Sometimes I get so frustrated
I've tried a million times to say it
It's so much easier to fake it
So trust me don't get any closer
These walls are super high
So don't even try to get any closer
I'm scared you're gonna find
All the things I've been hiding from you
-Don't get any closer
-Bebe Rexha
•••••
Life seemed so perfect.
Brandon had come back to school, but this time his gang wasn't around to terrorise my friends. Violet and I had countless girls' nights, Kyle was still camping but was coming back in a week, Cameron had started to slowly warm up to me and say more than just a few words a day (it was progress) and Noah was...well Noah.
Ryder had never questioned me about my past, or anything Brandon had said that day. He never pushed me to tell him about all the things I've been keeping from him, and never shut down on me whenever I had asked him about his personal life.
His mood however did switch whenever I brought up his parents, but he never snapped at me like he used to. Ryder hasn't spoken to them since the day he started living with me. They phoned him once in a while, but he ignored their calls.
"Ryder, you take your parents for granted. Don't you think you should at least answer their calls?" I asked him one day.
Ryder sighed and turned away from me.
"Carter, how many times do I have to say it? I don't care about them, or anything they do."
"You know that's not true-"
"If they really need me, they'll find me," Ryder cut me off, and got up from the couch signalling the end of our conversation as well as our movie night.
"Your parents care about you Ryder. They wouldn't keep calling if they didn't," I said softly, getting up and following him.
Can't take a hint much can you Riley?
Ryder scoffed, "Yes, because a couple calls proves just how much they're worried about me."
I rolled my eyes at his sarcastic tone.
Sometimes Ryder can be a really oblivious pain in the ass. Most people don't know how to show they care, I know for a fact Ryder struggles with proving he cares about a person. Maybe his parents do too.
I knew it wasn't my business nor was it my place to tell him that he should try to patch things up with his parents, but I couldn't help but feel like he would regret not trying at least.
"At least they're trying," I mumbled.
Ryder turned to me with a frown on his face, "Look Carter, I'm not in the mood to argue with you. Just drop it, please."
After that day I never brought up the subject of his parents again. It wasn't fair of me to keep pushing him for answers when he never pushed me for them.
It was a slightly cloudy Tuesday in Grey's Town. Nothing could be heard over the sound of Dylan's tattoo machine, the tiny needles piercing into the twenty three year old man's arm. I vaguely recognized him from the warehouse, he was one of the people who collected money for bets.
I continued my sweeping and glanced down at the paper Dylan had placed on the small table near where the man was seated. The sketch was of a tiny fish with a stripe running down its side. Two bubbles were drawn near the mouth as if it was breathing.
What a weird tattoo.
I glanced up at the man, who wore an emotionless expression, as if this was an everyday thing. He didn't look like the type of guy who would want a tattoo of a fish on somewhere clearly visible.
He had spiky green hair and a day's worth of stubble. His nose piercing glinted in the light and his high cheekbones and defined jawline made him look younger than his age which I overheard him saying to Dylan when he had asked before he even considered doing a tattoo. His black leather jacket hung on the coat rack and his biker boots were polished to perfection.
I continued my sweeping and let my mind wander. I swept the whole studio and took a seat at Dylan's desk, taking out my homework due for the next day and starting on that. I reached into my pocket to pull out my phone and text Ryder to remember it was his turn to cook, until I felt my empty pockets.
Not again!
I furrowed my eyebrows and thought back to when I last saw my phone. I closed my eyes and remembered holding my phone in my hand when I got into Ryder's car so he could drive me to Inked after school.
Throughout the whole ride I commented on Ryder's horrible taste in music and Ryder had defended himself saying his music was the best.
"Oh come on! This beat is amazing, how could you not like this song?" Ryder asked me, turning the volume up.
I grimaced, "I can barely hear what he's saying."
Ryder rolled his eyes at my expression, "That's kind of the whole point of mumble rap!"
I scrunched up my nose and disconnected Ryder's phone from the car.
"Hey! Why did you do that?"
"You're kidding right? That song was horrible. My ears were practically crying out in pain," I said, shocked Ryder actually liked the song.
"Alright fine then. If my music is so bad, what type of music do you listen to?"
I thought about my answer for a second before replying.
"I listen to anything that sounds good to my ears. I don't have a specific genre," I answered honestly.
"What's the last song you've listened to?" Ryder asked.
I switched on my phone and went to my music. The bold letters blinked back at me and I blushed a deep crimson.
"Can't you ask me what's my favourite song instead?" I asked, quickly switching my phone off again and placing it on my seat.
Ryder grinned and shook his head smugly, "Nope, answer my question."
I groaned and leant my head against the leather seat.
"That's not fair! I've hardly listened to this song, I barely know the words to it," I helplessly tried to convince Ryder.
Ryder shook his head, that stupid grin plastered onto his face.
I practically jumped out of the car when just at that second Ryder pulled into the parking lot of Inked.
"See you at home Wilson!" I called smugly, just before shutting the door.
I faintly heard Ryder curse, but I was more than happy that I got away with my dignity still intact.
That's it!
I left my phone in Ryder's car in my hurry to get away from him.
I spun around in the swivel chair and faced the phone on the wall. I quickly dialled Ryder's number from memory and waited for him to answer.
No, I don't have Ryder's number memorised because I wanted to. He made me memorise it after Brandon had confronted us for the second time in the parking lot. The day he was testing how far Ryder would go to protect me. He made sure I knew it in case of an emergency and I didn't have my phone with me.
"Hello," Ryder's voice came from the other end of the line.
"Hey Ryder, it's Riley. I just wanted to say-"
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with listening to Baby by Justin Bieber," Ryder chucked.
I groaned and blushed a deep red.
"Shut up!" I said jokingly.
Ryder laughed louder, "Damn, I didn't know you were actually a Belieber-"
"Ryder stop," I said, clearly embarrassed enough.
Ryder's laughing continued.
"Wait, you went through my phone?" I said, my mood instantly shifting.
"No! Well, yes, but I swear I just went to see what was the song that was it," Ryder said truthfully.
"That's all you saw? Nothing else?" I asked sceptically.
There was a few seconds of silence before Ryder answered me.
"Well..." he trailed off.
"Ryder," I warned through clenched teeth.
"Literally before I could lock your phone, a message came through and I didn't open it...but I might have read what it said," he said guiltily.
I could practically picture him scratching the back of his neck.
"Seriously Ryder? What did it say?" I asked irritatedly.
Ryder let out a breath, "I don't think that's a conversation to have on the phone-"
"Ryder, you better tell me what it said or I swear-"
"Hold on, you'll be back in about ten minutes right? You can see it then. I swear I won't even touch your phone until you get home," Ryder said sincerely.
I sighed, "Well, can you at least tell me if it was serious?"
There was another silence on the other end.
"Well..."
"Oh no," I groaned, rubbing my hand across my forehead.
The first thing that came to my mind was Brandon. But I quickly shut down the thought when I remembered, Brandon wouldn't message me to tell me something. He would come talk to me in person, just so he could get his sick thrill out of seeing the fear flash in my eyes. Nothing he said was ever good.
"I didn't know what you wanted to eat so should I just make noodles, I hope that's okay?" Ryder asked, trying to change the topic.
"Yeah, noodles sounds great. I think I might of just lost my appetite though," I answered weakly.
Ryder let out a soft laugh, "See you in a few Carter."
"Bye Wilson."
I put the phone down just in time to see the guy get up from Dylan's chair, and Dylan start cleaning up his stuff.
"Done already?" I asked, leaning against Dylan's desk.
"Yeah, just hand Miles his jacket will you Riles? I need to go fetch some things from the back room," Dylan said, already heading in the direction to the storeroom.
I grabbed Miles's jacket from the rack and gave it to him with a small smile.
"Thank you," he said, his voice coming out light and softer than I thought it would be.
I nodded politely.
"I saw you looking at the sketch of my tattoo earlier," he said.
I looked up and met his lime green eyes a shade lighter than his hair, they looked too bright to be real so I was guessing contacts.
"Yeah, I was just wondering why you would get a tattoo of a fish," I said curiously.
"Did you expect me to get something like a skull? Or maybe a knife?" he asked sarcastically, with a small smile.
"No, not really," I said lamely, my eyes doing a quick sweep of his body.
Miles wasn't muscular, but he wasn't skinny either. Through his grey polo neck, I could clearly make out a firm chest and endless legs encased in his black denim jeans.
"My boyfriend died of a drug overdose last week. The last thing he said to me was if he could, he'd turn into a fish so he could either swim away from all his troubles or at least drown himself to escape them," Miles answered, his head tilted to the ground.
"Well, fish can't technically drown."
Way to go Riley.
I shut my mouth and watched as he stared at me with a shocked expression on his face, before it fell away and he let out a soft laugh.
"I guess not," he answered.
"I'm sorry for your loss Miles," I said sincerely.
Miles nodded and waved goodbye as he exited the store.
"Poor guy," Dylan muttered, exiting the store room.
"Were you eavesdropping?" I asked irritatedly.
Can't anyone get some privacy around here?
"No, these walls are just very thin," he said defensively.
I shook my head and laughed.
"Ready to go?" I asked, packing away my untouched homework into my bag.
"Ready," Dylan replied, grabbing his keys from his desk.
I followed him out to his Jeep and settled down into the cool leather seat, hugging my sweater tighter to my body.
Dylan turned the heater on as we rode in silence to my apartment. My mind went back to Ryder saying I received a message and from the sound of his silences, it wasn't good news.
Once we pulled up to my apartment I hugged Dylan goodbye and made my way inside the building. I took the stairs to give me time to clear my head from all the bad thoughts which seemed to have gathered in it.
I took a deep breath outside my apartment door, before opening the door and I was instantly hit with an overwhelming smell of burnt food.
"Oh my gosh Riley, thank goodness!" Ryder exclaimed, from somewhere in the kitchen.
He ran out wearing an apron which read, Daddy's the cook, waving a spatula around in the air.
Cringe.
"Firstly," I coughed, "What are you wearing? Secondly, what is that smell?"
Ryder gave me a sheepish grin and scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. He untied the apron from around his waist and threw it to the side while motioning for me to follow him into the kitchen.
I stepped into the kitchen and stared at the burnt shrivelled up slab of pastry lying on the counter. I tilted my head to the side, trying to make out what food it could be.
"What is that?" I asked.
"It's...lasagne," Ryder said quietly.
"Lasagne?" I questioned, staring between Ryder and the lasagne.
All I could see was burnt pastry.
"I wanted to try something other than noodles," he mumbled.
"How did that go for you?"
I chuckled at the burnt lasagne and watched as Ryder chucked it into the bin with red stained cheeks.
All traces of humour left my face as I left the kitchen in search for my phone. I found it lying on the couch table and slowly picked it up, as if it could bite me.
I noticed Ryder stand a few feet away from me, giving me my needed distance.
I switched my phone on and scrolled through the messages which had piled up on my home screen. There were texts from Violet and Noah, but one unfamiliar number number had also sent me a message.
Unknown:
Good evening
We would like to inform you due to the continuous struggling she has shown and our medication having no effect on her, Emilia Clarke has been moved to a new institution called Everton Winston as we believe she needs extra help which we cannot provide.
Regards
Allegroes Hospital for the Mentally Disturbed
I let out the breath I was holding and stared at my phone, reading the message over and over in my head, until I felt like I could repeat it from memory.
After all this time, this is the only indicator I get she's still alive.
I knew I could have visited her, but we had informed Allegroes Hospital I was leaving Wintersville, they could have at least sent me a message saying she was okay. Or if she made progress, or if she wanted to see me.
But instead I got nothing.
All those sleepless nights wondering if she ever wished we did things differently, or if she missed me. Did she regret what she did? Does she know about Brody and Danté?
My screen went blurry as tears brimmed in my eyes. A stabbing pain in my chest made my breathing halt and forced me to bite my lip to hold back the sob I wanted to let out.
I looked up as I heard Ryder take a few steps towards me, a worried look plastered on his face. I snapped out of my trance and blinked away my tears, releasing my lip from my teeth.
Ryder scanned my face and lifted a questioning brow, not saying anything.
I glanced back down at my phone and locked the screen, slipping the object into my pocket. I slipped past Ryder and into the kitchen. I shifted through the contents of our cupboards and reached for a box of microwaved popcorn.
"I don't know about you, but I'm starving," I said, mentally applauding myself for making my voice sound steady when I was crumbling inside.
I heard no answer from Ryder and set the timer on the microwave before placing the popcorn inside it. I dusted my hands and spun on my heel, my eyes landing on Ryder who was standing less than two feet away from me.
He studied me with hard eyes, his eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration. I shifted uncomfortably under the weight of his grey eyes, trying to avoid making eye contact.
"What?" I asked, finally looking up from my shoes.
Ryder said nothing and continued to stare at me. The sound of the microwave timer made me turn around and take out the popcorn, the smell of melted butter invading my senses.
"Who is Emilia Clarke?" Ryder asked, his deep voice breaking the silence.
I pretended like I didn't hear him, and busied myself with looking for a bowl to put my popcorn in. My heart thumped erratically in my chest, feeling as if it could break free and splatter onto the counter top.
"Riley, who is Emilia Clarke?" Ryder asked again, his voice coming out louder than the first time.
"No one," I answered quickly, turning around with my popcorn.
"Seriously? No one?" he asked frustratedly.
"Leave it Ry-"
"No, I will not leave it. I have never questioned you Riley. I haven't asked what's the real reason Brandon's chasing you, or how you met Dylan. I haven't asked you anything about your parents except where they are. Yet, I have answered every single question you've asked me without hesitation," Ryder said angrily.
"You have no right to ask me anything! I don't have to answer anything you want me to, because it's my past," I said just as angry as Ryder.
He let out a heartless laugh, "So in short, you don't trust me? I literally ask you one thing, one thing, and you can't even answer that."
I blew out a breath of frustration and watched as Ryder's fake smile fell from his face and his eyes fill with hurt.
"After all this time, after all I've done..." Ryder trailed off.
"I didn't know friendship came with a price Ryder," I said icily.
"It doesn't Riley, but I can't be the only person who's fully honest between the two of us. How is that friendship?"
I didn't answer him.
"Here I was thinking maybe you did trust me, maybe you just needed time. But it was all a lie. You only care about hiding your secrets and protecting yourself-"
"That's not true-"
"Bullshit!" Ryder exclaimed, startling me, "I have fought people for you, I've stood up for you, stuck with you through times you needed someone the most and cared for you even though I knew you weren't being honest with me and you can't even answer a simple question."
"I can't answer your question because it will lead to another, and another until you have my whole life story in front of you," I said, my voice cracking.
"What's so bad about that? What is so bad about your past that you don't want to tell me anything about you? What are you hiding from me?" Ryder asked, his voice dropping to a softer tone than what he was using.
I shook my head and didn't stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. I didn't want to hurt Ryder, I didn't want to lie to him. I didn't want to be that person. The only person I've opened up to was Dylan, I didn't know what Ryder would do once he found out everything about me.
I didn't know how he would take it, or if he'd ever forgive me for what I did.
After all, who would forgive a murderer?
Ryder shook his head.
"Brandon was right, I really don't know you."
My head lifted as those words left Ryder's lips.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
I left my popcorn on the counter and stepped past Ryder, making my way to the front door. Ryder's hand shot out and grabbed my arm, stopping me in my tracks.
"Where are you going?"
I shook his hand off, "I need to leave."
"Riley, wait!" Ryder called after me as I ran out the door and down the stairs.
I disappeared out of the front door of the apartment building and waved my hand at a taxi.
I got into the yellow car just in time to see Ryder run out of the building.
"Riley!" I faintly heard him yell.
I told the taxi driver the address and we sped off, leaving a very hurt Ryder staring at the car.
I silently cried in the back seat of the car as I remembered Ryder's broken expression as he saw me get into the car.
I was such an idiot.
The taxi driver drove on in silence, taking a few turns before coming to a stop outside of the warehouse.
I paid him the correct amount of money he needed and stepped out of the car, knowing I could at least stay here for the night.
I didn't want to worry Dylan by showing up with tear stained cheeks and having him hunt down Ryder.
I could already here the music from where I was standing and started to make my way over to the slanted door spilling light onto the sidewalk.
Call it a sixth sense, or maybe it was just a feeling which made me turn my head to the side of the building illuminated by a flickering street light.
Leaning against the building, a figure stood smoking a cigarette.
A very familiar figure.
"What a lovely surprise!" Brandon exclaimed, pushing off of the wall to slowly make his way towards me.
His black coat trailed behind him, making him look like he was floating.
I didn't wait for him to reach me and took a step into the warehouse, until a click made me turn around.
"Oh dear, did you forget I have more than just brains?" Brandon asked sweetly, a gun pointed in my direction.
"Quit the games, follow me if you value your pathetic life," Brandon said taking a step towards me.
I inhaled a shaky breath.
Did you expect him to be gone for good?
Just follow him and no one will get hurt.
I allowed Brandon to wrap his arm around my waist and pull me to his side, the cool metal in his hand pressing against the side of my head.
He dragged me with him as we walked to the side of the warehouse and came face to face with a black SUV.
I stopped in my tracks and swung me fist which wasn't in Brandon's grip, back into his jaw. He stumbled back and released his hold on me, letting out a groan.
"Now you've just made me angry," he said through clenched teeth.
I didn't waste any time and let the adrenaline in my veins carry me as I turned to run from my psychotic ex, but my victory was short lived.
I let out a scream as Brandon's hand wrapped around my hair and yanked me back to his side, pain searing all over my head sure to leave a headache.
He brought his gun to rest against my throat, the heavy metal cutting off the rest of my scream. I stilled in his grip and lost all hope of ever escaping Brandon this time.
Both our heads turned as the back door to the warehouse opened and out stepped a couple in their mid twenties.
Brandon quickly dragged me into the shadows so that we were hidden from their sight. I clenched my jaw once I felt his lips press against the shell of my ear, his warm breath tickling me.
"Maybe this will make you think twice about punching me," Brandon whispered, removing the gun from my throat and slowing bringing it to point at the couple.
I trembled in fear as his finger rested on the trigger.
"Please don't Brandon," I whispered, the blood in my body turning cold.
Brandon didn't answer me and instead waved his gun from side to side, deciding which person he wanted to shoot first.
I knew he wouldn't let me live after I did it, but I couldn't watch as he killed two innocent people.
"Hey! Get out of here, he'll kill-"
Bang!
My scream was cut short by the loud sound of Brandon's gun firing. I watched in horror as the bullet hit the lady, directly in the centre of her chest.
She fell to the ground and the man beside her watched in agony.
I let out a gasp and felt all the air leave my lungs as I watched the scene unfold in front of me.
Brandon dragged me out of the shadows, watching as the man knelt beside his wife and let out cries of help.
He looked up and shot a murderous glare towards Brandon.
"You killed her!" he yelled, his voice coming out angry and slightly fearful.
Brandon rolled his eyes, "If you don't quit screaming I'll kill you too. Gosh you people are so stupid. Who irritates a person holding a gun? Idiots."
I watched as Brandon scoffed at the poor man, more terrified than I've ever been in my life. He just shot an innocent person and is acting like it's an everyday thing.
Maybe for him.
The man cradled the woman's head in his hands, looking at Brandon with hate filled eyes.
"You'll regret this," I barely heard his threat from the lowness of his voice.
Brandon waved his gun in the air, "Yeah, yeah that's what they all say."
He laughed at his private joke and yanked me away from the wall I had plastered myself to and onto the pavement, less than a centimetre away from the road.
"Don't look at me like that! She was just another casualty," Brandon muttered, once he saw my accusing eyes on him.
"Just another casualty? She was a person Brandon! She had a life a-and a family," I said, my voice coming out shaky.
"You only have yourself to blame for that," he said bitterly.
I wriggled in his grip, trying to break free from his hold. I noticed the man was gone but the woman's body lay on the pavement, her eyes glassy and opened staring up at the starless night sky.
"Would you like me to break your arm for you?" Brandon asked, angrily yanking me back to his side.
"Leave me alone!" I yelled, still struggling.
Brandon opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by the growl of an engine. A pair of headlights blinded him as he lifted his hand to block his face from its glare.
I turned and felt my heart flutter at seeing the familiar car. I shook off Brandon's grip and ran into the the navy blue Skyline.
Ryder sat in the front seat, a hard glare directed at Brandon as he revved the engine and sped off. I clutched onto the side of the door as he swerved between lanes and broke the speed limit.
He came to a stop outside our apartment building and dragged me into the building, looking left and right before shutting the door. We ran up the stairs and stumbled into our apartment.
Ryder shut the door and I let out a sigh of relief once I heard the lock click. We leaned against the door, out of the breath.
I turned to face Ryder but he was already staring at me. As I stared into his stormy grey eyes, I realized just how much Ryder actually cared about me. He sacrificed his safety over and over, all just for me.
And what did I do?
I lied, over and over.
I didn't deserve him, but I knew exactly what he deserved.
Ryder pushed off the door and made his way to the couch. I followed him and watched as he collapsed onto it, I sat down beside him and rested my head onto his chest. Ryder's arm wrapped around my waist and rested onto my hip, letting me lean into him.
In that moment, I knew just how much I trusted Ryder and knew it was time for me to stop being scared of the 'what ifs' and give him everything he deserved.
Be the person he deserved.
"It all started when I was fifteen," I begun.
I was ready to tell Ryder the truth.
•••••
This might be terrible timing, but may I jut say how much I love Brandon's humour...
No one? Okay...
Thank you for reading! : )
-Grayx