort in a room full of people and like a sulking child I was anxious without it and it made me pouty.
"No, I'm scared. There will be crowds of people everywhere. Why did I let you talk me into this?" I frowned.
"Because you love me and because I agreed to your little Marcel kink." He chuckled. I fidgeted with the hem of my dress. "Jess, don't worry, you'll be okay. I promise. There'll be barriers, nobody can get to you." Harry squeezed my hand tight. Easy for him to say, he wouldn't even be anywhere near me. "Jessi, stop that!" Harry grabbed my free hand which had been clawing at my other arm, I hadn't even noticed I was doing it.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled.
"I didn't realise you'd be so freaked out, do you want me to take you home?" Harry brushed my hair back from my face.
"You can't leave, Harry." Niall said.
"Like hell I can't. Jessi's more important!" Harry snapped.
"Stop! I'll be okay. Niall's right. You can't leave. You promise Matt will take me and Lori straight to the entrance to wait for you guys?" I replied.
"I promise. Matt and Lori will be right beside you all the time." Harry smiled. "Here." He pulled up the sleeve of his jacket and pulled a black hair elastic from his wrist and slid it over mine. "You know about the wristband technique, yeah? Whenever you're feeling anxious, you snap the band." He pinged the elastic against my wrist.
"You'll be okay, Jessi. Just breathe." I gasped as the mantra fell from my lips in response to the sensation. I hadn't needed my wristband for a long time and my eyes snapped to Harry, why did he know about the technique?
"You'll be fine, Jess. Honest." Lori added.
"We're here." Matt yelled from the front seat.
Before I could panic all over again, Harry kissed me. My worries disappearing until he let me go.
"I'll see you real soon, Baby." He promised, his fingers brushing over the band securely wrapped around my wrist. Someone pulled the car door open, and it sounded like all hell broke loose. People were screaming Harry and Niall's name. Cameras were flashing everywhere. Niall climbed out first, followed by Harry. They met up with Liam and Louis who'd been waiting for them and once they had walked away from the car a little Matt instructed me and Lori to get out.
"Come on, you'll be fine." Lori was so excited. She held my hand as we climbed outside and as soon as we did I heard more screaming. My eyes caught Harry's, and he smiled at me "You'll be okay." He mouthed, and I smiled back at him, vowing to find out what he was anxious about.
I held Lori's hand tight as we followed Matt along the carpet, ignoring the people yelling at us. Some of Niall's fans yelled Lori's name and I could tell she wanted to stop and talk to them so I took a deep breath and pulled her to a stop.
"Are you sure? We can keep going." She said.
"I'm sure. I know you hate disappointing them." I stood with Matt as she chatted to the girls who had yelled her name.
I let out a shriek as she suddenly pulled me towards her.
"Hi Jessi!" The girls waved.
"Hi!" I smiled, nervously. Snapping the band against my skin once. "I like your t-shirts." They each had a heart with a picture of the guys on it.
"Thank you. You look really pretty." One girl smiled.
"Thanks. This one works miracles with hair and makeup." I nudged Lori, and the girls giggled.
"Can we see your Harry tattoo?" Another girl asked. I held out my hand with the cross that matched Harry's and couldn't stop myself from smiling. It always made me smile.
"Come on girls, we should get you moving." Matt said from behind us.
"Could we get a picture before you go?" One girl asked.
"Sure, bunch up." Lori smiled, taking the phone from the same girl. She tried to fit everyone in but taking photos wasn't her strong point. I took the phone from her and quickly took a photo of all of us.
"Thank you." The girl smiled as I handed her phone back.
"Will you post a photo of Harry in his suit?" Another girl asked.
"With Niall in his glasses?" The other girl added.
"She will." Lori smiled before Matt guided us back towards the entrance. I looked around to see if I could see Harry, him and the guys were being interviewed by a woman with blonde hair. He flipped his hair and I couldn't stop smiling. He gave me butterflies when he did that. He was so handsome.
"Look! Ariana Grande! Hi Ari!" Lori yelled.
"Okay, calm down!" I smirked as we waited by the entrance for the guys. I had somehow ended up with a glass of Champagne, not that I was complaining it was helping to calm my nerves.
"I can't. I'm too excited! Are you having fun yet?" Lori smiled.
"It's okay in here. Like a party where everyone is cool but you." I giggled.
"Hey, we are cool." She giggled.
-----
We'd been waiting for about forty minutes when I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist, I recognised Harry's floral suit as he kissed the back of my neck.
"You shouldn't be doing that." I snapped at him but I hadn't meant to so I smiled when I spun around to face him.
"I know but you look so good in that dress I couldn't help myself." He smiled. I was wearing a blue lace Rebecca Vallance dress.
"Not as good as you look in that suit." It was true. I knew he'd look hot as fuck in it as soon as I saw it.
"I'm glad you like it but we have to go and get changed now."
"Changed? Why?" I sighed, holding onto his jacket.
"For our performance." He grinned. "I think you'll like that outfit too."
"Come on Jess, let's go find our seats!" Lori smiled, grabbing my hand and I sighed as Harry's jacket slipped from my fingers.
"Wait!" I yelled and Harry turned to see what the panic was about. "Stand there! Next to Niall!" I bullied him to where the light was best and took several photos of him and Niall. I waved goodbye to Harry, and he blew me a kiss while nobody was watching.
Lori pulled me along behind her, letting out little yelps when she saw somebody she liked. I couldn't help but giggle at her. We were sat with Lottie and a few other people I didn't know.
"Hi Girls." Lottie smirked, handing us both another glass of Champagne.
"Hi Lottie!" We both smiled as we sat down. I busied myself with posting the photos I'd taken and found myself hoping the girls liked them.
"Lorena, that colour looks great on you." Lottie smiled. She was right, Lori had on a magenta dress and she looked amazing.
"Thanks, Lottie. You look great too."
"Yeah Lottie, you look pretty." She had on a blush pink skirt with matching crop top. Clearly I'd missed the pink memo, I chuckled to myself.
"And you can just shut up! Miss 'I work out every day', you look fucking hot in that dress." She playfully pushed my shoulder.
"But working out is fun when you get to do it with Harry." I smirked and then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening.
"Why haven't you two made things public yet? It's obvious you guys love each other." Lottie said.
"We're happy." I shrugged. Lori and Lottie took over the conversation, they were discussing makeup. I looked around at all the people here. I enjoyed watching the couples, seeing people in love made me happy. I almost squealed out loud as I spotted Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, they were ultimate couple goals. She is hilarious. My attention was brought back to the stage as I recognised Jeremy Renner's voice.
"Holy Shit! That's Hawkeye!" I nudged Lori who just looked at me blankly. The same stare I gave her when she'd introduced me to a beauty blender. "Nevermind." I shook my head and then I really paid attention as he introduced the guys. Lori and Lottie cheered beside me and my eyes were glued to the stage. Harry was last to appear. He was right about me liking his outfit, he was all in black with a yellow flower necktie and then my eyes landed on his feet. His boots were spectacular! I loved them, they were all silver glitter. Harry winked as his eyes connected with mine and I felt my cheeks blush bright red.
I still loved watching him perform. It was like watching fire, completely mesmerizing with just a hint of danger. "They look so good!" Lori yelled in my ear.
"Hmm... yeah." I replied, suddenly remembering Harry wasn't the only person on stage.
"Niall looks good in pink, huh?" She yelled.
"Yeah... uh what?" My eyes darted towards Niall and I heard Lori laugh beside me.
"The room could be on fire and you wouldn't even notice." She smirked. "You've got it bad..."
"Mmm..." I can't deny it as my eyes drift back to Harry and my breath sticks in my throat as I realise he's watching me too. "Baby, I'm perfect for you." He sang, leaving me grinning like a little schoolgirl. I'd never really understood the phrase head over heels in love until now, he could turn my entire world around with just one look. It didn't scare me anymore, I knew Harry wouldn't hurt me. He'd protect my heart with every fibre of his being and I'd do the same for him.
-----
"How long are you staying?" Lottie asked.
"Not long." Niall smiled, his arm securely holding Lori's waist. She placed a kiss to his cheek, and I was filled with jealousy as I glanced at the empty space beside me.
"How about you? You'll stay and have fun, won't you?" Lottie turned to me. Truth be told, I'd wanted to leave before we even got to the after party but I hadn't had a chance to talk to Harry about it before Matt had brought us all here.
"Not sure, depends on Harry." I scanned around me, looking for him but there was no sign of him. I wasn't sure where he'd went but I knew he was around somewhere, he'd been talking to somebody about a movie or something.
"It doesn't matter what Harry thinks, come on Jess! Drink this!" She handed me a shot glass, and I glanced at Lori and Niall, looking like the perfect definition of a happy couple and I downed the shot in one go, trying to drown the feeling of jealousy swirling inside like a tornado. I let out a yelp as I felt somebody squeeze my arse. I turned around to give them hell and saw Harry stalking away from me, casually shooting me a smirk. He was with James, Jules and if my eyes weren't deceiving me, Kendall Jenner. I turned back to the group, trying not to get annoyed, but he'd begged me to come to this award show and I was lucky if I'd seen him for about an hour total, even Louis had spent more time with Lottie. I could have happily stayed at home, oblivious to the tall, stunning brunette with her hand on his bicep.
"Dance with me!" Lottie yelled, grabbing mine and Lori's hands.
"Okay, one dance!" Lori smiled. I followed behind them, not really paying attention to what I was doing, there was only one thing on my mind and it was driving me crazy.
-----
Harry
I glanced over at Jessi. She was talking to Niall, Lori and Lottie. She'd been speaking with lots of people all night, easily charming every one of them. I'd overheard several people complimenting her, they had called her sweet, smart, charming, kind and beautiful. And I couldn't argue. She was all of those things and more. I watched as she rubbed the side of her wrist, not snapping the band though. I wished I could calm her. I wished I could walk up to her right now and wrap my arms around her, run my hand through her hair, just the right way so she'd relax.
"Why don't you go talk to her?" Somebody nudged my side, and I realised it was Matthew. He was a friend of James'.
"Yeah, why don't you go talk to her, Harry?" James teased. He knew we were dating, knew we were trying to keep it quiet.
"Can't." I muttered, the breath catching in my throat as she subtly stretched her back, the way it curved was perfection. I doubted I'd seen anything as beautiful and deliciously sinful as the arch of her back, maybe that arse of hers?
"Why not?" Matthew persisted.
"Yeah, why Harry?" James smirked, I gave him a death stare.
"Oh look, there's Jules!" Matthew smiled, and we all headed in her direction, that was fine with me. That would take me right past Jessi. She looked so pretty, her eyes were all scrunched up from the shot she'd just downed. I made a mental note to send her over a drink. Before I could stop myself I grabbed her arse on the way past. Not a little pinch but a proper needy handful. I smirked as I saw the look of anger on her face which turned to surprise when she noticed it was me but she didn't smile at me so I poked my tongue out at her. She simply turned her head back to the group she was with. I didn't like that, was she upset with me? I hadn't seen her much, but that was because being around her and not being able to hold her was torture. I tried just being friendly but every time my skin brushed hers I craved more and more until I had to snap myself out of my haze before I crashed my lips onto hers, right in front of everyone. I wished she'd look at me, give me some sign how she was feeling.
"Fucking hell H, if you stare at her any longer I swear I will call the police for her. You look like a total creep!" Matthew chuckled.
"I - sorry. Go on, I'm listening." I sighed, forcing my eyes away from her. And I was surprised to see Kendall, where had she came from?
"Hi, Harry!" She smiled and placed her hand on my arm.
"Hey, Kendall!" I smiled politely. Everyone got lost in conversation again but I wasn't paying attention. I was trying but all I could think about was Jessi, how I wanted to hold her, how I wanted her attention. No, I needed her attention.
"Ready to leave?" I typed at lightening speed once I'd pulled out my phone.
"If you are?" Her response came reasonably quickly, but I didn't like that she'd threw the question back at me. If I was honest, I'd wanted to leave hours ago, in fact I'd have much preferred to have stayed home with her tonight. I didn't want to drag her away if she was having fun though, after all I had selfishly begged her to come here. I wanted her here just because I enjoyed having her close, I needed her because she helped me stay grounded. Seeing her eyes killed my nerves and made me feel like I was invincible.
"Are Niall and Lori ready to go or do we need to leave via the backdoor?" I wrote back, quickly.
"Niall and Lor are ready but I'd rather leave out back. Please?" I could imagine the scared look on her face. The paps out front when we came in were particularly intrusive, I had to swat away a camera that almost smacked Jess in the face and the little whimper she let out as they crowded around her honestly hurt my heart.
"OK. I'll call Mark. Meet you there in 5?" I sent Mark a message as soon as I'd finished typing.
"5" was all she said. No smileys, hearts or kisses. Now I was worried. She always ended our conversation with kisses or hearts. Always.
"Listen guys, I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna head. I'll call you guys soon, yeah?" I blurted out before rushing to the back exit to wait for Jess. Anxiety knotting my stomach.
"Already outside." Mark answered and then I almost ran into Jessi.
"Hey you!" I smiled. "Mark's already here. You ready?" I held out my hand for her. She nodded as a response but didn't take my hand.
"We better not, just in case there are people out here." Her voice sounded cold but maybe I was just imagining it. I decided to take her hand anyway and headed outside and before I knew it we were safely in the car. Jessi's hand tightening in mine.
"You okay?" I held my breath as I waited for her answer. She nodded, her head flopping against my arm. The skin on my arm warming from the contact. I'd missed her.
"Did you have a good time?" I asked as she wriggled closer.
"Hmm..." She pondered her answer. "I enjoyed watching you perform and collecting your awards but I've missed you. I only wanted to be with you."
"I missed you too. Everyone noticed I couldn't take my eyes off you." I held her tighter, trying to make up for lost time and just when I'd started to relax I heard the hair elastic snap against her wrist. "Jessi?" I exclaimed as her small fingers ran along the elastic, ready to snap it again. My fingers wrapped around hers, holding it in place, "Baby, what's got you feeling anxious in here? It's just me. Just us." I cupped her cheek with my free hand but she wouldn't look at me, her eyes stubbornly refusing to lock with mine.
"I don't think I want to go to another award show, Harry. Or premiere's or anything like that." She sighed.
"Why, Baby? Matt took you straight inside. You and Lori had fun, you were dancing. So what's up?" I didn't understand what had upset her, she had looked like she was having fun.
"How would you know?"
"What?"
"How would you know if I had fun? I never saw you. You didn't even care I was there!"
"Hey! What the fuck, Jess? Why would you say that?" I stared at her in disbelief. She couldn't seriously believe that.
"Just leave it, Harry. I don't want to go to another one, okay?" She groaned, pulling away from me and leaning her head against the window.
"No, tell me why Jess? And why would you say I don't care?" I tried to pull her back towards me but she kept shrugging me off.
"I hated it, alright? It was shit, and you didn't seem to care how I felt when Kendall had her hands all over you!" She snapped.
"Aww Baby, were you jealous?" I smirked. Now her mood made sense.
"Don't 'aww, baby' me! I'm not a child. And of course I was jealous, she's stunning, and she was the one stood beside you while you talked to your friends, she got to laugh at your jokes, she got to touch you and hug you. And then there was me, stood on my own, stuck between watching you, off having fun without me or my best friend who had everything I wanted, her boyfriend stood by her side, happy to just be with her. So don't mock me Harry and don't tell me I had a good time because I can assure you I did not!" She yelled, and I blinked rapidly, trying to take in everything she said.
"I'm not interested in Kendall, I wouldn't cheat on you and I didn't leave you on your own." I snapped at her. I tried to make sure she had a good time, she was with her friends. I couldn't think of anything I could've done to make it better.
"Forget it, you're not listening to me." She said, dismissing me with a wave of her hand.
"Why are you acting so crazy?" I shook my head at her as we pulled up to the house.
"Crazy?!" She shreiked, sounding exactly like somebody who was unhinged. She flung open the car door and scrambled out. "I didn't know it was crazy to expect your boyfriend to pay you some god damn attention!" She was unlocking the door before I'd even got out of the car.
I ran up the steps and entered through the door she'd left wide open, slamming it closed behind me as she finished punching in the alarm code. "Well, Jess? You have my fucking attention! Now what?"
"Just leave me alone!" She listlessly threw her keys on the table beside the door and headed for the stairs. I lunged towards her and wrapped my fingers around her wrist, spinning her back to face me.
"Do you want me not to talk to any other girls is that it?" I snapped at her. I thought she trusted me. She should trust me, I'd done nothing to give her a reason not to trust me.
"Stop being ridiculous!" She scoffed and wrestled her wrist from my grasp.
"Me being ridiculous? I'm not the one completely freaking out because I said hello to another woman. You should trust me!" I yelled as she marched up the stairs.
"See? You're still not hearing what I'm saying, you're too busy trying to project your own insecurities on to me. I do trust you, Harry and if you can't see that, then that's not on me." She said with an eery calmness before she climbed the rest of the stairs. I stood there dumbstruck for a few moments, was I just projecting my own shit on to her?
"No, wait! You said you were jealous of Kendall! You said that, Jess!" I climbed the stairs after her and followed her into the bedroom.
"You're right. I did say that but tell me when I said I was jealous because I think you like her?" She quirked her eyebrow at me while she got undressed. I tried to remember exactly what she said but I couldn't. To be honest, I hadn't paid too much attention after she said she was jealous, she wouldn't be the first girlfriend to accuse me of cheating.
"I don't know." I shrugged. I didn't understand what was happening, we were both just calmly getting ready for bed, no yelling. Were we even arguing anymore? But I figured we were since I didn't feel like she'd welcome me in her space. She turned her body towards her side of the bed and seemed to have some internal debate about whether to get in. "Jess? What's going on?"
"Just forget about it, Harry. Let's go to bed, yeah?" Jess begged and as much as I wanted to just climb into bed with her and pretend everything was fine, I also needed her to tell me what was going on, why wouldn't she talk to me?
"Jess?" I moved slowly towards her, my bare feet moving silently across the carpet as I held my breath, scared she'd push me away. "Talk to me." I reached my hand out to hold hers and breathed a sigh of relief when she linked her fingers with mine.
"I'm fine. Let's just go to bed." She rested her forehead against my chest, the fingers of her free hand brushing over my butterfly.
"Baby, come on, you're not fine. Tell me what's wrong and we can fix it?" I hugged her tight.
"It's alright. We don't want the same thing, it's fine. I'll get over it!" She said and her words had me rooted to the spot, my arms hugging her tight as she tried to wriggle free. What the fuck did she mean?
"What exactly are you saying Jess?" I snapped, more out of fear than anger.
"I DON'T WANT TO BE A FUCKING SECRET ANYMORE!" She pushed hard against my chest as she screamed the words at me. My arms fell from her body and all I could do was stare at her as she stood looking like a ball of rage, her fists clenched and her chest heaving. My eyes locked with hers and contrary to the rest of her body they were soft, exposed and defenseless. I wanted to pull her close to me, to tell her everything would be fine, but I needed to know exactly what she expected from me. I didn't have a lot of privacy in my life but my love life had always been something I'd fought to keep fiercely private, just for me and the thought of opening it up to the world terrified me. But if the alternative would make the woman, I love miserable or worse than that if it meant the woman, I love would leave me, then there really was only one option.
Jess hadn't moved, except to hug her arms protectively around her body, her eyes were glassy and when I saw a tear escape and slowly run down her cheek, I reached out my palm, cupping her soft skin in my hand as my thumb brushed the warm liquid away. "Don't cry, Baby. I'll get Jeffrey to write a statement, yeah? And we can discuss when would be best to release it." My heart thumped in my chest, I had no idea how to go about this, I'd never done it before but I was pulled from my thoughts by Jessi furiously shaking her head.
"That's not - I don't want that!" She said quietly and for a moment I considered the possibility that this was some sort of dream because nothing made sense, every time I thought I had it sussed out the ground shifted beneath me and everything was up in the air again.
"Jessi, Love? I don't understand -"
"I know. I'm sorry. I fucked this up so badly. I just - I don't know - I was so sure you were going to say no and I was scared. I'm still scared to be honest. I don't really want to let people into our little bubble because it's perfect, and it's safe and it's ours." Jess stepped towards me, her hands grasping at my waist. "But sometimes I need you more than I crave privacy. I need to know that it's okay for me to stand beside you because being close to you makes me feel calm. I need to know that it's okay for me to slide my hand into yours because I feel overwhelmed and you make me feel grounded. And I need to know that it's okay for me to hold you when I feel lost because you are home, plus sometimes I just need a hug." She giggled softly. "That's all I want, Harry. I don't need or want Social Media declarations. I just want to be free to love you whenever I want and people can make of that what they will, I don't really care."
"What about kissing?" I smiled as my heart raced at the realisation that what she was asking for was completely doable.
"I think kissing should depend on the situation." She grinned. "I mean, say we're alone, in our bedroom-" She looked around for dramatic effect, "then it should be fine."
"But not so much in the middle of a paparazzi scrum?" I backed her up towards the bed when she took me by surprise and tried to flip us around but we both lost our balance and ended up banging our heads together as we tumbled onto the bed.
"Ow!" She giggled as she rubbed her head, my eyes falling closed as my own laughter overtook me, only to shoot open again seconds later when I felt her tongue poke my cheek.
"What are you doing?" I chuckled.
"Licking your dimple." She giggled, falling back into the bed. "Been dying to do that for ages."
"Okay... you're a strange one, Miss Monroe." I smirked as I began exploring every inch of her body, excited by the prospect of never having to spend another party separated from her again.